TOTALLY GEEKED!

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
totallygeeked -> totallygeeked general -> Violence at wedding causes family turmoil
Post Info TOPIC: Violence at wedding causes family turmoil
ed11563


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 9186
Date:
Violence at wedding causes family turmoil
Permalink  
 

 

http://www.newsday.com/lifestyle/columnists/ask-amy/violence-at-wedding-causes-family-turmoil-1.9746384 Reprints

This copy is for your personal, non-commercial use only. To order presentation-ready copies for distribution to colleagues, clients or customers, use the Reprints tool at the top of any article or order a reprint of this article now.

Violence at wedding causes family turmoil

December 24, 2014 by AMY DICKINSON / askamy@tribune.com

DEAR AMY: About a year ago, my sister got married in a wonderful elaborate ceremony. Around this same time, it was known within my family that I was struggling through a deep depression. Because it was my sister's day, I gamely attempted to play "happy" and be supportive of her. However, at this wedding weekend, my sister (the bride), my mother and my sister's bridesmaids took it upon themselves to viciously and maliciously attack my (then) girlfriend. The abuse was both verbal and sadly also physical, as a bridesmaid, apparently, shoved my girlfriend off the dance floor. With so many people at the wedding I had not seen in years, it was impossible for me to "guard" her at what was supposed to be a party. This vicious behavior exhibited by my family, coupled with my lack of responsiveness at the time led to our breakup immediately after the wedding. I have tried to move on from this event and continue in therapy, but I am struggling to rebuild any real relationship with my sister or mother and have no real desire to see them. They have never apologized and know how hurt I was by their actions. Am I supposed to just "forgive" and pretend it never happened the way they seem to have?

 

 

advertisement | advertise on newsday

-- Suffering in San Jose

DEAR SUFFERING: Your guest was bullied by family members. Clearly, this is unacceptable on every level.

Bullies never want to acknowledge their own actions. They want to move through life without reflection or apology.

I assume you are discussing this in therapy. This episode requires that you do whatever you need to do to restore your own sense of trust and serenity.

Your family will not offer an apology, but you should ask for one. You should write down your thoughts, including an "ask." Make it as calm and neutral as possible and include the phrase, "For the sake of our relationship, I would like you to acknowledge your actions on that day."

Be prepared that your family may find ways to transfer the responsibility to you.

Your next task should be to reflect on how you can best move forward. It might be best for you to continue to avoid your family members until you can fully accept the reality of their flawed behavior and release your own anger. This is for your sake, not theirs.

< back to article

 



__________________

The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.

Always misinterpret when you can.
Southern_Belle


Nothing's Impossible

Status: Offline
Posts: 16913
Date:
Permalink  
 

Some people will be nasty their whole lives and not see it. They are still family but LW doesn't need to put up with their crap. I'd just keep the bare minimum contact.

__________________

A person's a person no matter how small.
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

It sounds like the Bridesmaid did some of the behavior too. So, his family may not feel responsible for her behavior. I do think he should bring this up with his family and say "this really bothered me and still does" and have that conversation about their part as well.

But, why would they vicsciously attack his GF? Is there some backstory? Not saying their behavior is in anyway justified but it seems odd that they would just attack his GF out of the blue.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
huskerbb


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 10215
Date:
Permalink  
 

It seems VERY odd that a physical altercation occurred without some underlying cause. Not that violence is justified very often, but I think there is probably more to the story, maybe more that the LW doesn't even know.

__________________

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

 

Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

Well, there are some people who are real Aholes so hard to tell. Maybe his family is. Or, maybe there is still an underlying issue but even so, they should have more class than that as well.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

It's been a year. Get over it.

__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

Yeah, that too.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Southern_Belle


Nothing's Impossible

Status: Offline
Posts: 16913
Date:
Permalink  
 

My sisters in laws were like this family. No one talked to anyone because they were all mad at each other for one reason or another. When my sister passed one of the brothers came to the funeral for her, not for his brother.

__________________

A person's a person no matter how small.
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

Who knows? Seems people fight about all kinds of things nowadays.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
ed11563


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 9186
Date:
Permalink  
 

huskerbb wrote:

It seems VERY odd that a physical altercation occurred without some underlying cause. Not that violence is justified very often, but I think there is probably more to the story, maybe more that the LW doesn't even know.

Let me just guess that the LW is female, and showing up with her GF would be cause enough, especially when mixed with alcohol. 

 



__________________

The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.

Always misinterpret when you can.
Southern_Belle


Nothing's Impossible

Status: Offline
Posts: 16913
Date:
Permalink  
 

I'm guessing there was some history between all these ladies.

__________________

A person's a person no matter how small.
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

ed11563 wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

It seems VERY odd that a physical altercation occurred without some underlying cause. Not that violence is justified very often, but I think there is probably more to the story, maybe more that the LW doesn't even know.

Let me just guess that the LW is female, and showing up with her GF would be cause enough, especially when mixed with alcohol. 

 

Why are you assuming this a gay thing? It doesn't say that.

Although in this day and age.... 



