Dear Amy: I have a younger sister, “Tammy,” who was very cruel to me when we were growing up. Because of her abuse, I left home at 17, and since that time have grown out of the self-hate that she drilled into me. I’ve built a very strong network of friends, whom I now think of as my family.
I have started getting closer to my father, and I enjoy having a relationship with him. He is a kind and intelligent man who worked hard to support his family his whole life. He is retired now, and I am grateful for this opportunity to get to know him as a person. The problem is he thinks I am cruel for refusing to have a relationship with my sister. He says that she is my family, and family needs to stick together, because that’s all we have in the end.
Amy, I agree wholeheartedly with his definition of family, because the family I have built for myself is so incredibly supportive and inspiring to me, but I do not think of my sister as falling into this category.
I do not know this woman, nor do I wish to. From what I can surmise, she seems just as nasty as ever.
My father says I am “living in the past” and says I am being juvenile. He yells at me and puts me down when I refuse to associate with her. I tell him I have moved on and come to respect myself enough to choose the people I want in my life. I want him in my life, but this seems to be a sticking point.
What do you think?
Happily Estranged
Happily Estranged: Being related to someone often requires a level of tolerance you wouldn’t extend toward a stranger, but I disagree with the assertion that “family is all we have in the end.”
Sharing DNA with someone does not guarantee any particular kinship. For some people, “family” becomes something to escape, not embrace.
You don’t mention if your sister has ever extended a hand toward you regarding having a relationship. If she does, you should consider attempting some sort of reconciliation.
Your father’s treatment toward you — yelling at you and putting you down — speaks not only to his anxiety about this, but a sort of bullying behavior that seems to run in the family.
If you have no intention of reconciling with your sister, you should tell him, “I know this is hard for you, but you don’t have the right to bully me any more than she does.”
-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Friday 23rd of September 2016 07:13:01 AM
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Ummm...your YOUNGER sister was so horrible you left home at 17 and have never spoken to her again? Did you ever consider she MIGHT have grown up since this all happened when she was a kid?
You have no idea how she is, except what you've "heard", and yet you have judged her for years for behavior she committed as a kid? a teenager? Lady, you are just as bad, and your father should butt out b/c it's doubtful your sister wants anything to do with you, either after you cut her out of your life and badmouthed her for years.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I don't know, I would have to hear what exactly the younger sister used to do before I judge the older one.
I do know my little sister keeps pressuring me to reconcile with our dad and every time she brings it up I basically tell her to stfu (in the nicest way possible of course)
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
I would be more angry at the parents that allowed the so called abuse. If she has knowledge that the sister is still nasty I can understand her not wanting a relationship. I wouldn't want a relationship with a father that allowed me to be bullied either. He would have to own up to it and be truly sorry for me to consider it.
-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Friday 23rd of September 2016 03:57:13 PM
Wonder what the younger sister's letter would look like?
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Whatever it was, it was more than she could handle, or cared to put up with. Why open yourself up to it again? And her father doesn't sound too kind if he yells at her and puts her down. Does she not see how similar he is to her sister?
It's a difficult decision, to stop associating with someone. But once it's made, there is a sense of peace that comes over you. She should try it.
My mom is constantly telling me to be more in touch w my brother. She doesn't ask him to be in touch with me (which he's not) because I am the girl and he is the boy. I decorated a huge portion of a wall with baby pictures of myself - in great frames. Pictures I really like and of times that I felt special. Mom's first words when I showed her? "your brother is missing".
I can see having some trouble accepting a parents demands to force a sibling relationship.
The LW can do whatever she wants. However, stop explaining yourself to Dad. If he says something, just fluff it off and change the subject. If he presses, just tell him that you will have a relationship with her if and when you are ready and not before then. Which could be never.
