TOTALLY GEEKED!

ed11563 · Guru

Thank God Someone Finally Fixed It.

burns07 · Guru

if the writer thinks the second version is " fixed " then she's a little broken herself

Ohfour · Hooker

Its a custom here in the South. I hope it never changes. I know very few women whose husbands didn't ask their father for his blessing. And the ones that did are still happily married.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Ohfour wrote:
Its a custom here in the South. I hope it never changes. I know very few women whose husbands didn't ask their father for his blessing. And the ones that did are still happily married.

I don't like the tradition at all. If a guy ever asked DH for one of DD's hands, DH would say no because he is asking the wrong person. I find it rather patronizing and silly.

Grown women who live on their own don't need their father's permission to do anything.

That said, I have not heard of the song in the OP.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Mellow Momma wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
Its a custom here in the South. I hope it never changes. I know very few women whose husbands didn't ask their father for his blessing. And the ones that did are still happily married.
I don't like the tradition at all. If a guy ever asked DH for one of DD's hands, DH would say no because he is asking the wrong person. I find it rather patronizing and silly.
Grown women who live on their own don't need their father's permission to do anything.

That said, I have not heard of the song in the OP.

I haven't heard the song either. If the tradition works for you, that's nice...but it does represent the antiquated notion that a woman = property.

flan

Ohfour · Hooker

Its not asking the dad to give away his daughter, its asking for his blessing. And I think its sweet and respectful.

Ohfour · Hooker

flan327 wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
Its a custom here in the South. I hope it never changes. I know very few women whose husbands didn't ask their father for his blessing. And the ones that did are still happily married.
I don't like the tradition at all. If a guy ever asked DH for one of DD's hands, DH would say no because he is asking the wrong person. I find it rather patronizing and silly.
Grown women who live on their own don't need their father's permission to do anything.

That said, I have not heard of the song in the OP.
I haven't heard the song either. If the tradition works for you, that's nice...but it does represent the antiquated notion that a woman = property.
flan

How does asking for a blessing = property? And if dad is expected to pay for the wedding, you sure as hell better get his blessing...

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Ohfour wrote:
Its not asking the dad to give away his daughter, its asking for his blessing. And I think its sweet and respectful.

I am glad you like it.

It isnt something our family thinks is respectful to women. Why not ask the mother for her blessing? Why ask before asking the woman if she will marry him? Kind of puts the cart before the horse. Also, my daughter is free to make her own mistakes. She is a grown woman and if she thinks it's the right thing to do, who am I to tell her differently?

aergia · Regular

dd and sil are 30. Both relatively well brought up. After they had been committed to one another for some time =living together: it was a foregone knowledge there would be a marriage. SIL still called me to ask for a blessing. I gave it to him without hesitation. Then I told him, if DD turns you down, you are still in the family.
Permission, no, blessing, yes.
I heard xDH asked him a lot of questions, really? Things we had not all talked about before we got to this? Now?

They're married and by all accounts happy and solvent. I consider myself a retired mom.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

I paid for both my weddings.

I think a lot depends on the age of the woman, as well. If you have a career, if you've been living together...I just don't get it.

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

It wasnt broken. t didn't need fixed.

It is respectful to speak to the father or mother if the father is unavailable and ask for their blessing.

At one time, yes it was permission. The father would ask things like how he planned on providing for the daughter. Where they were going to live. Things like that.

Now it is more about ceremony.

And for someone to be offended that their potential SIL wants his potential inlaws blessing is really strange. You are going to be family. He is basically asking if he can join your family.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

If a family (not a father, because it is OUR money not HIS money, kind of like she is OUR daughter not HIS daughter) decides to pay for a wedding, that is a gift. Not something to be earned or asked for or whatever. I don't give gifts with strings attached.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

lilyofcourse wrote:
It wasnt broken. t didn't need fixed.

It is respectful to speak to the father or mother if the father is unavailable and ask for their blessing.

At one time, yes it was permission. The father would ask things like how he planned on providing for the daughter. Where they were going to live. Things like that.

