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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Abby: Stepmothers Role is Devalued
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Abby: Stepmothers Role is Devalued
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DEAR ABBY: I'm a 42-year-old divorced woman with no children. My ex-husband has a son whose life I was a part of for 18 years. When people ask if I have kids, my reply is, "Yes, I have a stepson."

Why do people think it's OK to say things like, "That's not the same as having your own," or, "That doesn't count"? Then they usually go on to ask why I don't have children of my own.

My response is a big fat lie. I say, "It just never happened." The truth is my ex didn't want any more children. What can I say to these people to let them know that they need to stop and think about what they say and ask, because their word choice in this circumstance is hurtful to the point of tears? -- STEPMOM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STEPMOM: A person who would downplay your role as a parent is rude, thoughtless and not worth your time. As to asking why someone is childless, I have addressed this subject in my column before. While many folks start conversations by asking whether someone has children, it can be a dangerous question.

I learned my lesson and stopped asking after having received an answer from one man that his son was doing life in prison as an accomplice to murder. Another man told me he had two children, a daughter and an estranged son who was also serving a long sentence -- for selling narcotics. Neither person was happy to have been asked. After that, I stopped asking.

I see no reason why you shouldn't simply tell the truth about why you are child-free. Not having (or wanting) children is nothing to be ashamed of -- it's a personal choice that an increasing number of couples have opted for without regret.

 

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2015/2/3/stepmother-wishes-others-wouldnt-devalue-her



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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She doesn't need to explain anything to them. Why do women think we have to explain our lives and choices to all the nebnoses?

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voiceofreason


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I'm ok saying, I'm not comfortable sharing that with you. I learned to say that when I was in my 20's and it's served me well.

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Ohfour


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voiceofreason wrote:

I'm ok saying, I'm not comfortable sharing that with you. I learned to say that when I was in my 20's and it's served me well.

I'm sure you just made TONS of friends that way...that's a normal conversation starter.

She should just answer yes or no. 



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Lexxy


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If she gave more information such as I helped raise my stepson or I may not have birthed him but he is my son in all other way, or whatever. Not just I have a stepson it might help others understand. Not saying they aren't rude for their comments but she doesn't give them much info either so they probably don't understand how involved she was in his life.

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Lawyerlady


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Lexxy wrote:

If she gave more information such as I helped raise my stepson or I may not have birthed him but he is my son in all other way, or whatever. Not just I have a stepson it might help others understand. Not saying they aren't rude for their comments but she doesn't give them much info either so they probably don't understand how involved she was in his life.

 I'm going to disagree.  The fact that she answers "Yes, I have a stepson" when asked if she has children shows she considers him her own.  I mean, how much more information do acquaintances need?  The details of one's life do not have to be shared with people just because they ask. 

 

 



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voiceofreason


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Ohfour wrote:
voiceofreason wrote:

I'm ok saying, I'm not comfortable sharing that with you. I learned to say that when I was in my 20's and it's served me well.

I'm sure you just made TONS of friends that way...that's a normal conversation starter.

She should just answer yes or no. 

 My goal has never been to have TONS of friends.  I get validation in other ways.  But, to each his or her own.  It works for me and I was simply sharing my experience.  



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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You got tons of friends here!

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voiceofreason


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

You got tons of friends here!

 Thanks gaga!



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lilyofcourse


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Maybe just leave the step off.

"do you have kids?"

"yes, a son."



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Lilly! Stop! That kind of thinking will end all Dear Prudie columns! Then, what would we do for fun!

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Vette


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lilyofcourse wrote:

Maybe just leave the step off.

"do you have kids?"

"yes, a son."

 I like this.  It annoys me when I tell people how many siblings I have and they ask if they are all "real" or if some are half. Who cares? They are all my siblings regardless. 



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Nobody Just Nobody


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I tell people I have a step son. I really don't care what they say or think back. Once I was checking out at the grocery store and the lady was making conversation. She asked about kids and I told her yes, and I also had a step son. She gave me a long lecture about how step kids are YOUR kids and should not be called step and they should be considered your own children. I said, "Well, maybe you should call his REAL mother and tell her you'd like me to go around calling myself his mother." Hey, I am what I am. His step mom. Our relationship is great. I don't need a title to make me a better person.

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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

I tell people I have a step son. I really don't care what they say or think back. Once I was checking out at the grocery store and the lady was making conversation. She asked about kids and I told her yes, and I also had a step son. She gave me a long lecture about how step kids are YOUR kids and should not be called step and they should be considered your own children. I said, "Well, maybe you should call his REAL mother and tell her you'd like me to go around calling myself his mother." Hey, I am what I am. His step mom. Our relationship is great. I don't need a title to make me a better person.

 That was the perfect response! Smarty pants! 



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Nobody Just Nobody


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Mellow Momma wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

I tell people I have a step son. I really don't care what they say or think back. Once I was checking out at the grocery store and the lady was making conversation. She asked about kids and I told her yes, and I also had a step son. She gave me a long lecture about how step kids are YOUR kids and should not be called step and they should be considered your own children. I said, "Well, maybe you should call his REAL mother and tell her you'd like me to go around calling myself his mother." Hey, I am what I am. His step mom. Our relationship is great. I don't need a title to make me a better person.

 That was the perfect response! Smarty pants! 

 biggrin  I'm not sure why strangers feel the need to lecture or ask or tell you what your title should be.  Those things should be determined by the participants involved.



