Q. Daughter Doesn’t Want to Visit Grandfather: My father is in his 80s and lives in an assisted-living home. He has always had an excellent relationship with his grandkids, including my daughter, age 13. My daughter is an early bloomer and very sensitive about her new body. She also looks much older than she is. A few weeks ago, when we were visiting my father, a few other male residents asked her to “come and give them a kiss” or “sit on their lap.” My daughter was mortified and now refuses to visit my father. We can pick him up and bring him to our house for a visit, which is what we did this past weekend. But part of me wishes my daughter could brush off these comments.
A: You are an adult woman who can easily brush off the creepy comments from old men who might not be fully in control of their faculties. But you are cruelly dismissive of what was a shocking and awful experience for your daughter. She’s a girl who is only just attracting the attention of men. To have your daughter be invited by old men to kiss them and sit on their laps should bring out the momma bear in you. Instead you expect her to have an understanding of senility and the ability to gracefully deflect these creepy invitations. Surely, your father enjoys an outing from his facility, so that’s how your daughter should visit him. And you should revisit your attitude toward protecting your girl and giving her helpful, empathetic lessons in empowering herself and being able to handle the many uncomfortable situations that will inevitably come her way.
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The Principle of Least Interest: He who cares least about a relationship, controls it.
Mom should not make her daughter go to the facility. Continue to bring grandfather to the house as long as they can. Mom should also talk to the facility about having an area to visit to themselves. Preferably one where the daughter does not have to walk past any of these men.
Mom also needs to have an honest talk with her daughter. Explain that men (not just old senile ones either) sometimes make comments that are inappropriate. They do this because no one ever taught them to be respectful and the daughter needs to keep her head up and ignore. Mom (and hopefully dad) need to make sure to instill a good self confidence in their daughter so these comments are met with a pitying roll of the eyes instead of doubts of self worth.
The mom needs to first talk with her daughter. Give her the tools and techniques for dealing with this kind of thing from ANYONE. Cause this daughter cant go through life avoided situations just because she is uncomfortable. She needs to learn now how to handle this type of thing.
Another thing, mom can make sure she walks with the daughter and make sure she tells those men that this daughter is off limits. Make sure her daughter knows it is ok to stand up for herself.
She can ask the facility to help but she needs to keep in mind they might not be able to facilitate each and every thing a family asks.
The best way to deal with this is head on and with her daughter.
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Wtf is the matter with that mom?! If she heard these men talking like that she should have stood up for her daughter. Maybe then her daughter will feel better about going there knowing someone has her back.
And something is wrong with those men as well. They have a serious boundary and manners problem. That is disgusting.
Wtf is the matter with that mom?! If she heard these men talking like that she should have stood up for her daughter. Maybe then her daughter will feel better about going there knowing someone has her back.
And something is wrong with those men as well. They have a serious boundary and manners problem. That is disgusting.
The men could be senile, but it doesn't excuse the behavior and the staff needs to know the residents are sexually harassing minors (that's the way I would phrase it, for maximum impact).
But this mom is a piece of work. She needs to advocate for her daughter. Wtf is her problem?
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
My mom was in Assisted Living. And you don't have to sit with him in a group or at the general dining table. Dad could bring Gramps out to a quiet visiting area or go and sit in his room. I think there are ways to minimize this type of thing. They could call ahead and try to make arrangements with the staff to have gramps in a meeting room where they have privacy.
And, no you can't necessarily excuse behavior but you really cannot control the behavior of the senile.
The mom needs to step up and protect her daughter from these senile dirty old men, period.
If DD doesn't want to go, don't make her for crying out loud. Think woman, think!
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I don't necessarily agree. I don't think you have to quit vising gramps. Going to a nursing home is no fun period. Yes, I agree that she needs to figure out a way to protect her daughter, of course. But, she could go pick him up and take him out for lunch or do some of the other things I suggested. I think it is important for children to visit their grandparents.
While visiting our dBIL in the nursing home, his roommate was a "spitter" - he could hawk one up and project it from his bed clear across the room! Our daughters made a game of it - seeing who could get out of his line of fire the closest!
Mom! All you have to do is walk with your daughter, and give those old coots the "MM stare"! if they make inappropriate comments.
My mom was in Assisted Living. And you don't have to sit with him in a group or at the general dining table. Dad could bring Gramps out to a quiet visiting area or go and sit in his room. I think there are ways to minimize this type of thing. They could call ahead and try to make arrangements with the staff to have gramps in a meeting room where they have privacy.
And, no you can't necessarily excuse behavior but you really cannot control the behavior of the senile.
I am a little confused, but that is not so new. Your mom was in Assisted Living. And your Dad could bring Gramps out to a quiet visiting area. I am having trouble figuring out who was where and what.....
While visiting our dBIL in the nursing home, his roommate was a "spitter" - he could hawk one up and project it from his bed clear across the room! Our daughters made a game of it - seeing who could get out of his line of fire the closest!
Mom! All you have to do is walk with your daughter, and give those old coots the "MM stare"! if they make inappropriate comments.
I am not sure the MM stare would work on senile old people...it probably wouldn't even register.
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Out of all the lies I have told, "just kidding" is my favorite !
My mom was in Assisted Living. And you don't have to sit with him in a group or at the general dining table. Dad could bring Gramps out to a quiet visiting area or go and sit in his room. I think there are ways to minimize this type of thing. They could call ahead and try to make arrangements with the staff to have gramps in a meeting room where they have privacy.
And, no you can't necessarily excuse behavior but you really cannot control the behavior of the senile.
I am a little confused, but that is not so new. Your mom was in Assisted Living. And your Dad could bring Gramps out to a quiet visiting area. I am having trouble figuring out who was where and what.....
Not my Dad or gramps. I am talking about the OP. The OP, she or her husband or whatever could go pick up Gramps or run interference to get him into a private visiting area.
