Okay, so......my cousin's daughter who lives in my area is getting married in November. A while back she called my mother to ask her for her address for her wedding invitations. She did not all me, so I assumed we were not invited. No big deal, we are like third cousins and I understand the need to draw the line somewhere.
Well, today I got an invitation. The boys were so excited, (they met her and remember her) until I realized it was addressed only to DH & me. #1 said, "oh" and he left the room. #2 asked if they were invited and I said it doesn't appear so. Later I saw a printed out note card included in the invitation that gave travel information (to those who are coming from Cali). Included in the information was a note that due to seating limitations, children under 16 were not invited.
I get the need to restrict, I really do, but I don't want to go without the boys. If they were younger, they would not care and would not have their feelings hurt. But they are not young, they are old enough to be hurt to be excluded from a family event.
I am looking for some way to let my cousin know the truth as to why I will not be attending her wedding. Or would a simple "decline" box checked without an explanation be better.
For what it's worth, her wedding party has 22 people in it, including a flower girl (presumably under the age of 16) so I honestly don't think she's worried about space.
IF it were me, I'd be up front and honest. By just checking the box, she'll assume you have something else going on that day. People need to remember kids are part of families too! It's not fair to them to be excluded. When I was a kid, we were ALL invited to weddings, etc. It infuriates me that kids are excluded now-a-days.
You could let her know why you're declining as she might wonder. Maybe she'll reconsider.
However, it might also be a good life lesson for the boys. They're not going to be invited to every event every time even if it's a family event. Your not wanting to go without them shows them that you have considered their feelings and are choosing to side with them and that's ok. Take them out and have a family night on the night of the wedding.
-- Edited by chef on Thursday 9th of August 2018 09:32:14 PM
I like chef's advice. People have the right to set boundaries and it doesn't sound as if she were rude about it. Stay home if you must, it probably won't hurt her feelings if she knows you have kids.
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Was it a bad day?
Or was it a bad five minutes that you milked all day?
I like chef's advice. People have the right to set boundaries and it doesn't sound as if she were rude about it. Stay home if you must, it probably won't hurt her feelings if she knows you have kids.
A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
I like chef's advice. People have the right to set boundaries and it doesn't sound as if she were rude about it. Stay home if you must, it probably won't hurt her feelings if she knows you have kids.
I agree with this. No need to tell her why you are not going. Although, maybe the boys should learn and accept that not all weddings include kids as invitees. Growing up, the kids in the family didn't go to weddings until we were 16 or so.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Do you want to go to the wedding with just your DH? I mean, if she lives in the area and it's not that big of a deal to get a sitter, why not go? I mean, yeah, to me a wedding should be full of family, including kids, but not everyone gets that. If she is young, maybe she doesn't get that yet and just wants the "perfect" day, or maybe it's a cost issue or who knows? So, it's one day and nothing wrong with your kids staying home and understanding you guys are going to an adults event. Honestly, not sure that boys are going to be all that bothered to not go to a wedding or sit through that anyway!
On the other hand, if you don't want to go, then just decline. Your choice really.
I really preferred our entire family go to the wedding. We will ask SIL if she can come down and stay with the boys. My parents are going to the wedding, but my father has offered to stay home with them if we wanted to go. I really don't want to do that, since it's his side of the family. I don't expect many of our relatives to be there, aside from perhaps her father. Her parents divorced and her mother moved her to Virginia where she went to HS and college. I would be surprised of any of her aunts/uncles and cousins flew out here, but it would be nice.
The wedding is at the Torpedo Factory which overlooks the Potomac River. It's a lovely venue and should be a nice wedding. I know her fiance has a rather large wedding, and her aunt has told us that he seems to be in control of the guest list. There was a hint that he is a bit controlling, and in that regard, she will need support from her family. I hope the rumors are false, but I would like to check him out myself as I have had experience with that type.
The Torpedo Factory! I know it well. My old stomping grounds when I traveled to DC on bus for 10 years. Always stayed at the Sheraton on King St at least twice a month. You have to go.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I worked in Alexandria (the Courthouse which was in the middle of nowhere when I started but now is surrounded by so much!) for about 6 years. I love the Christmas Shoppe!
If SIL can come down, we'll go. Otherwise, we won't. DH isn't sure she can come down because he thinks her Christmas boutique is this year and it's usually right around that time. (She makes crafts all year long and decorates her barn office inside and sells everything.) So we'll see what she says. The wedding isn't until November so there is time.
I worked in Alexandria (the Courthouse which was in the middle of nowhere when I started but now is surrounded by so much!) for about 6 years. I love the Christmas Shoppe!
I was down there when the Dragon Lady was on trial at that courthouse. Do you know who Dragon Lady is?
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Looked her up. The acquisition officer for the Air Force? I didn't start working in acquisitions until 2007. But while at USAO, I was on a team that investigated procurement fraud from a civil standpoint.
Looked her up. The acquisition officer for the Air Force? I didn't start working in acquisitions until 2007. But while at USAO, I was on a team that investigated procurement fraud from a civil standpoint.
Yep! She used to give me such a hard time about my cost estimates relating to defense contractors other than the one that brought her down. It was poetic justice. She actually cried in court.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Wow. I'm sorry I missed that one. Looks like it was while I was there. I was busy watching Moussaoui (sp?) that hers slipped under my radar. Can't say I worked on that one. I was moved from ACE (affirmative civil enforcement) to defense around 2003 I believe. That would have been an interesting one!
