TOTALLY GEEKED!

FNW · Guru

RE: Dear Miss Manners: Daughter Received Insulting Birthday Gift From Grandma

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Even though Grandma is hurt, there is a time and place to teach someone a lesson. I think what they did was kind of childish and yes it made their point, but I doubt their relationship will ever be the same. Sorry, kids take people for granted. And, I am sure that I took my parents for granted for many years when I was a young adult and focused on me, me, me and getting my life put together. No doubt my mom bit her tongue many times over the years. I mean, I was a loving daughter and respectful but I am sure there are times I was simply hyperfocused on myself and not them. Fortunately, as you grow older and have your own children, you come to realize those things and I feel very fortunate to have the relationship that I did with my mom who was the most gracious of women. And, her character was such that she would never have worn her wounds on her sleeve and done that to her granddaughter. I really can't imagine my mom taking the liberty to slam my daughter. She just wouldn't, whether well deserved or not.

Ohfour · Hooker

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Even though Grandma is hurt, there is a time and place to teach someone a lesson. I think what they did was kind of childish and yes it made their point, but I doubt their relationship will ever be the same. Sorry, kids take people for granted. And, I am sure that I took my parents for granted for many years when I was a young adult and focused on me, me, me and getting my life put together. No doubt my mom bit her tongue many times over the years. I mean, I was a loving daughter and respectful but I am sure there are times I was simply hyperfocused on myself and not them. Fortunately, as you grow older and have your own children, you come to realize those things and I feel very fortunate to have the relationship that I did with my mom who was the most gracious of women. And, her character was such that she would never have worn her wounds on her sleeve and done that to her granddaughter. I really can't imagine my mom taking the liberty to slam my daughter. She just wouldn't, whether well deserved or not.

I don't think grandma is hurt. I think she expects a certain behavior and will do what needs to be done to receive that. This is probably not the first time this has been addressed, so she decided to make a strong point. If I were the grandmother, I wouldn't have even bothered with a gift card. VSS should feel lucky that she even got that...

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Ohfour wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Even though Grandma is hurt, there is a time and place to teach someone a lesson. I think what they did was kind of childish and yes it made their point, but I doubt their relationship will ever be the same. Sorry, kids take people for granted. And, I am sure that I took my parents for granted for many years when I was a young adult and focused on me, me, me and getting my life put together. No doubt my mom bit her tongue many times over the years. I mean, I was a loving daughter and respectful but I am sure there are times I was simply hyperfocused on myself and not them. Fortunately, as you grow older and have your own children, you come to realize those things and I feel very fortunate to have the relationship that I did with my mom who was the most gracious of women. And, her character was such that she would never have worn her wounds on her sleeve and done that to her granddaughter. I really can't imagine my mom taking the liberty to slam my daughter. She just wouldn't, whether well deserved or not.
I don't think grandma is hurt. I think she expects a certain behavior and will do what needs to be done to receive that. This is probably not the first time this has been addressed, so she decided to make a strong point. If I were the grandmother, I wouldn't have even bothered with a gift card. VSS should feel lucky that she even got that...

Then in my opinion you are putting your need to be "right" over your relationship with your grandchild.

IF the granddaughter needs to write thank yous and doesn't, then the grandmother needs to take it up with her parents. Using a gift giving occasion to try and teach her a lesson is petty. Matching rude behavior with more rude behavior isn't the answer.

The grandmother should speak to her child and inquire about the thank yous. If that doesnt work, maybe talking to the grandchild would! Have her over for a fun day together and in the course of the day, bring it up casually. "You know Sarah, you are such a sweet girl, it always surprised me that you don't aknowledge your gifts with a thank you note. Have you ever thought about doing that?" She might be surprised at what the granddaughter had to say. Maybe her parents told her she doesn't need to be so formal with her grandmother and it's all a huge misunderstanding.

Waiting until there is a gift giving occasion and then giving a gift like that is passive aggressive and meant to hurt her. Yhe lesson she meant to teach will be lost and the relationship won't be the same. I hope a thank you note was worth the relationship with her granddaughter.

Ohfour · Hooker

How do you know she didn't? For all we know, Grandmother has been talking to her about it for years and has been ignored. With the sense of entitlement the mother conveys, this would not surprise me at all. She got her a gift card. And a package of thank you notes. I don't believe for a minute that something the grandmother finds something this important has gone unmentioned...my mother harps on it EVERY occasion.

