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ed11563


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I’m 26 and want to stop working.
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Very Early Retirement

I’m 26 and want to stop working. Can I ask my boyfriend to support me?

By Emily Yoffe

Emily Yoffe

Photo by Teresa Castracane.

 

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Dear Prudence,
I am a 26-year-old woman living in a quaint tech town. I have been a social worker since graduation, most recently with hospice patients, and the experience made me feel I was headed for a nervous breakdown. I saw terrible things with the families and the job filled me with deep sadness. I’m working on changing careers but struggling to find a field that interests me. I’m happiest in my quiet home, cleaning and making beautiful meals for my partner. I walk my dog, go to the gym, volunteer cleaning up a local forest and do things that promote tranquility. He makes enough at a tech firm to support the both of us, but I am paying my share of bills with my meager savings. We have no children and don’t see any on the horizon. He was supportive of my quitting, assuming I would quickly find another job. But social work now terrifies me, and I don’t know want to do for a career, if anything. Is it wrong to ask my partner to support my quiet at-home life for the sake of my mental health? Am I crazy to drop out of the workforce so early? What do I say to my worried family members when they grill me about my plans for the future?

—Modest Ambitions

Dear Modest,
You thought you wanted to spend your career helping the sickest and most vulnerable. You don’t. There’s no shame in that, and better to find out now than to be a burnt-out and ineffective healer. But unless there are extenuating circumstances, everyone should have the ability to support herself. Even if you end up someday being a stay-at-home mother, at this point in life you need to be building work experience in a field that enriches rather than terrifies you. To begin exploring what field that might be, contact your alma mater. Many colleges offer free career advice to their graduates—you could do it by phone or Skype. If you could use more help, see if your boyfriend will loan you money for career counseling. (Since he’d like you to be gainfully employed, he has an incentive to make it a gift.) Maybe the hospitality industry, or property management, for example, would allow you to use your considerable skills. Meanwhile, there are steps you can take right now. You’ve discovered you love doing things that lots of people hate, so share this love in exchange for cash. In your tech town there are going to be those eager to outsource dog walking, meal preparation, and other domestic tasks. Talk to companies that offer these services to busy tech executives, or start your own one-woman business. Sure, preparing a meal for another family is not the same as noodling around your own kitchen. But you may discover you get satisfaction making life more pleasant for stressed-out thriving people, instead of easing people to their last meal. You made an early career choice that was inimical to your psychological needs. But that should not result in your withdrawing from the workplace. Instead draw on the insights your difficulties gave you, and the satisfaction you are now experiencing, and move toward doing something that will fulfill your psyche and your bank account.

—Prudie

 

 



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Lawyerlady


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Your boyfriend? No. Your spouse - if discussed ahead of time- that's up to the 2 of you.

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TrudyML


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That BF needs to run.

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Ohfour


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She got burned out after 4 years to the point that she doesn't think she can take another job? He needs to back away...

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Mellow Momma


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TrudyML wrote:

That BF needs to run.

 Yup

 

She wants to stop working...but she has never really started. Sure she worked for a few years. Real work is day after day for decades. Welcome to the real world sister. Very few of us WANT to go everyday. But we do it. It's called being a grown azz adult. 

 

She needs to find something she will enjoy more. No one should be miserable at work. Shame on her college program for not exposing her to what her profession entailed through job shadowing, internships, etc. They should have prepared her better. 



-- Edited by Mellow Momma on Thursday 29th of January 2015 04:06:17 PM

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lilyofcourse


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Look. I can totally understand getting burned out being around death every day. I don't think I could do it.

But there are other outlets. What about working in a school? School councilors are always needed.

And I am sure she could find a way to turn what she has into another career. She could do other things to earn a living and work at a community center as a social worker.

I don't blame anyone for realizing that working with the terminally ill is not what they want to do forever.

Take a break, get it together, and then get back at it in another way.

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I've been working 10X that long and I can't imagine not being able to support myself. Even in my early years when I was a stay at home mother I did child care and housecleaning on weekends to contribute. I will continue to contribute once I retire with my hobbies which will always make money even in the event of a zombie apocalypse...lol

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Mellow Momma


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She neglected the first rule of caregiving which is care for yourself first. Psychologists and psychiatrists are supposed to see a therapist regularly, and I bet social workers should as well. It wouldn't surprise me of it was part of their professional standards. How did she get to the point that she felt like she was going to have a nervous breakdown?

I seriously think her university did NOT prepare her for this line of work. A good program would have taught her how to recognize the signs of burnout, what to do, and how to combat it. Poor education.

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lilyofcourse


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I agree MM.

I am sure it would take its toll on a person no matter what.

My mom worked for the last 20 years at an assisted living facility. She was in the offices and was their HIPPA person.

She was required a certain number of psych visits a year.

I have still seen her weepy at times. It would get to her. Someone died at least twice a week it seems.

I has to get to a person.

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lilyofcourse wrote:

I agree MM.

I am sure it would take its toll on a person no matter what.

My mom worked for the last 20 years at an assisted living facility. She was in the offices and was their HIPPA person.

She was required a certain number of psych visits a year.

I have still seen her weepy at times. It would get to her. Someone died at least twice a week it seems.

I has to get to a person.

 I agree lily. I worked on an Alzheimer's unit for a while. People I loved and cared for died and I decided to change my focus. Now I work really hard on other things and it's a different set of worries



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flan327


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I could never work in a hospice or the NICU.

