DEAR AMY: My daughter is graduating from high school. She barely passes classes if she doesn’t like the subject or the teacher. She doesn’t bother with homework, and will graduate by the skin of her teeth.
She is great at talking people into giving her another chance and getting in under the wire. After many years of fighting about her grades and habits, I now stand back, give her hugs and am ready to let her fly (or not) on her own.
She has magically been admitted to her first choice of college, which is out of state, and it’s expensive. We have saved and have enough to cover her tuition, but I fear her terrible habits and manipulative ways will just end up costing us $40,000, and she won’t have anything to show for it.
I don’t think she’s ready, but I don’t want to tell her that she’s likely to fail.
She has always wanted to go to college and will not even discuss alternatives, like a gap year program, where I think she would gain some much-needed maturity and life skills. I can’t have her live at home, either. I think she needs to get out into the world. Plus, I’d probably go insane.
My inclination is to send her off with the caveat that she has to get Cs or better, or she’s back home at community college.
Should I give her that chance on our dime? What can I do to help her get her act together? She’s an amazing kid, but needs to figure it out.
Mom
DEAR MOM: Let’s review: Your primary concern about your daughter is how she manages to manipulate situations and people in order to squeak under the wire. And look — she has done it again! Once she barely graduates, she is being handed the prize. And you are willing to spend $40,000 in order to get her out of the house (you wouldn’t be the first parent to do that…).
Given your high stakes investment in her future and your perceptions of her realistic chances of success, maybe you should not send her off with a hug.
You could give her two choices: A gap year program (also an expensive option), or at least one semester of community college where she takes and passes four classes before transferring to her dream school (many schools are flexible about deferring admission). If she isn’t willing to even discuss it, then it is because she assumes she can again manipulate you into getting what she wants.
I’m suggesting that you make this uncomfortable enough for her that (after she pouts and acts out and threatens to join the merchant marines), she will come to you with realistic options and possible solutions to your shared concern. She needs to earn her way in.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Unlike public school going to college is a privilege not a right. I wouldn't wastell the money to send her to college on her past actions and performance in high school. We made our son work for a construction crew before we felt we were sure he was ready.
I would tell her that we would pay for community college for a year for her to prove that she will take college seriously, and then she can transfer and we'll pay for that.
If she has her heart set on attending the expensive school, then I'd contribute the same amount as the community college would cost, and she'd have to find a way to pay for the rest herself. If she got all As and Bs in the first semester, I'd start paying in the second semester. If she didn't get all As and Bs but she managed to get a 2.5 GPA the first year, I'd pay for the second year and continue paying as long as she kept a 2.5 EACH semester.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I would tell her that we would pay for community college for a year for her to prove that she will take college seriously, and then she can transfer and we'll pay for that.
If she has her heart set on attending the expensive school, then I'd contribute the same amount as the community college would cost, and she'd have to find a way to pay for the rest herself. If she got all As and Bs in the first semester, I'd start paying in the second semester. If she didn't get all As and Bs but she managed to get a 2.5 GPA the first year, I'd pay for the second year and continue paying as long as she kept a 2.5 EACH semester.
You wrote my thoughts EXACTLY. There is absolutely nothing wrong with community college. Get all your pre-requisites done for a FRACTION of the cost and then focus on your major the last couple of years. She needs to prove that she can keep a decent GPA. A 4 year, out of state college is NOT going to help. It will only fuel her lackadaisical fire...
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
If this girl is such a great manipulator and able to get others to keep giving her another chance, etc. I foresee a great career in politics for her.
This is just another situation where the parents could not say no and mean it when dealing with their snowflake. Been going on for her whole life, I would bet.
I think that the mom wants her to 'prove' herself with C's or better is telling. If mom is willing to take the risk she should at least demand A's and B's.
If this child is "barely graduating" how on earth did she get into a college of her choice?
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
If this child is "barely graduating" how on earth did she get into a college of her choice?
She probably picked a school that cares more about collecting tuition than getting good students. I think you are assuming college of her choice means good school.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I would alsoo teell my kid that the local community college is a good place to start. I would rather pay $4,000/year (FT, 4-5 classes per semester, Fall and Spring and probably 2 in the Summer Semester) than $40,000 for other school. And does that $40k include room & board and books?
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
First of all, why are they letting her apply out of state? I told my son that we will look at what he wants to major in, then find the colleges that offer it and go from there. He is now a freshmen in Engineering and is going to a Penn State branch campus and living at home. He will live at home 2 years then go to the big campus for the Jr, Sr years. So, no you don't get to always go to the "college of your choice".
As for my older son, he barely slid thru High School. He was immature. No way i was gonna send him to a 4 year school. He took a gap year working at Burger King. That wised him up a bit. I said he could consider a 2 yr program. We looked at a nursing program and he got accepted but then decided to go to a Tech/Trade School for Electrical. He graduated with his Associate's. Not all kids are 4 year material.
Getting into college isnt that hard. It's all about the bejamins. They will take most anyone in some program. Doesnt mean they will pas but they get paid so what do they care.?
