TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Abby: Wife Can't Make up Her Mind

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Sooo, any of these can't be his job or something he takes care of?

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

I'm terrible at making decisions sometimes. If I were married I'd be fine if my DH made some of them.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Maybe she doesn't care about the same things he does? He can't paint the house or replace the carpets?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

However, she needs to stop saying "i will decide tomorrow' if in fact she is not going to decide tomorrow.

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

My ex and I couldn't agree on anything. That is why things never got done in our house. He wanted me to make decisions but then would disagree with them if they weren't his decisions. Maybe this is what's the problem with the LW'S wife.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Good point. Maybe when she has made the decision he complains. Or maybe right now, she just has enough on her plate of life with other things like 2 kids and who knows what else?

ed11563 · Guru

I kind of have an opposite problem.

Over the years, we've made big decisions together ...

Choosing a house

choosing a bedroom set

choosing carpeting

buying her a car

Every time she was fine with it, UNTIL we moved into the house, got the bedroom set home, installed the carpeting ...

THEN she decided that (1) I made the decision when she didn't like it,

(2) the decision was wrong, and what ever it is, it's awful ...

(3) we need to send it back / cancel / move

and

(4) everything that's wrong is MY fault.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Yes, I have seen people do that too Ed. It is a very passive aggressive way to deal with things. But, for your own sanity, you have to realize that you are not responsible for her happiness. ANd, that no matter what you do, she is likely to be unhappy about it anyway so you might as well please yourself.

ladyloonatic · Regular

Which is why it's good to involve him in decision making or just let him make the decisions.

Maybe she's just not good at decorating and uncomfortable making those decisions.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

And another reason I love being single.

I don't have to think about what a spouse will think.

Freedom!

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

This is simple - on Saturday, you get up and say - we're going to the carpet store to choose new carpet today, and then you go. Narrow it down to 2 choices and let her pick between them, if she says she doesn't care - BELIEVE her and pick yourself. Same with the furniture and everything else. Some people don't want to make the decisions that affect others - so just DO it. It's your house, too.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, DH really doesn't care what I do. It just isn't so much on his radar. So, I just go buy exactly what I want. Problem solved.

karl271 · Guru

Ed, are your sure your wife is always in your home? Sounds just like mine - maybe they are sisters.
But it is really irritating to have them agree, even enthusiastically, and then start finding fault as soon as decision is made; carpet laid, house bought, etc....
I have learned to just grin and bear it. Just the way she is...

Tinydancer · Guru

ed11563 wrote:
I kind of have an opposite problem.
Over the years, we've made big decisions together ...
Choosing a house
choosing a bedroom set
choosing carpeting
buying her a car
Every time she was fine with it, UNTIL we moved into the house, got the bedroom set home, installed the carpeting ...

THEN she decided that (1) I made the decision when she didn't like it,
(2) the decision was wrong, and what ever it is, it's awful ...
(3) we need to send it back / cancel / move
and
(4) everything that's wrong is MY fault.

So you willing allow her to treat you like crap and get away with it? Geez do nothing but complain yet letting her have her way and that's is on you ed. I have no sympathy if you allow and encourage her to be a whackaloon and I don't care about what happened before. We've all had issues but it's freaking time for you both to grow the hell up.

karl271 · Guru

Wow

tlc · Regular

Wow, kind of nasty don't you think tinydancer, when you don't know their background as a couple?

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

**feeling protective of ed**

I don't want to jump on Dancer though. It is frustrating to watch ed go through what he goes through with his wife, seemingly allowing her to walk all over him. But - I have to say that I have a lot of respect for a man who stays with a wife who basically needs 24hr care at the expense of his own life and happiness - technically this is taking the vows of marriage seriously.

Without Ed, this woman would be in a care home - alone and likely abandoned by the rest of her family. Ed continues to give up his life to care for her, and if he needs to come here to vent about it, than I am glad that we can provide a place. I wish for better for Ed though.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Tignanello wrote:
**feeling protective of ed**

I don't want to jump on Dancer though. It is frustrating to watch ed go through what he goes through with his wife, seemingly allowing her to walk all over him. But - I have to say that I have a lot of respect for a man who stays with a wife who basically needs 24hr care at the expense of his own life and happiness - technically this is taking the vows of marriage seriously.

Without Ed, this woman would be in a care home - alone and likely abandoned by the rest of her family. Ed continues to give up his life to care for her, and if he needs to come here to vent about it, than I am glad that we can provide a place. I wish for better for Ed though.