-- Edited by Ohfour on Thursday 22nd of January 2015 03:21:52 PM

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Ohfour wrote:
How do you know she didn't? For all we know, Grandmother has been talking to her about it for years and has been ignored. With the sense of entitlement the mother conveys, this would not surprise me at all. She got her a gift card. And a package of thank you notes. I don't believe for a minute that something the grandmother finds something this important has gone unmentioned...my mother harps on it EVERY occasion.

-- Edited by Ohfour on Thursday 22nd of January 2015 03:21:52 PM

I would think the OP would have mentioned something about having a conversation about thank you notes with the grandmother before. Perhaps not.

Even if that's the case, the grandmother handled it poorly. You don't match rude behavior with rude behavior. is a thank you note so darned important that you would let it damage your relationship with your family? Writing them is the right thing to do, that is undeniable. To not aknowledge a gift is rude. But as a grandmother, is this the hill you want to die on? No thanks. Not me.

Ohfour · Hooker

The OP is a delusional nut case. Her daughter is 17 and is "crestfallen" over a gift card and a pack of thank you notes. Get a freakin life.

Plus, I don't think its rude at all. As I said before, I love getting stationery. Thank you notes and all.

And yes, this may be the hill she wants to die on. As I said, my mother harps on ALL of us, (me, my sister, our kids, our cousins) until she gets a hand written note. Hasn't damaged any relationship at all. If it does damage the relationship, that's all on the mother and granddaughter.

NAOW · Vette's SS

I love getting stationery and cards. I like seeing what other people pick out for me. I would not be offended at all to get that.

After reading this, I feel like I should point out that the cards I give to my SS every year (that my mom makes) are in no way some passive aggressive hint. It never occurred to me that someone would take it that way. Now I am going to think twice about giving cards to people.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

NAOW wrote:
I love getting stationery and cards. I like seeing what other people pick out for me. I would not be offended at all to get that.

After reading this, I feel like I should point out that the cards I give to my SS every year (that my mom makes) are in no way some passive aggressive hint. It never occurred to me that someone would take it that way. Now I am going to think twice about giving cards to people.

I don't think the OP got handmade stationary, which is a wonderful and thoughtful gift. It says she was given "a packet of thank you" cards which sounds passive aggressive.

I woldbe touched to be given be given stationary or handmade cards. That sounds lovely.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I love getting cards. Czech gave me some blank cards one year. I love them. I have used them. I don't think it's an insult.

FNW · Guru

I love stationary. My grandmother used to give me stationary and note cards when I was little. I used them to write thank you cards. She never gave me a packet of thank you cards. I think that''s the difference-beautiful stationary vs. a packet of thank you cards. And sure, grandma may have harped on this girl all her life to write out a thank you note and mama never made her, so grandma thought she could goad her and give her a packet for her birthday. She picked the wrong occasion to do this.

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

Maybe it was a box of beautiful thank you cards but the spoiled brat saw them as less. I too love giving and getting beautiful cards. I usually buy blank ones so they can be used for anything.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Oh good. Lol, I was seriously thinking I might have offended someone by accident.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

FNW wrote:
I love stationary. My grandmother used to give me stationary and note cards when I was little. I used them to write thank you cards. She never gave me a packet of thank you cards. I think that''s the difference-beautiful stationary vs. a packet of thank you cards. And sure, grandma may have harped on this girl all her life to write out a thank you note and mama never made her, so grandma thought she could goad her and give her a packet for her birthday. She picked the wrong occasion to do this.

I agree.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Mellow Momma wrote:
NAOW wrote:
I love getting stationery and cards. I like seeing what other people pick out for me. I would not be offended at all to get that.

After reading this, I feel like I should point out that the cards I give to my SS every year (that my mom makes) are in no way some passive aggressive hint. It never occurred to me that someone would take it that way. Now I am going to think twice about giving cards to people.

I don't think the OP got handmade stationary, which is a wonderful and thoughtful gift. It says she was given "a packet of thank you" cards which sounds passive aggressive.

I woldbe touched to be given be given stationary or handmade cards. That sounds lovely.

And who responds well to P/A gestures? No one.

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I think MOST people don't mind getting a packet of home made cards. Especially if they are blank inside so you can write whatever you want on them. I don't mind getting generic ones either that say Happy Birthday or Congratulations. Even ones for babies. I hate getting sympathy cards because I rarely use them and when I need one I'd prefer it be something personal. I know sometimes the schools sell packets of cards like this with cards for all occasions. I find hand made blank cards to be beautiful and touching.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Ohfour wrote:
The OP is a delusional nut case. Her daughter is 17 and is "crestfallen" over a gift card and a pack of thank you notes. Get a freakin life.

Plus, I don't think its rude at all. As I said before, I love getting stationery. Thank you notes and all.

