Dear Carolyn: I work a desk job, and my family member has been a homemaker for as long as I can remember. We talk most nights, and both enjoy it.
BUT: Almost every call, when I’m on my way home to my takeout or quick meal, she makes a point of asking me what I’m “making for dinner.” I usually avoid the question by turning it around, but it makes me feel horribly judged that I don’t have the time/energy/desire to cook a lovely meal for myself after long days at work, and I don’t know how to get this question to go away forever. Thoughts?
— Dinner-Judged
Dinner-Judged: You could just admit it’s a sore spot for you because you miss cooking, but it’s not practical with the hours you keep. A nice family member will then at least try to break the habit of asking.
But I’m guessing a bigger payoff awaits if you attack it from within, as your own demon. Why do you see more value in making a “lovely meal for myself” than in making a living? All of us assign different values to things. Presumably you’re comfortable with the larger idea that some people value paid work more and some value domesticity more — right? And that some have the energy and interest to sustain both? And some are indifferent to both? And all this human variety is a good thing?
So why is this particular exchange with this particular person over this particular point so abrasive to you? Do you wish you didn’t have to work, or did have the energy to cook? Do you have a history of competing with this relative, and if it weren’t about dinner you’d torment each other through books read or vacations taken or names dropped? Have you considered this is as much her insecurity as yours?
Are you living a different life from the one you’d always envisioned? Instead of owning what is, are you dwelling on what isn’t? If so, why?
Self-acceptance is the miracle cure for feeling judged. One way to start the process of getting there is to fill in the blank in these sentences: “I would be at peace about where I am in life if I [whatever],” making sure [whatever] is something fully under your control. It’s a deceptively difficult thought exercise. Round it out with, “I am grateful every day for [something].” See what turns up.
Re: Judged: My mother used to call most days and ask me the same question, and it annoyed me. Finally I asked, “Why do you ask? What do you want me to say?” She responded, “Oh, I just get so bored with cooking I’m hoping for ideas.”
— Finally
Finally: Innocent intent! Blimey.
Re: Judged: It’s possible she’s simply hoping you’ll return the question. Tonight’s dinner might be the highlight of her own work day and she wants to share that with you.
— Sympathetic
Sympathetic: Such nice bridges being designed here, thanks.
Re: Judged: Sorry for being helpy, but, if you really miss home-cooked meals, have you thought about cooking a lot on the weekends, and then freezing meals for the weeknights?
— Sorry
Sorry: Thanks, everybody. But why is it this is the first time I’m seeing “helpy”?
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Or mother. My mother is the opposite. She tells me I should cut corners and rip open a package of a Lipton side and add meat, rather than actually cooking. I got tired of telling her about DH's salt-restrictive diet, so I just say, "wow, sounds great. I'll try that sometime." It shuts her up.
Alternatively, you could go all Martha Stewart on her and tell her you're stopping at the feed store to pick up food for the cattle then you're going to milk them, slaughter one for dinner, pick veggies from the garden, churn butter, etc. Out SAHM her.
Well, we all know there are people who say things in a way to pass a judgement or criticize in a passive aggressive way. And, if that is the case, then stop talking to his person so much.
I think the question is more small talk than anything, or perhaps looking for suggestions.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I cook and freeze work food. For regular after work dinners? There is a place down the street where you can get 3 samosa for $2.50. I might never cook again. Although, they are extra spicy tonight. My tongue might fall off.
If I lived in a city where there were so many options and available prepared food, i would cook much less. I enjoy eating out in cities and even if we need something fast , we can pick up a big variety of prepared foods at reasonable prices. Since our town is rural, I have learned that if i want tasty food, i have to cook it myself. Which has been great because it really has forced me to learn to cook!
We used to live across from the Reston Town Center, which if anyone is familiar with the area, has become quite the metropolis. We would eat out once or twice a week on the weekends. Other than that, I cooked or DH cooked. I have taken cooking classes in various ethnic cuisines over the years. I enjoy cooking.
We used to live across from the Reston Town Center, which if anyone is familiar with the area, has become quite the metropolis. We would eat out once or twice a week on the weekends. Other than that, I cooked or DH cooked. I have taken cooking classes in various ethnic cuisines over the years. I enjoy cooking.
