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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Abby - Ploy for new clothes or other reason?
Lawyerlady


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DEAR ABBY: You missed the mark in your answer to “Mother Doesn’t Know Best” (July 7), whose 8-year-old stepson arrives for visits in old, ill-fitting clothing, even though the father purchases new clothes for him on every visit.

I live in Ohio, and the state considers housing, food, electricity, gas and running water as part of the makeup of child support. I know this firsthand.

You also need to know if the mother is working and if she contributes to her son’s support. What about other expenses (toys, haircuts, uniforms, etc.)?

Part of the problem may be that Stepmom and Dad live across the country and aren’t there to see what exactly goes on day to day. Yes, the little boy shouldn’t be showing up at their home in clothes that are too small, but even Stepmom said he was putting on weight. — MITZI IN DAYTON, OHIO

DEAR MITZI: Your points are well taken. However, the majority of the feedback I received about that letter pointed out that children arriving in old clothes for visits with their dads is a popular ploy that some custodial mothers use in order to get new clothes, and some even return the clothes for cash. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I had a divorced girlfriend I had confided in about this same problem. She said, “Don’t you know? We always send the kids to their dad’s in their worst clothing. That way, they’ll have to buy them new stuff during the visit.”

You can’t assume that because a child arrives in worn or ill-fitting clothes that the custodial parent is unfit or that the child doesn’t have lots of better clothing at home. — MRS. D. IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ABBY: Please suggest that when Stepmom and Dad buy clothes for his son, they mark the labels with the boy’s initials. The mom may be returning the items for cash and buying something she wanted for herself. — MOM WHO KNOW



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Lawyerlady


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It could be any number of things. Perhaps Dad does think child support covers everything, and this is the mom's way to get him to buy more. Or, maybe the kid routinely leaves or loses clothes he takes over there and Mom doesn't want his good stuff going missing. Or maybe Mom does it as a passive aggressive way to make the dad look bad.

Personally, I think the kid should just have clothes at both places. Buy the clothes, keep them at your house, and send them home in the same ratty clothes they arrived in.

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In NH custody specifically addresses this issue. Clothes are the property of the child's and are supposed to stay with the child. Ex dh used to play this game. Whatever,, I want my child dressed decently so I don't worry about it. The only time I have an issue is if its her winter coat or some favorite article of clothing. I even send bras and underwear with her.

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lilyofcourse


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Child support rarely covers a 1/4 of what a kid needs.

Me, I've never let my kids leave the house in ratty clothes.

My nephew and niece rarely came with the clothes they needed.

Their mom just didn't send anything.

They wore my kids stuff.

And if you sent anything new home with them, it was returned to the store.

I swear, I've done nothing but feed and clothe kids for 20+ years.

 



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Tignanello


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why not just buy the kid clothes and keep them at the other house? That way, mom can't return them and they are clean and well kept. Yes, the kid will grow, but take him/her to Value Village or Salvation Army and pick out some things that fit. A wardrobe on a budget! Perhaps a list of options for Mom will help too ...

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Tignanello wrote:

why not just buy the kid clothes and keep them at the other house? That way, mom can't return them and they are clean and well kept. Yes, the kid will grow, but take him/her to Value Village or Salvation Army and pick out some things that fit. A wardrobe on a budget! Perhaps a list of options for Mom will help too ...

 Because you don't make the kid change outfits when they are going home so inevitably, they go home wearing a new outfit.  Do that twice a month, and the buyer of the clothes suddenly has none left but the other has them all.  It is stupid, selfish, and greedy by the other parent.



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lilyofcourse


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I made my nephew and niece change. I bought stuff for them that stayed here.

Clothes, shoes, jackets.

If I bought it, it stayed here.

I know they are not my kids, but on my brother's weekends, I had the kids.

And anytime their mom didn't want them.

I picked them up, from school or their grandmother's. I fed them, clothed them, cleaned them, took them places.

Basically, I shared custody.