Now it is more about ceremony.

And for someone to be offended that their potential SIL wants his potential inlaws blessing is really strange. You are going to be family. He is basically asking if he can join your family.

You don't join a family by asking. You join through your actions.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

This is one of those gracious moments that are now considered offensive.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

lilyofcourse wrote:
This is one of those gracious moments that are now considered offensive.

Times change. Many women work outside the home.

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

So? what does that have to do with anything? Nothing.

It's a pleasantry. A nicety. A gesture.

It isn't anything more.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

lilyofcourse wrote:
So? what does that have to do with anything? Nothing.

It's a pleasantry. A nicety. A gesture.

It isn't anything more.

It has a lot to do with the matter at hand. A woman used to go directly from her father's house to her husband's.

flan

Ohfour · Hooker

But now she doesn't. Its a tradition. One that hurts absolutely no one. If it makes everyone involved happy, why do you care?

Ilumine · Regular

lilyofcourse wrote:
It wasnt broken. t didn't need fixed.

It is respectful to speak to the father or mother if the father is unavailable and ask for their blessing.

At one time, yes it was permission. The father would ask things like how he planned on providing for the daughter. Where they were going to live. Things like that.

Now it is more about ceremony.

And for someone to be offended that their potential SIL wants his potential inlaws blessing is really strange. You are going to be family. He is basically asking if he can join your family.

How can you justify this response given the bible is very clear in Genesis 2:24?

The point of marriage in God's eye and command is not to join another family, but to leave and create a new family. If one needs permission or blessing to marry and create a new family, then maybe that indicates that the couple is not ready to do so, at the very least in the eyes of the father/mother expecting the question.

burns07 · Guru

it's a matter of honor--both my married sisters' husbands sought my father's blessing before they married--one of the guys is American, the other a foreign national / American

i asked my lady's father for her hand and for his blessing as well ( he is a foreign national / American )

given that my father loved both my sisters very much and that my father-in-law was blessing the marriage of his only daughter ( his angel )there was no question that their consent was crucial

it wasn't a matter of " property " at all--all of the ladies involved had already consented to marry their respective grooms-to-be

fathers ( if living, of course ) are considered the head of their families--it is natural to seek their blessing and consent--a matter of honor

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Can't people just lighten up? It's a dang song.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

VetteGirl wrote:
Can't people just lighten up? It's a dang song.

And for the win!

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

No one is trying to outlaw the tradition. Some of us just don't understand it.

flan

chef · Guru

DH asked my father for his blessing. My father likes stuff like that so he was quite pleased to be asked.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Ohfour wrote:
But now she doesn't. Its a tradition. One that hurts absolutely no one. If it makes everyone involved happy, why do you care?

I don't. I specifically said I was happy that your family enjoyed it. My family does not. No big darn deal. We find it outdated and offensive in that it belittles not only the mother's role but the daughter's autonomy. If you like it, good for you!

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I don't understand how it belittles anyone.

Seems like another instance of looking for a reason to be offended.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

lilyofcourse wrote:
I don't understand how it belittles anyone.

Seems like another instance of looking for a reason to be offended.

Because you are talking about asking the father for his blessing. What about asking the mother as well? Not one of you has mentioned that except in the case where the father was absent. DH and I are a parenting team, we make decisions together. Anyone who didn't get that would not be considered "family" to us.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

And both my mother and my father walked me down the aisle. And the minister did not say "who gives this woman..."

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

lilyofcourse wrote:
I don't understand how it belittles anyone.

Seems like another instance of looking for a reason to be offended.

Some of us disagree. Period. We're not "looking for a reason to be offended."

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Guess it is a regional thing.

My father gave me away. My father also took me back in.

Yes my mom also did these things. But she is secure enough in her role to not be offended by any of it.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

It isn't about being secure in your role. It's about other people respecting your role.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I fully expect my dad to give C away when she gets married some day. I will sit and smile and cry in my MOTB seat.

