The Lonely Gene

Prudie advises an introvert who wants to help her daughter make friends at school.

Q. How Do You Teach Your Child to Develop Friendships When You Yourself Are No Good at It?: My 9-year-old daughter is having a difficult time in school. She says she has no friends and cries before and after school. Her grades are good, and she has no behavioral issues. She simply has a difficult time making friends. Her teacher says my daughter is liked by all of her classmates but seems to drift from group to group without any good friends. Play dates are seldom if ever reciprocated, and extracurricular activities have not resulted in friendships either. Unfortunately, I am not much help here since I have never had a gregarious social life and as a happy introvert have never had more than a good friend or two. Ditto for Dad. How do you teach the art of making friends to your child when you have never been much good at it yourself?

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A: You and Dad need to look back and remember what each of you did make the connection with those one or two good friends. Then your two need to be really open with your daughter about having experienced the same struggles she’s going through, and telling her how you two coped. You can explain in age-appropriate terms that some people are more gregarious and outgoing, and some are quieter and shyer. The world needs both kinds of people! But you and Dad know from experience that the school years are hard for quieter people like all of you. Maybe you can help your daughter identify another introvert and orchestrate some get-togethers. Definitely consult with the teacher on this and see if she can help with getting your daughter into some one-on-one activities with other girls or boys who could also use a friend. If your daughter has neighbors or family members her age whom she can more naturally spend time with, nurture that. I’d love to hear from readers who themselves went through this or had kids with the same difficulty and who came up with good solutions.

Q. Re: No Friends: I was one of those quiet kids who got along with most but didn’t often have any good friends. Sometimes quiet kids need a larger pool of kids to find friends in. I would recommend that the parents start looking for non-school activities that have lots of opportunity for socializing, like an art class or a theater group or whatever other interest the daughter might like to pursue.

A: This is a comforting note in the long term, but hard for parents (and the child) now. I agree, though, that some kids just need a bigger pool to draw from to find that special person they click with. Other readers have suggested continuing the extracurriculars, especially if the daughter has special interests, be it art, sports, animals, etc., so that she’s more likely to find someone outside of school with a shared passion.

Q. Re: Childhood Friendships: I also was on the quiet side as child with few friends. Joining my school’s drama club helped me to come out of my shell and make many friends. A child can take on a small role, or be part of the backstage crew. And drama clubs often welcome quirky people of all types.

A: Good idea about drama club. Any kind of club: music, chess, etc., can allow a kid to get to know others while engaging in activities that take off the social stress.

Q. Re: Child Friendships: She should get her daughter involved with Girl Scouts—9 is the perfect age, and as a scout leader myself I’ve seen shy introverts come alive doing service projects and playing games with their friends.

A: Another good suggestion, thanks

Comments:

xander7657 minutes ago

tell the 9 year old about the dear prudie comment board, where all the lonely 

introverts hang out

taggie99just now

For the little girl with no friends, I was also very shy.   Finding a friend outside of school is nice but this will not help her when she sits alone in school.  It is imperative that the teacher partner her with another shy little girl and help to encourage a friendship.   This could set her up for years in less painful situations.   Mom should work with the teacher on this.   I never made a friend, but a few people eventually made me their friend.   In the meantime, however, there was so much pain.   Today, as an adult, I like being an introvert.   In school it is nothing but pain.   Help her!