I love Reston Town Center! My sister lives near there and I've often gone there for the art shows and such. Great place to spend a few hours on a Sunday afternoon.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
We used to live across from the Reston Town Center, which if anyone is familiar with the area, has become quite the metropolis. We would eat out once or twice a week on the weekends. Other than that, I cooked or DH cooked. I have taken cooking classes in various ethnic cuisines over the years. I enjoy cooking.
I love Reston Town Center! My sister lives near there and I've often gone there for the art shows and such. Great place to spend a few hours on a Sunday afternoon.
It's fun to go on Saturday nights in summer and listen to the bands, too. But now they are charging for parking and the locals are irate, boycotting it. And you have to pay via an app which is confusing and doesn't always work.
We used to live in West Market condos, across from the hospital, if you're familiar with the area. We could walk to the Town Center and the bike path was right out our front door so I used to walk along that a lot.
We used to live across from the Reston Town Center, which if anyone is familiar with the area, has become quite the metropolis. We would eat out once or twice a week on the weekends. Other than that, I cooked or DH cooked. I have taken cooking classes in various ethnic cuisines over the years. I enjoy cooking.
I love Reston Town Center! My sister lives near there and I've often gone there for the art shows and such. Great place to spend a few hours on a Sunday afternoon.
It's fun to go on Saturday nights in summer and listen to the bands, too. But now they are charging for parking and the locals are irate, boycotting it. And you have to pay via an app which is confusing and doesn't always work.
We used to live in West Market condos, across from the hospital, if you're familiar with the area. We could walk to the Town Center and the bike path was right out our front door so I used to walk along that a lot.
OMG when I was going through my divorce, I was seriously considering those condos!
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
We used to live across from the Reston Town Center, which if anyone is familiar with the area, has become quite the metropolis. We would eat out once or twice a week on the weekends. Other than that, I cooked or DH cooked. I have taken cooking classes in various ethnic cuisines over the years. I enjoy cooking.
I love Reston Town Center! My sister lives near there and I've often gone there for the art shows and such. Great place to spend a few hours on a Sunday afternoon.
It's fun to go on Saturday nights in summer and listen to the bands, too. But now they are charging for parking and the locals are irate, boycotting it. And you have to pay via an app which is confusing and doesn't always work.
We used to live in West Market condos, across from the hospital, if you're familiar with the area. We could walk to the Town Center and the bike path was right out our front door so I used to walk along that a lot.
OMG when I was going through my divorce, I was seriously considering those condos!
We could have been neighbors! We lived there from 2003 through 2005 or so. Sold and moved to our forever home because of all the stairs, and I was trying to get pregnant. Ours was on the 3rd & 4th floors that looked like townhouses, on Trumbull Way.
Maybe the letter writer should start cooking for herself and eat leftovers or freeze them for later. I'm really intrigued by HelloFresh. A friend sent us a free box so we might try it.
We used to live across from the Reston Town Center, which if anyone is familiar with the area, has become quite the metropolis. We would eat out once or twice a week on the weekends. Other than that, I cooked or DH cooked. I have taken cooking classes in various ethnic cuisines over the years. I enjoy cooking.
I love Reston Town Center! My sister lives near there and I've often gone there for the art shows and such. Great place to spend a few hours on a Sunday afternoon.
It's fun to go on Saturday nights in summer and listen to the bands, too. But now they are charging for parking and the locals are irate, boycotting it. And you have to pay via an app which is confusing and doesn't always work.
We used to live in West Market condos, across from the hospital, if you're familiar with the area. We could walk to the Town Center and the bike path was right out our front door so I used to walk along that a lot.
OMG when I was going through my divorce, I was seriously considering those condos!
We could have been neighbors! We lived there from 2003 through 2005 or so. Sold and moved to our forever home because of all the stairs, and I was trying to get pregnant. Ours was on the 3rd & 4th floors that looked like townhouses, on Trumbull Way.
DD was born in 2005, had I moved prior to the birth I wouldn't have had to deal with her the ex,, but it wasn't about me. otherwise..
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