All of this.

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

tlc wrote:
Wow, kind of nasty don't you think tinydancer, when you don't know their background as a couple?

It wasn't nasty. If I had said what I really wanted to that would be nasty. And yes I do know the stories he tells about his wife and what she's been through. I wouldn't appreciate my husband telling a bunch of strangers about things like this, especially if they really did happen. You all continue to think he's some kind of saint and I'll continue to believe he makes most of it up so you'll all think that.

Tinydancer · Guru

If he took his marriage vows seriously we might know he was caring for his invalid wife but not the sordid details of her childhood. He's not helping her by staying and allowing her to continue, he's enabling her to continue. Two very separate things.

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

Tinydancer wrote:
If he took his marriage vows seriously we might know he was caring for his invalid wife but not the sordid details of her childhood. He's not helping her by staying and allowing her to continue, he's enabling her to continue. Two very separate things.

Very true - which is why I wish better for him, but we all use the tools we have.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Tignanello wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
If he took his marriage vows seriously we might know he was caring for his invalid wife but not the sordid details of her childhood. He's not helping her by staying and allowing her to continue, he's enabling her to continue. Two very separate things.
Very true - which is why I wish better for him, but we all use the tools we have.

But, without him, she would not survive.

And most of us share personal details here.

But, by all means, continue to sit in judgment.

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

We all judge flan. My judgement is just as valid as yours. Without him she just MIGHT learn to survive. ed can live his life anyway he wants so I guess this is what HE WANTS. I can see just how much this helps his wife from the leaps and bounds she's making according to him. I felt he needed to hear something other than the same old thing. Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results is just stupid.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Tinydancer wrote:
We all judge flan. My judgement is just as valid as yours. Without him she just MIGHT learn to survive. ed can live his life anyway he wants so I guess this is what HE WANTS. I can see just how much this helps his wife from the leaps and bounds she's making according to him. I felt he needed to hear something other than the same old thing. Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results is just stupid.

He gets plenty of criticism here.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

If you are 18 and your life is messed up, yeah ,you can blame your parents, your teachers, etc. If you are 40+ and your life is messed up, that's on you. And, by living the way she does she is continually confirming the actions of her abusers and allowing them to continue to abuse her so much that they she has thrown away her life and let them win. It's really sad.

Tinydancer · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
We all judge flan. My judgement is just as valid as yours. Without him she just MIGHT learn to survive. ed can live his life anyway he wants so I guess this is what HE WANTS. I can see just how much this helps his wife from the leaps and bounds she's making according to him. I felt he needed to hear something other than the same old thing. Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results is just stupid.
He gets plenty of criticism here.
flan

I've yet to see any and if that's true why jump on me for voicing my opinion that it's time to try something different. Two lives lost just so he can say "I kept my wedding vows" is really very wrong.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I do agree though that one person cannot save or fix another person. That is something she has to choose and decide for herself.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Tinydancer wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
We all judge flan. My judgement is just as valid as yours. Without him she just MIGHT learn to survive. ed can live his life anyway he wants so I guess this is what HE WANTS. I can see just how much this helps his wife from the leaps and bounds she's making according to him. I felt he needed to hear something other than the same old thing. Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results is just stupid.
He gets plenty of criticism here.
flan
I've yet to see any and if that's true why jump on me for voicing my opinion that it's time to try something different. Two lives lost just so he can say "I kept my wedding vows" is really very wrong.

Not my problem.

And I'm not the only one who disagreed with you in this thread.

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

I never said it was your problem so what has that got to do with it...lol People can disagree with me all they want just like I can disagree with them. I guess you really do think he's helping her. Well I really believe he's hurting her so we'll agree to disagree. Oh and I do know that others agree with you but I think some agree with me but you go ahead and keep convincing him he's doing the right thing as it gets worse and worse.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

No one here is going to "convince" ed of anything.

flan

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

Its not about agreeing or disagreeing or arguing, but about respecting his choices. Yes, I often remind him that he has options and that both he and his wife need help, but in the end I have to let him make his own decisions.

What I don't do is name call and say things like "allow and encourage her to be a whackaloon and I don't care about what happened before." or "grow the hell up". Those things don't contribute to the discussion and make people feel defensive or protective. This is where I take issue.

Ed puts his stuff out there, so we all get to discuss, give advice, comment, etc., but some parts of your post are really mean and unnecessary.

