Hi, Carolyn: I was recently offered a job that pays substantially more than I make now. I’m overqualified but generally happy where I am. I wasn’t looking; the offer fell in my lap.
Though tempting in some ways — well, just financially, since we could really use the money right now — the thought of accepting the new job made me miserable. After much soul-searching and discussion with my husband, I turned it down.
He is now livid. So seething angry, months later, that we still can’t have a civil discussion about it. There are lots of under-the-breath comments and bitter, sarcastic remarks about me choosing my personal happiness over helping our family unit.
We’re not destitute, bills are being paid, but we’re not keeping pace with our friends. Every time a bill comes or we’re invited to dinner, he gets mad all over again.
I’m starting to feel resentful that he’s so willing to trade my happiness for a few extra bucks, but I also feel guilty. How do we move past this?
Grit My Teeth and Take the Money?
Grit My Teeth and Take the Money?: He’s behaving abominably. Even if he has rock-solid grounds to be angry, this is a horrible way to manage that anger. Any loved one/partner/neighbor/anyone owes it to others to figure out what it would take, within the bounds of morality and the law, of course, to get past the anger, and then start taking those steps. His way commits you both to being stuck and miserable — or, I should say, it commits him to that, and limits your choices to stagnant misery or divorce. Bad stuff for you both.
This is so bad, in fact, and you’re so far apart, and so far from communicating fully and civilly about it, that I don’t see any realistic options besides very good marriage counseling. I’m sorry.
I can just hear him refusing to agree to counseling — saying you can’t afford it — but this degree of misery dictates your going without him if you must.
Last thing — your signature suggests the job is still an option. That might be the Band-Aid you need, but I’m skeptical; you will never forget that this is how he responded to your decision. That means conceding and taking the new job won’t bring your marriage back to where it was, but instead to some other place you can’t fully envision. Plus, you’re probably seeing some of his past actions differently through this new light. Raise or no raise, the anger is now the thing.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Interesting. While I do think he's acting horribly, perhaps he is really upset with his wife's lack of motivation? My guess is there is more going on here and this was just the last straw. If I'm wrong, then he's just an ass. And if so, then I would take the better paying job and leave him.
If lack of motivation is the issue - that's something he will have to learn to accept or not. People have different priorities in life, some people live to work, and others only work to live. If they have children, she may enjoy a less demanding job in order to have more time with her family. Right now, I would be concerned about his placing money of higher importance than his wife's happiness.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
If lack of motivation is the issue - that's something he will have to learn to accept or not. People have different priorities in life, some people live to work, and others only work to live. If they have children, she may enjoy a less demanding job in order to have more time with her family. Right now, I would be concerned about his placing money of higher importance than his wife's happiness.
I agree. If I went secular, I could make 50% more than I currently do. But I would be miserable. It's not the environment I want to work in. And G would get a second job before he would even let me think about that...
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
If I commuted to Atlanta, I could easily double my salary. But, that would mean longer days, less time with the kids, less ability to attend school stuff, and less free time all around. And the traffic would be insane. I would be miserable.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I would make more if I left the government, too. But I like the stability and benefits. DH respects that. And I just want him to work at a job that makes him happy, or at least, not overly stressed or that he hates. But if we had money problems or wanted a better life, things might be different.
And I don't know that I'd need marriage counseling to tell him to stop acting like an ass. I'd just calmly tell him he needed to stop be bitter and commenting on my choice to put quality of life over money and then, if he couldn't, I'd likely go ballistic on him the next time he did it.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I would make more if I left the government, too. But I like the stability and benefits. DH respects that. And I just want him to work at a job that makes him happy, or at least, not overly stressed or that he hates. But if we had money problems or wanted a better life, things might be different.
Well, that's the rub, isn't it? Is working in a job that makes you miserable a "better life"? Money and stuff does not necessarily equate to "better".
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I just turned down a decent pay raise and transferred to a different department instead. Did I want the money? Sure but I'd rather get more experience under my belt. SO didn't care, he makes enough money for both of us anyway.
I think this guy in the op is too worried about keeping up worth the Jones'
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
I just turned down a decent pay raise and transferred to a different department instead. Did I want the money? Sure but I'd rather get more experience under my belt. SO didn't care, he makes enough money for both of us anyway.
I think this guy in the op is too worried about keeping up worth the Jones'
Not to mention, sponging off his wife. Does he think that if SHE makes more HE will get more toys? Or people will want to come over for dinner more?
I would make better money if I went back to waiting high-end tables or ****tails get in casinos, but I would also want to die.
If it is so important to him to keep up with the Joneses, he needs to increase his earnings, not be an asshat to her. Making more money at a job that you hate is not a good trade off.
There has got to be more that she isn't saying or maybe doesn't know about. I wonder if they are struggling financially more than she knows & he is stressing about it. If so he should have said so. Or maybe he is working at a job he hates with a terrible commute to support them & is now resentful she wouldn't make the same sacrifice. IDK but his reaction is so over the top there has got to be more to this.
Since when did having a better paying job come to equal misery?
Since we are talking about THIS letter which says that she would have been miserable had she taken the job.
Exactly. Like you, I would have to drive into Nashville every day. I would rather my toenails be ripped out. It's the exact same job I'm doing now. The pay is not worth the hassle...
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
There has got to be more that she isn't saying or maybe doesn't know about. I wonder if they are struggling financially more than she knows & he is stressing about it. If so he should have said so. Or maybe he is working at a job he hates with a terrible commute to support them & is now resentful she wouldn't make the same sacrifice. IDK but his reaction is so over the top there has got to be more to this.
This reminds me of a friend's Ex husband whom she just divorced. He would belittle her for not getting more education so she could get a better job. When in fact she went to college long before him and has been a nurse for years. He as talking about it to me once and I looked at him incredulously and said "wait didn't she already go to college and has a professional job?? You want your wife to have to work...more????" He muttered oh that's not what I meant blah blah blah. I said well thank goodness! My Friend loves me and my big mouth can ya tell? DF thinks the guy is less than a man considering my fiend was the main breadwinner for years but that's another story all together!
-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Monday 8th of August 2016 11:52:52 AM
And the plain fact is that many companies who can't compete salary-wise make up for it in other ways to get and keep good employees.
That is the small company I work for. We haven't had raises in 10 years but we get every holiday except Flag Day off with pay. Four weeks vacation, unlimited sick days as long as nobody abuses it, our birthday off & we close at 4 on Fridays. We are all very happy & there has been very little turn over. The newest employee has been here 12 years.
And the plain fact is that many companies who can't compete salary-wise make up for it in other ways to get and keep good employees.
That is the small company I work for. We haven't had raises in 10 years but we get every holiday except Flag Day off with pay. Four weeks vacation, unlimited sick days as long as nobody abuses it, our birthday off & we close at 4 on Fridays. We are all very happy & there has been very little turn over. The newest employee has been here 12 years.
That sounds very similar to ours. And I'm the newbie - I've been here 15 years.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
There has got to be more that she isn't saying or maybe doesn't know about. I wonder if they are struggling financially more than she knows & he is stressing about it. If so he should have said so. Or maybe he is working at a job he hates with a terrible commute to support them & is now resentful she wouldn't make the same sacrifice. IDK but his reaction is so over the top there has got to be more to this.
I wonder if he's having difficulty paying off his gambling debts ....
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Sounds to me like she needs to take hubby out for coffee and to tell him that they need to finish hashing this out and agree on a path to get past it, cuz the snark needs to seriously end. Months later he is still angry over it? ugh. Husband, stahp. Just STAHP.
