I'm wondering how to make amends with a neighbor who's aloof and distant. She moved in four years ago. Soon afterward there was a misunderstanding about my friend parking in front of her driveway and she was unnecessarily harsh about it, especially since I was seven months' pregnant at the time. It really upset me, and my husband went over to tell her off, but it didn't go well. He ended up reporting her big vicious dog to a friend in animal control. Animal control reported back that she and the dog were both ex-military and the dog was trained and under control so no lasting trouble came of it. After that most of the neighbors took my side and avoided her.
Eventually it all blew over since she is quiet, keeps her house in good shape and even takes care of the elderly woman next door, mowing the lawn and shoveling snow for her. Also the dog goes everywhere with her and does seem very well-behaved. But somehow we never really started speaking again.
I have invited her to the block parties and the neighborhood Christmas party that I organize, but she never shows up.
Last week I was working in my garden and saw her come home from what was obviously a funeral and she looked so sad I wanted to offer my condolences but wasn't sure it would be welcome. I haven't seen her boyfriend since then and I'm worried he died and none of us neighbors even knew. We're a close-knit, supportive group on this street but she's missing out. I want to fix this but don't know how. What can I try that I haven't already done?
-- Trying to Befriend My Neighbor
Oh you've done plenty.
You made her the bad guy when your friend blocked her driveway, yes? You sicced your temper-challenged spouse on her, who then reported her dog as "vicious" with zero facts and an abundance of spite; you turned the entire neighborhood against her; you made no attempts to apologize even as four years of accrued evidence of her fundamental decency towered over her original offense of being "unnecessarily harsh" - about your friend's screw-up; you did no 2-plus-2 on the possibility that her past service and relocation might (equal sign) a recent separation from the military and the stress that entails, which might explain a onetime "harsh" response to a careless neighbor; you had the high nerve to describe her as "aloof and distant" and "missing out" on your "close-knit, supportive" neighborhood when her being thus traces directly to the self-righteous shunning you subjected her to.
Invitations to the block party? As anyone's idea of a gosh-I've-tried-everything answer to four years of your neighborhood's idea of inclusion?
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Well how was LW to know the neighbor was ex military the first encounter? It's not like it's tattooed on their foreheads, and perhaps it was an over the top reaction to having a driveway blocked.
But, yeah, there should have been an apology a long time ago.
From both sides.
There are two wrongs here, one bigger than the other, but still two wrongs.
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