I have been listening to Dr. Laura on XM. She recommends that if you are divorced, that you should not remarry until your kids are 18 and adults. At first, not sure i agreed with her. But, now, that does seem like a reasonable point of view to at least consider. What say you?
I think it is a very personal decision that each individual has to make for themselves.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I haven't had to face that so I dont' know. But, she does make some good points. But, on the other hand, it would be hard to be a single parent and also be lonely.
I haven't had to face that so I dont' know. But, she does make some good points. But, on the other hand, it would be hard to be a single parent and also be lonely.
You know, I'm sure there were times I was lonely, but really, I was just too busy to deal with anything else.
I was also living through some serious depression and I knew that I was not relationship material.
I needed to be the best mom for my kids, and, for me, that meant not being in a relationship.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
There's nothing wrong with getting into a serious relationship, including one that ends with getting re-married. That's not the problem.
The problem is divorced men and women that almost need queuing barricades at their bedroom doors because there are so many different "uncles" and "aunts" visiting that it completely screws up the kids.
There's nothing wrong with children seeing a parent dating, whether it leads to marriage or not. There are valuable lessons children can learn by watching a parent navigate the dating world. Of course, that's providing the parent and child(ren) communicate. I do; however, agree that children should be kept away from seeing a parade of the opposite sex through Mom's or Dad's bedroom. And waking up to and having breakfast with "the date" isn't good for the kids until there's more of a commitment.
And telling the kids that it's their "uncle" or "aunt" is totally wrong! Talk about confusing a child.
I think children need a strong male role model in their lives. My ex wanted nothing to do with my daughter when we got divorced. I met my now DH 4 years later when she was 9. I didn't have a parade of boyfriends but I did date a bit. None of them came home with me. Even after we were engaged he didn't spend the night. When we got married that was when we combined the families. Now 26 years later his son thinks of me as mom and my daughter thinks of him as dad. I couldn't ask for a better man as a role model after the example of her supposedly real dad.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
I think children need a strong male role model in their lives. My ex wanted nothing to do with my daughter when we got divorced. I met my now DH 4 years later when she was 9. I didn't have a parade of boyfriends but I did date a bit. None of them came home with me. Even after we were engaged he didn't spend the night. When we got married that was when we combined the families. Now 26 years later his son thinks of me as mom and my daughter thinks of him as dad. I couldn't ask for a better man as a role model after the example of her supposedly real dad.
Dating is fine, even if the kids know. I just wouldn't introduce the kids to a BF until we were exclusive and certainly no sleepovers with the kids in the house. But it's the revolving door thing I see far too often that I think is an issue. Too many move in together, break up, and move on to someone else. That cannot be good for the kids.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Her point is that second marriages have an even higher divorce rate. And, that kids need some peace so the primary focus should be on your children. Didn't say i subscribe to her opinion but she I do agree that she makes some good points and there are mothers who bring in a parade of boyfriends.
Her point is that second marriages have an even higher divorce rate. And, that kids need some peace so the primary focus should be on your children. Didn't say i subscribe to her opinion but she I do agree that she makes some good points and there are mothers who bring in a parade of boyfriends.
I wonder why that is.
Seems to me that you should learn from your mistakes...
It takes a special kind of person to be a stepparent. Unfortunately, there aren't many out there. I think if you find that special kind of person, hold on to him/her. I'm talking the kind that Brad Paisley sang about in "The dad you didn't have to be."
The girl behind me got pregnant at 17. The father disappeared from the picture, never to be heard from again. A couple years ago she got married to a very nice man from Israel. He seems very devoted to her and their son, who is now 8. He calls him dad. Is it perfect? No. There are certain areas where they butt heads, like homework. That's best left to mom to help with. But that's the way it is in any family.
Personally, I don't think I could do that...bring another man into my children's lives if something were to happen to DH. I hope I never have to make that decision during my boys' childhood.
And I don't think the difficulty stops when a child turns 18. My DH's father remarried when DH was in his late 20's and the problems continue to date. Just because a child turns 18 doesn't mean they aren't your child anymore. Steps would be better realizing that children from another mother/father will always be in their lives. Some, particularly my sMIL, had a hard time accepting that.