Hats off to those who do.

flan

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ed11563


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I think her skill set would be good for the Human Resources department of one of those high-tech companies.



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flan327


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And it's not an "either-or" proposition...return to hospice work or never work again!

flan

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Tignanello


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Social workers are very under-trained compared to psychologists and counselling therapists. The training is SO POOR when it comes to self care, exposure to trauma of others and how to maintain your professional health. I have worked professionally with (and as) both social workers and therapists and the difference in performance is STARK.

She needs retraining - with professional supervision that will allow her to perform at her best and still live the life she wants.

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Mellow Momma


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Tignanello wrote:

Social workers are very under-trained compared to psychologists and counselling therapists. The training is SO POOR when it comes to self care, exposure to trauma of others and how to maintain your professional health. I have worked professionally with (and as) both social workers and therapists and the difference in performance is STARK.

She needs retraining - with professional supervision that will allow her to perform at her best and still live the life she wants.

Thanks for sharing your expertise. I feel for the OP. Doesn't it sound like the OP has some type of post traumatic stress disorder? 

 

And I agree with flan...it isn't go back to the old job or never work again. There are lots of options. 



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Well as Tig says, perhaps she hasn't been trained right. But her letter is all about not wanting to work. The BF really should take a good long look at that. Does he want to support her the rest of her life? She could at least take a job making minimum wage in fast food or such until she figures this out. Her not doing that is very telling of her intention.

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Tignanello


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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:

Well as Tig says, perhaps she hasn't been trained right. But her letter is all about not wanting to work. The BF really should take a good long look at that. Does he want to support her the rest of her life? She could at least take a job making minimum wage in fast food or such until she figures this out. Her not doing that is very telling of her intention.

 Yeah, BF needs to encourage the OP to figure stuff out.  Not pay for her schooling . . .



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flan327 wrote:

I could never work in a hospice or the NICU.

Hats off to those who do.

flan

 I will never forget those wonderful nurses in the NICU when DD was born.  They were over the top caring and kind.



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lilyofcourse


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I was thinking, wouldn't everyone like to retire early if they could?



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No. I think there are lot of people that really like working.

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lilyofcourse


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Yeah. But just because you retire doesn't mean you stop being productive.

Mom retired at the end of December. It has been almost 4 weeks and she is running out of things to do. You can see she is missing work. Or at least missing the people and routine.

But I think she is enjoying being able to sleep in.



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A flock of flirting flamingos is pure, passionate, pink pandemonium-a frenetic flamingle-mangle-a discordant discotheque of delirious dancing, flamboyant feathers, and flamingo lingo.

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flan327


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I retired & got another job within 5 weeks.

flan

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JPT


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This isn't "retirement", it's "withdrawing"

She needs to see a counselor, hope that the BF insists on it before ending up with an albatross around his neck...

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There are days, weeks, months, and there have even been a few YEARS where I wonder if I made the right career choice.

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flan327


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Lawyerlady wrote:

There are days, weeks, months, and there have even been a few YEARS where I wonder if I made the right career choice.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.

flan 



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flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

There are days, weeks, months, and there have even been a few YEARS where I wonder if I made the right career choice.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.

flan 

 When the bottom fell out of the real estate market and I had to start doing foreclosures and lien enforcement - that was just depressing. 



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Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

There are days, weeks, months, and there have even been a few YEARS where I wonder if I made the right career choice.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.

flan 

 When the bottom fell out of the real estate market and I had to start doing foreclosures and lien enforcement - that was just depressing. 

 I can not even imagine. It would be hard to think about the families involved. 

 

I think a lot of people go through periods where their jobs are not satisfying or "fun" or make them think they entered the wrong field. Most of us that feel that don't drop out of the workforce and become hermits like the OP wants to do. She needs some help. 



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Mellow Momma wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

There are days, weeks, months, and there have even been a few YEARS where I wonder if I made the right career choice.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.

flan 

 When the bottom fell out of the real estate market and I had to start doing foreclosures and lien enforcement - that was just depressing. 

 I can not even imagine. It would be hard to think about the families involved. 

 

I think a lot of people go through periods where their jobs are not satisfying or "fun" or make them think they entered the wrong field. Most of us that feel that don't drop out of the workforce and become hermits like the OP wants to do. She needs some help. 

 WEll, luckily - most of the foreclosures I handled were commercial construction - I didn't have to deal with families. 



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Oh that's good. I know there are still lives and families involved, but it's much less direct.

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Mellow Momma wrote:

Oh that's good. I know there are still lives and families involved, but it's much less direct.

 Yes, some of them were even my clients.  They preferred I handle it over some strange law firm.  We handle small banks and builders a lot here - so they would waive the conflict and I'd do some "friendly" foreclosures.   Those weren't as bad.  But SOME were really depressing.



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okay working in a hospice is a calling, not a job. I have always always wanted to work in a hospice. The theory and the philospphy are perfect for me.
I have a social work background and took an RN refresher course because I was not doing clinical work for a few years.
Hospice hired me right away. What I did not take into account was that in the few years prior there were a LOT of elderly deaths in my family.

It was painful because I could not detach myself from the clinicals.
But I did and am now not working in hospice.
It has taken me a while to adjust to being unable to do what I thought would be the best job ever.

But I am working and as a RN.



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