 



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Vette


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We have clothes for him at our house and she has clothes for him at her house, it doesn't seem to be a problem. But we do buy the majority of his new clothes, and most of the rest his grandma buys, so DF's ex doesn't end of having to buy almost anything.

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lilyofcourse


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I get ticked when I hear a non custodial talk about how hard they have it.

Most child support is based on income and there is a formula for figuring it.

Here, for 3 kids it's 17% - 20% of the non custodial's income.

That's it.



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We have fifty fifty custody so there is no custodial parent I guess. And we still pay her child support. Actually, she should really be paying us because now that we watch him after school on her weeks the custody is more like 60/40. But that would never happen here

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Lawyerlady


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Tignanello wrote:

why not just buy the kid clothes and keep them at the other house? That way, mom can't return them and they are clean and well kept. Yes, the kid will grow, but take him/her to Value Village or Salvation Army and pick out some things that fit. A wardrobe on a budget! Perhaps a list of options for Mom will help too ...

 Because you don't make the kid change outfits when they are going home so inevitably, they go home wearing a new outfit.  Do that twice a month, and the buyer of the clothes suddenly has none left but the other has them all.  It is stupid, selfish, and greedy by the other parent.

 But you could.  And no, it's not selfish if you buy the kid new clothes and keep them at your house if he never comes back to your house with something decent to wear.  That's stupid and selfish and greedy by the parent sending him.  Having a room, toys and clothes at each house is not greedy or stupid.  



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Lawyerlady wrote:



It could be any number of things. Perhaps Dad does think child support covers everything, and this is the mom's way to get him to buy more. Or, maybe the kid routinely leaves or loses clothes he takes over there and Mom doesn't want his good stuff going missing. Or maybe Mom does it as a passive aggressive way to make the dad look bad.

Personally, I think the kid should just have clothes at both places. Buy the clothes, keep them at your house, and send them home in the same ratty clothes they arrived in.

 This is what we do at our house for SS.



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Cheerios4606


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Yep. I agree. Clothes at both houses just simply makes better sense. But yea, I also would be the one to have them change into their good clothes once they get to my house, and then send them home in their 'old ratty' clothes. I am sure that would stop the trashy behavior.

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Tignanello


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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:



It could be any number of things. Perhaps Dad does think child support covers everything, and this is the mom's way to get him to buy more. Or, maybe the kid routinely leaves or loses clothes he takes over there and Mom doesn't want his good stuff going missing. Or maybe Mom does it as a passive aggressive way to make the dad look bad.

Personally, I think the kid should just have clothes at both places. Buy the clothes, keep them at your house, and send them home in the same ratty clothes they arrived in.

 This is what we do at our house for SS.

 I am not a custodial parent, but if my (imaginary) kids came from their (imaginary) Dad's place looking a mess I would clean them up, but them in "mom's house" clothes and wash the others.  I would then have them wear the "dad's house' clothes home.  After all .. Dad bought them so they should go home to Dad's!

(don't people who don't have kids have the best advice about kids?!)



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Cheerios4606 wrote:

Yep. I agree. Clothes at both houses just simply makes better sense. But yea, I also would be the one to have them change into their good clothes once they get to my house, and then send them home in their 'old ratty' clothes. I am sure that would stop the trashy behavior.

 When we first got married there was fighting over EVERYTHING.  Every sock, every toy, every lego.  Finally DH and I just bought our own stuff.  At first he would want to bring stuff from his other house.  We would just wait an hour and put it up.  Now he knows.  When he comes here he changes and I put a load of laundry in.  His clothes go home on him clean.  His mom knows that.



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Cheerios4606


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Has it caused any problems or skufflebutt over it? I mean, it simply makes sense to try to keep the bickering to a minimum but I know in many cases the discourse between ex's can get rather unreasonable. :\

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Nobody Just Nobody


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No. It works out better. We don't have to keep track of everything that's "his". Just one outfit. I think the only problem it ever caused was he stayed over on a school night and I washed his clothes and put them back on him the next day. His mom got mad because she didn't want the school thinking they were poor. But she didn't send anything and he went home after school. Basically, this system has worked out best for us.

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