It wont mean that my role has be disrespected. It will be that I am honored with my place and my dad will be honored for his part in her raising.

I also will be happy if the potential SIL came to my dad to ask for my daughter's hand. Why? Because I know my dad would be thrilled by it.

It isn't about disrespecting anyone.

I don't understand the "what about me" attitude of some.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

lilyofcourse wrote:
I fully expect my dad to give C away when she gets married some day. I will sit and smile and cry in my MOTB seat.

It wont mean that my role has be disrespected. It will be that I am honored with my place and my dad will be honored for his part in her raising.

I also will be happy if the potential SIL came to my dad to ask for my daughter's hand. Why? Because I know my dad would be thrilled by it.

It isn't about disrespecting anyone.

I don't understand the "what about me" attitude of some.

Because simply put...if a man wants his position respected, you say it's tradition and it's respectful. But when a woman wants her position respected, you say it's "what about me" and "insecure".

It is about being a parenting team. And I am not trying to be mean here, but maybe you don't understand because that isn't the way you have parented your children. You don't have a spouse and so you don't understand how every conversation about the kids involves dialogue, an exchanging of ideas, coming to an agreement with your best friend and life partner about how you will proceed as a team. Then, on the most important day of that child's life, to be relegated to the side while one person stands up on behalf of the family...oh hell no. We wiped her ass together, we cleaned her puke together, we waved goodbye on prom night together, we walk down the aisle together.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

lilyofcourse wrote:
Guess it is a regional thing.

My father gave me away. My father also took me back in.

Yes my mom also did these things. But she is secure enough in her role to not be offended by any of it.

Your father didn't take you back in...your PARENTS took you back in. Failure to highlight your mother's role in helping you out is rude, IMHO.

Divine Geek · Guru

If that day comes and my potential husband asks my father his "permission" my dad will say "you're asking the wrong person. I haven't been able to tell her what to do since she started to walk. But good luck with her, you'll need it"

My mother nor I would be offended or belittled by this act. actually, we would all have a good laugh about it. My dad is an imposing and intimidating man. But he'll be the first to tell a suitor he's the least of their problems :)

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I guess head of the house is only an antiquated notion for lots of people.

But I don't have a problem with a man being the head of the house.

If he is following the guidelines set forth by God himself then he is going to do what is in the best interest of everyone.

I really don't get the big deal. I don't see how anyone is being slighted or disrespected.

Should I feel disrespected if my daughter asks her grandfather to give her away? Why? He loves her just as much as I do.

I just really don't see how this tradition could offend anyone. It's rather silly that it would.

tlc · Regular

My sister's first husband asked my dad before he asked my sister for his blessing, and it was really embarrassing for my dad. He's not the type that wants to be asked. He basically told him ask her, not me. My dad thought it was silly to ask him because future BIL should have asked her. But we live in the Midwest. I do think it is regional. Kind of like the "Miss firstname", "Mr. Firstname". We don't do that here either.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

We do that. It is considered right and proper here.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Yes, head of the household IS an antiquated notion for a lot of us. We jointly head up this home. Neither of us defers to the other. We make decisions together and raised our daughters to make their own choices until the time comes that they get married. Then they enter into a partnership.

Ohfour · Hooker

Mellow Momma wrote:
Yes, head of the household IS an antiquated notion for a lot of us. We jointly head up this home. Neither of us defers to the other. We make decisions together and raised our daughters to make their own choices until the time comes that they get married. Then they enter into a partnership.

So then I assume that your husband won't, "give your daughter away" or be asked by the pastor, "who gives Jane to be married to John". I've yet to attend a wedding where this didn't happen.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

I think it's a nice tradition, and it shows that the potential fiance has the respect to ask the father. The father is the one parent us girls typically strive to gain respect from. We have spent our entire lives with mom and getting her feedback, needing to talk on subjects that dad wouldn't talk about, etc.