Her point is that second marriages have an even higher divorce rate. And, that kids need some peace so the primary focus should be on your children. Didn't say i subscribe to her opinion but she I do agree that she makes some good points and there are mothers who bring in a parade of boyfriends.
I wonder why that is.
Seems to me that you should learn from your mistakes...
flan
You've already divorced once. People don't marry with the intent of getting divorced, and making that decision the first time is likely very hard, but once you've done it and come out the other side, it would be an easier decision the next time.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Her point is that second marriages have an even higher divorce rate. And, that kids need some peace so the primary focus should be on your children. Didn't say i subscribe to her opinion but she I do agree that she makes some good points and there are mothers who bring in a parade of boyfriends.
I wonder why that is.
Seems to me that you should learn from your mistakes...
flan
You've already divorced once. People don't marry with the intent of getting divorced, and making that decision the first time is likely very hard, but once you've done it and come out the other side, it would be an easier decision the next time.
Her point is that second marriages have an even higher divorce rate. And, that kids need some peace so the primary focus should be on your children. Didn't say i subscribe to her opinion but she I do agree that she makes some good points and there are mothers who bring in a parade of boyfriends.
I wonder why that is.
Seems to me that you should learn from your mistakes...
flan
You've already divorced once. People don't marry with the intent of getting divorced, and making that decision the first time is likely very hard, but once you've done it and come out the other side, it would be an easier decision the next time.
I have NEVER been divorced.
flan
I was speaking in general, not about YOU. Sorry, I forgot who I was talking to, you can't understand a discussion is not all about you unless that is clarified.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Her point is that second marriages have an even higher divorce rate. And, that kids need some peace so the primary focus should be on your children. Didn't say i subscribe to her opinion but she I do agree that she makes some good points and there are mothers who bring in a parade of boyfriends.
I wonder why that is.
Seems to me that you should learn from your mistakes...
flan
You've already divorced once. People don't marry with the intent of getting divorced, and making that decision the first time is likely very hard, but once you've done it and come out the other side, it would be an easier decision the next time.
I have NEVER been divorced.
flan
I was speaking in general, not about YOU. Sorry, I forgot who I was talking to, you can't understand a discussion is not all about you unless that is clarified.
You quoted ME, and said: "You've already divorced once."
Her point is that second marriages have an even higher divorce rate. And, that kids need some peace so the primary focus should be on your children. Didn't say i subscribe to her opinion but she I do agree that she makes some good points and there are mothers who bring in a parade of boyfriends.
I wonder why that is.
Seems to me that you should learn from your mistakes...
flan
You've already divorced once. People don't marry with the intent of getting divorced, and making that decision the first time is likely very hard, but once you've done it and come out the other side, it would be an easier decision the next time.
I have NEVER been divorced.
flan
I was speaking in general, not about YOU. Sorry, I forgot who I was talking to, you can't understand a discussion is not all about you unless that is clarified.
You quoted ME, and said: "You've already divorced once."
flan
I am fully aware you have not been divorced. The "You" was general, in answer to your question.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I agree with LL on the ease of divorce, well ease probably isn't the correct word. Once you've divorced it becomes easier to mentally make that decision again.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
There is also WHY someone divorced. I mean, were they unable to live with someone else, did they cheat? The reason for the first divorce may arise in the second marriage, too.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Personally, I despise the step parent who doesn't like their step children (esp if the children are minors). You (general you) knew he or she had minor children when you (general you) decided to get involved and marry him or her. The minor children had no say in their parents getting divorced, so why should the children have to suffer?
In my experience it's not the children that make a second marriage a problem but the exes. But, they will always be in your life too so you need to be able to deal with that.
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
In my experience it's not the children that make a second marriage a problem but the exes. But, they will always be in your life too so you need to be able to deal with that.
In my case, it was both.
But it's all good now. I have finally decided never to see the ex again.
In my experience it's not the children that make a second marriage a problem but the exes. But, they will always be in your life too so you need to be able to deal with that.
In my case, it was both.
