Just out of curiosity . . . how many have revisited decisions made together by spouses, children, parents, etc. to see if it is still a viable, good decision for all involved? I find it hard to believe that decisions made a year, five, ten, twenty, forty years ago are never revisited and are held fast to the day they were made.
a few life decisions are forever, they need never be revisited--just about all the others are subject to reevaluation/change as life moves along, often in the course of adapting to changing circumstances or out of necessity
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" the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. "--edmund burke
People grow, and change. And hopefully they grow together.
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true but also for happiness to thrive certain things must stay the same--you base your life together on them, you depend on them no matter what, you are as certain of them as you are of your own name
freedom is like that and so is unconditional love--have never tried in any fashion to " change " my lady--she does not need to be anything, do anything, achieve anything to have my heart--and make damned sure she is certain of that
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" the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. "--edmund burke
DH and I didn't have some big "oh this is exactly what our life is going to look like" kind of talk. We got married to go on a journey together and to grown and change together and see where our lives would lead. We agreed we would have children "someday, probably" but certainly we never said how many children we would have whether it would be 1 or 10 or when.
As for married life, our money was our money. There were no his or her bills. It's all one pot. We make decisions together.
Now if he had said he would absolutely NEVER want to have children ever, then yes, that would have been a deal breaker. And maybe vice versa for him as well. So, if there is a definite deal breaker then ok. But, there was no way we had our lives figured out when we got married .
The simple truth is if you don't want to live up to the promises you made when you married and so decide to divorce the Family Court system takes over. I can move but if I do FH can demand that DD lives with him. Luckily we were not married long enough for him to get a hold of my retirement accounts or private savings.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
First, life is fluid. Anything can happen at any time.
It took 8 years for DH to finally move forward with actually getting married. Divorce is not really an option for either of us except in certain circumstances. Neither of us will tolerate abuse or cheating. We have been thru way too much together and it has brought us stronger together. If his exW did not tear us apart, we are good.
And while we wanted children together, we needed it to be right for both of us. By that time, we had two reasons for not going forward with it. One being DSS was in college, did we want to start over when we were finally getting settled? Second, turns out it would be very difficult for me to get pregnant, let alone carry to term. So we decided that the many nieces and nephews would be good enough. Plus our friends were starting to get grandchildren and we can borrow them anytime we want. Bonus is we get to give them back.
Sorry, not sorry, but you cannot control life to the point where every mutual decision made 20 years ago cannot come into question. How utterly self-centered and selfish can you get?
When my DH and I marred, it was with the understanding that if we had kids, I would be a SAHM. Not JUST because I want to stay at home with our child(ren), but because I was marrying someone who was in the military and his lifestyle took me away from my career.
10 years later, I COULD be selfish enough to say "nope, you promised me that I wouldn't have to work while we raised Reagan, it doesn't matter if you aren't happy with your job and feel overwhelmed being the sole provider."
That doesn't take your partner's feelings - which validly change since everyone grows/evolves - in any way or form.
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“One day, you will be old enough to start reading fairytales again.”
C.S.Lewis
We have revisited and discussed many decisions we made - where to live, whether to move home, whether we should have more children - the major things have never been an issue, and we have never changed our minds or fought over any of it. Many things have never required a discussion in the first place - they just were. Even adopting Baby J didn't require a discussion, I was talking about her and how worried I was about her 3 days after my sister died, and my DH just asked me when I was bringing her home.
But even revisiting and discussing doesn't lead to a change of mind. Especially when something was a deal breaker when they got married.
But major decisions that were discussed before we married that can't be changed now? Our children will attend church. My husband can never do drugs or become an alcoholic (I grew up with it - I won't live with it again). Some things are non-negotiable.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I knew where he stood and he knew where I stood. But things change. We were both dead set on living in Franklin. We live here. But if either of us wanted to move, we would discuss. And even though I agreed, I would totally be open to moving if that's what he wanted.
He wasn't touring when we married. And we decided that if the opportunity came up, he wouldn't. But then it DID come up. We discussed and TOGETHER decided that it worked for us. Life happens. To discount that is not something I wish to experience in my marriage.
