TOTALLY GEEKED!

Good advice.

You know, the parents might not like their son's wives. Not that it's an excuse, but could be the reason.

You're right, LL. It's no excuse.

I don't think it has anything to do with the LW and spouse. My aunt favors one (out of 4) daughters. She pretty much ignores the other three. It's sad, really.

It's not the dollar that upset her. It's that one child was thought of and the others were not. As someone in a very very similar situation as the OP, I can tell you that sometimes the little things just irritate the heck out of you. Your brain knows it's nothing to get worked up over and there is nothing you can do. But your heart takes longer to get over the hurt and rejection. Especially if you were not raised in a similar environment.

I just don't understand my inlaws. They play favorites, and spend a LOT more on my niece and nephew than they do my kids. And I ignore it the best I can on almost every occasion and try to set a good example for my kids. But once in awhile the injustice and the hurt of it all are too much to bear and I let my guard down for a moment. It's tough to respond perfectly in every instance of unfairness every single time it happens. I wish I were perfect and could control my emotions every time - sometimes I can't. And I have learned not to beat myself up over it.

My in-laws try extremely hard to be fair and equal to all the grandkids, but they don't like them all equally. Some of them are rude and disrespectful and their parents let them be. Some of my BILs and SILs didn't bother with the grandparents unless they want a babysitter - and now that those same kids are older and babysitters aren't needed, they don't even return phone calls half the time.

There are usually two sides to every story, and there could be a reason one is favored over others.

Although, there is absolutely no excuse for cancelling plans with one child because the other suddenly became available. That's just wrong.

Mellow Momma wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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It's not the dollar that upset her. It's that one child was thought of and the others were not. As someone in a very very similar situation as the OP, I can tell you that sometimes the little things just irritate the heck out of you. Your brain knows it's nothing to get worked up over and there is nothing you can do. But your heart takes longer to get over the hurt and rejection. Especially if you were not raised in a similar environment.

I just don't understand my inlaws. They play favorites, and spend a LOT more on my niece and nephew than they do my kids. And I ignore it the best I can on almost every occasion and try to set a good example for my kids. But once in awhile the injustice and the hurt of it all are too much to bear and I let my guard down for a moment. It's tough to respond perfectly in every instance of unfairness every single time it happens. I wish I were perfect and could control my emotions every time - sometimes I can't. And I have learned not to beat myself up over it.

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 Oh, but I don't think anything in SB's story was unfair.  Not at all.  It is natural for someone to form a closer relationship with someone who is around all the time helping, visiting and thinking of you.  Your situation doesn't sound similar. 

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 Forming the bond is understandable of course. But if you offer money to one, and the others are present, you should offer to them as well - if you care about being fair and not hurting feelings. If you don't care then offer to one and not the others. 

-- Edited by Mellow Momma on Sunday 2nd of October 2016 10:18:57 PM

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 I'm willing to bet he drove aunt to the hospital.  

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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It's not the dollar that upset her. It's that one child was thought of and the others were not. As someone in a very very similar situation as the OP, I can tell you that sometimes the little things just irritate the heck out of you. Your brain knows it's nothing to get worked up over and there is nothing you can do. But your heart takes longer to get over the hurt and rejection. Especially if you were not raised in a similar environment.

I just don't understand my inlaws. They play favorites, and spend a LOT more on my niece and nephew than they do my kids. And I ignore it the best I can on almost every occasion and try to set a good example for my kids. But once in awhile the injustice and the hurt of it all are too much to bear and I let my guard down for a moment. It's tough to respond perfectly in every instance of unfairness every single time it happens. I wish I were perfect and could control my emotions every time - sometimes I can't. And I have learned not to beat myself up over it.

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 Oh, but I don't think anything in SB's story was unfair.  Not at all.  It is natural for someone to form a closer relationship with someone who is around all the time helping, visiting and thinking of you.  Your situation doesn't sound similar. 

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 Forming the bond is understandable of course. But if you offer money to one, and the others are present, you should offer to them as well - if you care about being fair and not hurting feelings. If you don't care then offer to one and not the others. 

-- Edited by Mellow Momma on Sunday 2nd of October 2016 10:18:57 PM

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 I'm willing to bet he drove aunt to the hospital.  

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 Possibly. But after years of watching him get preferred treatment it might have been hard for his sister to keep an open mind about it. 