But it's all good now. I have finally decided never to see the ex again.
flan
I just can't understand why you would have issue with his ex or their kids, or vice versa, since the marriage was already dead when you came into the picture, as you say.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Personally, I despise the step parent who doesn't like their step children (esp if the children are minors). You (general you) knew he or she had minor children when you (general you) decided to get involved and marry him or her. The minor children had no say in their parents getting divorced, so why should the children have to suffer?
I agree! A parent should be very careful who they date and choose to marry. It is sad when a mother or father's need to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend" is more important then looking out for what's best for their children.
Personally, I despise the step parent who doesn't like their step children (esp if the children are minors). You (general you) knew he or she had minor children when you (general you) decided to get involved and marry him or her. The minor children had no say in their parents getting divorced, so why should the children have to suffer?
I agree! A parent should be very careful who they date and choose to marry. It is sad when a mother or father's need to have a "boyfriend/girlfriend" is more important then looking out for what's best for their children.
On the other hand I have seen some step parents who were better parents then the bio one too.
There is also WHY someone divorced. I mean, were they unable to live with someone else, did they cheat? The reason for the first divorce may arise in the second marriage, too.
I think this is very important.
For me, I didn't trust my ability to make good decisions, or anyone else, after all I had been through with him and my divorce.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
In my experience it's not the children that make a second marriage a problem but the exes. But, they will always be in your life too so you need to be able to deal with that.
In my case, it was both.
But it's all good now. I have finally decided never to see the ex again.
flan
Liberating, isn't it? I made that decision with my in-laws.
In my experience it's not the children that make a second marriage a problem but the exes. But, they will always be in your life too so you need to be able to deal with that.
In my case, it was both.
But it's all good now. I have finally decided never to see the ex again.
flan
Liberating, isn't it? I made that decision with my in-laws.
Yup.
When DH's 12-year-old DGD swallowed pills last summer, she did NOT take her to the hospital AND she did NOT want DH to find out.
In my experience it's not the children that make a second marriage a problem but the exes. But, they will always be in your life too so you need to be able to deal with that.
In my case, it was both.
But it's all good now. I have finally decided never to see the ex again.
flan
Liberating, isn't it? I made that decision with my in-laws.
Yup.
When DH's 12-year-old DGD swallowed pills last summer, she did NOT take her to the hospital AND she did NOT want DH to find out.
I have no words.
flan
But if you had a better relationship, perhaps she would have told you and DH.
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
In my experience it's not the children that make a second marriage a problem but the exes. But, they will always be in your life too so you need to be able to deal with that.
In my case, it was both.
But it's all good now. I have finally decided never to see the ex again.
flan
Liberating, isn't it? I made that decision with my in-laws.
Yup.
When DH's 12-year-old DGD swallowed pills last summer, she did NOT take her to the hospital AND she did NOT want DH to find out.
I have no words.
flan
But if you had a better relationship, perhaps she would have told you and DH.
Nope, totally wrong.
Anytime I visit, she acts like she wants to be my best friend. It's creepy.
AND her way of dealing with ANY unpleasant problem is to ignore it. Both she and her daughter have swallowed pills in the past. It's so frustrating.
In my experience it's not the children that make a second marriage a problem but the exes. But, they will always be in your life too so you need to be able to deal with that.
In my case, it was both.
But it's all good now. I have finally decided never to see the ex again.
flan
Liberating, isn't it? I made that decision with my in-laws.
Yup.
When DH's 12-year-old DGD swallowed pills last summer, she did NOT take her to the hospital AND she did NOT want DH to find out.
I have no words.
flan
But if you had a better relationship, perhaps she would have told you and DH.
Nope, totally wrong.
Anytime I visit, she acts like she wants to be my best friend. It's creepy.
AND her way of dealing with ANY unpleasant problem is to ignore it. Both she and her daughter have swallowed pills in the past. It's so frustrating.
flan
How is that creepy? Sounds to me as though she wanted to have a good relationship.
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
In my experience it's not the children that make a second marriage a problem but the exes. But, they will always be in your life too so you need to be able to deal with that.
In my case, it was both.
But it's all good now. I have finally decided never to see the ex again.
flan
Liberating, isn't it? I made that decision with my in-laws.
