Q. Daughter’s Trust vs. Public Service: My daughter goes to a dance class where the dance instructor’s son also gives lessons. He’s about 25 years old, married and with a kid on the way. My daughter told me that when they were in the tour bus the son asked one of her dance-mates if she’d let him kiss her. This girl is about 15 years old! She told my daughter she felt she couldn’t say no, so she let him. The girl feels bad, but doesn’t want to hurt the wife (who’s been there for some of the performances) nor does she want to break up a family. My daughter told me this in confidence and made me promise I wouldn’t tell a soul. If I tell this young girl’s parents (who don’t come to performances and who I’ve never met), my daughter will lose all trust in me. (My daughter’s trust is essential because if this happens to her, I need her to trust in telling me.) If I don’t tell the parents, I will be allowing this man to continue to surround himself of these girls. I don’t know if this is the first, or one of a long list. What do I do? I’m already taking my daughter out of the dance school, but I can’t imagine leaving her friend behind to fend for herself.
A: Your daughter did the right thing by telling you. Now you have to tell her that you have to do the right thing yourself and report this. You explain to her there are some confidences that can’t be kept because they reveal that innocent people will be hurt—likely very badly. Because this is so sensitive, you and your daughter could go to a lawyer together to have a confidential conversation about how to best proceed—whether telling the parents only, or the parents and the police—and also clarifying what all this will mean for your daughter. Maybe this kiss was the first (I doubt it), but it won’t be the last. This guy is in pole position as a dance instructor to teenage girls to pick off the most vulnerable ones. He’s not going to stop with a kiss (and even if it’s just kissing, this should be something brought to the attention of law enforcement). Yes, this will be messy and ugly, but messier and uglier will be allowing this pervert to get away with years of abuse. You need to make clear to your daughter that you will be there supporting her every step in this process, but that it must move forward because she has found out about a crime. Also tell her that while her friend may have confessed in confidence, she made the confession because she’s being pressured and doesn’t know what to do. What has to be done is that responsible adults step in and make sure this guy is stopped.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
First of all, you shouldn't promise someone "oh I won't ever tell". You really can't make that kind of promise until you hear the information. So, yeah if something is told that is criminal or dangerous, then you that isn't a promise to keep. She needs to tell her daughter it is the right thing to do.
First of all, you shouldn't promise someone "oh I won't ever tell". You really can't make that kind of promise until you hear the information. So, yeah if something is told that is criminal or dangerous, then you that isn't a promise to keep. She needs to tell her daughter it is the right thing to do.
I agree. I think part of teaching your kid to trust you is that you teach them to come to you about things they need help dealing with. That means when a problem is over there heads they know you will (hopefully) know what the right thing to do is. You get to teach them that sometimes doing the right thing is hard, but it's still the right thing. Parenting isn't just about being a confidante, it's also about knowing what to do with that information.
Also, the mom is afraid if she tells the daughter won't tell her if the guy tries it on her??? Why would you continue to put your daughter somewhere you think that might happen?
