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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Abby: Why Are People Afraid to Talk about the Deceased?
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Abby: Why Are People Afraid to Talk about the Deceased?
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DEAR ABBY: I was married to a wonderful woman who passed away five months ago after a heart attack. Why do people act as if the one who has passed away never existed? Please talk about her. Talk about her often. Tell me good things about her.

If you wonder about the right thing to say -- and I believe all mourners should hear it -- here it is: Tell me my wife loved me, tell me I made her happy, tell me she knew I loved her and knew she made me happy. Repeat it as often as you can. Out of all the friends we had, only one couple said those words to me. When I heard them I cried, but I was also comforted.

Also, it seems like many of my so-called friends have fallen off the face of the earth. Now is when they are needed most. I wish I knew why they don't come to see me. Is it me? -- ALONE IN ALABAMA

DEAR ALONE: Probably not. There could be more than one reason for it. With many couples, it is the wife who "nurtures" the social relationships. Also, your friends may be afraid that because they are couples and you are a widower, you might be uncomfortable spending time with them.

Something similar may be causing their reluctance to talk about your wife. They may fear that bringing her up in conversation will somehow cause you pain, which is why they avoid it. Death is an uncomfortable subject for many people, but I hope my readers will take your comments to heart.

If you want to end your isolation, you may have to call your friends and invite them instead of being passive and waiting for them to contact you. Please accept my sympathy for your loss.

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2014/11/28/widower-buried-his-wife-but-welcomes

 



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flan327


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I wish I knew!

I remember all too well the first anniversary of DH1's death. I was hoping for a call from my parents...nope. Later my dad said that he had wanted to call, but Mom said no, because it might remind me.

Yeah, cuz THAT is something I'm totally going to forget...

flan

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Yeah, this whole "oh, we dont' want to REMIND someone of their passing thing" is bizarre. Like you are going about in Happy Oblivion forgetting your spouse died.

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flan327


Itty bitty's Grammy

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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Yeah, this whole "oh, we dont' want to REMIND someone of their passing thing" is bizarre. Like you are going about in Happy Oblivion forgetting your spouse died.

 I know, right?

Time does heal things to some extent. He died 20 years ago & I forgot until a few months after the date.

flan



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I purposed to stop thinking about the date that my loved ones died. I decided that the day they died is no longer going to be important in my brain. What matters is how they lived. If that makes sense.

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lilyofcourse


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About two weeks ago I was looking at and talking to C about a yard decoration. I wanted a large cut out of the Holy Family for a shadow thing.

I said "Hey maybe pawpaw...." and then it hit me hard that he was gone. I had actually "forgot" for a minute.

People don't know what to say. They don't want to hurt the one who has lost someone and they are afraid to say anything.



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burns07


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my parents were both well known in our hometown, with many, many friends, acquaintances and colleagues--frequently, people who had known them would speak to me ( even if we had just met ) and say kind things about them, about what fine people they were--never bothered me--on the contrary, made me feel good and i thanked them for remembering my parents

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huskerbb


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It's hard to know what to say, sometimes.

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