I've lost my "give a fvcks". I'm so over everyone's drama IN DH's family.
My SIL asked me if we wanted to take part in the Christmas exchange with the kids and I told her I honestly didn't care - the kids have enough so it doesn't matter. Honestly, it's gotten stupid - the kids are older and only ever ask for gift cards, and that is just not any fun since they are just mailed anyway, what is the point of basically exchanging money in an envelope? But, she didn't respond at all so she's probably pissed off.
DH's family have been sending all Christmas emails and responses to my old email, and they get an auto-reply with my new email and a message that says I'm not checking this one - but they still haven't sent it to my new email. My DH got it and told me to check the old email. It was a Christmas list from my MIL with almost nothing but gift cards on it and telling people what NOT to buy. I find that soooo rude; It sends the message that if you bought that for her before, she didn't like it. I happily accepted lighthouses for YEARS b/c she thought I liked them.
DH's sister suggested going in and buying MIL a new dishwasher for Christmas - hers is old and sucks. Then the emails flew back and forth (on my old email) about whether to give her gift cards and to where, to give her cash, and how much cash, and whether we should buy it and have it installed as a surprise while she's down here for Christmas. Estimate is $500 to buy and install. My other SIL said that's too much, her budget is only $100 total, and that would be more, and besides, THEY DO NOT HAVE TIME TO HAVE A DISHWASHER INSTALLED (b/c they live only 10 minutes away). Then she says, just give money towards it, and then her DH will take MIL shopping for the dishwasher and she can get what she wants according to her budget. Sooooo, they have time to go shopping for a dishwasher instead of being there when the install happens. She's just being a bitch b/c she'd have to be there for the install most likely b/c she's a SAHM and Lord knows her traveling husband has more time than she does to get things done. She's bitter b/c they live closest and usually have to help out with house stuff. Mind you - that didn't bother her when she was getting all the free babysitting from MIL whenever she wanted. Now her kids are older and she doesn't need that help, she has pretty much written off MIL and is resentful of those of us who live far away. Even though we fly there when we can, which requires time off work and money, so it can't be all that often.
BTW, MIL did not ask for a dishwasher.
DH finally got fed up and just said we already had our own plans for her for Christmas and we're not doing the dishwasher. Now, I'm sure they will all be pissed about that.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
"It's nice you will be entertaining mom.But how about all the times we do or others when she visits. Unfortunately we always have a Christmas budget and entertainment is separate. Would be nice if you could chip in but we understand.
Mike that's a good idea let's make it a done deal chip in via check or cash! will help her pick it out when she gets back."
Mind you - she JUST emailed that the dishwasher was over their budget.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
DH said his sister (the one who stayed with us at the beach this summer) wanted to get together and see the boys Thanksgiving weekend. I suggested he invite her down for Thanksgiving so he did. She wrote him back today and said she's having Thanksgiving with their father and wanted to drive down Friday and go in to the city (DC) and see the American History Museum because she hasn't seen it since it reopened (didn't know it was closed but what do I know) but wasn't sure if the boys would enjoy that. Ugh. I have no intention of dragging the boys down to DC Thanksgiving weekend on black Friday or Saturday and they certainly would not be interested in the museum since they were just there with their classes. She can come down for a visit, help me decorate the trees for Christmas, and play Nerf Wars in the front yard with the boys. LOL
Reason #5734 it's not so bad being single during the holidays.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
"It's nice you will be entertaining mom.But how about all the times we do or others when she visits. Unfortunately we always have a Christmas budget and entertainment is separate. Would be nice if you could chip in but we understand.
Mike that's a good idea let's make it a done deal chip in via check or cash! will help her pick it out when she gets back."
Mind you - she JUST emailed that the dishwasher was over their budget.
WTF?
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
DH said his sister (the one who stayed with us at the beach this summer) wanted to get together and see the boys Thanksgiving weekend. I suggested he invite her down for Thanksgiving so he did. She wrote him back today and said she's having Thanksgiving with their father and wanted to drive down Friday and go in to the city (DC) and see the American History Museum because she hasn't seen it since it reopened (didn't know it was closed but what do I know) but wasn't sure if the boys would enjoy that. Ugh. I have no intention of dragging the boys down to DC Thanksgiving weekend on black Friday or Saturday and they certainly would not be interested in the museum since they were just there with their classes. She can come down for a visit, help me decorate the trees for Christmas, and play Nerf Wars in the front yard with the boys. LOL
Reason #4234.
Just tell her what you plan on doing and tell her you are happy to have her join you.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
And apparently, she sent separate private emails to DH, yelling at him b/c he doesn't do enough, and it too much falls on them.
OK - I realize she does more, but I do not appreciate her making MIL out to be some huge burden b/c she needs help changing her light bulbs once in a while or needs a ride to the doctor b/c of her shoulder replacement surgery. It's not like she's an invalid that needs her bed pans changed. Her husband died less than a year ago and she's lonely - be nice to the old lady. We've flown there to spend time with her, we're having her here for Christmas. We would like her to move here and have asked her to many times. Maybe if SIL just told her what a horrible burden she is, she'd take that suggestion more seriously. Geesh.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
Oh, that sucks, LL. The burden for carrying for an elderly person usually falls on the person who lives the closest. What does she expect you to do? Sheesh.
