TOTALLY GEEKED!

ed11563 · Guru

Dear Prudie: —Too sensitive?

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

can’t be so sensitive that every stray comment is seen as an attack.
Can we needle point this on pillows and paint it on bridges and over passes?

Some one needs to tell little miss girl power to chill.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

For someone to bring a complaint it takes more than a "sweetie" here and there. There may be body language or condescending attitude that is not so easy to describe.

I agree with getting an outsider expert to come in but only if they are undercover so the alleged perp has no heads up.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

In some cases you are right.

But I have been in the middle of these situations and know that there are those who find offense in everything. Even an innocent bushing of the hand while reaching for the same thing.

I accidently called my district manager honey one time. We joked about that for weeks. Until one of the other female workers decided to take offense with it.

Seems like they are doing the right things.

It seems to me if a person has the same problems every where they go, then maybe the problem is that person.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

If there is a problem everywhere you look...maybe the problem is you.

The HR rep in the OP is actually really bad at his/her job. Part of being in HR is being impartial and communicating to both sides of a situation what could be done better by both parties. The HR rep has a responsibility to the company to investigate any claims, but also has a responsibility to the sensitive employee to explain what harassment actually is. Then, the HR rep should give examples of what harassment actually is.

Doesn't sound like the HR rep knows anything about human resources at all actually. This is a basic part of the job. People always have a perceived grudge against someone and HR's job is to "talk the off the ledge" and/or investigate.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

lilyofcourse wrote:
In some cases you are right.

But I have been in the middle of these situations and know that there are those who find offense in everything. Even an innocent bushing of the hand while reaching for the same thing.

I accidently called my district manager honey one time. We joked about that for weeks. Until one of the other female workers decided to take offense with it.

Seems like they are doing the right things.

It seems to me if a person has the same problems every where they go, then maybe the problem is that person.

Great minds lily!

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Yeah, the fact that this lady has complaints with so many people is telling.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
For someone to bring a complaint it takes more than a "sweetie" here and there. There may be body language or condescending attitude that is not so easy to describe.

I agree with getting an outsider expert to come in but only if they are undercover so the alleged perp has no heads up.

Not necessarily. I have known some people who find OFFENSE in literally EVERYTHING.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Let's face it. We have all worked with chronic complainers. And , is it really some big damn deal if someone says something that doesn't come out quite right once in awhile? Everybody literally blurts out stupid crap from time to time and so does she. But, yeah, as the Supervisor, you do need to look and see if those are legit complaints. And, maybe in the past, everyone talked and behaved in that fashion. But, this is a new day, and there needs to be more professionalism brought to the work place. In times past, I have worked in many very relaxed work environments. But, I am a no nonsense person at work now. And, in this day and age, I simply go to work to do my work. I have learned that it is much smarter to keep a professional distance and don't ever give you enemies any ammunition, lol.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
For someone to bring a complaint it takes more than a "sweetie" here and there. There may be body language or condescending attitude that is not so easy to describe.

I agree with getting an outsider expert to come in but only if they are undercover so the alleged perp has no heads up.
Not necessarily. I have known some people who find OFFENSE in literally EVERYTHING.

Oh I get there are people who constantly complain. I should clarify, the company should hire this outsider to figure out if it's a constant complainer or if one of there beloved employees is inappropriate.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

And if there is really nothing going on that is a problem, then it shouldn't be too difficult to knock out calling her "sweetie" or telling raunchy jokes in the break room. Staff education is a good thing.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Let's face it. We have all worked with chronic complainers. And , is it really some big damn deal if someone says something that doesn't come out quite right once in awhile? Everybody literally blurts out stupid crap from time to time and so does she. But, yeah, as the Supervisor, you do need to look and see if those are legit complaints. And, maybe in the past, everyone talked and behaved in that fashion. But, this is a new day, and there needs to be more professionalism brought to the work place. In times past, I have worked in many very relaxed work environments. But, I am a no nonsense person at work now. And, in this day and age, I simply go to work to do my work. I have learned that it is much smarter to keep a professional distance and don't ever give you enemies any ammunition, lol.

