TOTALLY GEEKED!

Mellow Momma wrote:

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Well if she wants a child so badly she should have one. Adopt, foster, get a sperm donor...whatever it takes. She must not want it as badly as she says she does or she would have solved the problem by now. I can't support this whining piece when there are clear alternatives available to her that she chooses to ignore. It's not childlessness she is upset about. It's not having a partner. The childless thing she could fix.

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 I've remained childless because I don't have a partner.  Even with a sperm donor I know that I could never raise a child alone.  Single income wouldn't cover bills (I make just under the highest wage in my industry), no immediate support, no family support (in my case) having to split my time between child and work and prioritize child because I have a child but needing to prioritize rent so that we have food on the table and a roof over our heads.

There are not a lot of resources out there for single moms.  And, I can't foster as a single parent with a full time job.  It's legally not allowed.  I also can't adopt (I've checked) for two reasons.  The first is that 99% of the children available for adoption (children who are wards of the state - all ages) have severe FASD, were born addicted and/or have other physical, behavioral or cognitive issues (autism, etc.).  While caring for a special needs child is something that I would be willing to do, these children require full time support - in and out of school.  Paying for day/after school care is unrealistic ($100+ per day) and if you add special needs into the mix the rates get higher.  Not to mention full time home care if that is necessary.  The other reason is that private adoption (which may bypass the issues above due to circumstances and the screening process) is too expensive.  There is no way that I can afford it.  Ever.

Finally, many of the children are First Nations, and First Nations children are generally (99%) not adoptable by families who do not have First Nations ties.

Just because I haven't 'solved the problem' in one of the ways above doesn't make me a whiner and doesn't mean I don't want one badly.  I've had to choose not to have one because it is in the best interest of any child.

I couldn't disagree more Tig. Sorry. There are a TON of resources for single mothers that are not available to married women. When DH and I were first starting out the folks at the WIC office said we made a huge mistake by getting married because as a single mother I would have had resources thrown at me. And it was true. Every time I saw something to apply for that might help, it as specifically targeted to single mothers. Married mothers get no help whatsoever. It's expected that your husband will solve all of life's problems.

If you got pregnant right now you would figure out how to make it work. You would seek out solutions, create a network of support however you had to and you would find a way to make it work. If you job pays so little that you cannot afford a child, either you would eligible for food stamps due to the increased size of your household, or you would find a way to make it work. Perhaps using your skills to enter another field that makes more money. Yes, that would be hard and a sacrifice. But that's what parents do. They sacrifice. Again, they solve the problem.

Fostering must be different in Canada. In the USA a single person with a full time job is eligible to foster. I know people who have done so and gone on to adopt those children.

Also I think it's a horrible generalization to say that 99% of the children available for adoption are special needs. Yes, they may have some issues. But so do biological children. And a lot of the issues would be solved with a stable loving home environment where the child's needs were attended to. Again, I see that as an excuse.

If the OP wanted to have a child she could do it in no time. She is seeing the reasons not to and not the solutions.

I totally sympathize. I did not marry until I was 47. Way too late for kids. I did mourn. But I decided nto to be a single parent.

I am ok with the way my life has played out. But I did mourn.

MM, the foster and adoption process may be that way where you are, but thats not the case in many places. Here, its almost impossible to foster as a single person and outright not possible to adopt as a single person. Even the state agencies here go through private adoption services and they will not approve a single person. Right or wrong, its the way it is for now.

It is hard.

Caitlyn wants to be married and have babies so badly it hurts her, but at the same time, she refuses to settle.

She was talking about it today.

lilyofcourse wrote:

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It is hard.

Caitlyn wants to be married and have babies so badly it hurts her, but at the same time, she refuses to settle.

She was talking about it today.

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 How old is she Lilly?   She's very young.  Lots of time.  

Mellow Momma wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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MM, the foster and adoption process may be that way where you are, but thats not the case in many places. Here, its almost impossible to foster as a single person and outright not possible to adopt as a single person. Even the state agencies here go through private adoption services and they will not approve a single person. Right or wrong, its the way it is for now.

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 Then those agencies are breaking the law. In every state, single person adoption is legal. Tennessee laws states that any person over the age of 18 who has been a resident of the state for at least 6 months may adopt. 

http://law.jrank.org/pages/11832/Adoption.html

My entire point is that if the OP wanted a child so badly, she should look for ways to make that happen instead of sitting back and whining about it not happening/falling into her lap. You don't need to adopt to become a parent. That's just one way. 

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 I don't see it as whining (okay, the OP does have a whiny tone).  You may see me as 'looking for excuses', but from my perspective it's a choice to not deprive a child of what they deserve.  And knowing my limitations.  We don't have WIC and we don't have food stamps.  We have welfare.  And someone on welfare can't work because it would void their welfare money.  

I think that would be a hard situation. I think most women expect to eventually get married and raise a family. So, if that doesn't happen, that is a loss.

lilyofcourse wrote:

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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lilyofcourse wrote:

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It is hard.

Caitlyn wants to be married and have babies so badly it hurts her, but at the same time, she refuses to settle.

She was talking about it today.

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 How old is she Lilly?   She's very young.  Lots of time.  

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 She is 22.

