TOTALLY GEEKED!

Well, I think the clue that mom must "make her feel like a Queen" is a part of the problem, lol.

Oh LGS, I fully understand the "queen" concept on your birthday. They (the rest of the family) are celebrating their happiness at having you with them.

Maybe instead of expressing her very understandable hurt, she could express to her grandparents her puzzlement as to why they gave her the thank-you cards. Maybe they confused her with another granddaughter, who was negligent in sending her thank-yous!

There are a lot of ways to say Thank You besides writing and mailing a note. And, I guess some people find a hand written note as the ONLY acceptable means of saying Thank You.

Queens don't have to thank people, lol.

If the cards were given because she never acknowledges and thanks them for gifts recieved, I think they should get the message - it was not the only gift, and grandparents are not random strangers, they are also capable of giving etiquette lessons.

For my nephews' birthday gifts - I gave them the hint by adding delivery confirmation to their packages since they would never even tell me they got them.

Grandparents tend to be more traditional, and they like their notes, but if she always expresses her gratitude, then I understand why she might be hurt.

On the other hand, maybe they were pretty cards, and they thought she could use them. But, I think they were sending a message.

Maybe grandma was unsure what to get her, so she went with an impersonal gift card then tried to think of something practical the girl could use to make it a smidge more personal. She got this birthday, and likely a graduation looming. Surely she can find a use for them. Of course if she feels called out on not expressing gratitude, perhaps she needs to do a little self reflection....

I read the letter as,
Her grandparents possibly live away and do not attend the lavish balls the granddaughter is thrown. Maybe they have never received a phone call or a thank you from her, so this year, since she is quite old enough to have outgrown this farce, they sent her something that she needs to put to good use. The fact that a 17 year old is crestfallen over receiving thank you notes from her grandparents speaks volumes. I don't she the grandmother as a beyotch, I see the mother and granddaughter as such...

I quit sending stuff to nieces/nephews the third time I don't get any acknowledgement of a gift. With most, this happened years ago. The last niece (a college senior), just failed for the third time. Her birthday is next week. She will get a hearty well wish on Facebook. Period.

And truly, I'm not a stickler for a handwritten note. I will gladly accept a FB message, text, phone call, email...

Ohfour wrote:

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JPT wrote:

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I quit sending stuff to nieces/nephews the third time I don't get any acknowledgement of a gift. With most, this happened years ago. The last niece (a college senior), just failed for the third time. Her birthday is next week. She will get a hearty well wish on Facebook. Period.

And truly, I'm not a stickler for a handwritten note. I will gladly accept a FB message, text, phone call, email...

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I agree JPT.  But there are some (like my mother and her generation) that still expect a hand written note.  They are becoming fewer and fewer.   I don't see a problem with making those few people happy with a hand written note.  It takes what, 10 minutes? 

-- Edited by Ohfour on Thursday 22nd of January 2015 09:41:39 AM

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 Sadly, hand some of these millenials an envelope, a stamp and a pen, and they are totally lost....

I don't find that sad. Communication changes. We went from smoke signals to carrier pigeon to the Pony Express to telephones to Fed Ex to email and now texting and twittering. I don't see how it somehow wrong to thank someone this way and not that way or vice versa?

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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I don't find that sad. Communication changes. We went from smoke signals to carrier pigeon to the Pony Express to telephones to Fed Ex to email and now texting and twittering. I don't see how it somehow wrong to thank someone this way and not that way or vice versa?

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I prefer to thank people in a way that they find pleasing.  Why would you want to insult someone that just spent time and money on sending you a gift.   

JPT wrote:

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FNW wrote:

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It is sad, JPT. I can remember my brother and I getting excited when we heard the mail truck roll past our house. We had a mail slot in our front door and we'd practically tackle each other to get to the mail first. Especially when we were expecting the new issue of T.V. Guide.

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 LOL, did you mark the shows you were going to watch?!  My late FIL did that as soon as the issue arrived, marked the entire week.  Of course, all he ever did was sit and watch television, all day...

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 I didn't, but my brother probably did.  He also used to draw mustaches, beards, devil horns, etc., on whoever was on the cover.  The big one was the one that had the new fall shows.  