If one doesn't like that tradition, or finds it offensive, fine, but leave the rest of us alone. I, for one, would love to have a boy ask me or DD's father for DD's hand in marriage. To me it means he respects ME, DD's father, and DD enough to involve us all. Of course, by the time he asks me, he and DD would have already decided, and that is fine.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Mellow Momma wrote:
Yes, head of the household IS an antiquated notion for a lot of us. We jointly head up this home. Neither of us defers to the other. We make decisions together and raised our daughters to make their own choices until the time comes that they get married. Then they enter into a partnership.

There is something to say for tradition, it teaches respect and up holds it.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Ohfour wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Yes, head of the household IS an antiquated notion for a lot of us. We jointly head up this home. Neither of us defers to the other. We make decisions together and raised our daughters to make their own choices until the time comes that they get married. Then they enter into a partnership.
So then I assume that your husband won't, "give your daughter away" or be asked by the pastor, "who gives Jane to be married to John". I've yet to attend a wedding where this didn't happen.

it didn't happen at MY wedding, so why would it happen at our DD's?

Those questions are also antiquated. ETA: when we talked to our minister about the ceremony, we got to the processional and I mentioned that I didn't like the "who gives this woman" part and our minister said something to the effect of "we dont do that part anymore so it won't be an issue". We were married in 1991.

-- Edited by Mellow Momma on Saturday 17th of January 2015 06:43:00 PM

-- Edited by Mellow Momma on Saturday 17th of January 2015 06:43:34 PM

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

If you read up thread, my parents both walked me down the aisle and the minister did NOT ask "who gives this woman". We also did not "obey" in our vows.

In our church, the groom's parents also walk him down the aisle jointly.

NAOW · Vette's SS

My husband went to my mom and step dad and let them know he was proposing before he asked me. I don't think he asked them anything but I know my mom was touched that he told her. My dad walked me down the aisle and when the preacher asked who gave me away he said 'her mother and I do' which I thought was nice since they'd barely spoken since they divorced. If Dd's want dh t walk them down the aisle I would be ok with him standing for the both of us. I would also be OK with them choosing to walk by themselves or with both of us.

burns07 · Guru

Neither of us defers to the other.

Those questions are also antiquated.
_____________________________

as to the first, that's your problem--as to the second, that's your perspective

at both of my sister's weddings and at my own, when asked " who gives this woman to be married to this man ? " on each occasion respectively, both my own father and my father-in-law responded " Her mother and I do. "

there was no dishonor/disrespect towards my own mother or my mother-in-law--to take offense or to presume some sort of condescension or disrespect from the same is just loony

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

burns07 wrote:

Neither of us defers to the other.

Those questions are also antiquated.
_____________________________

as to the first, that's your problem--as to the second, that's your perspective

Actually, I dont have a problem. I am one of the few female posters here still married to the father of both my children. My first and only marriage. So not deferring to each other has served us quite well the last 20 plus years.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Mellow Momma wrote:
burns07 wrote:

Neither of us defers to the other.

Those questions are also antiquated.
_____________________________

as to the first, that's your problem--as to the second, that's your perspective

Actually, I dont have a problem. I am one of the few female posters here still married to the father of both my children. My first and only marriage. So not deferring to each other has served us quite well the last 20 plus years.

LOL!!!

That sounds like something Husker would say!!!

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Why? I don't get it.

And it's true.

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

Mellow Momma wrote:
burns07 wrote:

Neither of us defers to the other.

Those questions are also antiquated.
_____________________________

as to the first, that's your problem--as to the second, that's your perspective

Actually, I dont have a problem. I am one of the few female posters here still married to the father of both my children. My first and only marriage. So not deferring to each other has served us quite well the last 20 plus years.

I'm still married to my one and only.. Still married. 3 Kids.

Anniversary is June 20,1981.

Never even had sex with anyone other than my husband.

I guess, I'm old school.

TOTALLY GEEKED!

It's One Of The Most Popular Songs In The World Right Now. Thank God Someone Finally Fixed It.

You know that popular song we're all singing?

Have you listened to the lyrics to "Rude"?

The new and improved version.