Lawyerlady wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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It's not the dollar that upset her. It's that one child was thought of and the others were not. As someone in a very very similar situation as the OP, I can tell you that sometimes the little things just irritate the heck out of you. Your brain knows it's nothing to get worked up over and there is nothing you can do. But your heart takes longer to get over the hurt and rejection. Especially if you were not raised in a similar environment.

I just don't understand my inlaws. They play favorites, and spend a LOT more on my niece and nephew than they do my kids. And I ignore it the best I can on almost every occasion and try to set a good example for my kids. But once in awhile the injustice and the hurt of it all are too much to bear and I let my guard down for a moment. It's tough to respond perfectly in every instance of unfairness every single time it happens. I wish I were perfect and could control my emotions every time - sometimes I can't. And I have learned not to beat myself up over it.

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 Oh, but I don't think anything in SB's story was unfair.  Not at all.  It is natural for someone to form a closer relationship with someone who is around all the time helping, visiting and thinking of you.  Your situation doesn't sound similar. 

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 Forming the bond is understandable of course. But if you offer money to one, and the others are present, you should offer to them as well - if you care about being fair and not hurting feelings. If you don't care then offer to one and not the others. 

-- Edited by Mellow Momma on Sunday 2nd of October 2016 10:18:57 PM

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 I'm willing to bet he drove aunt to the hospital.  

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 Possibly. But after years of watching him get preferred treatment it might have been hard for his sister to keep an open mind about it. 

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 And to me it doesn't sound like she has even tried to have a relationship with her aunt.  It's a two way street.  Sometimes the relationship you have is the one you contributed to, good or bad. 

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 Do you mean when she was a child? A child is supposed to try to have a relationship with her aunt? When it involves an adult and a child, any efforts at a relationship are 100% the responsibility of the adult.

sweet tooth wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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Mellow Momma wrote:

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It's not the dollar that upset her. It's that one child was thought of and the others were not. As someone in a very very similar situation as the OP, I can tell you that sometimes the little things just irritate the heck out of you. Your brain knows it's nothing to get worked up over and there is nothing you can do. But your heart takes longer to get over the hurt and rejection. Especially if you were not raised in a similar environment.

I just don't understand my inlaws. They play favorites, and spend a LOT more on my niece and nephew than they do my kids. And I ignore it the best I can on almost every occasion and try to set a good example for my kids. But once in awhile the injustice and the hurt of it all are too much to bear and I let my guard down for a moment. It's tough to respond perfectly in every instance of unfairness every single time it happens. I wish I were perfect and could control my emotions every time - sometimes I can't. And I have learned not to beat myself up over it.

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 Oh, but I don't think anything in SB's story was unfair.  Not at all.  It is natural for someone to form a closer relationship with someone who is around all the time helping, visiting and thinking of you.  Your situation doesn't sound similar. 

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 Forming the bond is understandable of course. But if you offer money to one, and the others are present, you should offer to them as well - if you care about being fair and not hurting feelings. If you don't care then offer to one and not the others. 

-- Edited by Mellow Momma on Sunday 2nd of October 2016 10:18:57 PM

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 I'm willing to bet he drove aunt to the hospital.  

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 Possibly. But after years of watching him get preferred treatment it might have been hard for his sister to keep an open mind about it. 

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 And to me it doesn't sound like she has even tried to have a relationship with her aunt.  It's a two way street.  Sometimes the relationship you have is the one you contributed to, good or bad. 

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 Do you mean when she was a child? A child is supposed to try to have a relationship with her aunt? When it involves an adult and a child, any efforts at a relationship are 100% the responsibility of the adult.

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 They are adults.  This all happened when they were adults.  One would hope as children she treated them more equally.  But, they are adults and have been for years according to what SB said. 

But, it does start in the younger years.  If a relative tries to have a relationship with children and teens, and they can't be bothered with them and that continues up through adulthood, that is going to make a difference to the relationship.  

It's one thing if people don't treat children fairly - but quite another when we are talking about adults. Adults have no right to expect someone else's money.



And I've had the conversations with grandparents that are writing wills and the reasons they choose to leave one kid or grandkid more money or things than the others. There have been reasons that kids just don't think about, but grandparents are often trying to be MORE than fair, which some don't realize. I had one couple that had paid for both of their grandkids' college education, but one went to a local state school and the other to a very pricey Ivy league school. The difference in the money contributed was huge, and the grandparents gave the difference to the other grandchild to put a down-payment on a house and the other grandchild thought it was "unfair" when fairness was exactly what the grandparents were going for. So, then, out of resentment, the Ivy League grandchild pretty much cut off his grandparents and they were not pleased.