__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
ed11563


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 9186
Date:
Permalink  
 

lilyofcourse wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
huskerbb wrote:

It seems VERY odd that a physical altercation occurred without some underlying cause. Not that violence is justified very often, but I think there is probably more to the story, maybe more that the LW doesn't even know.

Let me just guess that the LW is female, and showing up with her GF would be cause enough, especially when mixed with alcohol. 

 

Why are you assuming this a gay thing? It doesn't say that.

Although in this day and age.... 

It was just a guess, based on the lack of information. Also don't know whether the LW is male or female. The letter sounds to me like it was written by a woman.

 



__________________

The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.

Always misinterpret when you can.
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

That's a good point. We really can't tell.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
flan327


Itty bitty's Grammy

Status: Offline
Posts: 28124
Date:
Permalink  
 

lilyofcourse wrote:

It's been a year. Get over it.

 Sure...just accept being treated like trash...

flan



__________________

You are my sun, my moon, and all of my stars.
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

Um. The LW wasn't treated like trash. The LW is a baby. A year later is too long to worry about something that happened to someone else.

__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

Pushing and shoving at a wedding? Yeah I would say that is being treated poorly. Why is the LW supposed to grow up but not the family who behaved that way? Seems like it should be a two way street?

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Pushing and shoving at a wedding? Yeah I would say that is being treated poorly. Why is the LW supposed to grow up but not the family who behaved that way? Seems like it should be a two way street?

About 4 posts ago, you agreed with me.

 



__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

And one person's growing up has NOTHING to do with another's.



__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
Lady Gaga Snerd


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 25897
Date:
Permalink  
 

I do agree with you. He should put it behind him. But, I also agreed there was nothing wrong with approaching the family to discuss it too. And, they might shrug it off , in which case he can decide to let it go or whatever.
On some level it sounds like he/she blames them for losing his/her GF too.

__________________

https://politicsandstuff.proboards.com/
Nobody Just Nobody


Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Status: Offline
Posts: 24026
Date:
Permalink  
 

Was this a one time incident or is this a pattern with the family? If it's one time the LW needs to cut them some slack. He claims to have been "deeply depressed" so that may have colored his perception. If the family treats him like this all the time then he needs to handle it in another way. You don't allow people to treat you poorly. Family or not.

__________________


“You may shoot me with your words, you may cut me with your eyes, you may kill me with your hatefulness, but still, like air, I'll rise!”
― Maya Angelou
Lawyerlady


On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Status: Offline
Posts: 27192
Date:
Permalink  
 

lilyofcourse wrote:

It's been a year. Get over it.

 No.  They were horrible, have not apologized, and can't be trusted around future girlfriends.  Why does he have to get over it?  Why do these people have to be in his life?  You don't get to treat people like crap just b/c they are family and remain family.  They should treat family BETTER b/c they are more important.  This will only get worse if he lets them get away with it.



__________________

LawyerLady

 

I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you. 
lilyofcourse


My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Status: Offline
Posts: 38325
Date:
Permalink  
 

You all assume get over it means allow it to happen again.

That is not what it means.

Don't go around them anymore. Keep them at a safe distance.

But get over it for yourself.

It isn't about them. It is about yourself.

A year ago and still stewing over it? I can guarantee they are not stewing about it. Why keep your blood pressure up over something they have forgotten all about?

Get over it. Move on. It's on them. Not you.

__________________

A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

Charley Harper
ed11563


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 9186
Date:
Permalink  
 

lilyofcourse wrote:

You all assume get over it means allow it to happen again.

That is not what it means.

Don't go around them anymore. Keep them at a safe distance.

But get over it for yourself.

It isn't about them. It is about yourself.

A year ago and still stewing over it? I can guarantee they are not stewing about it. Why keep your blood pressure up over something they have forgotten all about?

Get over it. Move on. It's on them. Not you.

I agree they're not stewing about it. They're more likely to be laughing about it. Even a year later. That reminds them of the feelings of power they had at the time. 

 

 



__________________

The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.

Always misinterpret when you can.
huskerbb


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 10215
Date:
Permalink  
 

ed11563 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:

You all assume get over it means allow it to happen again.

That is not what it means.

Don't go around them anymore. Keep them at a safe distance.

But get over it for yourself.

It isn't about them. It is about yourself.

A year ago and still stewing over it? I can guarantee they are not stewing about it. Why keep your blood pressure up over something they have forgotten all about?

Get over it. Move on. It's on them. Not you.

I agree they're not stewing about it. They're more likely to be laughing about it. Even a year later. That reminds them of the feelings of power they had at the time. 

 

 

They STILL have the power.  What they did is still influencing his actions.

 

Heck, he's not even dating that chick, anymore. 

 

 If he wants to have no further contact with them--fine, that's his decision and a justifiable one.

 

If he wants them to apologize before he will come to family get-togethers, it's not going to happen.

 

If he wants to swallow his pride and come back, my bet is that it would soon be water under the bridge.

 

Whatever he decides, though, he needs to quit being a weenie. 



__________________

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.

 

Well, I could agree with you--but then we'd both be wrong.
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
totallygeeked -> totallygeeked general -> Violence at wedding causes family turmoil


Create your own FREE Forum
Report Abuse 		Powered by ActiveBoard