Yup.
When DH's 12-year-old DGD swallowed pills last summer, she did NOT take her to the hospital AND she did NOT want DH to find out.
I have no words.
flan
But if you had a better relationship, perhaps she would have told you and DH.
Nope, totally wrong.
Anytime I visit, she acts like she wants to be my best friend. It's creepy.
AND her way of dealing with ANY unpleasant problem is to ignore it. Both she and her daughter have swallowed pills in the past. It's so frustrating.
flan
How is that creepy? Sounds to me as though she wanted to have a good relationship.
You don't know her.
She doesn't know a thing about relationships.
Have you ever known a person who didn't take a hint?
I love my kids a lot. A LOT. But I will be darned if I will stay single or lonely just to make them feel ok. MY feelings and needs are important too. They can get over it.
In my experience it's not the children that make a second marriage a problem but the exes. But, they will always be in your life too so you need to be able to deal with that.
In my case, it was both.
But it's all good now. I have finally decided never to see the ex again.
flan
Liberating, isn't it? I made that decision with my in-laws.
Yup.
When DH's 12-year-old DGD swallowed pills last summer, she did NOT take her to the hospital AND she did NOT want DH to find out.
I have no words.
flan
But if you had a better relationship, perhaps she would have told you and DH.
Nope, totally wrong.
Anytime I visit, she acts like she wants to be my best friend. It's creepy.
AND her way of dealing with ANY unpleasant problem is to ignore it. Both she and her daughter have swallowed pills in the past. It's so frustrating.
flan
How is that creepy? Sounds to me as though she wanted to have a good relationship.
You don't know her.
She doesn't know a thing about relationships.
Have you ever known a person who didn't take a hint?
flan
Absolutely. But, I'm not convinced it is her.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I love my kids a lot. A LOT. But I will be darned if I will stay single or lonely just to make them feel ok. MY feelings and needs are important too. They can get over it.
And why is this study only aimed at women?
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
This study is aimed at women because, generally, it's the moms who are the main care givers after divorce.
__________________
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I love my kids a lot. A LOT. But I will be darned if I will stay single or lonely just to make them feel ok. MY feelings and needs are important too. They can get over it.
I agree. I think it is healthy for kids to realize they are not always the top priority. Mom and Dad are important too and sometimes their needs and feelings need to come first.
I think there is no cut and dry answer to this. Each situation is going to be different. Whether you or your children were previously abused, how much free time you actually have, how you present new people to your kids, etc.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I love my kids a lot. A LOT. But I will be darned if I will stay single or lonely just to make them feel ok. MY feelings and needs are important too. They can get over it.
I agree. I think it is healthy for kids to realize they are not always the top priority. Mom and Dad are important too and sometimes their needs and feelings need to come first.
Yes. It is important for mom and dad to be in a healthy place.
My thing is, and this is ONLY MY THOUGHTS on this, the second that little pink line showed up on that pregnancy test, it WAS all about the kids.
Now, I said from the jump, it is a very individual decision.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I love my kids a lot. A LOT. But I will be darned if I will stay single or lonely just to make them feel ok. MY feelings and needs are important too. They can get over it.
I agree. I think it is healthy for kids to realize they are not always the top priority. Mom and Dad are important too and sometimes their needs and feelings need to come first.
Yes. It is important for mom and dad to be in a healthy place.
My thing is, and this is ONLY MY THOUGHTS on this, the second that little pink line showed up on that pregnancy test, it WAS all about the kids.
Now, I said from the jump, it is a very individual decision.
I like using the analogy of an airplane going down, you are supposed to out the oxygen mask on yourself first and THEN your kids.
Such is life. If you don't take care of yourself first it really isn't fair to your kids.
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
Granted, I never had to experience separated parents. But I remember being told no. They were going on a trip, we kids wanted to go, but were told no. It was their trip and we had to deal with it. I think stuff like that is important. They put themselves and their relationship with each other first at times. Ultimately, I guess that was for us. Because it gave them a good healthy relationship to model for us.
That's just one example I chose to use. It was not the only time it happened.
