Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend, “Cleo,” is allergic to seafood. She does not carry an EpiPen because “it’s not that type of reaction,” but she always asks lots of questions about ingredients and preparation. My mom finds the questions insulting and believed Cleo was making up the allergy.
Recently at my family barbecue, Cleo did her usual questioning before eating. Maybe 30 minutes later she started complaining that her face itched. She took Benadryl but she turned red, and her eyes began swelling. We had to go to the emergency room for a cortisone shot. As we’re getting in the car, my mom confessed she fried the fish and chicken in the same oil and lied when Cleo asked. She admitted she planned to prove Cleo’s allergy was fake.
My mom apologized and is paying the emergency room bill. Even so, Cleo called my mom a monster and wants nothing to do with her. She also broke up with me, saying I shouldn’t have to choose between her and Mom. She won’t consider a compromise like eating before visits.
Is there any way to get past my anger at my mom and get Cleo back?
- My Mom Poisoned My Girlfriend
WOW.
Wow. No, there’s no “compromise” like “eating before visits.” Would you ever agree to that yourself, seriously? Food is social sustenance as well, and not something one sidelines because one’s boyfriend’s mom’s ego insisted she commit assault.
Or, put another way, would you ever consider yourself so awesome a catch that someone would make such a huge sacrifice just to be with you?
I’m not singling you out as unworthy of love by saying this. I think we all have a blind spot (the sizes of which vary) when it comes to the sacrifices we ask of those who choose to be with us. Whether it’s “deal with my morning snappiness” or “don’t judge me for my lack of ambition” or whatever else, we all have deficits that compromise whatever great qualities we offer.
Your mother’s jaw-dropping act of smugness and hostility made her one of your significant deficits — grounds for Cleo to seek companionship elsewhere. Your ridiculous suggestion that she eat solo in advance of group meals adds another.
Please accept Cleo’s decision as a sound one, as in, accept that her potential sacrifices are too great under the circumstances to warrant her staying with you.
As for how you get over your anger at your mom, I can only say, watch and wait: See if she actually gets it.
-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Monday 5th of March 2018 10:59:58 AM
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
Oh my goodness! What a horrible thing his mother did to his poor girlfriend. My DIL is gluten intolerant and I make sure that I have gluten free food for her to eat.
When it was believed that my boys were allergic to chocolate, and that the resulting reflux might be the culprit behind repeated bouts of pneumonia, my Step MIL would go to the Easter buffet and get a huge serving platter and stock it up with every piece of chocolate pie, cake, candy, brownies, etc., she could get her hands on, bring it back to the table, and proceed to stuff her face in front of the boys, taunting them with comments like, "Oh, this is sooooooooooooooo gooodddddddddd....I can eat all the chocolate I want..I'm not allergic."
When it was believed that my boys were allergic to chocolate, and that the resulting reflux might be the culprit behind repeated bouts of pneumonia, my Step MIL would go to the Easter buffet and get a huge serving platter and stock it up with every piece of chocolate pie, cake, candy, brownies, etc., she could get her hands on, bring it back to the table, and proceed to stuff her face in front of the boys, taunting them with comments like, "Oh, this is sooooooooooooooo gooodddddddddd....I can eat all the chocolate I want..I'm not allergic."
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
It's over so no you aren't going to get her back. If she needed to go to the ER for a steroid shot, then she does have "that kind of allergy" and should be carrying an epi pen. Her mom did apologize and offered to pay the ER bill so maybe she had a realization after that. Some people just dont' understand food allergies and maybe now she does. And, not everyone is educated. She truly may not have realized that you couldn't fry them both in the same oil. Some people simply just don't understand that.
And, an adult with allergies is responsible for their own diet. My son was diagnosed with celiac's when he was about 8. I didn't expect anyone to change the menu for him. If he went to a party, i sent food with him to eat and he knew very well that he could not eat cake or pizza but i didnt' expect others to not eat that. I told him that this was his issue to deal with and others don't have to change their diets for him. But, remember, others have their own things to deal with too that he doesn't as well.
So, the fact that she won't take any charge of her own diet and perhaps bring her own food and expect momma to know her all of her issues and plan her menu around someone she doens't even know that well seems to be expecting a lot of someone she might not know that well yet.
It's over so no you aren't going to get her back. If she needed to go to the ER for a steroid shot, then she does have "that kind of allergy" and should be carrying an epi pen. Her mom did apologize and offered to pay the ER bill so maybe she had a realization after that. Some people just dont' understand food allergies and maybe now she does. And, not everyone is educated. She truly may not have realized that you couldn't fry them both in the same oil. Some people simply just don't understand that.
And, an adult with allergies is responsible for their own diet. My son was diagnosed with celiac's when he was about 8. I didn't expect anyone to change the menu for him. If he went to a party, i sent food with him to eat and he knew very well that he could not eat cake or pizza but i didnt' expect others to not eat that. I told him that this was his issue to deal with and others don't have to change their diets for him. But, remember, others have their own things to deal with too that he doesn't as well.
So, the fact that she won't take any charge of her own diet and perhaps bring her own food and expect momma to know her all of her issues and plan her menu around someone she doens't even know that well seems to be expecting a lot of someone she might not know that well yet.
I'm sorry - but you are putting too much on the girl. Eating chicken should be safe, especially in a house where they know you are allergic to fish. And fish is not a staple - it's not like it's eggs or milk, for heaven's sake.
She DID take care to ask if there was any fish in the food. And the woman had already been told.
I have a friend that's allergic to mushrooms. When I make food she might be eating - I don't add mushrooms. They do the same for me - they make the chicken salad without apples. Because it's a basic courtesy.
And PURPOSELY feeding someone a food they have told you they are allergic to without their knowledge is wholly unacceptable, stupid, mean and dangerous.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
I just said people are STUPID. She might not have known she couldn't use the same oil. And if there was fried fish and fried chicken, I would think a light bulb would click on. You are assuming that most people have a reasonable IQ, but they don't.
"She admitted she planned to prove Cleo’s
allergy was fake."
So she absolutely knew that Cleo was allergic,
and deliberately served her food that would
cause great harm, and possibly death. Yeah,
if Cleo wanted to, she would have an excellent
case of assault. Fortunately, she removed
herself from this toxic situation.
I just said people are STUPID. She might not have known she couldn't use the same oil. And if there was fried fish and fried chicken, I would think a light bulb would click on. You are assuming that most people have a reasonable IQ, but they don't.
Except she admitted she did it on purpose to prove the girl was lying about her allergy. So, no - it was stupidity, it was malicious.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
His mother admitted to doing it on purpose. What's not to say when she gets mad she will "forget" and do it again? I knew a guy who had a gf who had a peanut allergy. All of a sudden his mother started using peanut oil and putting peanuts/peanut butter in foods or making foods that used that. Once they broke up, his mother stopped using peanut oil and peanut products.
