TOTALLY GEEKED!

It is well-established that women end more marriages than men (Braver, Whitley, and Ng 1994; Brinig and Allen 2000; Hewitt 2009; Hewitt, Western, and Baxter 2006; Kalmijn and Poortman 2006). Regardless of who is asked (him or her) and what measure is used (e.g., who wanted the divorce more, who filed the legal papers), women are the “dumpers” and men the “dumpees” in about 2/3 of divorces (Braver, Whitley, and Ng 1994). This same pattern is reflected in the termination of dating relationships (Helgeson 1994). By both her and his report, women are more likely to end dating relationships than are men; in addition, regardless of who ends the relationship, women are more likely to have anticipated the breakup. This gender difference in desiring and anticipating relationship dissolution may partially explain the gender gap in well-being post-breakup (men fare worse after a breakup than women; see my earlier blog posting).

Why do women leave?

Rubin, Peplau, and Hill (1981) find that men fall in love more readily than women while women fall out of love more readily than men. Moreover, contrary to stereotypes of women as starry-eye and sentimental, women are more cautious about entering romantic relationships than men and quicker to exit a troubled union. Women also tend to be more aware of relationship problems (Helgeson 1994; Rubin, Peplau, and Hill 1981) and may have greater unwillingness to stay in an unsatisfactory union. Moreover, women may be more willing to relinquish troubled relationships despite strong emotional investment in the union. Consistent with this, only for men are strong concerns about missing a current romantic relationship associated with reduced intention to end the union (Hendy, Can, Joseph, and Scherer 2013).

Not only might men be less sensitive to relationship problems or more tolerant of discord, men may find it more difficult to leave because they are more emotionally-dependent on their romantic partner. Emotional support within romantic unions tends to be asymmetric: women give more emotional support than they receive. As a result, men are more likely than women to report that their main source of emotional support is their romantic partner (McClintock 2014). In addition, norms of masculinity may make it more difficult for men to confide in friends of family after breaking up. Men may be inhibited from ending romantic relationships by anticipated social embarrassment in seeking an alternative confidant or by anticipated emotional isolation (Hendy, Can, Joseph, and Scherer 2013).

Better off after breaking up?

Brinig and Allen (2000) argue that women are more likely to end marriages than men because divorce is more often in women’s best interests. Even though women generally suffer a steeper decline than men in their standard of living post-divorce, women may still benefit by leaving an unhappy or unequitable marriage, whereas men are usually the over-benefitting party within marriage. Similarly, women in dating relationships report greater emotional distress than men and this difference becomes larger for couples who remain together; in contrast, among those couples who have broken up, women report less emotional distress than men regardless of which partner initiated the split (Helgeson 1994). What is more, women who have broken up report less emotional distress than women who have not broken up (Helgeson 1994). Possibly the asymmetric nature of emotional support within romantic relationships takes a toll on partnered women’s emotional well-being while benefitting partnered men.

This asymmetry in emotional support may help explain why women suffer less distress than men after the dissolution of a romantic relationship, regardless of who dumped whom (Helgeson 1994). In addition, women may also be more able to cope with rejection (Rubin, Peplau, and Hill 1981). Thus, it is not only because women are disproportionately the “dumpers” that they are better-off post-breakup; women are also better-able to cope when they are the “dumpees.”

Why does it matter?

Insofar as women end more unions than men because women are less satisfied in those relationships or are more aware of relationship problems, reducing the gender gap in romantic well-being and romantic awareness would benefit both genders. Traditional constructions of femininity place the burden of monitoring and maintaining relationships on women (Hendy et al 2013); women may also take on responsibility for terminating failing relationships. At the same time, norms of masculinity may leave some men unprepared for the emotional labor required to maintain a healthy romantic relationship, unable to anticipate relationship dissolution, and uncomfortable confiding their romantic troubles to friends or family. A more equitable division of emotional labor in romantic relationships would likely increase their quality and stability and leave both partners better-prepared in the event of a breakup.

Follow me on Twitter! @ElizaMSociology

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/it-s-man-s-and-woman-s-world/201502/no-i-left-him