Q. A Child by Any Other Name: When my husband and I got married I elected to keep my maiden name, which was fine with my husband. I’m now pregnant with my first child. One day my husband asks me out of the blue, “Hey, do you want her to have your last name?” And the answer was yes. My last name is very uncommon, and my dad and I are the only two people in my family lineage who still have it. My husband has six brothers who have all prolifically produced sons with his family’s last name. Cue the fireworks. When we broached it with my husband’s parents, they lost their minds. They’ve always been so kind and welcoming, but they said some really ugly and hurtful things. It turns out they’ve always been offended that I kept my own name, they think I’m too bossy, they think I wear the pants in the family—his father actually said, “You better get that wife of yours in line.” I mean, I am kind of bossy, and I do wear the pants in the family, but that dynamic works for both my husband and myself, and we’ve had a strong relationship built on love and mutual respect. Now his parents are saying they won’t have anything to do with us if the baby has my last name and not theirs. He wants to stick with our decision, and if that means cutting them out of our lives, then so be it. My husband has always had such a close relationship to his parents and I hate the thought of their not having a relationship anymore. Does it make us terrible people if we stick to our guns and give our child my name even if it alienates his family?
A: So in order to have their son yank up those pants and “be a man,” they are berating him and threatening to withdraw their love if he doesn’t do what they say. You recognize you and your husband have a dynamic that works for you, and now you’ve been told your marital relationship doesn’t work for your in-laws. However, they are not participants in your marriage, so they have no vote. It’s interesting that your supposedly passive husband has been able to stand up to this bullying by his parents and tell them to mind their own business. Do not back down. New grandchildren have a tendency to blur that line in the sand drawn by angry grandparents. However, these two may have a full enough brood of grandchildren that out of pique they will be willing to ignore this beautiful addition to their family. What a loss for them.
Q. Re: A Child by Any Other Name: I kind of love that the LW and her husband want to give the baby the mother’s surname, and I agree that her ILs are behaving badly. But, honestly; “wears the pants”? “Get that wife of yours in line”? What is this, 1920? What they need to do with the ILs is just laugh and laugh and laugh and then do what they were planning on doing anyway.
A: Or 1950. But I do love that the wife says, “Hell, yeah, I’m in charge! And we both like it that way.”
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
Hyphenating is dumb. I can see it MAYBE for a well-established professional who doesn't want to give up their prior name and whose spouse won't change, but for children it's silly. Pick one.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
I agree hyphenating is dumb, but I also believe that kids should have their father's last name. It is the traditional naming convention and if he's in the picture, then it should be that. But hyphenating would be a compromise if the mother just has to have her name given to the kids.
I have a weird last name, and my mom and dad had all girls. I would have no problem taking my husband's last name, so I think the whole thing is dumb personally.
But where does hyphenating end? Even if you marry someone whose name is not hyphenated, the children could potentially have at least three last names. It's just silly.
They need to pick one. I'm certainly not against traditional norms in this regard, but in this case, they've agreed to have the child take mom's name. It's much better than hyphenating.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Their first mistake was "broaching" the subject with the parents. This decision has nothing to do with the husband's parents. They should have made the decision, named the kid, and that's that. The letter reads to me that they opened it up for discussion with the parents.
Their first mistake was "broaching" the subject with the parents. This decision has nothing to do with the husband's parents. They should have made the decision, named the kid, and that's that. The letter reads to me that they opened it up for discussion with the parents.
Good point. The views of these parents on this subject couldn't have been some big secret. I'm betting it's not the first time dear old dad has told sonny boy he has no balls.
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I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
The husband should take the wife's name and really piss them off.
I know a guy who did this. He had his bio-dad's last name, which was Odgnhgcbkicasynn. He never met his bio-dad. His mom had married numerous times and with each marriage, she had him call himself step-dads last name. The guy married a girl with the last name Lou. He changed his name to Lou. Their children's last name is Lou.
I don't see the issue here. Both parents want to do it. Hubby refuses to let his parents threats change his mind. Do it and be happy with your choice. His parents may come around, and if not, you are probably better off without them.
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"I have a very strict gun control policy. If there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it." - Clint Eastwood
