DEAR ABBY: My 11-year-old daughter recently asked to have a sleepover with some of her best friends. She’s part of a “club” with five other girls.
Four of them are her best friends, so she invited them. However, my daughter is not close with the fifth girl, “Debbie.” They don’t hang out at school and barely hang out during their club activities.
When Debbie’s mother found out my daughter had invited the others, she accused me of excluding Debbie intentionally. I received a rude text from her telling me they were quitting the club.
In the past, we have gone above and beyond to keep her daughter included in the club activities, but when it comes to my daughter wanting to hang out with her friends outside of that, I feel she should be able to invite whoever she wants. Should I have made my daughter invite Debbie to her sleepover even though they aren’t really friends? — “MEAN MOM”
DEAR “MEAN MOM”: Obviously, Debbie is close enough with some of the other girls that they told her about the sleepover. Your daughter may not like Debbie as much as she likes the other “club” members — which seems more like a clique to me — but I don’t think that’s a reason to exclude or attempt to isolate her.
Because all of the other girls were asked, Debbie should not have been snubbed. For a moment, put yourself in her shoes.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I think my response depends on whether these are the only 6 girls in the club. If they are - then yes, she should have been invited. Excluding ONE person is rather mean, and sometimes you just have to do the nice thing.
However, if there are other members of this club, and they were not invited either, then my response to this mom would simply be "I'm sorry your daughter got her feelings hurt, but this was not a club activity, and she and my daughter are not close."
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I agree with LL. DD has friends and two tight circles, one with 4 girls in total and on with 3. No way would I allow all to sleep over at the same time, nor would I expect her to be invited to a sleepover being hosted by an extension of one of those circles. KWIM?
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Anyone can invite whomever they want or don't want. However in the world of social media, it's in your face now if you were there or not there. It didn't used to be that way. I think for 11 yr olds, i would absolutely have invited the 5th girl. If they were 16, then not so much.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
They probably call themselves the " club". My daughter is part of " the squad" . And she is also part of the "Prissy Posse". Who knows what kind of "club"? But if it is a club, then yeah, i think mom should have included her.
-- Edited by Lady Gaga Snerd on Sunday 18th of September 2016 07:50:57 PM
This is just another part of growing up. We don't believe in getting even, though, because it teaches very juvenile behavior. Kids need to learn how to deal with rejection in a positive way and excluding the offender from future parties is emotionally incipient. But, everyone does things differently. If it was me, the 5th girl would have made the cut... but I don't know what the parameters were for the party (some parents cap the guest list).
What would it have hurt to invite the fifth girl? It could have been the start of a great new friendship.
That said, I think the girl's mom definitely overreacted.
yeah all of this. I wonder if the girl who was having the sleepover has ever been excluded. I have always reminded DD about other girls I think she should include and how it would hurt DD if she was included.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
That's the problem with social media. In olden days, people had parties, if you didn't get invited it wasn't shoved in your face. Maybe you overheard some kids talking about it on the playground or something. It is a bit harder to tread these waters nowadays. And, it is hurtful. On the other hand, you can't invite everyone to everything all the time. There are times you can invite the whole class or team and times you want to just have a smaller group. That is part of life and nothing wrong with that.
Part of the problem is we set up the expectation early that everyone SHOULD be invited. And, we practically demand that parents invite an entire class to things. That isn't really practical or feasible for a lot of people. I agree, do not pass out invitations at school. Teach your child to be discreet. Send invites in the mail or call them directly, etc. And, the RSVPS should be done outside of school as well .
When I was in 4th grade, a girl in my class invited EVERY OTHER girl but me to her party. I had beat her for highest grades that 6 weeks. Every six weeks, a student got a certificate for best grades and since first grade, it had either been me or her.
She had her party at the skating rink and called me from there to tell me all the presents she had received. It was horrible.
But I lived. And we are friends to this day...
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
When I was in 4th grade, a girl in my class invited EVERY OTHER girl but me to her party. I had beat her for highest grades that 6 weeks. Every six weeks, a student got a certificate for best grades and since first grade, it had either been me or her. She had her party at the skating rink and called me from there to tell me all the presents she had received. It was horrible. But I lived. And we are friends to this day...
No, you don't have to invite anyone to your house who you (or your daughter) don't want to. Debbie will get over it. That being said, c'mon, it wouldn't have killed your daughter to invite this girl, and I am betting that if the rolls were reversed she would have been hurt and upset not to be invited to Debbie's sleepover- even though they aren't close- if the other girls were all invited.
