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ed11563


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Dear Prudie: Husband Not On My Side
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Q. Husband Not on My Side: I’ve been married to a wonderful man for almost a year now. He’s great with the kids. Not only does our 10-month-old love him, so does my 10-year-old and 6-year-old from my previous relationships. The problem is I have to threaten to leave him in order for him to take my side on issues with others. When we got engaged, a few friends of his started sending me insulting Facebook messages about our relationship. When I mentioned this to him, instead of doing something about it, he just told me to ignore them. When I told him that I wanted him to remove them from his life, instead of doing so, he wanted to talk to them. It wasn’t until I threatened to leave him that he begrudgingly removed them from his Facebook and phone. It then happened again after we got married. His dad and brother started pestering me through Facebook with snide remarks and other insulting posts. Like last time, when I told my husband, he first told me to ignore them. Then when I asked him to choose between them or me, he said that he wanted counseling for us. I shouldn’t have to threaten him for him to give me my place. How can I make him see that when someone insults me he should take my side and leave them behind?

A: Either you’re paranoid or you have a way of making enemies. Frankly, from reading your one paragraph, I’m not too crazy about you. Get off Facebook. Maybe you inspire people to post insulting comments about you, or maybe you read insults into run-of-the mill remarks. In any case, you don't have the temperament for social media, so instead of trying to force everyone else to unplug, you should do so. Also, immediately take your husband up on his offer of counseling. You just had a baby with this man and now you are getting into showdowns with him over the future of your marriage. You've got three children by three men, so if you want to stick where you are and have this good man be a father to all your kids, you will address with a professional some serious problems you have in getting along with others. 

 



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lilyofcourse


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Well this is one tine I think Prudie got it right.

Good Lord what a loon.

If you have a problem in every situation, perhaps the problem is you.

I wouldn't want to be around this person at all.

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Lindley


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The first thing controllers do is to isolate their spouse/partner from friends and family. She sounds like she is very unstable and her husband sounds like he is wanting her to get help.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Grow the heck up lady. Geez.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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However go get the counseling.

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DemoniaD


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Dude should have ran for the hills the first time around. This woman sounds like a manipulative whackadoodle.

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Tinydancer


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While I do believe a husband should always be on his wife's side if he's always needing to defend you taking your side means helping you figure out why that is.

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JPT


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Wow, this scenario seems terribly familiar....

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Empyreal


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I think she is probably hell to live with so he vents about her to anybody that will listen. That causes all of these people to hate her and say nasty things to her.

It's a vicious cycle that he is making worse by telling people about what a biotch she is to him so now they have fights about "THEM OR ME!" So at this point he is putting up with all of her crap and losing all of his friends in the process. That's not an improvement of any sort.

He should just keep it all between him and her. Tell her that if she keeps treating you like that, you are out of there! Don't run to your friends because you don't have the balls to stand up to her. And stick to it, leave her if she can't act right.

If you are humming along in life and meet somebody that suddenly makes it harder to know the people that have always been around, you are heading down a long road of misery. They are going to ruin your life.

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JPT


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I don't think she should issue the "them or me" ultimatum, because one of these days, she'll really HATE his choice...

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Empyreal


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JPT wrote:

I don't think she should issue the "them or me" ultimatum, because one of these days, she'll really HATE his choice...

 I don't know... seems like she just moves to the next one every time she rips the balls of the one she has.

She needs help.  

She has 3 kids by 3 men.  It seems that she doesn't ever think about her role in trying to keep a family together.  I feel sorry for the kids.  



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Nobody Just Nobody


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I wonder what the "insults" are. And why she doesn't feel he has her back.

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Vette


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I only identify with her because my bf is NEVER on my side when it comes to his kid and ex wife. Anything that comes up is always my fault somehow, and they are always in the right. It pisses me off to no end, even if he doesn't agree with me sometimes, if he loves me he should always have my back.

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Mellow Momma


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Empyreal wrote:

I think she is probably hell to live with so he vents about her to anybody that will listen. That causes all of these people to hate her and say nasty things to her.

It's a vicious cycle that he is making worse by telling people about what a biotch she is to him so now they have fights about "THEM OR ME!" So at this point he is putting up with all of her crap and losing all of his friends in the process. That's not an improvement of any sort.

He should just keep it all between him and her. Tell her that if she keeps treating you like that, you are out of there! Don't run to your friends because you don't have the balls to stand up to her. And stick to it, leave her if she can't act right.

If you are humming along in life and meet somebody that suddenly makes it harder to know the people that have always been around, you are heading down a long road of misery. They are going to ruin your life.

 Incredibly insightful. I agree 100%. 



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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The only person you get to control is yourself. You don't get to tell others what to think , feel or say. And put on your big girl panties and fight your own battles. As for her DH , he doesn't want to make issues out of petty crap.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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At some point , he will push back on her stupid ultimatums.

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Nobody Just Nobody


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I would still love to know what she thinks the insults are.

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Southern_Belle


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Oy. I hate ultimatums. If you have to constantly threaten then why be in the relationship?

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Nobody Just Nobody


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Okay, I'm going to go here... When DH and I got together and at first got engaged I wanted him to change his FB page to reflect that. He wouldn't. It really hurt me a lot. I felt that he was ashamed of me. Then we talked about it and he explained that not everyone knew that the divorce was final and that he had moved on and he had work people on his page and other stuff like that. When he explained that it made me realize it wasn't because he was ashamed. We got married so quickly. And he didn't want all his business getting back to the ex. So you know, she says he's not defending her but it depends on what is being said. Things can definitely be seen in two ways.

Oh, and he eventually did put me on his FB page!

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Honeys_Mom


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NJN I love your wedding photos I've seen.



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Nobody Just Nobody


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Honeys_Mom wrote:

NJN I love your wedding photos I've seen.

 THANKS!!  I loved my wedding.  Wouldn't do it again for the world but loved it.  Not that I wouldn't marry DH but we planned and did all the work for our wedding ourselves.  Right down to the food.  It was tons of work.  BUT, if you're getting married call me.  I'd love to do it for someone else!



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Mary Zombie


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I think she sounds pretty whacked however....We don't know for sure....he could be a jerk... and In principle....I couldn't be with somene that doesn't have my back. Bt I'm not a whacknut....or at least I don't think I am, lol.

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