Wow. I'm sorry I missed that one. Looks like it was while I was there. I was busy watching Moussaoui (sp?) that hers slipped under my radar. Can't say I worked on that one. I was moved from ACE (affirmative civil enforcement) to defense around 2003 I believe. That would have been an interesting one!
Most of us in the Acq Community knew she favored a certain company but figured she was too high up to be busted. I wonder who she PO'd to have been investigated?
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
Someone probably wanting the job she got for her daughter or SIL most likely.
Maybe. It amazes me those that actually are brought to trial on charges and those who are given a pass. It is all about favoritism until you PO one person off. And why Trump was elected.
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Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.
I like chef's advice. People have the right to set boundaries and it doesn't sound as if she were rude about it. Stay home if you must, it probably won't hurt her feelings if she knows you have kids.
I agree with this. No need to tell her why you are not going. Although, maybe the boys should learn and accept that not all weddings include kids as invitees. Growing up, the kids in the family didn't go to weddings until we were 16 or so.
I agree, too. For my wedding, the venue was extremely limited - we could have 125 butts, period. It was either the kids, or cut out half the aunts and uncles. The choice was easy. And the family took all the kids to one house, and the older teens watched the younger kids, they had pizza, games, etc. It was fine.
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LawyerLady
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
FNW ~
How old are the boys? Do they
ever stay at home by themselves?
I think they should understand
that Mom and Dad have adult
interests, and not all parties are
appropriate for them to attend.
Sure, they know and like the
Bride-to-be, but she has to set
limits.
By all means, go and enjoy the
wedding, and maybe bring back
a slice of wedding cake for the
boys.
They are 10 and stay home alone an hour or so here and there, but not at night. We're leaning towards going, and my parents have offered to forego the wedding so that we can go instead as the Father of the Bride is my generation and we are closer than he is with my parents, if that makes sense. His father, the bride's "papa", passed away a year or so ago. If he were still alive, my parents would be going because he and my father were very close.
FNW ~
Then this might be an excellent time to let
the boys know how much you trust them,
and let them stay alone while you and DH
go to the wedding.
Let them know that you and DH will be going
to an "adult only" affair, and that they will be
alone for a couple of hours.
Accept the offer of your SIL to stay with the
boys - make it possible for her to take the
boys to a really fun place while you and DH
are at the wedding - Chuckee-Cheese, or
Sea World, or something like that. And then
go with DH and have a wonderful time at the
wedding. You and DH will have to be at parties
in the future that do not include your children,
and this is an excellent time to let them know
that while they are the most important people
in your world, they are not the ONLY people in
your world.
Wouldn't you rather have them stay alone for
a couple of hours, or with a "babysitter", for a
happy reason, than to have to stay alone for
you to attend a sad occasion like a family funeral?
I don't see any fault for the bride to not include
children, even if she has included young flower
girls in her wedding party. You have to set
boundaries at some point, especially if the
boundaries include paying full price for young
children to the caterer.
I don't think you should feel insulted that the kids weren't invited. Some people just want an adults only kind of wedding. Doesn't sound as fun to me, I guess they want that. So, just go and have a good time.
My sister n law and I went to a wedding and the kids were all over the place during the ceremony and the parents did nothing, on the way home it was decided that at both our daughters wedding we will have a nursery available.
One wedding a couple with two kids were ignoring their two kids and they were totally obnoxious and was so bad that my mother in law got up and took them out and the parents just sat there and let her even though they didn't even know her. They were that rude and clueless and my mother in law missed the wedding because she didn't want undisciplined children ruining the bride and grooms wedding.
Unfortunately parents like these are the reason for some brides reasons for childless weddings.
SIL is going to a wedding up in Long Island that weekend and is unable to come down. My mom insists on staying home with them, sending my dad to the wedding with us. I have a neighbor with a daughter who is a teen now whom I trust but mom insists on staying with them and they prefer to have mom here. Oh well, whatever.
I am not insulted, because my boys are well behaved. The 16 years old cut off tells me there is a 15 year old she doesn't want there, and perhaps a lot of her friends have toddlers now and she doesn't want them running amuck. And I get that, too. The boys were disappointed because they wanted to go see what a wedding was all about, but they're over it. They just insist they don't want a sitter. (They never considered my parents to be "sitters").
So now I will be thinking about shopping for a new dress.....ehehe
My sister n law and I went to a wedding and the kids were all over the place during the ceremony and the parents did nothing, on the way home it was decided that at both our daughters wedding we will have a nursery available.
One wedding a couple with two kids were ignoring their two kids and they were totally obnoxious and was so bad that my mother in law got up and took them out and the parents just sat there and let her even though they didn't even know her. They were that rude and clueless and my mother in law missed the wedding because she didn't want undisciplined children ruining the bride and grooms wedding.
Unfortunately parents like these are the reason for some brides reasons for childless weddings.
My sister n law and I went to a wedding and the kids were all over the place during the ceremony and the parents did nothing, on the way home it was decided that at both our daughters wedding we will have a nursery available.
One wedding a couple with two kids were ignoring their two kids and they were totally obnoxious and was so bad that my mother in law got up and took them out and the parents just sat there and let her even though they didn't even know her. They were that rude and clueless and my mother in law missed the wedding because she didn't want undisciplined children ruining the bride and grooms wedding.
Unfortunately parents like these are the reason for some brides reasons for childless weddings.
But then, I wish stores and restaurants had times of service when kids were not allowed, too.
I know, I'm getting crotchety in my old age.
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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.