 

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 She should go work as a nanny for a while.  That killed my baby fever dead for quite a while.

Domestic Engineer wrote:

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Lawyerlady wrote:

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I agree with Tig, I think when you have a choice, a child should have two parents. I wouldn't ever purposely CHOOSE to make a child knowing they would never have a father.

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 I agree.  Also, just because government assistance is available for single mothers, doesn't mean I would want to go that route.

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 I wouldn't recommend the single parent route either.  I was thrown into it two times and things turned out well, but it is stressful. The biggest thing was I had good jobs.

wanting to be a mother and being capable of being a mother are two different things entirely-- being mature enough emotionally and spiritually to handle the task are equally ( if not more ) important than having the financial wherewithal

I'm a bit old fashioned and didn't want to have a child while single. I mourned my singlehood and childless status for a long time but now that I'm married and menapausal I'm thinking it's not so bad 😀
But I was sad about no kids for many years.

Mom and I were talking the other day, about mawmaw, and it dawned on me just how young mawmaw was when she had mom.

Mawmaw will be 87 in February, mom will be 70 in October.

They have grown up together.

I'll be 47 in February, Caitlyn will be 23 in September.

I can't imagine having a baby at 16.

I'm not 100% sure I was old enough at 24.

Vette wrote:

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I can't be a mom because I got fixed, but I had to because I have a chronic illness and the medications I take would hurt a baby.

I also would not make a good mom, I'm just not mentally stable enough for that sort of thing. I make a great aunt, babysitter, Sunday school teacher, foster mom and step mom but a full time mom? No.

Do I want kids? Of course I do. Am I sad I can't have kids? I dwell on it everyday but I think I made the responsible decision not to.

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 You were and you did.  And, it all worked out.  

I feel defective. I don't think I've ever "yearned" for kids. When I was younger, I thought I was supposed to get married and have kids. And when it didn't happen, I thought I had totally screwed up my life and I would never be fulfilled - because that's what we are told. Then I realized, there is nothing wrong with my life (at least nothing a kid would fix). Now at 36, I know my chances are slim, but it's still possible. Either way, I'm ok with it.

I feel defective. I don't think I've ever "yearned" for kids.
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why should you feel defective? some women are called or driven to another life--a life that may preclude children due to its nature--or perhaps they've yet to meet the right man--or they choose not to have children at all

how can that be construed as " defective " by themselves or the rest of society?

Mary Zombie wrote:

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I'm a bit old fashioned and didn't want to have a child while single. I mourned my singlehood and childless status for a long time but now that I'm married and menapausal I'm thinking it's not so bad 😀
But I was sad about no kids for many years.

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 I think this is exactly how the OP feels or will feel.  I remember a time in my life when I wanted more children, DS was very young and his father and I had divorced.  It took 10 years to get over the fact that I wouldn't have anymore kids and I was ok with that, life had moved.  And then Oops! And Yay!

If I could have kids though I probably wouldn't because I have a really weak stomach and babies are pretty nasty lol

Vette, your last two posts have me ROTF!!

Kid pukes, you puke. Dog pukes, throw him out the door!

Divine Geek wrote:

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I was joking here. But society has made me feel like there is something wrong with me. And when I was younger, I believed them. Even now, when I state my dislike of children I get responses usually along the lines of, "what's wrong with you? Who doesn't like kids?" But I'm comfortable enough in my choices I can just laugh off their lack of tact

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 Lots of people don't like kids.   When I was young, I thought I'd want 3 or 4.  After having one, I was satisfied and didn't plan on more. 

I never thought about having kids.

It always seemed like a far off someday thing.

Then after I got married, I wanted nothing more than to have a baby.

I would have had more if, well, it wasn't in the cards.

But sometimes, I do wonder what on earth was I thinking?

burns07 wrote:

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wonder if children really do " complete " your life--have been with my lady over twenty years now and we've never really felt any sort of urge to have them--until a year or so ago
personally, do not feel any sort of compulsion to be a father but it would be a new experience for me indeed--have never pressured her or felt any pressure from her as to kids--she
said something though about a year back that gave me pause and have been talking a lot over the last several months about having a child--is a new dimension for us so will see how
things go with it

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 That is a very good question and one answered only by the individuals involved.  For me children did complete my life but perhaps that is because I had such bad marriages.  KWIM? for others, it may not matter. 

 

Divine Geek wrote:

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I feel defective. I don't think I've ever "yearned" for kids. When I was younger, I thought I was supposed to get married and have kids. And when it didn't happen, I thought I had totally screwed up my life and I would never be fulfilled - because that's what we are told. Then I realized, there is nothing wrong with my life (at least nothing a kid would fix). Now at 36, I know my chances are slim, but it's still possible. Either way, I'm ok with it.

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 I've never yearned for bio-kids, only to adopt and/or foster. I've said many times that my biological clock was never installed. I understand the defective feeling from society's expectation that women should pop out kid after kid. I love DS, don't get me wrong, but I never ached to be pregnant. Quite the opposite, actually. 

I've noticed that the "Do you have kids?" question comes up a lot. I don't get it either, especially when it's the first question out of their mouths. I don't recall anybody pushing for a further response when I said no. Now that I answer yes, I usually get "boy or girl?" or "how many?" as follow up questions.