TOTALLY GEEKED!

ed11563 · Guru

Dear Prudence - Handsy Father-in-Law

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Well, that's pretty much some of the worst advice I've seen Prudie write. And WTH? A grown man trying to cop a feel off an adult woman is now assumed to be a pedophile?

Now, putting your hand up with a nice, polite - "I'm really not a hugger, and it's time I've shared that with you. I prefer not to be touched" is a much better way to handle it it han yelling "No hugs!"

Bonny22Pye · Guru

She should have her husband tell her father that she's not a hugger and that he needs to back off.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

She should arrange to have the knitting sessions somewhere else.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

FIL needs to be told, "hands off" period, end of discussion. No excuses allowed, ever.
Grow a backbone people.

ed11563 · Guru

I know one pedophile.

He doesn't see social clues he doesn't want to see (any thing that would indicate "STOP' or "DON'T") and he's clueless about boundaries.

In this instance, there's no indication that the man is "grooming" any children, but the behavior that's described does show that he doesn't see the "keep away" social clue, and boundaries could be an issue. Given that, it might be worth finding out what access he has to little girls, and whether he makes any of them uncomfortable.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

I swear, ed, you see a pedophile around every corner..
Stop that.

ed11563 · Guru

just Czech wrote:
I swear, ed, you see a pedophile around every corner..
Stop that.

The one I KNOW is ...

Do you really want details? He was 12, she was 8, and it went on every night for four years.

Then more recently, there was the tickle incident with DS, and we haven't allowed him to be near our children since (until they grew up).

The man in the OP? I don't know. I just recognize what might be a pattern of unwanted touching. It's certainly possible that she is NOT discouraging him, and she needs to be a lot more clear with him.

I just don't think it's a good idea to totally ignore clues.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

just Czech wrote:
I swear, ed, you see a pedophile around every corner..
Stop that.

From the answer in the OP, so does Prudie.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

just Czech wrote:
FIL needs to be told, "hands off" period, end of discussion. No excuses allowed, ever.
Grow a backbone people.

But she has tried to deflect this pattern of behavior and he is ignoring it. I would just not go to that house. I certainly wouldn't subject my elderly mother to it.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

I know of one confirmed pedophile and I do know what to look for in grooming, so does the rest of our community, since he is living here.
I also know other men who like to hug and cop a feel on occasion. A firm "no", repeated if necessary does the trick.
IMHO, some people over react to tickling. It is not in and of itself, abuse.
I refuse to see a boogy man around every corner.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Try turning around quickly and accidently kneeing him in the nuts. That ought to do it! lol

voiceofreason · Guru

See, this is the kind of **** that makes me say oh ffs!! Why can't a grown woman tell her inlaws she isn't comfortable? I just don't get it.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

just Czech wrote:
I know of one confirmed pedophile and I do know what to look for in grooming, so does the rest of our community, since he is living here.
I also know other men who like to hug and cop a feel on occasion. A firm "no", repeated if necessary does the trick.
IMHO, some people over react to tickling. It is not in and of itself, abuse.
I refuse to see a boogy man around every corner.

That is really subjective. I have a NO TICKLING rule in my house. As a kid, my siblings and my Uncle used to tickle me until I started crying. That is abuse.

A little goochie goochie goo for 2 seconds on a baby's chin is fine. but not when it renders the ticklee useless to defend themselves.

TrudyML · Guru

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Try turning around quickly and accidently kneeing him in the nuts. That ought to do it! lol

Funny. I was thinking elbow to the face.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
just Czech wrote:
I know of one confirmed pedophile and I do know what to look for in grooming, so does the rest of our community, since he is living here.
I also know other men who like to hug and cop a feel on occasion. A firm "no", repeated if necessary does the trick.
IMHO, some people over react to tickling. It is not in and of itself, abuse.
I refuse to see a boogy man around every corner.
That is really subjective. I have a NO TICKLING rule in my house. As a kid, my siblings and my Uncle used to tickle me until I started crying. That is abuse.
A little goochie goochie goo for 2 seconds on a baby's chin is fine. but not when it renders the ticklee useless to defend themselves.

I agree, IKWTDS. What you went through was abuse. I guess people in my little corner of the world just do not do that kind of tickling. Everyone pretty much has a two second rule around here.

Our six year old DGS loves to be tickled. He always wants more tickles, but that is because he is not over tickled. He gets to make the rules.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

Lexxy wrote:
just Czech wrote:
I swear, ed, you see a pedophile around every corner..
Stop that.
From the answer in the OP, so does Prudie.