I've also seen where the grandparents consider only their children, not the grandchildren. If they have given more "help" to one child than the other, they want to even it out to the other kids, and that affects everyone.

I've seen one grandmother, who had given her grandson loan after loan, deduct the grandson's loans from his father's share of her will. At Christmas time, that grandson would get less in the way of gifts, but what other people didn't know is she was constantly giving and loaning him money hand over fist.

Mellow Momma wrote:

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And sometimes, the children get screwed birthday after birthday and Christmas after Christmas for no reason. And if there IS a reason, how about the grandparents TALK about it instead of using money and gifts as a way of trying to teach a lesson? To children?

Now in your examples, it makes sense to me why the grandparents did what they did. But as a child I might not understand and I might develop feelings based on that misunderstanding.

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 I'm not even sure I think it was all fair in my examples.  I don't think grandma should have held grandson's loans against his father.  It was her choice to give the loans.  

 

And no, it's not fair to take it out on kids.  But if the child has a bad relationship with their parents, for whatever reason, those grandkids are not going to be as close.

Yes, the grandkids notice. When one cousin gets an elaborate Lego set and you get a package of Oreos and a $20 gift card...you don't need to ask for receipts to know who got screwed. There is NOTHING more heartbreaking than having your child ask you why their grandparents don't love them enough to buy them decent presents. DD got a dollar store glow in the dark fairy wand for her 14th birthday and a $20 gift card. Her cousin got a new bike. She noticed.

My boys noticed years ago that their paternal relatives are cheap. I told them that some people just aren't big gift-givers, and it has nothing to do with them or their feelings about them. They seem to understand.

FNW wrote:

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My boys noticed years ago that their paternal relatives are cheap. I told them that some people just aren't big gift-givers, and it has nothing to do with them or their feelings about them. They seem to understand.

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 If they are equally cheap to all members of the family, that would work well as an explanation. When they are not it becomes much more problematic. 

The Christmas before exdh and I were married, we had it at his house since his sons were young but D's was a young adult. Exdh mother and sister came with tons of gifts for exdh's kids and for me. Not one gift for DS. They insisted we all must sit down together while gifts were opened. I was livid but kept quiet until after everyone left and told exdh in no uncertain terms was I going to let that happen again.

FNW wrote:

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My boys noticed years ago that their paternal relatives are cheap. I told them that some people just aren't big gift-givers, and it has nothing to do with them or their feelings about them. They seem to understand.

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 If it's not about favoritism, I don't think it's right to label grandparents cheap.  I mean, what exactly is expected in a gift? 

My in-laws cannot afford to give my children as much as my mother can.  Besides, they have 7 grandchildren vs. my mother's 3.  My kids know they will get more from my mother, but they are absolutely grateful for everything the other grandparents give, too.  The in-laws usually spend about $30 per kid, where my mother spends about $200.  

Lawyerlady wrote:

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FNW wrote:

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My boys noticed years ago that their paternal relatives are cheap. I told them that some people just aren't big gift-givers, and it has nothing to do with them or their feelings about them. They seem to understand.

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 If it's not about favoritism, I don't think it's right to label grandparents cheap.  I mean, what exactly is expected in a gift? 

My in-laws cannot afford to give my children as much as my mother can.  Besides, they have 7 grandchildren vs. my mother's 3.  My kids know they will get more from my mother, but they are absolutely grateful for everything the other grandparents give, too.  The in-laws usually spend about $30 per kid, where my mother spends about $200.  

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 They give the boys $1.00 for each year of their birth.  They made it up to $8.00 this year.    The boys are fine with it.  Happy they were remembered, and put the money aside until they have enough to buy something with it.    DH is embarrassed, but we focus on making the day fun for them.

FNW wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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FNW wrote:

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My boys noticed years ago that their paternal relatives are cheap. I told them that some people just aren't big gift-givers, and it has nothing to do with them or their feelings about them. They seem to understand.

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 If it's not about favoritism, I don't think it's right to label grandparents cheap.  I mean, what exactly is expected in a gift? 

My in-laws cannot afford to give my children as much as my mother can.  Besides, they have 7 grandchildren vs. my mother's 3.  My kids know they will get more from my mother, but they are absolutely grateful for everything the other grandparents give, too.  The in-laws usually spend about $30 per kid, where my mother spends about $200.  