IKWTDS, that is exactly what we are going to tell her. We have plans to attend the parade Friday so if she's not here by then, we should be back soon. We'll all be pretty wiped out from cooking the T-dinner and would like to relax and decorate for Christmas. She's welcomed to come and lend her artistic hand, and I'm sure the boys would love someone new to play Nerf Wars with.
And apparently, she sent separate private emails to DH, yelling at him b/c he doesn't do enough, and it too much falls on them.
OK - I realize she does more, but I do not appreciate her making MIL out to be some huge burden b/c she needs help changing her light bulbs once in a while or needs a ride to the doctor b/c of her shoulder replacement surgery. It's not like she's an invalid that needs her bed pans changed. Her husband died less than a year ago and she's lonely - be nice to the old lady. We've flown there to spend time with her, we're having her here for Christmas. We would like her to move here and have asked her to many times. Maybe if SIL just told her what a horrible burden she is, she'd take that suggestion more seriously. Geesh.
Tell SIL that and send her your CC statements of the numerous airline tix and costs for you stays. Let her know you will gladly split the costs with her of her "expenses" when she splits your costs with you.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Oh, that sucks, LL. The burden for carrying for an elderly person usually falls on the person who lives the closest. What does she expect you to do? Sheesh.
IKWTDS, that is exactly what we are going to tell her. We have plans to attend the parade Friday so if she's not here by then, we should be back soon. We'll all be pretty wiped out from cooking the T-dinner and would like to relax and decorate for Christmas. She's welcomed to come and lend her artistic hand, and I'm sure the boys would love someone new to play Nerf Wars with.
Nerf wars are a blast! The 'hood kids here come here several evenings a year to play.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Our gardener came today and blew all the leaves into a long pile in front of our house (which they will remove later) and the boys pondered how many nerf bullets were in that pile. LOL
Our gardener came today and blew all the leaves into a long pile in front of our house (which they will remove later) and the boys pondered how many nerf bullets were in that pile. LOL
OMG I find all the time in the lawn and downstairs in the finished part of the basement. i have to say I giggle every time I find one just knowing how much fun the kids had!
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
My boys would have been going through it to find those nerf bullets!
LL, there is more to this with your SIL. Could she be feeling envy?
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Believe me, it took both arms to hold the boys back, lily!
Yes, I found one in the dryer today and it made me laugh.
I'd let them.
I'm still finding Legos in the craziest places.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Just walk away. By that i mean, just do your own thing. Send gifts or cards or money or whatever to whomever you wish or not. Don't get involved in any group gifts. Just say, no thanks, we already got her something, blah, blah. As for gifts, just send money and be done and leave it be
My sis and I used to exchange gifts but we got where we were sending each other gift cards and that just seemed silly. Now, we don't.
So DH wrote his sis back and said no to going downtown and if she decides to come down, be prepared to engage in Nerf Wars. We'll see if she decides to come now.
My boys would have been going through it to find those nerf bullets!
LL, there is more to this with your SIL. Could she be feeling envy?
She is resentful that everyone else lives so far away, so anything MIL needs help with - they are the ones that have to do it. And she's pissed off because after FIL died, they asked me to do something I didn't agree with ethically, and I told them no - if they wanted to do that, they would have to do it themselves. She completely ignored the reason why I said no and just took it as me refusing to help when he was already helping with so much.
After FIL died, BIL did help a lot - MIL had to learn to pay her own bills, etc. But, they tended to be more controlling about it than necessary. My MIL is not stupid, she knows how to write a check.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
My mother resented her two sisters, too, when care for their aging parents fell on her. She knew it was wrong, but she could not help the way she felt. It did not ruin her relationship with her sisters, however. Even though she maintains a good relationship with her little sister (older sister has passed away), if she thinks about it, she can still get worked up over it. But she keeps it to herself and out of her mind to keep the peace.
I think these situations, helping elderly parents, is hard on everyone, and everyone feels they are doing more than anyone else. Resentment builds because each person feels the other, no matter what, is just not doing enough or not doing it "the right way".
I can say, that while my parents are not needing help yet, I live with them, and it can piss me right off when my brother starts trying to tell me what I need to do where they are concerned. I'm here, in the thick of it, eventually, I'll be the one doing the lion's share of the caregiving, and he'll be the one in another state telling me how much he does during his visits.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
LL, I am just now reading this thread. Wow, what a bitch your SIL has become. Or was she always this way?
The care of my dear MIL fell to me for over 20 years. I would gladly do it all again.
It breaks my heart that your SIL has become so callous and resentful of her husband's mother. Especially since she did so much for them while their children were small.
My own mother now lives 3 blocks from my sister. All of us are thrilled and we each made the offer to have mom with us, so we are happy she finally made a choice.
I have a hard time understanding so much resentment. I would go on, but it hurts. :(
-- Edited by just Czech on Wednesday 15th of November 2017 07:12:03 PM
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