I saw that, but it doesn't necessarily mean that the old man is a pedophile, just a creepy old man.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I have an aunt with a no touching thing going on. She is the coldest, most distant person I know. Oh she is nice enough. But if you touch her in any way she visibly recoils.

No Ed, she was never abused in any way by anyone. Ever.

She wont even look a person in the eye when talking to them. The only thing wrong with her is her attitude.

So I wonder if the LW is over reacting.

And why does every mother ever mentioned in these things have to be elderly?

ed11563 · Guru

"she was never abused in any way by anyone. Ever."

First, you can't possibly know this.

Second, she might have a neurological problem, and might feel pain where most people would just feel a little pressure.

Frankly, from your description, she sounds like a puppy that's been beaten with a rolled up newspaper A LOT.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

ed11563 wrote:
"she was never abused in any way by anyone. Ever."

First, you can't possibly know this.
Second, she might have a neurological problem, and might feel pain where most people would just feel a little pressure.
Frankly, from your description, she sounds like a puppy that's been beaten with a rolled up newspaper A LOT.

Bejeezus. She could know that. Not everyone is an abuse victim.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Yes. I do know this. I know this like I know my own face in a mirror.

She is simply a strange bird.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

lilyofcourse wrote:
Yes. I do know this. I know this like I know my own face in a mirror.

She is simply a strange bird.

I think that something had to happen to make her that way.

flan

Ohfour · Hooker

Sounds very much like autism to me...

My exh was like this. He didn't like to be touched. And he never looked anyone in the eye. Still doesn't as far as u know. And I know for a fact that he was never abused...

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

There is nothing wrong with her. She is normal in every other way. I know Autism and this is not the case.

I know her. I know her sisters and parents. They are all like that. Just not touchy people.

once you get to know her and she knows you, she relaxes. And will do that cheek thing. But none of them are touchy feely.

She teaches 4th grade. Has taught for 30 years. Her daughter is the same way. Her son is not.

Trust me, there is nothing wrong with her. No reason for it other than just doesn't like it.

ed11563 · Guru

Bonny22Pye wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
"she was never abused in any way by anyone. Ever."

First, you can't possibly know this.
Second, she might have a neurological problem, and might feel pain where most people would just feel a little pressure.
Frankly, from your description, she sounds like a puppy that's been beaten with a rolled up newspaper A LOT.

Bejeezus. She could know that. Not everyone is an abuse victim.

Does she run away at the sight of a rolled up newspaper ?????

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Oh ffs...

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

Just punch him in the wiener every time he gets handsy. He will learn.

ed11563 · Guru

Carry a rolled up newspaper and whack him in the nose?

tlc · Regular

flan327 wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Yes. I do know this. I know this like I know my own face in a mirror.

She is simply a strange bird.

I think that something had to happen to make her that way.
flan

Yeah, like maybe it was the way she was raised. My parents are very unaffectionate. I don't like to be touched for the most part because it feels weird to me. My sisters and I weren't given much affection growing up, so we are all basically unaffectionate. I also don't really look people in the eye. That probably comes from me not wanting to see people staring at me. Also, I have weird eyes and if I fix my gaze on someone, they think I'm looking up at the ceiling because I have lazy eyes.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I think that may have some thing to do with it.

If you watch them enter act you will see them talking, laughing, cutting up with each other. They do for each other and take care of each other. You can see they love each other. But they don't hug. They are just not the touchy feely kind.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

My parents never hugged, either each other or the kids.

I changed that with my kids...Hugs feel good!

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

Good. Glad to hear it.

Honeys_Mom · Mod & Permanent Board Sweetheart

Southern_Belle wrote:
Just punch him in the wiener every time he gets handsy. He will learn.

I like the way you think. biggrin

tlc · Regular

This is how bad my parents are - when I initially got sick, like the 2nd day in the hospital when I was still unconscious and they thought I was going to die, my sister said my mom was really upset and crying and told my dad she needed a hug. He sort of awkwardly gave her a distant hug, she got madder, said she wanted a real hug, anyway, he attempted 3 times and could only muster a side hug. I'm actually surprised my mom even wanted a hug because she isn't a hugger either. My sister and I talked about it and we have had to come to terms with the fact that we can't be friends with our mom - she just isn't loving or nurturing, which is strange because my grandparents (her parents) were very loving and affectionate with us, but apparently not with her. My dad I can see why he is the way he is. His parents were very stoic, stuffy people.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have hugged me and those were really stiff, uncomfortable hugs.