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 They give the boys $1.00 for each year of their birth.  They made it up to $8.00 this year.    The boys are fine with it.  Happy they were remembered, and put the money aside until they have enough to buy something with it.    DH is embarrassed, but we focus on making the day fun for them.

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 Do they do anything else, like put money in a college fund?  

My in-laws used to buy the kids savings bonds, but since they don't let people buy the paper bonds anymore, they stopped doing it.

The in-laws are old and not computer savvy, they don't do the electronic thing. My MIL still uses book clubs by mail.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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My mother is actually pretty unfair, if I stop to think about it. She raised my DN and treats her more like a daughter. She lives with her and she gets more. That's just the way it is. My kids have plenty - they don't need to bean count. My kids also have more relatives on my DH's side that give them gifts than DN has on her side. DN usually gets gifts from my mom and me and maybe a few very small things from her dad's side of the family. But her dad is a waste. Life has given my children a better shake, they are not going to be jealous that DN gets a more expensive Christmas gift.

Fair does not always mean equal.

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 I dont think it's "bean counting" to notice that your cousin's gift was hundreds of dollars and yours was $20. You can't tell me you wouldn't at least for a little while be hurt by that. And yes, over time, my kids realize how lucky they are. They want for nothing and are very very fortunate. But I also think it's human nature to want your GRANDPARENTS to treat you with respect and dignity and love. And when you slight one to such an extent and lavish gifts on another - that's disrespectful to BOTH. I have no need to see my kids get an expensive gift from their grandparents. I just want them to be treated fairly and equitably. Telling one child "we will never come visit you, you live too far away" and then traveling even further to visit the other grandchildren is not loving or fair. It isn't all about the gifts it's about how you are treated as well. 

Mellow Momma wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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My mother is actually pretty unfair, if I stop to think about it. She raised my DN and treats her more like a daughter. She lives with her and she gets more. That's just the way it is. My kids have plenty - they don't need to bean count. My kids also have more relatives on my DH's side that give them gifts than DN has on her side. DN usually gets gifts from my mom and me and maybe a few very small things from her dad's side of the family. But her dad is a waste. Life has given my children a better shake, they are not going to be jealous that DN gets a more expensive Christmas gift.

Fair does not always mean equal.

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 I dont think it's "bean counting" to notice that your cousin's gift was hundreds of dollars and yours was $20. You can't tell me you wouldn't at least for a little while be hurt by that. And yes, over time, my kids realize how lucky they are. They want for nothing and are very very fortunate. But I also think it's human nature to want your GRANDPARENTS to treat you with respect and dignity and love. And when you slight one to such an extent and lavish gifts on another - that's disrespectful to BOTH. I have no need to see my kids get an expensive gift from their grandparents. I just want them to be treated fairly and equitably. Telling one child "we will never come visit you, you live too far away" and then traveling even further to visit the other grandchildren is not loving or fair. It isn't all about the gifts it's about how you are treated as well. 

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 What is the reason for this?  I mean, you've asked them, haven't you? I'm really curious as to their justification for this.   I would sure as hell ask.  Confront, even. 

Does your BIL have a guest room and you don't so they would have to stay in a hotel if they visit you?  

 

 

One year my mother gave my DH $800 for his birthday.  I asked her WTH???  She gave me $25 on mine.  She has given my DN $8000 in savings bonds over the years, DD12, maybe $250, and Jojo - nothing.  This is not something my children know because I don't tell them.  IF we are there on Christmas, she gives DN her big gifts before the kids are there to open their's.  I just am not going to let money cause resentment.  It's my mother's money, she can spend it how she chooses.  If I wanted to be resentful, I could, but what would be the point?  It wouldn't change anything and it would just ruin my relationship with my mother. 

LL your children have you to help them pay for college and your DN has no one. That would make a difference to me.


My inkaws recently visited DD in NYC and when they stopped by her apartment to grab something my MIL said "well I guess we all make choices" in reference to the size of DD's apartment. Never mind that she has 2 jobs, is going to grad school and totally supports herself in the most expensive city in the world. She had nothing nice to say. She should have just kept her mouth shut. And BTW, DD is a fastidious housekeeper. Her apartment is adorably decorated and she lives in a nice place with granite countertops and hardwood floors. It's a unicorn of an apartment in the city.

FNW wrote:

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She sounds like a wretch, MM.

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 She is. And she makes everyone around her miserable. My FIL can really pick the winners. When DD showed up to Christmas single she asked her "how does it feel to be the only one without someone special on the holidays?"