DEAR ABBY: I am a stay-at-home mom with three children. Recently, another mom asked me to care for her 3-year-old daughter while she went to work. She offered to pay me, but I declined, given her circumstances, because I consider her a friend, even though I have known her for only a short time.
My fiance is now mad at me for not charging her. How can I make him see that it is not a problem for me since I am stuck at home anyway? It's not like I am losing money by doing her a favor. -- STUCK AT HOME IN COLORADO
DEAR STUCK: That it's not a problem for you isn't the point. It's a problem for your fiance. He may not want the family's hard-earned money going toward feeding someone else's child. But ultimately, the decision about whether to do this favor for your friend should be yours, and not his.
My mother used to take the next door neighbor's child when we were little because she was a SAHM, and the neighbor worked. But she got paid. It was extra income. I had a playmate. The neighbor didn't have to go somewhere to "pick up" her child. It was a win-win.
LW should charge, or at least ask her to bring her own food. But she's not, and the problem is really between her and her fiance. They are obviously not on the same page.
Her and her fiance need to sit down and have a chat. One more child is not going to eat that much more food. If it's not the extra food cost, the fiance needs to say what his problem is.
Think maybe the fiance thinks the friend is taking advantage or the LW is being used.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I think there should be some kind of compensation.
But then again, I also think the parents should get married already.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
But how long before it is no longer a favor and just expected?
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
If a friend needs help I would rather do it as a favor than be paid for it.
That is fine on an emergency basis or a planned one day a week. But all the time? The friend is working and should expect to pay something. Plus what happens when LW can't babysit due to her family's schedule? Will friend get mad (they usually do). LW can charge a cheap price but she does deserve something. And her Fiance's opinion should be a factor.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
If a friend needs help I would rather do it as a favor than be paid for it.
That is fine on an emergency basis or a planned one day a week. But all the time? The friend is working and should expect to pay something. Plus what happens when LW can't babysit due to her family's schedule? Will friend get mad (they usually do). LW can charge a cheap price but she does deserve something. And her Fiance's opinion should be a factor.
This. What about sick kids, family emergencies, vacations?
If a friend needs help I would rather do it as a favor than be paid for it.
That is fine on an emergency basis or a planned one day a week. But all the time? The friend is working and should expect to pay something. Plus what happens when LW can't babysit due to her family's schedule? Will friend get mad (they usually do). LW can charge a cheap price but she does deserve something. And her Fiance's opinion should be a factor.
This. What about sick kids, family emergencies, vacations?
All of those things could turn into issues whether or not she is being paid.
I have to disagree. If my fiance tried to tell me who I could or could not help with my time as a SAHM then he wouldn't be my fiance any longer. Unless she's offering THEIR money it's really not up to him. If feeding another child lunch 5 days a week is a financial burden for them then they should be charging because she obviously can't afford to stay home.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
I think it's a bad idea. I think she should be her back up only.
Also - I think the fiance has the right to have a say in this since it's his home, too, and she's probably a SAHM because he supports her being able to have that time and give that attention to their children, not someone else's. I mean, quite frankly, he'd be the one supporting this other woman's children during the workweek.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
It isn't just lunch, I bet there is breakfast and you know there are snacks.
I wouldn't be surprised to find out dinner is eaten there, too, more often than not.
It can get expensive.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
My dh would never think twice about me offering free child care to family or friends. He remembers the people who provided free childcare when we had kids and I guess he figures what I do with my time is up to me. As far as all those meals I can agree that maybe she might provide a snack as well as lunch but no where did I see anything about her taking over ALL meals for the other child. That's just speculation.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
It's one thing to help someone when they really need it and another to be taken advantage of. Besides, this woman OFFERED to pay, so she can, and she should.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I don't see where she's even started watching the child so I'm not sure where you are getting that she's being taken advantage of. It was HER choice to decline the money so the was no advantage taking.
-- Edited by Tinydancer on Thursday 30th of March 2017 07:31:20 AM
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
I don't see where she's even started watching the child so I'm not sure where you are getting that she's being taken advantage of. It was HER choice to decline the money so the was no advantage taking.
-- Edited by Tinydancer on Thursday 30th of March 2017 07:31:20 AM
But it's not just HER house and HER money that would be used for this. It's his, too.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
That's a good point. There is some cost involved in keeping her. Feeding her, etc. However, neither of them sounds very swift. Why doesn't he marry her if she has his children?
They decided together she'd be a SAHM I would think so does that mean he gets to dictate what she can do with her days? If he begrudges an extra meal a day for another child then he's a putz and I wouldn't want to marry him.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
They decided together she'd be a SAHM I would think so does that mean he gets to dictate what she can do with her days? If he begrudges an extra meal a day for another child then he's a putz and I wouldn't want to marry him.
I think he gets to have a say about what goes on in his house if it's costing him more money and affects the attention his kids get.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Not to mention, it doesn't tell us the hours. Maybe he gets home an hour before she would pick them up and doesn't want to come home to more kids when he has worked all day.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Well we can make up any scenario we want to but without more facts it's just speculation. I personally would not marry a man who thinks he can tell me what I can do with my time whether I'm working or not.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
Well we can make up any scenario we want to but without more facts it's just speculation. I personally would not marry a man who thinks he can tell me what I can do with my time whether I'm working or not.
I agree. But i certainly would not be having 3 kids without being married either.
Well we can make up any scenario we want to but without more facts it's just speculation. I personally would not marry a man who thinks he can tell me what I can do with my time whether I'm working or not.
He can certainly have say in what she can do in their house, though and on things that impact the finances of their household. They are not married, and yet he is supporting her completely - it's probably his house. We don't even know if the 3 kids are his.
There are all sorts of possible reasons he may not want her to do it, and her "stuck at home" comment is very telling. Maybe she gets grouchy and frustrated just taking care of 3 kids and she won't admit it and he doesn't want her having even more on her plate.
And you have no idea how tight their finances are with her not working - feeding extra kids would absolutely affect him.
You may say he can't tell her what to do with her time, but she is putting extra responsibility directly on him to feed extra people. It's not ok. And costing HIM money directly impacts the decision here. Notice he didn't say she couldn't do it - he doesn't want her to do it for FREE.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
She can do whatever works for her and them but I would not marry a man who would try to tell me what I can do with my time even if I'm not working. You all can do what is best for you (general you).
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
She can do whatever works for her and them but I would not marry a man who would try to tell me what I can do with my time even if I'm not working. You all can do what is best for you (general you).
So, she gets complete say about what goes on in their home at his expense, and he gets none. Got it. If I were him, I wouldn't marry into a situation like that.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Fixed that for you.