Dear Amy: Six months ago our oldest daughter’s husband, “John,” walked out on her and their two kids (20 and 15) for another woman.
Since he left, it has become obvious he is an alcoholic and not the person we thought him to be. He quit his job. He tells the kids he is trying to get a job, but nothing has panned out. He is not paying any support.
My wife has been cooking dinners for our daughter and her kids several nights a week. John did most of the cooking before he left.
I have been going along with my wife on this because our daughter is working full time as an office manager for a large company and is sick a lot.
We are retired and living on a fixed income. My problem is that our budget has been stretched supplying food for three adults in addition to ourselves.
Our daughter has never mentioned compensating us for any of the food, and my wife doesn’t want to ask her to.
This is straining our marriage, at least for me. I thought that after six months things would approach normal, but with summer ending my wife is still in the kitchen cooking for five and I am steaming.
JoAnn is not my daughter. I have been her stepfather for 35 years, and this contributes to my unease and our challenge in terms of discussing this.
Do you have any ideas on how we can resolve this?
Upset in ¡Upland
Upset in Upland: After 35 years as a stepparent, you have the right to seek a solution to a problem that is bothering you, concerning an issue that directly affects you.
It is kind and generous for your wife to cook for this family. If your daughter is unwell, I can imagine how helpful this would be. Presumably, you don’t object to your wife making this choice.
You and your wife should sit down with your daughter. Offer her your emotional and practical support during this time.
You can say, honestly, that you are worried about the impact on your budget. Is your daughter willing/able to help with grocery bills? She may be able to contribute a nominal amount, and this might make you feel better. She should also take the opportunity to acknowledge your mutual support.
-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Friday 9th of September 2016 09:33:19 AM
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
The 20-year old needs to get up off his/her duff and start contributing
to the welfare of what remains of their family. The 15-year old needs
to start cooking basic meals so Grandma isn't in the kitchen all the time,
cooking for 5.
Have "John" and "JoAnn" divorced? If so, why wasn't support for the
15-year old included in the decree? If he just walked out without some
sort of separation agreement, I don't know what else JoAnn can do.
If John quit his job, how is he supporting himself? Or is he just sponging
off the new woman in his life?
Need lots more information here.
As for the letter writer, on the date that he receives his income, he should
ask his daughter to sit down with him and figure out HIS budget to make
up for the shortfall the extra dinners are making.
I find it telling that after 35 years together, it is still "her" daughter. Even though we aren't biologically related, my dad has been around for so long that he's just my dad. And I know that as far as he is concerned, I'm his daughter.
Just because CS is ordered, doesn't mean it gets paid.
No one should EVER count on CS.
The daughter should be paying for these meals.
The 20 year old should be working.
And both the 15 and 20 year old should be picking up the slack around the house.
Actually, the 15 year old should be doing the cooking.
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I doubt the daughter knows that the meals are causing her parents financial hardship. She probably just thinks her mother wants to take care of her. He needs to say something before this turns into resentment.
And I, too, find it telling that after 35 years she's "her" daughter. I suspect there is some jealousy here which is bothering him more than a financial strain.
But 20 year old should either be in college or working and contributing to the household finances. 15 year old needs to learn how to cook.
It isn't until the very end he says she is not his daughter. Through the whole letter he uses "our". My guess is he doesn't know how to bring it up to his wife because he thinks she is going to say he doesn't want to support the daughter because she's not his and he doesn't understand. I think it's more about the wife's reaction than his feelings.
It isn't until the very end he says she is not his daughter. Through the whole letter he uses "our". My guess is he doesn't know how to bring it up to his wife because he thinks she is going to say he doesn't want to support the daughter because she's not his and he doesn't understand. I think it's more about the wife's reaction than his feelings.
That is a very interesting perspective, and a solid one.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Just because CS is ordered, doesn't mean it gets paid.
No one should EVER count on CS.
The daughter should be paying for these meals.
The 20 year old should be working.
And both the 15 and 20 year old should be picking up the slack around the house.
Actually, the 15 year old should be doing the cooking.
Very true, but even without a job, he still has to pay support and if he doesn't he can and will be put in jail. That will usually motivate those deadbeats to actually get a job. But regardless of CS, she cannot put her financial woes on her parents. Her children are not toddlers. Harsh reality is they have to help support the household.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I would most likely be wanting to help my daughter, even if she is an adult. However, I think there are some things that could be worked out. There is no reason that a 15 and 20 yr old can not be pulling some weight doing chores, cooking, etc. And, the 20 yr old should also be transitioning to adult hood, aka a JOB unless she is still in college in which case then work a part time job. I mean, i have a 20, 18, and 14 year old. I don't cook every night. They can make sandwiches or eat cereal some nights. Some nights we eat leftovers or order pizza. Then some nights I cook. Or Dh or my daughter cooks. My sons would rather do the dishes so fine, lol.
I would most likely be wanting to help my daughter, even if she is an adult. However, I think there are some things that could be worked out. There is no reason that a 15 and 20 yr old can not be pulling some weight doing chores, cooking, etc. And, the 20 yr old should also be transitioning to adult hood, aka a JOB unless she is still in college in which case then work a part time job. I mean, i have a 20, 18, and 14 year old. I don't cook every night. They can make sandwiches or eat cereal some nights. Some nights we eat leftovers or order pizza. Then some nights I cook. Or Dh or my daughter cooks. My sons would rather do the dishes so fine, lol.
I don't cook dinner every night and I have an 11YO! There is plenty of food in the fridge and she knows how to warm things up. Sometimes she even cooks dinner for me! Life it tough for me schedule wise. It sucks to be a single mom, work full time, and still try to do all the things as a parent need to be done in the evenings. If it makes your kid become independent early, that is a positive thing for the kid.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I would most likely be wanting to help my daughter, even if she is an adult. However, I think there are some things that could be worked out. There is no reason that a 15 and 20 yr old can not be pulling some weight doing chores, cooking, etc. And, the 20 yr old should also be transitioning to adult hood, aka a JOB unless she is still in college in which case then work a part time job. I mean, i have a 20, 18, and 14 year old. I don't cook every night. They can make sandwiches or eat cereal some nights. Some nights we eat leftovers or order pizza. Then some nights I cook. Or Dh or my daughter cooks. My sons would rather do the dishes so fine, lol.
I don't cook dinner every night and I have an 11YO! There is plenty of food in the fridge and she knows how to warm things up. Sometimes she even cooks dinner for me! Life it tough for me schedule wise. It sucks to be a single mom, work full time, and still try to do all the things as a parent need to be done in the evenings. If it makes your kid become independent early, that is a positive thing for the kid.
You have obviously taught her well and have provided food for her,
LW needs to sit down with his wife and they need to set a food budget for each week. Whatever she can do within that budget - fine. Anything over, DD has to pay, or no meals.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I don't know what they are making, but I can feed 6-9 people for around 5 bucks.
I mean, a bag of dried beans, water, salt and pepper, and a pone of cornbread, and it's meal time.
Making a big pot of taco soup tonight.
The pound of chicken sausage is the most expensive thing I'll use. Everything else was less than a dollar.
Now I'm not saying the daughter shouldn't help.
I'm just wondering what is being cooked that costs so much.
-- Edited by lilyofcourse on Saturday 10th of September 2016 11:26:51 AM
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