When I was in 4th grade, a girl in my class invited EVERY OTHER girl but me to her party. I had beat her for highest grades that 6 weeks. Every six weeks, a student got a certificate for best grades and since first grade, it had either been me or her. She had her party at the skating rink and called me from there to tell me all the presents she had received. It was horrible. But I lived. And we are friends to this day...
Wow, do you guys laugh about it?
Yeah, we tried to sabotage each other a lot. But now we see it as stupid elementary school girl stuff. People that hang onto crap like that for the rest of their lives are destined to be miserable. She needs to get the frick over it.
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
Inviting 4 out of 5 club members, the one left out is obviously snubbed. Just be prepared to live with the consequences.
My concern comes more from why the mother of snubee felt it was her duty to get involved.
This. They are drama filled pre-teens. Butt out mom. Let them figure it out on their own.
DD had to deal with a situation very similar to this just two weeks ago. DD had to rein in her own DD. You have to learn to deal with stuff like this at an early age, otherwise you will be a whiner your whole life.
Life IS not fair folks. Learn it early.
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I drink coffee so I don't kill you.
I quilt so I don't kill you.
Do you see a theme?
Faith isn't something that keeps bad things from happening. Faith is what helps us get through bad things when they do happen.
Not sure how I feel about this. I was almost always the outcast. At the time, I'm sure it bugged me. Now, I realize that 1) it really didn't matter and 2) why in the world would I want to associate with people who didn't want me around.
I don't think boys have sleepovers so not sure this will ever come up as DS grows up.
My boys were invited to a sleepover, chef. I declined the invitation. First, it was Father's Day weekend. Who schedules a sleepover on Father's Day? And second, I don't feel comfortable with boys having a sleepover.
I dunno. Just because she had the right to invite whoever she wanted doesn't mean it was the right thing to do. I would have strongly encouraged DD to invite the other girl.
When I was in 9th grade my best friend at the time made a new friend. This new girl invited her over for a sleepover, and to be polite since I was standing right there, she invited me too. When new girl's mom came to get us, my best friend wasn't able to go anymore, and I was thinking the sleepover was off since we really didn't know each other, but she asked me to come anyway. Her and I really hit it off and she is still one of my closest friends to this day.
Honestly this seems to be an issue with girls mostly. There didn't seem to be much drama with my sons. Or, maybe I am more involved with the moms and daughters that she is around. Seems to be anyway. Once she hit 7th grade, it really started. And, it makes you crazy. It is hard to ignore. I never called a mom to complain but it is hurtful if your kid isn't included. After awhile you learn who the beitches are and you move on, lol.
My boys were invited to a sleepover, chef. I declined the invitation. First, it was Father's Day weekend. Who schedules a sleepover on Father's Day? And second, I don't feel comfortable with boys having a sleepover.
That's nuts. Father's Day is a family day in our home. I would've declined too.
My boys were invited to a sleepover, chef. I declined the invitation. First, it was Father's Day weekend. Who schedules a sleepover on Father's Day? And second, I don't feel comfortable with boys having a sleepover.
That's nuts. Father's Day is a family day in our home. I would've declined too.
*raises hand*
I'm always the one making plans to do something (not revolving around the "holiday") on those days. We don't celebrate them, so I'm all like, hey G!, lets spend 5 or 6 days at the lake the middle weekend of June! Or let's all go to (ballgame/amusement park). It's just not a blip on my radar...
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
My boys were invited to a sleepover, chef. I declined the invitation. First, it was Father's Day weekend. Who schedules a sleepover on Father's Day? And second, I don't feel comfortable with boys having a sleepover.
That's nuts. Father's Day is a family day in our home. I would've declined too.
Someone who doesn't think about it being Father's day.
For my kids, I always focused Father's day on their pawpaw and uncle.
But I can see how another might want to take the emphasis off of Father's day.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
My boys were invited to a sleepover, chef. I declined the invitation. First, it was Father's Day weekend. Who schedules a sleepover on Father's Day? And second, I don't feel comfortable with boys having a sleepover.
That's nuts. Father's Day is a family day in our home. I would've declined too.
Someone who doesn't think about it being Father's day.
For my kids, I always focused Father's day on their pawpaw and uncle.
But I can see how another might want to take the emphasis off of Father's day.
The parents were still together and the mother made it a point to tell everyone the father was there and going to chaperone.