And yes, this may be the hill she wants to die on. As I said, my mother harps on ALL of us, (me, my sister, our kids, our cousins) until she gets a hand written note. Hasn't damaged any relationship at all. If it does damage the relationship, that's all on the mother and granddaughter.

It wasn't given in love. It was given as a slam. But yeah, crestfallen? Nah. How about mom takes a minute to point that maybe her daughter has been lax in appreciating grandma?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Doesn't really matter if it was given passive aggressively or nicely. It was a gift. When one receives a gift the proper response is to thank the gifter and carry on. I don't buy a lot of this crap. We've all been given gifts we hate and detest and feel was a personal insult. It does not give us the right to be rude and nasty back.

I would have told my daughter to pull out a Thank You card and properly write her grandma a thank you for the gift certificate and the cards. "Dear Grandma, thank you for the gift certificate to XYZ. I plan on buy a new pair of jeans for school. I appreciate the gift. I'd also like to say thank you for the cards. They will come in handy when I need to acknowledge a gift." I'd make sure grandma got at least half of those thank you cards back in the form of thank you notes!

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Ohfour wrote:
The OP is a delusional nut case. Her daughter is 17 and is "crestfallen" over a gift card and a pack of thank you notes. Get a freakin life.

Plus, I don't think its rude at all. As I said before, I love getting stationery. Thank you notes and all.

And yes, this may be the hill she wants to die on. As I said, my mother harps on ALL of us, (me, my sister, our kids, our cousins) until she gets a hand written note. Hasn't damaged any relationship at all. If it does damage the relationship, that's all on the mother and granddaughter.

Absolutely. Any parent that has an image in mind of how their child's bday day should go and expect others to "comply" is doing their child no good. I can't think of one 17 YO girl that would not love a GC. They love going to the mall, it's like having their own CC.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Doesn't really matter if it was given passive aggressively or nicely. It was a gift. When one receives a gift the proper response is to thank the gifter and carry on. I don't buy a lot of this crap. We've all been given gifts we hate and detest and feel was a personal insult. It does not give us the right to be rude and nasty back.

I agree. Just like not getting a thank you note is no excuse to be rude and nasty back.

Its not not a very personal gift and I honestly think that is a big part of the problem. It's a gift you could give to the gardener or the mailman.

But I aknowledge that years of watching my kids open cheap tacky impersonal gifts has made me partial.

Ohfour · Hooker

I gave ALL if my kids money for Christmas. since there was nothing personal i guess that makes me a problem....

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Ohfour wrote:
I gave ALL if my kids money for Christmas. since there was nothing personal i guess that makes me a problem....

Well sh*t we already knew that. biggrin

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

For next year's SS I am giving my recipient thank you cards. I will leave it up to them to determine if it is a slam or not!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Who says " crestfallen"?

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Who says " crestfallen"?

A drama queen.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I can honestly say that word has never crossed my lips in a sentence!

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

Let's all try to use it in a sentence today!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I think we should have a whole thread using obscure or fun words!

Ilumine · Regular

I believe in handwritten thank you notes. It is not about a change in communication, but the physical act in showing appreciation.

Gift giver WORKED to earn the money to pay for said gift, may have earned money to drive to the store to purchase and then mail said gift, most assuredly taken time out of his/her day to at least sit at the computer to purchase said gift or driven around town to find said gift, wrap it and then drive around again to mail it, OR even make the gift from hand.

Sitting down for 3-5 minutes to take a pen and write out a salutation, sentence of thanks and sign it, fold the piece of paper (no one said it had to be on pretty stationary) and stuff & address the envelope and putting a stamp on it is nothing in comparison.

And while I would be pissed if my granddaughter was a rude and entitled brat, I do agree that the grandmother's P/A gift was wrong.

While one does not give a gift for the acknowledgement, but for the love or respect of the receiver. If one's love and/or has diminished over the years due to the receiver's lack or manners, then it is perfectly acceptable to stop sending gifts. Because it is even more important to remember that GIFTS are not requirements either.

My stepchildren have not received a gift from my mother (birthday, christmas or graduation) in the last two years. Not because she considers them less then, but because she has never once received a thank you from either of them. And let me tell you, I rode SS's ass about thank you cards until he turned 16 and then gave him the speech about what would happen.

DH said something to me ONCE about why DD got a christmas present, but SS did not. I asked him to ask SS when was the last time SS thanked my parents, even via Facebook? He has never mentioned it again. S

So it wasn't a surprise when I told DH that if I did not get any acknowledgement from his niece or nephew for last year's Christmas presents, I wasn't going to facilitate the gifts this year. And I didnt. It's funny how his sisters were able to call us to ask WHERE the presents were this year...

