Dear Amy: I used to be very good friends with a colleague. We regularly socialized outside of work, and I was a frequent guest in her home.
This all changed, however, when (in my supervisory role) I followed work protocol and notified our human resources department that she was pregnant.
Even as other colleagues knew she was pregnant, my friend was furious that I informed HR. I don’t think I did anything wrong, but to keep the peace, I apologized to her repeatedly and sincerely.
On the surface, she appeared to accept my apology, but her attitude toward our friendship changed overnight. All interactions outside of work came to an abrupt halt. I thought that she needed time to get over what she regarded as a betrayal, but after several months, this is the new norm.
She recently gave birth and invited me over to meet her new baby. My husband thinks that this is an opportunity to mend fences and has encouraged me to visit her.
Amy, I can’t imagine doing this. I have been persona non grata at her house, and in her life, for several months now. The loss of our friendship has been incredibly painful, but I am slowly coming to terms with it.
If I could wave a magic wand and resume our friendship, I would. But because I no longer trust this person with my emotions, keeping my distance seems like the right course of action. Yet I worry that perhaps my husband is right. What do you think I should do?
Upset
Upset: I don’t know the specific rules of your company, but it seems strange for you to go to HR with the news of a colleague’s pregnancy. HR should be notified, of course, but (because you are her supervisor), you should have directed the co-worker to go to HR herself, promptly, once her pregnancy became common knowledge in the department. If she questioned HR’s need to know, you could have reviewed with her the relevant rules. You did not do any of these things.
You violated your co-worker’s privacy, as well as removing from her the important choice of exercising her own right to handle this according to her own judgment.
You apologized, and she accepted your apology. Her baby is now born, and she has invited you to her home. Yes, this invitation is her way of trying to normalize what has been a challenge to your friendship. You say that if you could wave a magic wand, you would resume your friendship. Well, she is handing you the wand.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I think Amy is wrong. The woman never should have been telling anyone at work she was pregnant before she told HR. And this woman was her supervisor - she had every right to inform HR about something that would affect the office.
Now, I think she should go. People do tend to get upset more easily and over-react when they are pregnant, and it's sounds like an olive branch is being offered.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
As her supervisor, she absolutely should have told HR. Her pregnancy could have and probably did interfere with her ability to perform her job functions and it is a supervisor's role to inform HR of these types of situations. Also, for succession planning purposes HR needed to know. HIPAA oddly enough does NOT protect you at work. Once you tell someone at work about a medical condition they have every right to inform those with a business need to know about your condition.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
This is why there are no fraternizing policies in most work environments.
The pregnant woman should have told HR herself.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I never gave it a second thought to notify HR of my pregnancy. I told my boss. Well, he kind of guessed, and I confirmed it. Who he told after that was of no concern to me. It's not like you can keep something like that a secret for long.
As for being persona non grata, perhaps she was having a difficult pregnancy and did not feel like socializing? My guess is the socializing coming to a halt had nothing to do with her boss's big reveal. She has invited her over now that the baby is home. Boss doesn't want to socialize now? That's on her then.
I have never heard of going to HR to tell them of a pregnancy until you start getting together your STD. We've have people here pregnant almost all the time and no one tells HR. That just seems odd to me that you would tell them before your co-workers.
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
I have never heard of going to HR to tell them of a pregnancy until you start getting together your STD. We've have people here pregnant almost all the time and no one tells HR. That just seems odd to me that you would tell them before your co-workers.
Here it could mean needing accommodations. If I were pregnant, there are parts of the plant that I wouldn't be able to go. So my job expectations would need adjusted immediately
I think she should go and see the baby, and see how things go from there. I do think the LW should have told her friend/CW first that she was going to go HR per office protocol to let them know she was pregnant. Friend/CW probably felt blind-sided.
I stopped carrying the 50 blocks of vegetable shortning and needed more bathroom breaks later in my pregnancies.
With Caitlyn, I was put on bed rest for the last 11 weeks because I was so swollen, so that was a problem with my working.
As for socializing, all I wanted to do was eat and sleep throughout each of my pregnancies.
If it didn't need doing, it didn't get done.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Interesting situation. I get that they were friends outside of work, but as a supervisor, she had every expectation to notify HR once it was public knowledge. If it were me, I would have defended my position and would NOT have apologized cuz I dont think she did anything wrong. Preggo mommy blew this out of proportion. I DO think she should go visit, but being how this woman over reacted, I would keep the 'friendship' on a permanent probationary period and would keep things more surface relationship than close bffs.
I have never heard of going to HR to tell them of a pregnancy until you start getting together your STD. We've have people here pregnant almost all the time and no one tells HR. That just seems odd to me that you would tell them before your co-workers.
If you will be taking your FMLA, someone will need to cover your duties and that could take months to arrange in some places. The training to get someone to take over my position would require a minimum of 3 months. So informing HR in order to get a succession plan in place would be paramount. Also, as I stated before, if accommodations will need to be made during your pregnancy, it's best to notify ASAP rather than spring it on he company. Oh BTW, I can no longer perform 20% of my job. Surprise! That wouldn't go over well.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
I have never heard of going to HR to tell them of a pregnancy until you start getting together your STD. We've have people here pregnant almost all the time and no one tells HR. That just seems odd to me that you would tell them before your co-workers.
If you will be taking your FMLA, someone will need to cover your duties and that could take months to arrange in some places. The training to get someone to take over my position would require a minimum of 3 months. So informing HR in order to get a succession plan in place would be paramount. Also, as I stated before, if accommodations will need to be made during your pregnancy, it's best to notify ASAP rather than spring it on he company. Oh BTW, I can no longer perform 20% of my job. Surprise! That wouldn't go over well.
Yeah, unfortunately, we don't work that way around here. My department's assistant was on maternity leave for 3 months (we get 8 weeks paid, the rest she used her vacation). Guess who worked 60-70 hour work weeks to do her job? Me and my boss (we are the only salaried ones, the others were not granted overtime, so they could only work 40 hours). It was hell, but that's the way this company rolls. We don't have temp employees. But we are in a small division, and we see the HR director every day. So it's not like she wouldn't notice. And this is a 100% office environment. So not being able to do your job (unless you were ordered to bed rest) really isn't an issue.
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
Interesting situation. I get that they were friends outside of work, but as a supervisor, she had every expectation to notify HR once it was public knowledge. If it were me, I would have defended my position and would NOT have apologized cuz I dont think she did anything wrong. Preggo mommy blew this out of proportion. I DO think she should go visit, but being how this woman over reacted, I would keep the 'friendship' on a permanent probationary period and would keep things more surface relationship than close bffs.
If you will be taking your FMLA, someone will need to cover your duties and that could take months to arrange in some places. The training to get someone to take over my position would require a minimum of 3 months. So informing HR in order to get a succession plan in place would be paramount. Also, as I stated before, if accommodations will need to be made during your pregnancy, it's best to notify ASAP rather than spring it on he company. Oh BTW, I can no longer perform 20% of my job. Surprise! That wouldn't go over well
Interesting situation. I get that they were friends outside of work, but as a supervisor, she had every expectation to notify HR once it was public knowledge. If it were me, I would have defended my position and would NOT have apologized cuz I dont think she did anything wrong. Preggo mommy blew this out of proportion. I DO think she should go visit, but being how this woman over reacted, I would keep the 'friendship' on a permanent probationary period and would keep things more surface relationship than close bffs.
I agree entirely.
I Agree as well. If as a manager this was part of her duties she did nothing wrong
