Dear Amy: I have been friends with three women since we were 13 years old. We are all nearing 50 now.
It has always been tradition for us to get together for birthdays and Christmas, and we give gifts to one another for those occasions.
In the past few years, it has been hard for me to afford the gift-giving. I’m working multiple jobs, but I am barely keeping up with my bills.
I have told them how difficult it is for me, year after year, but all they tell me is not to worry about giving anything. That doesn’t make me feel better. I feel very guilty. I would never feel right about attending one of our get-togethers empty-handed.
I won’t be buying gifts for anyone in my family this year. I love these ladies and enjoy their company when we get together, but I’m resenting my obligation to buy gifts for them when we make time to see each other only for these “gift grab” occasions.
Should I continue to cave and follow the age-old pattern of giving gifts to them when I really can’t afford it?
Feeling Hopelessly Scroogey
Feeling Hopelessly Scroogey: You are sounding very resentful over this pattern, and yet you also report that when you have brought up your situation, all of these women tell you not to worry about bringing a gift.
Your inability to drop your feeling of being obligated seems more like a refusal at this point.
These get-togethers do not sound like a “gift grab” to me, and it is unkind of you to refer to these celebrations that way.
In my family of (many) women, we have gradually stopped giving gifts for these occasions and exchange cards instead. This practice started gradually, and now is a treasured aspect of our birthday lunches. The person being honored goes home with a stack of cards — some homemade, and some from the drugstore rack — and it is awesome.
It is time for you to be brave enough to trust these lifelong friends. What they are telling you is that your friendship is the gift they want to receive. If you give a card, it might inspire your friends to also make a transition away from material giving, but it is important that you respect their choices, too, and receive their generosity with grace and gratitude.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I agree with Amy. And she is wanting them all to stop something they enjoy. That's not right, either. They have told her she doesn't have to give them anything, and if she feels she must, it could be something small like pretty soaps, or homemade cookies. But this is HER issue, not theirs.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I agree with Amy. And she is wanting them all to stop something they enjoy. That's not right, either. They have told her she doesn't have to give them anything, and if she feels she must, it could be something small like pretty soaps, or homemade cookies. But this is HER issue, not theirs.
I agree. When reading the OP I immediately thought of baked goods or perhaps a craft that LW might do as a hobby. I think LW may be a tad down on herself.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
