TOTALLY GEEKED!

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
totallygeeked -> totallygeeked general -> Dear Prudie: Letters from Deceased Mom
Post Info TOPIC: Dear Prudie: Letters from Deceased Mom
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Dear Prudie: Letters from Deceased Mom
Permalink  
 

Dear Prudence,
More than a decade ago, when I was 15, my beloved mother died of cancer. My siblings, our dad, and I grieved and stuck close together and moved toward healing. My dad did a great job of seeing us through to adulthood. In the months before her death, my mother decided to write her children cards and letters to read at different points along our paths: high school graduations, weddings, etc. I believe that doing this helped to steady her during a time of great anxiety about what would happen to her children, particularly a teen daughter without a mother. My siblings and I have shared some of the letters with one another, and we have appreciated learning more about her early life from them, as well as laughing at her wit and energy coming back to us. However, I’m getting married in a few months, and I am now dreading reading the Wedding Letter from Mom. I understand what she was doing for us, as well as for herself, but the letters cause an emotional upheaval during times that are already emotional enough. Knowing that the stack is dwindling is painful, but knowing that I have to read them on her timeline is making me a little resentful toward her because it’s holding me back from closure. My aunt stressed to me that Mom never intended to control me through these letters, and I believe that she wouldn’t want me to be the perpetual “little girl lost” years after she’s gone. But the idea of sitting down and reading through all of them at once so I won’t have to open them during big life events seems so final and sad. Any advice?

Advertisement
 
 

—Little Girl Lost

Dear Girl,
My heart lurches over your dilemma. I can imagine your dying mother writing you, the daughter she knows she’ll never see become a woman, putting on paper the things she would want to say to you on the eve of your wedding. What a painful paradox to have your long-gone mother’s voice come alive on the page while feeling taken back to the worst time in your life. There also must be something unsettling about getting advice from a mother who knew who you were then but doesn’t know who you are now. Rebekah Gee, a physician and daughter of the former president of Ohio State, experienced the same dilemma you face when her late mother left her a ream of letters—her story was told on This American Life. I can see how it could be unnerving to hear your mother’s voice anew, speculating about who you are and who you are marrying. I think you should put the letters away for now. You know they’re there, and you know your mother did not want you held emotionally hostage to them, so it is not a betrayal of her memory to say, “Mom, I’m going to read these later.” Later could be after the wedding. Later could be years from now. Later could be when your children say, “Mommy, what was your mommy like?” And you say, “Well, I’ve got some mail from her. Let’s read it together.”

—Prudie



__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

Instead of viewing this angst, this is a gift. A gift from the mother who loved you. Collect all the letters and read them. Then on your wedding day, bring the wedding letter and read part or all it at the ceremony and realize that your mom is always in your heart.
Yes, it is sad but she is deceased now. You have to move ahead with your life but also allow yourself to be embraced by your mother's love.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
I know what to do_sometimes


Frozen Sucks!

Status: Offline
Posts: 24384
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Instead of viewing this angst, this is a gift. A gift from the mother who loved you. Collect all the letters and read them. Then on your wedding day, bring the wedding letter and read part or all it at the ceremony and realize that your mom is always in your heart.
Yes, it is sad but she is deceased now. You have to move ahead with your life but also allow yourself to be embraced by your mother's love.

 



__________________

Sometimes you're the windshield, and sometimes you're the bug.

Frozen is the bestest movie ever, NOT!
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

We all move on differently.

If it upsets her too much to read them, then don't. The mom wrote them more for herself than the kids anyway.

Put them in a nice box or book so you can save them and read them when you are ready.

I know I wouldn't want my daughter so torn up like that and would even understand if she never read any of them.



__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
huskerbb


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 10215
Date:
Permalink  
 

lilyofcourse wrote:

We all move on differently.

If it upsets her too much to read them, then don't. The mom wrote them more for herself than the kids anyway.

Put them in a nice box or book so you can save them and read them when you are ready.

I know I wouldn't want my daughter so torn up like that and would even understand if she never read any of them.

I agree--but I think she'll regret it if she doesn't read them.

 

Of course they are emotional, but how can she not want to hear her mother at these times?  



__________________

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

 

Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

Face reality. Read them.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

I think she has faced reality. I think she has come to terms with it. I think the letters are a reminder of the pain and it brings the loss back each time she reads them.

Like tearing a wound open again and again. Every time it almost heals it is ripped back open again.

That's why I said save them for when she wants to read them. Or don't. It is up to her.

Her mom wouldn't want her daughter to go through the pain of losing her over and over again. I know I wouldn't want that for my kids.



__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
Tinydancer


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 6573
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Instead of viewing this angst, this is a gift. A gift from the mother who loved you. Collect all the letters and read them. Then on your wedding day, bring the wedding letter and read part or all it at the ceremony and realize that your mom is always in your heart.
Yes, it is sad but she is deceased now. You have to move ahead with your life but also allow yourself to be embraced by your mother's love.

