Wife disappoints family with transcontinental birthday
By Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on Sep 11, 2017
Dear Amy: My son and daughter-in-law seem to have a lovely relationship. They are on the same page in regard to child-rearing, values, etc. However, I feel that my son shoulders more than his share of the relationship. I always thought this was a mutually accepted situation.
Recently my daughter-in-law turned 40. She chose to spend this special day with her friends in NYC (they live in LA).
My son and grandchildren were very sad about her choice.
My question: It breaks my heart to see my son hurting in this way. He's such a good person.
I want him to feel supported by us, but I don't want to stick my nose in where it isn't wanted.
My question: Should I just stay out of it or is there something constructive to say?
-- Upset Mother
Dear Upset: I'm not sure what you mean when you say that your son shoulders more than his share of the relationship, but yes, it is wisest for you to stay out of this.
You don't mention your own marital history, but in many functioning marriages, power and responsibility shifts back and forth, based on whatever life stage the couple and their children are in.
I would also say that a spouse who decides to celebrate a milestone birthday literally a continent away from her family is making an unfortunate statement about where she really wants to be (at least on that particular day), but I can also imagine many situations where that choice would be absolutely fine with everyone.
A wise parent expresses sympathy ("Oh, I'm sorry you're feeling that way..."), but not judgment ("What kind of monster would leave you and the kids..."). Unless there are clear signs of abuse or neglect, you should let your son experience this in his own way and work things out without too much involvement from you.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Not really enough info here. I mean, is she normally a devoted wife and mother? MIL says they have a "lovely" relationship, so what makes this trip "sad"?
I also wonder how the family usually treats her birthday? Maybe she never really gets a celebration on her birthday and wanted this to be different?
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
In my entire 47 years, that I can recall, I've never celebrated on my actual birthday.
There isn't enough information for me to say it is selfish.
From the tone of the letter, it seems like mom is not a fan of her DIL and probably still pulls the apron strings at times.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I went to Caribbean with 3 friends. Planned it for months. Not that any of my family throws big parties for sibs or such on milestone bdays. That is fine with me because I would rather get away from the normal.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
What's selfish about celebrating your own birthday away? I mean really? They can celebrate as a family when she gets back, but if she is usually present and involved I think it's really unfair to call her names or judge her for this decision.
I don't see the big deal. The letter doesn't include any specifics about the friends. My take: they are childhood friends that have had this trip planned since they were 10. At least, that's how it is with me. My cousin and I are the same age, born 3 months apart. Have literally been friends put whole lives. We have always talked about taking a trip together for our 40th birthdays.
Also, if my mom said she wanted to go take a trip with her friends, I'd be all for it - no matter if it was her birthday, my birthday, Washington's Birthday......my mom is a wonderful woman who is completely unselfish. She deserves a trip with her friends anytime she wants one.
Yeah, I really don't understand. It's HER birthday. It's like mother's day where people think that means mom needs to spend yet another day in doing what her family wants her to do. Who's the selfish ones?
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