OMG! I completely overlooked the gift card part! Yeah, she needs to be brought down a notch or two. I would have been happy if she had just received the thank you notes. The gift card was a bonus...

My SIL gave me lovely blank cards once. Use them in a pinch all the time.

But I think Grandma here was making a point.

The poor little princess' feelings were deflated.

You know, the gift was a bit impersonal and I am wondering if that is what the OP is upset about and not the thank you notes per se.

While any gift should be opened and acknowledged with gratitude and humility...can be upsetting for a child to open a gift from a grandparent that is totally impersonal and could be given to the postman as easily as the grandchild. If the birthday celebrant thinks of his/her birthday as a milestone and the grandparent gives a gift that says "I put zero thought into this" it is upsetting.

We have this problem every year with my FIL. It took DD's until they were about 15 or 16 to realize all they were going to get for their birthdays, every year, was a $25 gift card to Barnes and Noble. In the meantime they watched their grandfather purchase extremely personal thoughtful gifts for other members of the family.

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Let's not be obtuse. It was a slam at the kid for not sending thank you notes. Whether well deserved or not.

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C'mon...LET'S be obtuse!

It's fun.

flan 

Note to self: Never EVER give Itty bitty "Thank you" notes.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

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Let's not be obtuse. It was a slam at the kid for not sending thank you notes. Whether well deserved or not.

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 I agree.

I agree Lily. If you are given a gift, even if you hate it, you accept it graciously and thank the giver. It's the mannerly thing to do.

That doesn't remove the sting from being given a gift that could have easily been given to a total stranger.

Every year, my kids get a $25 gift card to Barnes and Noble for their birthday. Which they graciuosly accept and give thanks for. Then they watch as my FIL gives extravagant, well thought out, very personal gifts to all the other grand children. Tell me that wouldn't hurt your feelings.

My girls are not entitled and are happy just to have their family at their parties. But it does hurt their feelings when the gift they are given was purchased at the convenience store on the way to the party and the gifts be other grandchildren are given are planned weeks in advance, ordered specially, and thought out to the last detail. It hurts their feelings that their grandparent doesn't love them enough to do the same for them.

Mellow Momma wrote:

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I agree Lily. If you are given a gift, even if you hate it, you accept it graciously and thank the giver. It's the mannerly thing to do.

That doesn't remove the sting from being given a gift that could have easily been given to a total stranger.

Every year, my kids get a $25 gift card to Barnes and Noble for their birthday. Which they graciuosly accept and give thanks for. Then they watch as my FIL gives extravagant, well thought out, very personal gifts to all the other grand children. Tell me that wouldn't hurt your feelings.

My girls are not entitled and are happy just to have their family at their parties. But it does hurt their feelings when the gift they are given was purchased at the convenience store on the way to the party and the gifts be other grandchildren are given are planned weeks in advance, ordered specially, and thought out to the last detail. It hurts their feelings that their grandparent doesn't love them enough to do the same for them.

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 I love gift cards to B&N but I unstand why they felt slighted when the other grandchildren got extravagant gifts.

Whay does their grandfather not treat them like the rest of his grandkids?

 

The short answer is...he doesn't treat any of us the same so I can only assume he doesn't like us.

About 6 years ago, my SIL got a new digital camera for Christmas from FIL and I got a $25 gift card to a store we didn't even have in town. She was mortified for me. I had to pull her aside and tell her it was ok and not to worry about it.

You are right Lily, life isn't fair and our kids do need to learn that lesson. Sometimes though you don't expect to have to learn that lesson from family. Family is supposed to make you feel better not worse. At least that is the way I was brought up.

Dd once got Oreos from my FIL as a gift. The other grandchild got a $75 lego set.

Mellow Momma wrote:

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Dd once got Oreos from my FIL as a gift. The other grandchild got a $75 lego set.

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 That sucks!  My family always got equal.  My mom to the point that in our Christmas stocking my brother's wife & I got practically identical & my SO at the time got almost identical to my brother.  My nieces are 7 years apart in age so they got age appropriate but very equal gifts.  Favoritism is not fun when you aren't the favorite.