DEAR ABBY: My brother and his wife have been married 3 1/2 years and have an 18-month-old daughter.
My sister-in-law, “Barb,” is either very rude or passive-aggressive to our mother in emails and when she thinks no one is around. At Christmas, Barb sends out an email detailing what we are and are not allowed to buy for their daughter. If we can’t do exactly what she wants, she threatens to cancel Christmas. This includes asking her permission before we buy any toys.
Barb tells my mom that because her mother doesn’t have much money, Mom can’t spend more than her mother does. So, because my family has a little more money, we are being punished.
Barb is extremely demeaning and hurtful to us. I can’t understand why my brother allows it. My husband and I are sick and tired of her acting this way, and the way she treats my mother is cruel.
I’m tempted to confront her about how she has ruined Christmas for my parents. She basically doesn’t allow us to have feelings, and I can’t believe we are standing for it. Help! — HOLIDAY HOSTAGE
DEAR HOSTAGE: Your sister-in-law may be telling your parents not to spend more money on gifts for the grandchild because she doesn’t want her own mother to be embarrassed.
However, if her rude behavior extends beyond that, rather than take her on, the person you should “confront” about it is your brother.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Send the kid whatever you want. Then she can donate it to Goodwill or pitch a hissy. Either way, just shrug. Drama needs an Audience. If you don't play, then it goes away.
Do what you do and if she doesn't like it, so what?
Don't hesitate to get in her face about how she treats your mom, either.
It's your mom, too!
You have just as much right to stand up for her as your brother.
The only time I ever said anything about what not to get my kids was if it was inappropriate.
I just didn't think a 2 year old needed an ez bake oven.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I would send the kids what I want to send and tell her bitch step off if she was nasty To my mother. I would also pray that she boycots our xmas. I do what I want.
-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Tuesday 1st of November 2016 11:55:01 AM
-- Edited by Mary Zombie on Tuesday 1st of November 2016 02:51:34 PM
Maybe her parents can open a savings acct. for the grandchildren and put in money they would have spent on them for Christmas and birthdays and present it to the children on their 18th birthday. They should also ignore her threats about Christmas and call her bluff.
silly woman is gonna get everyone in a bunch, and then no one will be able to let loose the gas after christmas dinner! hahaha! Let her have her say, but bring whatever gifts you want for the kids when it is time to celebrate as a family. If she pitches a fit, it is HER making a fuss. But dont wait for the subdude bro to step up to the plate. Stand for mom if you have to.
My mom used to dictate my birthdays when I was young. For my second birthday I ended up with 8 dolls. She rotated through all the relatives between birthdays and Christmas and let you know when it was your turn to buy a doll if you wanted to. She always has been a bit of a control freak. But she would never cancel a holiday nor would she have been anything but outwardly gracious if someone bought a doll when it wasn't their turn.
My aunt bought me a doll out of turn. My mom reciprocated by buying my cousin a Play doh fun factory with a jillion cans of Play doh.
-- Edited by Mellow Momma on Tuesday 1st of November 2016 07:59:21 PM
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
My former SIL wouldn't let her kids open anything.
Instead, it went to a storage locker and then she took everything back or sold it.
If we wanted the kids to actually be able to play with something, we had to get it out, completely out and destroy the box, before they left.
Once, my niece didn't have any clothes, she was 2 and wore her brothers hand me downs every where.
For her birthday, I bought about $200 worth of clothes for my niece.
I never saw them again.
She sold them all.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Ugh, Lily. I'm so sorry. That SIL sucks. Hard not to kidnap the children, isnt it!
At work right now - I work with economically disadvantaged families pretty often - we are offering many of the families the chance to participate in the Christmas Hamper program. They list their immediate family members, their sizes and some gift ideas. There is also a space for 'additional information regarding family needs'. Lots of the parents are requesting basic necessities for their kids, like socks, underwear, shampoo, etc. One of my families asked for 'day passes to something where we can go have a day as a family' (and let me tell you, we sure don't have a Disney World here! Any day passes would be for something like Science World) and another family asked for 'enough food for a real Christmas dinner'. It's heartbreaking. For a lot of these kids we are adding 'staff suggest age appropriate toy/fun gift in addition to necessities'. The families are paired with sponsors who put their gifts together. Many of my colleagues seem to dread Hamper time, but I think it's the best thing ever. The level of poverty that some of these families are in is heart breaking and I'm glad that we can do something real about it.
My job is pretty good about taking care of clients, though. We had one (17 yrs) who couldn't live at home due to personal safety concerns and was couch surfing with a family who barely had enough food for themselves, much less and extra person, so at Canadian Thanksgiving (early Oct) the company allowed a $100 gift card to a grocery store so that they could have at least FOOD, even if they didn't make it Thx based. That kid is also first in line whenever we get food donations (usually lots and lots of bread/bagels) from Costco. She doesn't know it, and would be too proud to take it if she knew we were prioritizing her, but we just hide it in an office and keep not-clear shopping bags around so that she can carry it around without feeling embarrassed.
This job is heart wrenching, even without the terrible subject matter at hand.
Hmmmm. That seems to be my 'screwing with Christmas' rant for people who are fortunate enough to have the means and ability to do so, when so many families would take the things gratefully that these people are not even acknowledging.
Edited for bad grammar
-- Edited by Tignanello on Tuesday 1st of November 2016 09:30:29 PM
My mother goes overboard on gift-giving. The in-laws did not. We used to celebrate the holidays together. I just made sure the gift opening part was done separately, so that DH wasn't embarrassed and in-laws didn't think my parents were trying to make them look bad.
While I miss my MIL, I am glad I do not have to go through eggshell walking anymore.