Tinydancer · Guru

Coddling and saying what he wants to hear is mean and unnecessary. If you all want to be defensive or protective go right ahead. I really believe you are doing him a disservice and that's my opinion. I don't think it was mean to tell him that it's not working. You just think it's mean because it's easier to just go along.

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

Tinydancer wrote:
Coddling and saying what he wants to hear is mean and unnecessary. If you all want to be defensive or protective go right ahead. I really believe you are doing him a disservice and that's my opinion. I don't think it was mean to tell him that it's not working. You just think it's mean because it's easier to just go along.

It's not mean to tell him it's not working. Its mean to call his wife a whackaloon and tell him to 'grow the hell up'.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Tignanello wrote:
Tinydancer wrote:
Coddling and saying what he wants to hear is mean and unnecessary. If you all want to be defensive or protective go right ahead. I really believe you are doing him a disservice and that's my opinion. I don't think it was mean to tell him that it's not working. You just think it's mean because it's easier to just go along.
It's not mean to tell him it's not working. Its mean to call his wife a whackaloon and tell him to 'grow the hell up'.

It's really NOT rocket science...

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

He is helping to make it worse does need to grow up and start making different decisions because what he's doing is obviously not working. I didn't say his wife was a whackaloon I said he encourages her to be one. If you disagree with that fine just don't start with the "you're being mean".

Tinydancer · Guru

No it's not rocket science flan. It's common sense.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Tinydancer wrote:
No it's not rocket science flan. It's common sense.

I'm sorry you can't see how your posts came across.

flan

Tinydancer · Guru

I'm sorry you can't see how yours come across as well. Being condescending while pretending you're so much smarter really does not make you look smarter.

Honeys_Mom · Mod & Permanent Board Sweetheart

This seems to have become the Ed Thread.

I believe Ed knows it isn't 'working' and I also believe he accepts that 'it is what it is', as so many of us have to in order to live our lives in a manner we can at least be somewhat proud of in hindsight. I'm glad he can vent here.

I do agree with you, TD, in theory - but Ed is already grown up. Like me, too much water has passed under the bridge to change what 'is'. It is truly just too late in the game for the players to drastically change what they have become. There's a good reason for the 'old dogs and new tricks' adage.

But what we can do, he and I both, is try our best to behave in a manner consistent with the beliefs we personally hold dear, as difficult as that may be for others who ultimately are frustrated simply because they desire better for us.

TD, I'm glad you're here and I don't really think you're mean. I think you're a very straight talker and though most here will tell you that Honey's Mom hates anything resembling 'fighting', I admit I rather enjoy watching you and Husker go head-to-head... biggrin

chef · Guru

The OP: Perhaps the wife has been yelled at for making decisions others didn't like and decided she just won't be the one to decide.

Ed: I think Ed is a sweet man who is making the best out of a bad situation. I'm sure he loves his wife in spite of getting frustrated with her behavior. I can't imagine life in his shoes and I don't have the patience he does. However, I'm always willing to listen when he vents. Perhaps he doesn't want a solution. Perhaps he just wants to blow off steam. He's doing the best he can and it isn't easy.

huskerbb · Guru

chef wrote:
The OP: Perhaps the wife has been yelled at for making decisions others didn't like and decided she just won't be the one to decide.

Ed: I think Ed is a sweet man who is making the best out of a bad situation. I'm sure he loves his wife in spite of getting frustrated with her behavior. I can't imagine life in his shoes and I don't have the patience he does. However, I'm always willing to listen when he vents. Perhaps he doesn't want a solution. Perhaps he just wants to blow off steam. He's doing the best he can and it isn't easy.

I'm going to bet it's the husband who has been criticized for making certain decisions--BY HIS WIFE--and that's why he's hesitant to make them unilaterally, which I what I would do.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

So u would just be indecisive and passive aggressive and blame her? That is different how?

Tinydancer · Guru

Husker being indecisive just doesn't work. Is there such a word as overdecisive...lol. Not that i could ever see Husker in this position in the first place.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Yeah I'm sure husker just stands back and says" oh no I just don't wanna make a decision". Not.

huskerbb · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
So u would just be indecisive and passive aggressive and blame her? That is different how?

No, I would make a decision and if she didn't like it--having had the opportunity to do so, herself--tough taters.

He's obviously not like that, though.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Tough taters is always a good response, lol.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I'm not eating the taters if they're tough!

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

You'll eat them and you'll like them!!

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
You'll eat them and you'll like them!!

YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME...............

flan