Exactly why I think the HR person is worthless in the OP. It is up to HR to set the tone for the office and to set the tone for what will be tolerated as a complaint and what will not. The HR in the OP has taught the sensitive employee that literally ANY complaint will get action. That is a terrible precedent to set and it isn't feasible to maintain long term. This is why people hate HR.

-- Edited by Mellow Momma on Friday 24th of October 2014 05:49:06 PM

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

She really is setting up herself up to become a toxic employee. If her complaints really aren't legit, then she is simply going to become the employee nobody wants to be around. And, then she is going to find even more offense in that and it goes on and on.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
She really is setting up herself up to become a toxic employee. If her complaints really aren't legit, then she is simply going to become the employee nobody wants to be around. And, then she is going to find even more offense in that and it goes on and on.

This. And like Momma said the HR guy isn't handling it well because he's giving her the power to complain over and over again. He needs to make it clear what needs to be reported and what doesn't. Eventually no one is going to want to work with her. They'll have a hard time with her because people will refuse to be around her out of fear of her reporting them. No one likes to work with a tattle tale.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I got the honey darling the other day from a someone. I just took it. Guess I should have been all upset.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I wonder if the HR guy talked to HER. Because I've always been told it is your responsibility to tell the person to stop using that language before you can even report it. Did she even say to these people "Please don't refer to me as Honey, Darling, or Sweetheart."

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

She would be perpetually offended here.

Everyone is honey, sugar, darlined, around here.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

If I'm having a full day- work, shopping, etc., I'm called sweetie, honey, darling, dear, etc. AT LEAST 10 times a day. The lady at the KFC drive-through calls me sweetie and honey about 6 times in the 30 seconds I'm at the window.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Yeah. I get that too.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
I wonder if the HR guy talked to HER. Because I've always been told it is your responsibility to tell the person to stop using that language before you can even report it. Did she even say to these people "Please don't refer to me as Honey, Darling, or Sweetheart."

Bingo! The first thing any HR person should say is "what did he say when you told him you didn't like being referred to as Honey ?"

Consistently reporting people for non-offenses is creating a hostile work environment for her co workers. HR should do something about THAT!

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Yeah, I'm not saying he shouldn't take this seriously. By all means if there is something to it then it needs to be dealt with. But she doesn't even sound like she's addressed her coworkers. She sounds like she needs to grow up a bit.

huskerbb · Guru

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
For someone to bring a complaint it takes more than a "sweetie" here and there. There may be body language or condescending attitude that is not so easy to describe.

I agree with getting an outsider expert to come in but only if they are undercover so the alleged perp has no heads up.

OK, BUT--surely these "pervs" or whatever you might refer to them as--are not confined to one victim. Yet only one has complained, and it's not like this company discourages complaints, either, since they have acted on every one of hers.

Sometimes, if you are the ONLY one--it's you.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
If I'm having a full day- work, shopping, etc., I'm called sweetie, honey, darling, dear, etc. AT LEAST 10 times a day. The lady at the KFC drive-through calls me sweetie and honey about 6 times in the 30 seconds I'm at the window.

I don't know. I guess it just doesn't offend me. I think it is usually meant in a kind way so I really don't need to LOOK for reasons to be offended. But, I also agree that at the workplace, that is not appropriate. It can be used in a way that undermines the credibility of the a female employee so yes, in that case, that isn't something that should be permitted. However, that doesn't mean you need to go nuclear. If you have hired someone from the South or wherever where that was the Norm, then I think it is just a matter of employee education and learning a new way.

ed11563 · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
If I'm having a full day- work, shopping, etc., I'm called sweetie, honey, darling, dear, etc. AT LEAST 10 times a day. The lady at the KFC drive-through calls me sweetie and honey about 6 times in the 30 seconds I'm at the window.

