My husband's cousin died and his funeral is tomorrow. I barely knew him, but I adore his mom, DH's Aunt (who I haven't seen in several years). DH and this cousin were kinda close growing up but haven't seen each other in 10 years with the exception of one family wedding they were both at.
I don't want to go to the funeral. DH is deployed and if he was home I know he would go and I probably would have gone with him, but I don't want to go alone- or alone with a three year old, who I will have to bring with me. Funerals are really uncomfortable as it is, but it's DH's family member, who I don't know, while keeping my three year old quiet, seeing people I haven't seen in a long time-again, who I don't know very well. I feel like I need to go represent our family since DH can't, but I really would like to hear it's fine if I don't. Or not, I can suck it up and deal too. I'm sending flowers either way.
My husband's cousin died and his funeral is tomorrow. I barely knew him, but I adore his mom, DH's Aunt (who I haven't seen in several years). DH and this cousin were kinda close growing up but haven't seen each other in 10 years with the exception of one family wedding they were both at.
I don't want to go to the funeral. DH is deployed and if he was home I know he would go and I probably would have gone with him, but I don't want to go alone- or alone with a three year old, who I will have to bring with me. Funerals are really uncomfortable as it is, but it's DH's family member, who I don't know, while keeping my three year old quiet, seeing people I haven't seen in a long time-again, who I don't know very well. I feel like I need to go represent our family since DH can't, but I really would like to hear it's fine if I don't. Or not, I can suck it up and deal too. I'm sending flowers either way.
No obligation. But call your Aunt and chat with her, let her know that bringing a 3YO is not a good idea. Express your sympathy and how you are upset you couldn't be there to support her.
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My husband's cousin died and his funeral is tomorrow. I barely knew him, but I adore his mom, DH's Aunt (who I haven't seen in several years). DH and this cousin were kinda close growing up but haven't seen each other in 10 years with the exception of one family wedding they were both at.
I don't want to go to the funeral. DH is deployed and if he was home I know he would go and I probably would have gone with him, but I don't want to go alone- or alone with a three year old, who I will have to bring with me. Funerals are really uncomfortable as it is, but it's DH's family member, who I don't know, while keeping my three year old quiet, seeing people I haven't seen in a long time-again, who I don't know very well. I feel like I need to go represent our family since DH can't, but I really would like to hear it's fine if I don't. Or not, I can suck it up and deal too. I'm sending flowers either way.
No obligation. But call your Aunt and chat with her, let her know that bringing a 3YO is not a good idea. Express your sympathy and how you are upset you couldn't be there to support her.
Since you adore the Aunt and it's her son, I think you should go. However, i would not take a small child. Can someone babysit for a brief time? If you can even stop in to the viewing for 15 min, hug her and say your condolences, that will be greatly appreciated.
Nobody wants to go to funerals. There's no "obligation". Nobody can make someone go. However, funerals in my opinion are for the bereaved family. And, that is why people should go.
Think of it like this. If you dont' go and later see your Aunt. How will you feel? Yes, it might be inconvenient and uncomfortable. And, you don't need to stay long. But, you will know that you did the right and caring thing. Just my opinion.
Since you adore the Aunt and it's her son, I think you should go. However, i would not take a small child. Can someone babysit for a brief time? If you can even stop in to the viewing for 15 min, hug her and say your condolences, that will be greatly appreciated.
No, I did ask around for someone to watch her- but it's short notice on a Tuesday morning. She is pretty well behaved, if I only stop in for a few minutes I think I could bring her, but not sure I'd want her at a viewing, not sure how she would handle that
Yes, a viewing would be too much for a young child. Could you stop at the home and then just let your Aunt or the family know you are there? There are usually other grieving rooms where people gather. You could express your condolences there without taking your child in.
Since you adore the Aunt and it's her son, I think you should go. However, i would not take a small child. Can someone babysit for a brief time? If you can even stop in to the viewing for 15 min, hug her and say your condolences, that will be greatly appreciated.
No, I did ask around for someone to watch her- but it's short notice on a Tuesday morning. She is pretty well behaved, if I only stop in for a few minutes I think I could bring her, but not sure I'd want her at a viewing, not sure how she would handle that
My parents took us to viewing at a very young age. I do not remember not seeing a body. It was never taboo. And we were never scared or afraid. My kids were exposed early. Death is part of life. I never hid that from my kids...neither did my parents. And I am thankful for that.
-- Edited by Ohfour on Monday 11th of December 2017 09:00:08 PM
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Maybe you can bring over a casserole or pie to her house. That way you can give her your condolences in person that isn't a funeral home and she would appreciate the food item since they will be to exhausted to cook and will most likely have other family members there.
I know I really appreciated that when a loved one passed.
I think you should go, even if it's only for a few minutes to pay your respects to those who loved your DH's cousin. I see nothing wrong with taking your three year old with you. She won't remember a thing about it. These things are a natural part of life and exposing young children to it is a good thing.
I decided not to go. My life is a little overwhelming right now and I think stress is causing some weird anxiety. I'm going to call my Aunt and either take her to lunch or bring her a meal later this week.
Can you do both? I mean, take her out
to lunch, and bring over a couple of fully
prepared meals? Right now, her refrigerator
is probably full of casseroles. Bring over a
selection of meals for one, two, or three
people. That takes care of this week.
NEXT week, call and see if she would like
to go out, or just stay home and visit with
you. That takes care of next week.
The week of Christmas, make sure you
call and see if she would like you to visit.
It's the second and third weeks after a
death that are the hardest.
Can you do both? I mean, take her out to lunch, and bring over a couple of fully prepared meals? Right now, her refrigerator is probably full of casseroles. Bring over a selection of meals for one, two, or three people. That takes care of this week.
NEXT week, call and see if she would like to go out, or just stay home and visit with you. That takes care of next week.
The week of Christmas, make sure you call and see if she would like you to visit. It's the second and third weeks after a death that are the hardest.
People tend to call and visit right after a death, but then a month from now, she's going to be alone a lot. Whatever you do now, make sure to follow up in a month or so.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I love to send Virginia hams. They are well-received.
Personally, I would have gone. People want funerals of their loved ones to be filled with people. I dread the day when my parents go because I know there won't be anyone at the funeral as our family is out West. It makes it that much more sad to not have people around to mourn with.
A 3 year old is not going to be traumatized or even understand what is happening. You tell them so and so died, we are going to visit with the family for a bit, and leave it at that. They really won't understand the finality of it (death) at that age. Nor will they remember it next week.
People tend to call and visit right after a death, but then a month from now, she's going to be alone a lot. Whatever you do now, make sure to follow up in a month or so.
This is a good point, well after the funeral people forget, so a follow up would be well received
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