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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Carolyn: Daughter Being Excluded by Her Brothers
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Family members being excluded

 

We have 3 grown, married children. Daughter has 4 boys (5-13); son 1 has 2 girls (4 and 6); son 2 has boy (8) and girl (6). As the grandchildren have gotten older, my son's wives have formed a strong bond and the two families have taken a few trips together. I am glad they are close but... Daughter and family are not included (they are quite a bit less affluent) and daughter feels the exclusion acutely. As the recipient of her tearful calls after she is left out, I am feeling the pain of being in the middle and wrestling with "having a talk" with my sons. discussing this with my husband, he said something that really struck me - that daughter's family is intimidating to many people. They are overwhelmed by 4 big boys and all that boy-ness! As someone who also lives with a bunch of boys, I was hoping you could comment. Is there a way to overcome this boy-intimidation? And do I need to keep my nose out of their relationships? My biggest problem is not letting my nose get out of joint - I feel my daughter's pain and it is hard not to take her side but I do not want to jeopardize my relationship with my sons and daughters-in-law. Husband just wants everyone to act nice; I guess I want then to really BE nice and not have this underlying tension.

 

 

 
A.
Carolyn Hax :

If the other families find the boys overwhelming and/or obnoxious (loud, physical, etc.), then the brothers should say so to their sister and offer ways to get around it--places to gather where it's not an issue, for example. Big loud boys are much more fun to have around in big open spaces with a lot to do.

And, if your daughter finds it painful to watch the other two families gather without her, then she needs to say so to her brothers. 

In other words, there's almost no role for you here except to urge your kids to talk to each other, as often as they bring up the subject to you.



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The mother shouldn't take things so personally. I agree that the brothers should be telling their sister what their issues are with her family. Perhaps the sis has not put forth the effort to befriend her SILs so they don't feel as close. Also, if the brothers want to take vacations that the sister can't afford well so what? It's their vacation and they should go where they want. Accommodating a family of 6 can be overwhelming.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I kind of can understand it. My sons are the best of friends. And, they do exclude their sister in many ways. It is natural because my sons are less than 2 yrs apart and my daughter is 4 yrs younger than the youngest brother. But, no Mom cannot navigate their relationship. It is something they have to figure out for themselves. But, I do think she could at least speak to them and see if there are times when Sis and her family could be included. These boys are going to grow up and the Uncles may really get to know and appreciate having them around more as they get older and probably more into the things the Uncles like.

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ed11563


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I think in a few more years, when all these cousins are teenagers, they will be wanting to meet and date their cousins' friends.



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Bonny22Pye


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It's not nice but siblings don't have to be friends. Maybe the wives and sister don't get along.

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I think the income thing is the biggest factor. Maybe the sister could suggest a vacation that they can afford and invite the brothers?

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huskerbb


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Wow. Change a few details and this could be our family.

My sister is always strapped for cash, this year to the point we may not do our usual "drawing" for Christmas presents. Her kids are good kids--but a handful.

The main thing is that her husband is a complete tool.



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huskerbb wrote:

Wow. Change a few details and this could be our family.

My sister is always strapped for cash, this year to the point we may not do our usual "drawing" for Christmas presents. Her kids are good kids--but a handful.

The main thing is that her husband is a complete tool.

 So you can relate to the brothers.

I thought your sis was divorcing that jerk?



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huskerbb


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

Wow. Change a few details and this could be our family.

My sister is always strapped for cash, this year to the point we may not do our usual "drawing" for Christmas presents. Her kids are good kids--but a handful.

The main thing is that her husband is a complete tool.

 So you can relate to the brothers.

I thought your sis was divorcing that jerk?

We thought she was.  hmm 



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hmm



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Lawyerlady


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Sometimes, people need to realize that being siblings does not automatically equate to being friends.

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