She's trying to ask you out on a date. smile

Vette · Owl drink to that!

I have to admit I HATE being called names like "sweetie", "hun", etc. It's not normal in my neck of the woods to refer to women like that especially coming from another woman. When someone calls me something like that it's usually because they are being a condescending b!tch and I don't appreciate it.

I do take into account that the geeks here are from all over so when say lily or flan or DG call me something like that I try not to assume they are being snarky but it still gets under my skin a tiny bit.

That said I do think this lady is WAY too sensitive, there's a difference between something bugging you and actually reporting things that are only annoyances.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

I'd rather be called "hon" by a female than a male, with a male, its condescending unless the male is your SO.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

I find it to be disrespectful sounding either way, but that's just me.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

VetteGirl wrote:
I find it to be disrespectful sounding either way, but that's just me.

I agree. But I would address the person saying it, in a really lighthearted way, in order to get them to see my side.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

VetteGirl wrote:
I have to admit I HATE being called names like "sweetie", "hun", etc. It's not normal in my neck of the woods to refer to women like that especially coming from another woman. When someone calls me something like that it's usually because they are being a condescending b!tch and I don't appreciate it.

I do take into account that the geeks here are from all over so when say lily or flan or DG call me something like that I try not to assume they are being snarky but it still gets under my skin a tiny bit.

That said I do think this lady is WAY too sensitive, there's a difference between something bugging you and actually reporting things that are only annoyances.

I understand how you feel Vette but in the south it's a quite common custom to call someone those terms. And they are not meant in a condescending way. I grew up in the North and I can tell you there's just a huge difference culturally.

Given that this woman needs to address the people calling her that. There are polite ways to ask someone not to call you pet names. And it doesn't sound like she talks to people she works with. I once worked with this lady who was CONSTANTLY on the phone with our boss reporting every little single thing I did. I would get phone call after phone call after phone call at work from the boss saying, "I heard you said..." Never once did this woman say to me, "NJN, I think that's inappropriate." NEVER. I got to where I hated her and I hated going into work. I knew I was going to get tattled on. And the funny thing is she was so ungodly sweet to my face. She'd bring coffee and donuts in the morning. Then she'd tattle to the boss that I was eating at my desk. She was a b!tch of utmost proportions. Her husband was deployed and she used to tell me about how she was cheating on him while he was gone. I hated that woman. Tattle tales suck.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Yeah - it really not said condescendingly. It's said to be friendly.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Njn I already conceded that is normal in the south. But definitely not normal where I live.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

VetteGirl wrote:
Njn I already conceded that is normal in the south. But definitely not normal where I live.

I know! biggrin My point was that wherever this woman is she needs to learn to how say something for herself and quit running to the boss for every little thing. I'm not saying that you shouldn't report things that matter but seriously, when someone calls you a pet name, if you are a grown up, you should be able to stand up for yourself.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I have heard people say using terms like "honey, darling and dear" are offensive. But they also say things like Ma'am is too.

So it seems a lot of people have a lot to be offended by.

Like on the other thread, I don't think these things would even cross my mind to be offended by.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

I don't get offended exactly, it just gets my hackles up

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I wonder if age has a lot to do with it.

At 20 things bothered me more. Now I'm more of the mind that I don't hear it much anymore so I will take it when I can get it.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

That might be, although I'm way closer to thirty than twenty! :p

Honeys_Mom · Mod & Permanent Board Sweetheart

lilyofcourse wrote:
I wonder if age has a lot to do with it.

At 20 things bothered me more. Now I'm more of the mind that I don't hear it much anymore so I will take it when I can get it.

LOL Lily! biggrin

Divine Geek · Guru

VetteGirl wrote:
Njn I already conceded that is normal in the south. But definitely not normal where I live.