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Ohfour


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Now that I think about it, I don't call my step kids that. I call them G's daughter or G's son. He calls my kids 04's daughter of 04's son. When his kids talk about me, they call me their dad's wife. I have NO idea why, but we just never did the whole step thing. But the kids all call each other brother and sister, they don't use step either. I just realized all of this because of this thread...

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Fort Worth Mom


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Ohfour wrote:

Now that I think about it, I don't call my step kids that. I call them G's daughter or G's son. He calls my kids 04's daughter of 04's son. When his kids talk about me, they call me their dad's wife. I have NO idea why, but we just never did the whole step thing. But the kids all call each other brother and sister, they don't use step either. I just realized all of this because of this thread...

I never thought of Monica and Trudy, as half sisters.

They never called our Dad, anything but Daddy.

(Their bio Dad, was killed in WWII) They have no memories of him. He never lived to see Trudy. Only saw Monica, once. (That one visit, got Trudy going, if you know what I mean.)

My Mom was a very young widow, with two babies, when she met my Dad, dated, and they got married.

Daddy, raised us all. Loved us all.

He didn't treat Monica and Trudy, differently, just because they weren't his biological children.

And, we never treated each other, as sisters, differently.

Odd, maybe.

But, it worked okay, for our family.smile

 



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lilyofcourse


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My pawpaw was not my blood pawpaw. But he was very much my real pawpaw.



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My SS calls me NJN. I'm fine with that. Sometimes he slips up and calls me mom. Sometimes he'll apologize and sometimes he won't. I tell him he can call me whatever he wants as long as it's nice. He refers to me a lot as his step mom or his other mom.

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Tinydancer


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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

My SS calls me NJN. I'm fine with that. Sometimes he slips up and calls me mom. Sometimes he'll apologize and sometimes he won't. I tell him he can call me whatever he wants as long as it's nice. He refers to me a lot as his step mom or his other mom.

 I love the bolded. My husbands son (I don't think I've called him step son mostly just son when asked) but I do share him with his mom so I love it when he's asked and he calls me his other mom. I have been more of a mom to him in many ways but not until he was 7 and he and I were the ones who decided what we called each other.



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Nobody Just Nobody


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Tinydancer wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

My SS calls me NJN. I'm fine with that. Sometimes he slips up and calls me mom. Sometimes he'll apologize and sometimes he won't. I tell him he can call me whatever he wants as long as it's nice. He refers to me a lot as his step mom or his other mom.

 I love the bolded. My husbands son (I don't think I've called him step son mostly just son when asked) but I do share him with his mom so I love it when he's asked and he calls me his other mom. I have been more of a mom to him in many ways but not until he was 7 and he and I were the ones who decided what we called each other.

 And that is how it should be!



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lilyofcourse


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I was raised calling pawpaw, pawpaw.

Mom called him H-y. He went by his intials and most called him H-y. (a-chie)

He always introduced me as his granddaughter.

I think the relationship between steps can be beautiful. I also think they can be tricky at times.



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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

I tell people I have a step son. I really don't care what they say or think back. Once I was checking out at the grocery store and the lady was making conversation. She asked about kids and I told her yes, and I also had a step son. She gave me a long lecture about how step kids are YOUR kids and should not be called step and they should be considered your own children. I said, "Well, maybe you should call his REAL mother and tell her you'd like me to go around calling myself his mother." Hey, I am what I am. His step mom. Our relationship is great. I don't need a title to make me a better person.

 That was the perfect response! Smarty pants! 

 biggrin  I'm not sure why strangers feel the need to lecture or ask or tell you what your title should be.  Those things should be determined by the participants involved.

It's an ego issue. Doing this makes them feel superior, because they know better than you (anyone, someone) know. That makes them "better than you". furious

It's bullying without being violent.

 



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lilyofcourse


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Geez Ed.

Everything is bullying, abuse or some other terrible thing with you.

I'm just gonna say it.

I'm tired of it. Give it rest already.

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ed11563


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lilyofcourse wrote:

Geez Ed.

Everything is bullying, abuse or some other terrible thing with you.

I'm just gonna say it.

I'm tired of it. Give it rest already.

Sounds like you're lecturing me ... 

 

Why do YOU think strangers will lecture someone like that?



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Nobody Just Nobody


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I think sometimes people lecture because they're clueless clods.

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lilyofcourse


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If you want to feel that way about it, that is on you.

I am tired of your constant insertion that things are bullying and abuse. You see it every where. You probably think this is bullying.

I don't really care. I am just tired of always have that crap thrown out there.

And that is all I am going to say on the subject.

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My sister married her husband when his kids from other marriages were 9,8, and 4. They had two boys together, his kids ended up living with them 90% of the time. They all turned out to be wonderful adults. When my sister passed, she left 5 kids behind, not 2. She was way more than just a step parent.

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ed11563


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Nobody Just Nobody wrote:

I think sometimes people lecture because they're clueless clods.

 thumbsup.gif

 



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ed11563


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Southern_Belle wrote:

My sister married her husband when his kids from other marriages were 9,8, and 4. They had two boys together, his kids ended up living with them 90% of the time. They all turned out to be wonderful adults. When my sister passed, she left 5 kids behind, not 2. She was way more than just a step parent.

I think we all would have liked her. 



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