Dear Amy: My former wife and I divorced after 26 years of marriage. She has refused to communicate with me.
We have twins in their late 20s — a daughter and a son. Although neither is married, each wants to eventually get married, and so I anticipate weddings.
Our son graduates from law school this spring. He may feel awkward about having both his parents attend his graduation. Last year, he went through a terrible crisis — the death of one of his best friends. It was terribly hard on him, yet his mom never talked to me about how we might help him.
Such occasions — a grief-stricken child, and a grown child’s life event — call for parents to come together. I want to talk with my former wife about the upcoming graduation. What do you suggest?
Loves His Twins
Loves His Twins: Ideally, you and your ex-wife would be able to discuss not just the huge events in your twins’ lives, but you would also be capable of simply checking in from time to time. However, your former wife is not willing to communicate with you, and so your twins are consigned to do the eternal dance of children of divorce, dealing with their parents separately and discreetly, as these young adults come to dread the tension initiated by big events.
If you want to try to communicate with your ex, you could send her an email titled “Graduation” in the subject line. Keep your email short, neutral and factual: Tell her what your plans are and ask her if she wants to coordinate.
She may not answer. I hope you’ll make a choice to simply be the easy, accommodating, warm and loving parent, regardless of your ex’s behavior. Always act cordially toward and about your ex. Never criticize her to your children. Take the high road. It’s not the easiest road, but it offers the best view.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Well now. Interesting that he completely leaves out the reason their marriage of 26 years ended and doesn't tell us why they got a divorce. There may be a very good reason she won't talk to him, and since their children are adults, she really doesn't need to.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Isn't the point of breaking up that you no longer have to see or speak to the other person?
Does he not know how to speak to other adults, such as his grown children?
Mmmmm....I don't know....once you have a child with someone, you are tied to that person for life, like it or not. Unless the other parent completely disappears from the child's life.
I wonder how long they have been divorced and whether the wounds are still fresh. At any rate, there will be occasions for the rest of their lives where they will need to communicate in some form, and may even have to attend special events at the same time, such as graduations, weddings, births of grandchildren, etc. Whether she's still in pain over whatever caused their divorce, she needs to consider her children.
That being said, if mom is still in contact with her children, she is most likely aware of the upcoming graduation. I would guess that they know what her plans are, if there are any plans.
As the wife of a man with divorced parents, I remember the anguish he would go through at every "special" event, knowing he would have to either chose one over the other, or bear the wrath of his step mother when choosing both.
UGH. Even with the very contemptuous divorce, we always put the kids first. Birthday's were celebrated with both parents. Graduations too. We often split the cost of more expensive gifts. Now, we see each other at the grandbabies' birthdays and we were together Christmas morning, with the rest of the family. We are civil. We don't have conversations or make small talk. We say hello and goodbye and take turns playing with the kids.
Now G's ex on the other hand is a horse of a different color. Birthdays are separate, we weren't invited to either of their huge graduation parties or for prom pictures, dinner. We were even left out of Senior banquets. It was hard on G.
Now, G's daughter, her fiancé, and Mad Dawg have moved back to Memphis. When they left, Ex told DSD that once she went back, she wouldn't want anything to do with her. Well, they've been gone 3 weeks. She has not spoken to them since. She's very angry that she is not in control of them anymore. It's really REALLY bad...DSD texts and or calls once a day. No response at all.
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
Well now. Interesting that he completely leaves out the reason their marriage of 26 years ended and doesn't tell us why they got a divorce. There may be a very good reason she won't talk to him, and since their children are adults, she really doesn't need to.
This is exactly the same thing I thought when I read the letter. The cause of the divorce would seem to be what is blocking communication between these two. And he does not breathe one syllable of what it might be... Mm...
And why would the graduate be uncomfortable with both attending the ceremony; lots of divorced people these days. Not like it is a strange thing....
You know it's funny, as bad as my marriage and ex dh was and can still be, I am able to separate the DD needs from my desire to never talk to his abusive ass again.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Uh, they can't sit on opposite sides of the room at special events? I'm guessing that 20yr old children have a mind of their own and were witness to whatever went down in that home prior to divorce.
Well now. Interesting that he completely leaves out the reason their marriage of 26 years ended and doesn't tell us why they got a divorce. There may be a very good reason she won't talk to him, and since their children are adults, she really doesn't need to.
This is exactly the same thing I thought when I read the letter. The cause of the divorce would seem to be what is blocking communication between these two. And he does not breathe one syllable of what it might be... Mm...
And why would the graduate be uncomfortable with both attending the ceremony; lots of divorced people these days. Not like it is a strange thing....
I'm betting they have a big place to have that graduation, too. I think he might be a little concerned that when it comes to these events, the kids might choose mom over him attending if it comes to that. Which also speaks to the mysterious cause of the divorce.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I never understood the need for some people to stay friends after a divorce. If I ever run into my ex husband in public I'll smile and say hi, sure but I'm not going to strike up a conversation because I really don't care. Is that bad?
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
I never understood the need for some people to stay friends after a divorce. If I ever run into my ex husband in public I'll smile and say hi, sure but I'm not going to strike up a conversation because I really don't care. Is that bad?
Nope. But you guys didn't have kids together.
These kids are grown, though, so she really doesn't have to deal with him, either.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