It's not the norm where I live either. When I do it, it truly is a term of endearment. And very rarely do they get used at work, there is one guy I call dear or I say "morning sunshine" to. But it is well established that it is ok with both of us.

the place I used to work, the owner called me "young lady" all the time. While that annoyed me enough, it was extra annoying because I know he did it because he couldn't remember my name. And being the only girl, young lady covered him in his mind.

ladyloonatic · Regular

Nowhere in the OP does it imply that the complainant did not tell the offender to stop.

Granted, different parts of the country/world, have different norms, and perhaps some cultural sensitivity training needs to take place.

But, once someone tells you "I don't like it", you need to apologize (sincerely) and not do it anymore.

If it continues, its harassment.

ed11563 · Guru

Divine Geek wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:
Njn I already conceded that is normal in the south. But definitely not normal where I live.
It's not the norm where I live either. When I do it, it truly is a term of endearment. And very rarely do they get used at work, there is one guy I call dear or I say "morning sunshine" to. But it is well established that it is ok with both of us.
the place I used to work, the owner called me "young lady" all the time. While that annoyed me enough, it was extra annoying because I know he did it because he couldn't remember my name. And being the only girl, young lady covered him in his mind.

He might have had problems with his memory for reasons you weren't told. People can be seriously compromised, but if they own the company, no one can or will fire them. I hope you can now forgive him for what might have been a serious and developing medical problem.

(Even if it's not true, the idea might help you put it into your "ignore" bucket.)

Divine Geek · Guru

ed11563 wrote:
Divine Geek wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:
Njn I already conceded that is normal in the south. But definitely not normal where I live.
It's not the norm where I live either. When I do it, it truly is a term of endearment. And very rarely do they get used at work, there is one guy I call dear or I say "morning sunshine" to. But it is well established that it is ok with both of us.
the place I used to work, the owner called me "young lady" all the time. While that annoyed me enough, it was extra annoying because I know he did it because he couldn't remember my name. And being the only girl, young lady covered him in his mind.
He might have had problems with his memory for reasons you weren't told. People can be seriously compromised, but if they own the company, no one can or will fire them. I hope you can now forgive him for what might have been a serious and developing medical problem.
(Even if it's not true, the idea might help you put it into your "ignore" bucket.)

No, his problem was his was (actually probably still is) an insensitive, misogynistic, drunk, jackass. I made his company a lot of money. The least he could have done in the year+ I worked there was learn my name. He had no problem with the guys, even new ones. It was just me

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
I'd rather be called "hon" by a female than a male, with a male, its condescending unless the male is your SO.

To me, it just sounds very uneducated and unprofessional. So, if that is the image you want to portray, then go for it. But, I would expect anyone with some business education and training beyond High School to have some sense of how to address people and behave in the workplace.

ed11563 · Guru

Divine Geek wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
Divine Geek wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:
Njn I already conceded that is normal in the south. But definitely not normal where I live.
It's not the norm where I live either. When I do it, it truly is a term of endearment. And very rarely do they get used at work, there is one guy I call dear or I say "morning sunshine" to. But it is well established that it is ok with both of us.
the place I used to work, the owner called me "young lady" all the time. While that annoyed me enough, it was extra annoying because I know he did it because he couldn't remember my name. And being the only girl, young lady covered him in his mind.
He might have had problems with his memory for reasons you weren't told. People can be seriously compromised, but if they own the company, no one can or will fire them. I hope you can now forgive him for what might have been a serious and developing medical problem.
(Even if it's not true, the idea might help you put it into your "ignore" bucket.)
No, his problem was his was (actually probably still is) an insensitive, misogynistic, drunk, jackass. I made his company a lot of money. The least he could have done in the year+ I worked there was learn my name. He had no problem with the guys, even new ones. It was just me

Okay, I'm glad for you that you got out of there.

Ohfour · Hooker

I call everyone Doll. EVERYONE. Done it for years. I've never had a problem with it. I probably won't stop.

And yes, I am management. I just don't give a flying fvck...

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

I take my car to the dealership & my team leader guy always calls me hon. It doesn't offend me but it took me off guard at first mainly because this guy is late 20s & it just seemed strange coming from someone younger than me.