TOTALLY GEEKED!

Sometimes--you choose sides.

My mother, ever so gracious, was very nice to whom ever was the flavor of the year with my father, after 45 years of marriage with him. My hat is off to my mother, I'm sure she was dying inside.

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

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My mother, ever so gracious, was very nice to whom ever was the flavor of the year with my father, after 45 years of marriage with him. My hat is off to my mother, I'm sure she was dying inside.

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 But that is not this situation.  In this case, the mother divorced the dad--and it does NOT say dad was cheating.  Plus, mom had another husband or boyfriend in the meantime since it says she's recently single.  It's BS that SHE can have another lover but dear old dad cannot.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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I would tell them both. You are invited. If you wish to come and act pleasant than come. If u wish to create drama then stay home. Your relationships are not my problem or business.

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 I think this is the best thing.

Dad needs to know what mom is going to do and be warned that NO bad behavior is going to be tolerated. I think the best thing is to tell mom that. I won't accept any bad behavior. Then tell dad that mom is planning to act up, take the high road, and we will be asking anyone that doesn't act decent to leave. That should keep the dad or g/f from responding to the mom.

I would warn dad what mom is up to. Sorry, but I would. If he knows it might happen he's more likely to be prepared and take the high road. Forewarned is forearmed. They can tell dad that if mom pulls anything she is out on her ear. But warning him is likely to help. It might keep him and the new g/f from either getting into it or sitting there like a deer in the headlights.

I don't think it should be his problem. I simply think he should be warned that this is likely to happen.

My mom pulled crap like that. And it was so embarrassing!!

It had reached a point of inviting one parent to the grandkids activities this year and the other the next. The problem was graduations and weddings where it was a one time affair. I finally said forget it and quit inviting mom, since she was the one with the problem. I guess that's why she had me dropped as her POA. What a blessing in disguise. 😃

Ohfour wrote:

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Unfortunately, It looks like I'm going to be made out to be "the bad guy". Because I don't bend over backwards to be nice to my ex-husband, I'm the one "bringing tension" to the gathering. No, I don't want to be around him, but I never cause a scene. So it's looking more and more like I'm going to be the one that doesn't get invited...:(

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 That sounds pretty normal to me. I wouldn't expect my divorced parents to be buddy-buddy. They can come to an event and stay away from each other, lol. 

I don't see how that makes you the 'bad guy'.

That really stinks.

We have to get over the notion that we can figure out the lives of other adults, even our parents. I get that mom is upset. However, they have been divorced for years. She can be as upset as she pleases but that doesnt' then give her license to run roughshod over the feelings of everyone else and spoil their family moments because she can't contain herself. And, dad could also be sensitive to this as well, but whether he will or won't , you can't control. Soooo, invite whom you wish to invite and if they can't all behave like grownups, then show them the door and tell them to come back later when they can act like adults and have a nice time together.

huskerbb wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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My daughter does expect us to be buddy buddy though. And because I don't want to, I'm the bad guy...

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It's not about being the "bad" guy or not.

 

However, you've made it easier for your daughter to cut you out.  A few weeks ago, you posted about an activity you didn't get invited to and your ex did--yet you didn't really want to be there WITH him, either.

 

Whether you create a "scene" or not, you've made it plain that you don't really want to be around your ex--and there is likely tension when you are.  Therefore, like someone else said, it's just easier to invite one and not the other. 

 

Hopefully things won't always be so tense, but I'd certainly look at what I could do to get back in your daughter's good graces or you are going to miss out on a lot. 

Even if you are 100% RIGHT--it doesn't matter.  It's perception that counts.  

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Wisdom like this is why we keep feeding you. 

Thank you, IMHO, you're right.

 

-- Edited by ed11563 on Monday 10th of November 2014 07:10:32 PM

ed11563 wrote:

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huskerbb wrote:

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Ohfour wrote:

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My daughter does expect us to be buddy buddy though. And because I don't want to, I'm the bad guy...

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It's not about being the "bad" guy or not.

 

However, you've made it easier for your daughter to cut you out.  A few weeks ago, you posted about an activity you didn't get invited to and your ex did--yet you didn't really want to be there WITH him, either.

 

Whether you create a "scene" or not, you've made it plain that you don't really want to be around your ex--and there is likely tension when you are.  Therefore, like someone else said, it's just easier to invite one and not the other. 

 

Hopefully things won't always be so tense, but I'd certainly look at what I could do to get back in your daughter's good graces or you are going to miss out on a lot. 

Even if you are 100% RIGHT--it doesn't matter.  It's perception that counts.  

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Wisdom like this is why we keep feeding you. 

Thank you, IMHO, you're right.

 

-- Edited by ed11563 on Monday 10th of November 2014 07:10:32 PM

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 I agree, Ed - Husker, your statement was rather profound and nicely delivered.

I feel for Ohfour, however - you can't just turn off your feelings and paste on a plastic smile, at least I know I can't, regardless of how much I might want to.  There is a lot of history and misery fueling her aversion to the ex, and don't forget he likely loves this situation and knows it's hard on her.

huskerbb wrote:

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I agree that ohfour is in a rather distasteful situation--and I'm not even saying she is wrong.

However, her daughter is holding all the aces, so to speak, and as much as ohfour wants things to be different, the only thing under her control here is--her. She certainly can't control her ex. She also can't control what kind of access her daughter gives her to her grandchild.

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 I hate when people use children as emotional blackmail. 

You know what? The crap O4 has to deal with is a great wake up call for those who are judgmental about other's decisions to not join in extended family gatherings. Many times there is a really good reason for it.

Ohfour wrote:

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She wants me to go on vacations with him. I have no intention of spending a week to 10 days in a condo with him. He's happy as a clam making me feel uncomfortable. He knows what he's doing. The little things behind the scenes that she just can't believe he would do.

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  That is an unreasonable expectation.  The only thing that anyone should require of others coming to their gatherings is that they attempt to be civil and polite.  That's it.  You can't force a buddy buddy friendship nor is it right to expect people to like one another.  Nobody has to like another person.  However, when dealing with your adult child you have to decide where your line is as well.  And, you have the right to set your own boundaries.  However, your daughter still has some illusion about One Big Happy Family.  So, you do have to play the part a bit as well unfortunately.  Just kill him with kindness and a smirk as well.  I think you are quite capable, lol. 

The vacation thing is COMPLETELY unreasonable and unrealistic. Not to mention, completely disrespectful. Just say no. No way in hell. And turn it back around on her. It's time you got pissed off instead of letting her call the shots.

Lawyerlady wrote:

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The vacation thing is COMPLETELY unreasonable and unrealistic. Not to mention, completely disrespectful. Just say no. No way in hell. And turn it back around on her. It's time you got pissed off instead of letting her call the shots.

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 Again, I don't know these people are that get divorced so they can spend time together but no one I know wants to vacation with their ex.  There is usually a reason they are no longer together.  I can't believe that she put ohfour in that position.  A better alternative would have been to have a place for each parent to stay, apart from the daughter, and they can visit at various times.  Then meet for dinner in the evening.  I would not want to stay in the same house as my ex.

I agree with what u are saying husker. It's a balancing act. And she has to decide if the benefit of sucking it up outweighs the emotional toll on her. None of us can answer that.