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, demanding that someone thank you in a certain way is really just another form of rudeness as well. I will happily write thank you notes. However, I have a SIL, that will call and bitch everyone out if she isn't contacted the second the presents arrive at the door. She has called us bitching BEFORE the gifts even arrive. I would rather she NOT send us anything. Leave us alone. Sheesh.

Ohfour · Hooker

Tignanello wrote:
For next year's SS I am giving my recipient thank you cards. I will leave it up to them to determine if it is a slam or not!

You KNOW that every one of us is going to put those days in their SS packages...lol!!!!!! It will become a new Geek SS tradition...😁

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I personally don't like receiving thank you notes. I think a call or email or text is much much more personal.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I personally don't like receiving thank you notes. I think a call or email or text is much much more personal.

My judgment:

YOU ARE WEIRD!

biggrin

flan

Tignanello · My dog name is, Sasha!

Ohfour wrote:
Tignanello wrote:
For next year's SS I am giving my recipient thank you cards. I will leave it up to them to determine if it is a slam or not!
You KNOW that every one of us is going to put those days in their SS packages...lol!!!!!! It will become a new Geek SS tradition...😁

Let's DO IT!!

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

I should now confess to all of you that my mother once forgot my birthday - no call, no card, nothing. She finally called a couple of weeks later very sheepish. How a mother can forget her daughter's birthday that occurs on New Year's Eve is beyond me.

Anyway, in her Mother's Day gift, I included a box of 24 all occasion cards. But it wasn't passive aggressive - I was very open about why I did it.

Ohfour · Hooker

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I personally don't like receiving thank you notes. I think a call or email or text is much much more personal.

I LOVE getting cards in the mail, thank you notes, birthday cards, anything.

and I'm not old school, I just think it's sweet and something to appreciate and hold onto. A 10 second text for a birthday is rude and inconsiderate.

Ohfour · Hooker

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Ohfour wrote:
I gave ALL if my kids money for Christmas. since there was nothing personal i guess that makes me a problem....
Well sh*t we already knew that.

You better be careful, you're headed toward shy schitt list... wink

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Ohfour wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I personally don't like receiving thank you notes. I think a call or email or text is much much more personal.
I LOVE getting cards in the mail, thank you notes, birthday cards, anything.
and I'm not old school, I just think it's sweet and something to appreciate and hold onto. A 10 second text for a birthday is rude and inconsiderate.

I do too!

Especially when they come stuck in a stack of unpleasant mail like bills.

And how personal is a text? It's like an afterthought.

NAOW · Vette's SS

I like my thank you'd however they come. Fb, text, phone call, email, etc. its just nice to know a gift was appreciated. But a thank you note in the mail is always a nice surprise.

FNW · Guru

I give gifts because I want to. Not because I want some sort of acknowledgment or engraved "thank you." My gift-giving is unconditional. Sure, it makes me happy to know they appreciated my efforts, but that's not what giving is all about.

TrudyML · Guru

FNW wrote:
I give gifts because I want to. Not because I want some sort of acknowledgment or engraved "thank you." My gift-giving is unconditional. Sure, it makes me happy to know they appreciated my efforts, but that's not what giving is all about.

I still wait for a gift! Pffft!

FNW · Guru

TrudyML wrote:
FNW wrote:
I give gifts because I want to. Not because I want some sort of acknowledgment or engraved "thank you." My gift-giving is unconditional. Sure, it makes me happy to know they appreciated my efforts, but that's not what giving is all about.
I still wait for a gift! Pffft!

Be careful what you wish for...ehehehehe

NAOW · Vette's SS

FNW wrote:
I give gifts because I want to. Not because I want some sort of acknowledgment or engraved "thank you." My gift-giving is unconditional. Sure, it makes me happy to know they appreciated my efforts, but that's not what giving is all about.

So, do you keep giving gifts to people who don't appreciate your efforts?

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

NAOW wrote:
FNW wrote:
I give gifts because I want to. Not because I want some sort of acknowledgment or engraved "thank you." My gift-giving is unconditional. Sure, it makes me happy to know they appreciated my efforts, but that's not what giving is all about.
So, do you keep giving gifts to people who don't appreciate your efforts?

I personally don't give a gift so that someone will appreciate it. I give a gift because it makes me happy to do so.

This Christmas, in lieu of a thank you note, SIL sent me (via FB message) a picture of the kids playing with the gifts I bought them. I saw them enjoying the gifts and smiling ear to ear. That made me much happier than a 3 sentence note that SIL would have to force them to write.