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America guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome...
I don't think mutual decisions you made together are comparable to deal breakers that were agreed to as a condition of marriage. Talk about it once in a while to see if feelings have changed, but if they haven't, pushing the issue and making the other feel bad about it is disrespectful and not loving.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I don't think mutual decisions you made together are comparable to deal breakers that were agreed to as a condition of marriage. Talk about it once in a while to see if feelings have changed, but if they haven't, pushing the issue and making the other feel bad about it is disrespectful and not loving.
But the point is...he was feeling X when he agreed to the deal breaker, but now life, experiences, finances, outside experiences (from her side to his side) have changed his feelings to Y. SO MUCH SO, he is willing to BREAK the deal breaker because he is THAT unhappy.
Doesn't all that mean anything to you LL? Doesn't the the fact that the husband was able to fulfill your demands for 15 years matter? You would rather have your husband THAT miserable, even after giving you exactly what you wanted for 15 years? That you are that selfish?
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“One day, you will be old enough to start reading fairytales again.”
C.S.Lewis
I don't think mutual decisions you made together are comparable to deal breakers that were agreed to as a condition of marriage. Talk about it once in a while to see if feelings have changed, but if they haven't, pushing the issue and making the other feel bad about it is disrespectful and not loving.
But the point is...he was feeling X when he agreed to the deal breaker, but now life, experiences, finances, outside experiences (from her side to his side) have changed his feelings to Y. SO MUCH SO, he is willing to BREAK the deal breaker because he is THAT unhappy.
Doesn't all that mean anything to you LL? Doesn't the the fact that the husband was able to fulfill your demands for 15 years matter? You would rather have your husband THAT miserable, even after giving you exactly what you wanted for 15 years? That you are that selfish?
Well, this is not my deal breaker. I have moved for my husband, and would likely do it again, IF THERE WAS A GOOD REASON. However, loving caring about your husband does not mean uprooting everything - your home, your children, your life, your jobs, because he THINKS he'll be happier there. And NOWHERE does it say he is miserable, he is HOMESICK. He needs to grow the fvck up and be a man, not be a whiny baby. MY husband would never want to do that to his family, and I would not be able to love or respect a man that did. And I do NOT think it is selfish to not want to move somewhere you have already said you would never live because you hate it and a man that loves his wife would never ask it of her.
And, as I said above, if he's that miserable, a change of scenery is not going to change that.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
My deal breakers are drug and alcohol abuse, and refusing to take our kids to church. The first - as much as I love my husband, I'd kick his ass to the curb - it is probably the only thing that would make me divorce. And the "but he needs help, if you love him, you'd stand by him while he gets help" crap is not going to sway me or make me feel bad. You don't become an addict overnight - you make choices that get you there. But, I chose a man I don't have to worry about that with.
The second, I'd take them anyway.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I would like to move back to Cali to be closer to family but DH doesn't want to so here we are. I make the best of it. I moved here by my own choice and because of my job and the failing economy in California, so I know I am better off here anyway. My home is where DH is.
I would like to move back to Cali to be closer to family but DH doesn't want to so here we are. I make the best of it. I moved here by my own choice and because of my job and the failing economy in California, so I know I am better off here anyway. My home is where DH is.
I'm with him on that one. California is on my list of places I would never want to live.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
This is one reason I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I have no intention of staying in SC. Florida is where I want to be. I won't let some guy stand in my way.
This is one reason I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I have no intention of staying in SC. Florida is where I want to be. I won't let some guy stand in my way.
But your town made the list of most beautiful small towns in the country!
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
This is one reason I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I have no intention of staying in SC. Florida is where I want to be. I won't let some guy stand in my way.
But your town made the list of most beautiful small towns in the country!
went to school out there for a while(am a trojan at heart)--was beautiful then--would never live there the way it is now--imagine what it must have been like in the 19th century, how empty and remote--would have loved it then
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" the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. "--edmund burke
