Dear Amy: My son got married about five years ago. His wife and I got off to a bad start right away. I try to be nice, but she seems to take everything I say the wrong way. She is the child of divorced parents. She overanalyzes everything, and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her.
There are many things I admire about her, but when I compliment her, she takes it as patronizing.
I have made some mistakes, such as being too involved in their wedding, but she has made mistakes, too.
I always let her poor behavior go, but she is so unforgiving. I don't know what to do, because she is married to a son with whom I have always been very close, and honestly, despite the way she treats me, I really love her. I can't sleep at night because I'm so worried about this relationship.
-- Trying
Dear Trying: I give you props for wanting to improve this relationship, and also for admitting your own role in its dysfunction.
At this point, you have nothing to lose -- and much to gain -- by owning your role, and expressing your desire for things to change.
You should contact your daughter-in-law, privately, and ask her if she would be willing to help you to "reboot" this relationship. Say that you still regret overstepping at their wedding, and that you realize this got you off on a poor footing. Tell her that she is family, that you love her, and that you hope she will learn to forgive you your own flaws, in order to move forward in friendship.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
When I first married my DH his mother REALLY didn't like me. His first wife had been such a life sucking beotch that she figured I would be the same. Once she realized how much I loved and cared for her son and grandson she came around. I always tried my best to get along with her but it wasn't until she stopped disliking me that I actually realized what a nice lady she was. In my head I knew she had to be to raise such a wonderful son but my heart was broken that she didn't like me so I saw her as an old busybody. I'm glad we could finally enjoy each others company.
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“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.” ― Julia Child ―
Can I just say, I hope I will never be the MIL that is hated by the DIL because I stuck my nose is their business? Sometimes sons are clueless and the DIL needs to take charge and set those boundaries for MIL. Just saying.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I don't believe it is always the mother in laws fault. My mother treated my sister in law like a daughter and they were pretty close until she started complaining about my brother, my mom tried to be understanding but of course it bothered her. It hit the fan the day my mom helped her put on a party for my nephew at her home and had to not only listened to my sil but also her dil's mother put my brother down in my moms own home. She had enough and said her piece. She then complained about my mom to all who would listen but left out her part.
My mother never said a word of what happened to my brother even after they divorced. It is hard for a mother to hear someone bash their son even if is by their wife. It would have been different if my brother was cheating or abusing her but it was because he wasn't rich enough.
-- Edited by Lindley on Friday 15th of September 2017 09:03:06 AM
Really? I don't hear that much "tone" in this letter. She is taking responsibility for getting this off on the wrong foot. And, there are many selfish entitled babies among some of the younger set. However, there is nothing she can do other than attempt to be polite and loving whenever she sees them. And, you don't always win people with words so more words won't necessarily help. She should just be on her best behavior. And, then if there is a opportunity to help, try to pitch in, but this can be tricky too as sometimes trying to help someone is now viewed as an "insult", so she has to be able to read the cues too.
Yes, I agree. That does sound a bit self serving. Most people do that. But, the DIL should also make some effort. However the MIL has to realize the DIL is in control of the relationship. That's life.
I think the son should tell them both from the beginning to knock it off. No way would I put up with disrespect from my parents for my husband and no way would I put up with my husband being disrespectful towards my parents.
I think the son should tell them both from the beginning to knock it off. No way would I put up with disrespect from my parents for my husband and no way would I put up with my husband being disrespectful towards my parents.
Yep, I think it's his fault, lol. Man up and deal with the issue.