I give gifts because it makes me happy. Not to get a note in return or some sort of appreciation.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

NAOW wrote:
FNW wrote:
I give gifts because I want to. Not because I want some sort of acknowledgment or engraved "thank you." My gift-giving is unconditional. Sure, it makes me happy to know they appreciated my efforts, but that's not what giving is all about.
So, do you keep giving gifts to people who don't appreciate your efforts?

If they are family, no. I just don't put as much effort into the gifts I buy.

flan

FNW · Guru

NAOW wrote:
FNW wrote:
I give gifts because I want to. Not because I want some sort of acknowledgment or engraved "thank you." My gift-giving is unconditional. Sure, it makes me happy to know they appreciated my efforts, but that's not what giving is all about.
So, do you keep giving gifts to people who don't appreciate your efforts?

Yes. Particularly if the recipient is a child.

NAOW · Vette's SS

Mellow Momma wrote:
NAOW wrote:
FNW wrote:
I give gifts because I want to. Not because I want some sort of acknowledgment or engraved "thank you." My gift-giving is unconditional. Sure, it makes me happy to know they appreciated my efforts, but that's not what giving is all about.
So, do you keep giving gifts to people who don't appreciate your efforts?
I personally don't give a gift so that someone will appreciate it. I give a gift because it makes me happy to do so.

This Christmas, in lieu of a thank you note, SIL sent me (via FB message) a picture of the kids playing with the gifts I bought them. I saw them enjoying the gifts and smiling ear to ear. That made me much happier than a 3 sentence note that SIL would have to force them to write.

I give gifts because it makes me happy. Not to get a note in return or some sort of appreciation.

To me, the picture of the kids was acknowledging the gift and showing you they appreciated it.

NAOW · Vette's SS

FNW wrote:
NAOW wrote:
FNW wrote:
I give gifts because I want to. Not because I want some sort of acknowledgment or engraved "thank you." My gift-giving is unconditional. Sure, it makes me happy to know they appreciated my efforts, but that's not what giving is all about.
So, do you keep giving gifts to people who don't appreciate your efforts?
Yes. Particularly if the recipient is a child.

I was about to say that I couldn't keep giving gifts to someone who didn't say thank you. But then I realized I've been doing it for years or my nephews. No acknowledgement at all- I just have to imagine that they like and use the things my sister and I send them. I keep doing it because I love them, but I still think they are incredibly rude.

Actually this year has been particularly difficult. My sister and I got them each those Beats by Dre headphones. Because they are so expensive we called my brother ahead of time to ask if they would like that/make sure they didn't already have them. He said yes, they would be thrilled. My sister shipped them out about two weeks before Christmas. We never heard anything- per the usual- so we didn't think anything of it. After Christmas the gifts are returned. Apparently, they had to be signed for, and since no one was home both times they tried to deliver they left a note at the door and Bro or SIL would have to pick them up. They never went to pick them up. So we call, and brother says they never got around to it. So we resend them. This was weeks ago. Just yesterday they came back, again! They want us to send them, again. That means we will have paid for shipping three times! My sister was pissed. She was ready to to try and return the headphones to the store and say too bad so sad to the nephews, but I think she is softening up still. I'm not sure yet. I was really excited to finally get them a gift I know they would like.

-- Edited by NAOW on Friday 23rd of January 2015 01:26:21 PM

FNW · Guru

That is rude, NAOW.

We always let the sender know the gift was received and thank you for your thoughtfulness. Then the boys will either write a note OR thank them on the phone.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

NAOW wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
NAOW wrote:
FNW wrote:
I give gifts because I want to. Not because I want some sort of acknowledgment or engraved "thank you." My gift-giving is unconditional. Sure, it makes me happy to know they appreciated my efforts, but that's not what giving is all about.
So, do you keep giving gifts to people who don't appreciate your efforts?
I personally don't give a gift so that someone will appreciate it. I give a gift because it makes me happy to do so.

This Christmas, in lieu of a thank you note, SIL sent me (via FB message) a picture of the kids playing with the gifts I bought them. I saw them enjoying the gifts and smiling ear to ear. That made me much happier than a 3 sentence note that SIL would have to force them to write.

I give gifts because it makes me happy. Not to get a note in return or some sort of appreciation.
To me, the picture of the kids was acknowledging the gift and showing you they appreciated it.

Exactly! And it made me much happier than a short note I know SIL would have to force my 6 year old nephew to write. The pics made me smile and I printed them out and put them on my fridge.