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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Carolyn - my boyfriend won't marry me b/c I won't take his name.
Lawyerlady


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Dear Carolyn - my boyfriend won't marry me b/c I won't take his name.
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Dear Carolyn:

My boyfriend has made it clear he won't marry me or anyone who doesn't want to take his last name. I'm not willing to change it and I don't want to live with my boyfriend for the rest of my life. I want to be married at some point.

I'm not sure how we move forward. Any suggestions?

-- Name Change?

You break up or you agree to change your name upon marriage or you carry on as boyfriend and girlfriend indefinitely. There's no magic here.

There is, though, the fact of a line in the sand to consider. When both of you draw your own, then it's easy -- he won't, you won't, let's call the whole thing off.

When one of you draws an arbitrary line, though, then I could argue it's even easier: Who wants to form a life partnership with someone who apparently gave serious thought to his priorities -- for your compliance, mind you -- and put you, the person, second? At best?

He chose the idea of his name over the reality of you. How lucky you both are to have this information now. The least welcome information tends to tell us the most.



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LawyerLady

 

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Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

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How old are these two? This is an immature stand-off. They are both more attached to their name than each other.  I think they are BOTH being stubborn - not just him.

If I were her, I'd call his bluff. They shouldn't be living together, anyway. Start packing, and tell him they have no future b/c of his stubborn demand. If he lets her leave, it was not going to happen, anyway, and they are both better off.

Personally, I never considered this an issue. I wanted my whole family to have the same name. And I've always been pretty independent. I never got how keeping your father's name (or your mother's) was any more empowering than taking your husband's.



-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Monday 13th of November 2017 07:44:27 AM

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LawyerLady

 

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Southern_Belle


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LW is probably young. They need to come up with a compromise or break up. Or better yet, just break up. They clearly don't already love each other enough to bend one way or the other.

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FNW


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My DH's ex-wife petitioned the court to remove DH's name and re-instate her maiden name. They were still married with no plans to divorce at the time.

DH worried that I would not want to take his last name, being that it is very similar to my first name. It is a tongue twister, but I'm proud of my DH. Proud enough to take his name.

This couple has more problems than just a name. Time to move along.

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burns07


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this situation has never occurred in our family



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Nobody Just Nobody


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I was so glad to get rid of my last name it I gladly took my husband's name. I will keep it if something happens to him or us.

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lilyofcourse


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I think it's something to seriously think about. If the woman has an established name, say a doctor or lawyer or some other business where your name is linked to you reputation in that job, I can understand keeping your name.

I wish I had taken my maiden name back when I divorced and changed my kids names to my maiden name. The only reason I kept my married name was so the 4 of us would have the same name.



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I wonder how the men would feel if THEY
had to change their name - including all
of the paperwork - driver's license, social
security, insurance, etc. etc. etc.

The custom of taking the groom's name
started waaaaaaay back when, when a
woman was "given", along with a dowery,
to the man. What if it had been the other
way around?



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karl271


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My niece insisted she kept her maiden name when she got married (this was 40 years ago) and became Harriet Snowden-Smyth. I never understood why she did this. All the children (3 of them) just got by Jane Smyth without the Snowden part. Even today I cannot understand what the advantage or benefit it was to her to keep her maiden name. But this was never a problem for her husband, he just said OK and away they went.

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FNW


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I use my maiden name on FB so that my high school friends know who the heck I am. But that's the only time.

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Ohfour


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I use my maiden name as my middle name. A lot of people call me by my first and middle (maiden) name. Like Betty Lou.

It seems to be a southern thing though. More women than not drop their middle name and take on their maiden as the middle.

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Southern_Belle


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If I ever remarried I would drop my current name since it belonged to my ex. I would probably go to maiden and use new one as well. Maybe.

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Lindley


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My dd kept her maiden name and added her husbands name too. She goes by her husbands name

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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"I'm not willing to change it and I don't want to live with my boyfriend for the rest of my life."

Huh? She doesn't want to change her name? But doesn't want to live with her boyfriend and wants to be married but won't change her name? This woman is a flake.

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