DEAR ABBY: I am a stay-at-home mom who doesn't work. My husband wants me at home, and I'm OK with that, but the problem is, he is now working two jobs and I never see him.
When he gets home, he's so exhausted he can't keep his eyes open. He sleeps only four hours a night. I'm afraid he will crash and burn from overwork and lack of sleep. I also miss him and want to be with him. With no time together, I feel like I'm losing him.
How can I make this work? I don't want to put pressure on him or make him feel bad, but I need him. I told him I'd get a part-time job, but he said he works for the both of us and that was the end of that conversation. I don't want to lose my marriage over this! Do you have any advice that might help? -- LOSING HIM IN TENNESSEE
DEAR LOSING HIM: I don't blame you for being concerned. What your husband is doing isn't healthy for him, for you or for your marriage. It's time to discuss this with him more fully than it appears you have been able to so far.
He seems to be old-fashioned in his views about marriage. Generations ago, husbands were expected to be the sole provider, but economic reality has put an end to that. Today, both spouses work, primarily because they need to.
It may take mediation along with some input from his doctor to make your husband face reality, but he needs to understand that you are worried sick about him, that you're not happy with things as they are and that you are starting your job search.
I think ages and whether there are any children should factor into this.
Growing up, my mother stayed home and raised my brother and I, and dad held as many as 4 jobs at a time. At least until he started getting promotions, raises, and working his way up in the bank. Even then, I can recall when he also worked for a department store credit department at nights. He was in his early 20's so he still had the energy to do this. And when he was home, he was doing things around the house and servicing our cars. And these house chores were shared. In other words, sometimes our quality time together involved trimming trees/bushes, pulling weeds, cultivating the plant beds, etc. It was a learning experience for us kids and a chance to "bond" as a family.
Married to a "workaholic" of some sorts myself, I can understand the loneliness she might feel never seeing her husband, compounded by not having a life of her own outside the home. If getting a job is something that he doesn't want her to do (not sure why) then perhaps she can volunteer some place to fill her time and allow her to socialize with others. Or tell him to stick it and get herself a job she loves.
If he's sleeping 4 hrs a night, he is going to crash and burn at some point. They need to sit down and talk. What is driving him so hard? Are they over extended with credit? Did they buy a house they really can't afford? Do they spend too much on the toys of life, etc? If so, then they need to make a concerted effort to change their lifestyle. If he isn't home anyway, not sure why he would care if she is working or not. So that is really no excuse on her end. She should go ahead and get a job as that at least might assuage some her loneliness. And doing so might take some pressure off him and allow him to pull back a bit on his work.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