 That would be a wonderful way to honor her mother and it might be sad but that's something people would remember.



__________________

“Until I discovered cooking, I was never really interested in anything.”
― Julia Child ―


 

 

 
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

Yes. Too bad she can't see that.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

I think it is quite presumptuous to tell a woman how to feel about the loss of her mother and the pain the letters cause as a reminder of her loss.

__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
flan327


Itty bitty's Grammy

Status: Offline
Posts: 28124
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lawyerlady wrote:

I think it is quite presumptuous to tell a woman how to feel about the loss of her mother and the pain the letters cause as a reminder of her loss.

 That was my thought, too.

But most of you know that I was not close to my mom, so I know that influences my opinion.

flan



__________________

You are my sun, my moon, and all of my stars.
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lawyerlady wrote:

I think it is quite presumptuous to tell a woman how to feel about the loss of her mother and the pain the letters cause as a reminder of her loss.

  Oh please.  Nobody is "telling" her anything.  It's a letter to Prudie.  Good gosh.  hmm



__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

I think it is quite presumptuous to tell a woman how to feel about the loss of her mother and the pain the letters cause as a reminder of her loss.

  Oh please.  Nobody is "telling" her anything.  It's a letter to Prudie.  Good gosh.  hmm

 You are the one saying how she should feel.  Just because you would feel one way doesn't mean someone else should have to feel that way.  And really, you don't know how this girl SHOULD feel.  She lost her mother as a child and had to finish growing up without her.   That is not an easy thing for a teenager to deal with, and it does affect you the rest of your life and times like a wedding are already difficult enough without them there.  Making it MORE emotional when it is already hard is not something I would expect of anybody.



__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

Calm down LL. Sheesh. I am not "telling her" anything. I am having a discussion with YOU and other posters about the letter. Wow.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Calm down LL. Sheesh. I am not "telling her" anything. I am having a discussion with YOU and other posters about the letter. Wow.

 And you are implying her feelings are not valid and that she should feel differently.  Actually - not even implying - "Too bad she can't see that".



__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

I am saying that if she could see those letters as a blessing in her life and a way to make her Mother present during her important moments, that yes, I think that would give her much more closure and be a more mature way to deal with it. Yes.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

I love it when the Highly Opinionated, tell ME that I shouldn't have my opinions! LOL!!

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I am saying that if she could see those letters as a blessing in her life and a way to make her Mother present during her important moments, that yes, I think that would give her much more closure and be a more mature way to deal with it. Yes.

 Well, since you got to have your mother at your wedding instead of a letter, it's very easy for you to see it that way.



__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I love it when the Highly Opinionated, tell ME that I shouldn't have my opinions! LOL!!

 And I love it when the highly blesses assume to tell others in pain how they should feel about it.



__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

Um, wouldn't that apply to YOU? Just saying.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Um, wouldn't that apply to YOU? Just saying.

No.  Most people have 2 parents.



-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Saturday 29th of November 2014 08:12:48 AM

__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

You aren't highly blessed?

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

You are really going to launch into that kind of self righteous nonsense? I expect better from you, lol.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

You aren't highly blessed?

 I'm highly blessed in other ways.  But I happen to know how this girl feels - and you cannot possibly understand how difficult it is already.

 

I'm going to step away from this thread now. 



__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

So, your life experiences are valid and mine are not? Oh ok. I have never suffered any loss in my life? Wow. You have no idea.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

She's not a girl. She's a grown woman. And, learning to deal with this and move on is important for her well being.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

You aren't highly blessed?

 I'm highly blessed in other ways.  But I happen to know how this girl feels - and you cannot possibly understand how difficult it is already.

 

I'm going to step away from this thread now. 

I am just having a discussion.  You are choosing to make this about you, which it is not.  My comments are not about YOU. 



__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

So, your life experiences are valid and mine are not? Oh ok. I have never suffered any loss in my life? Wow. You have no idea.

 And yet no one is presuming to tell you how you should feel about it.  So, WOW - this girl's feelings, and MINE are not valid - but yours are, and so much so that you have the right to knock someone for their feelings about it.  YOU are the one commenting that this girl's feelings aren't the right ones and she should just be happy she has the letters.  YOU did that.  NO ONE is telling you that your feelings about something don't matter.

 

And no, Gaga, I don't think you know what it is like to be a young child and had to finish growing up without them during formative years.  I'm not comparing your adult losses to that, I'm simply saying you cannot POSSIBLY understand that.  And your comments about it prove it.



-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Saturday 29th of November 2014 08:23:27 AM

__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

I didn't "knock" anyone. If you choose for that to be YOUR interpretation of what I said, I cannot help that.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
totallygeeked -> totallygeeked general -> Dear Prudie: Letters from Deceased Mom


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse 		Powered by ActiveBoard