TOTALLY GEEKED!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Dear Miss Manners: Mom Orders All the Food at Restaurants

FNW · Guru

Weird, so don't go out with her. Or get there first.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Does she also follow them to the bathroom to make sure they wipe correctly?

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well, how old is mom? I mean, the Bible say "Do not despise your mother when she is Old". And, is it really a big deal to just indulge people at times?

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, how old is mom? I mean, the Bible say "Do not despise your mother when she is Old". And, is it really a big deal to just indulge people at times?

She needs to treat her children with respect, imho.

flan

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, how old is mom? I mean, the Bible say "Do not despise your mother when she is Old". And, is it really a big deal to just indulge people at times?
She needs to treat her children with respect, imho.
flan

Everyone demanding "respect" gets tiring. Just let the old lady order your dinner. Gosh. Who cares? Nobody is in danger of starving. Sheesh.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, how old is mom? I mean, the Bible say "Do not despise your mother when she is Old". And, is it really a big deal to just indulge people at times?
She needs to treat her children with respect, imho.
flan
Everyone demanding "respect" gets tiring. Just let the old lady order your dinner. Gosh. Who cares? Nobody is in danger of starving. Sheesh.

Will you do this to your kids when they are middle-aged?

evileye

flan

JPT · Senior Member

Not saying this applies in the OP situation, but in DH's family (cultural), family parties were held at a restaurant, and the host always chose all the dishes to be served (it was family style, Chinese if it makes any difference). Usually, it was a 9 course meal, and discussing the choice of dishes, while complimenting the generosity and good taste of the host was the norm. The only times we ordered on a separate check was if the meal contained mostly shellfish (DH is allergic)

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
flan327 wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Well, how old is mom? I mean, the Bible say "Do not despise your mother when she is Old". And, is it really a big deal to just indulge people at times?
She needs to treat her children with respect, imho.
flan
Everyone demanding "respect" gets tiring. Just let the old lady order your dinner. Gosh. Who cares? Nobody is in danger of starving. Sheesh.
Will you do this to your kids when they are middle-aged?
flan

I won't. I don't have the energy to want to control people. I don't care enough to make that kind of effort, lol. Hell, I don't care now what they eat!

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

I'd call the restaurant as well and order what I wanted and pay for it myself.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Mom is nuts. But I don't understand why they don't simply say "If I don't get to choose and order my own food, there's no point in going to a restaurant." And if she does it again, leave when you get there or send the food back and order something else.

-- Edited by Lawyerlady on Friday 6th of March 2015 12:06:26 PM

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

It is peculiar but I would hope she is ordering things she knows her kids like. My mother knows me well enough that if she chose to order for me it would be to my liking.

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

I wonder if it's controlling or budget driven.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

If mom is paying, then eat what she orders.

If you want something different, order and pay for it your self.

I wonder if this is always a one way street. Does the LW ever invite mom out and pay?

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Maybe it's budget driven. For our wedding rehearsal dinner and several other events where we have hosted dinner for a large group of people at a very nice, not cheap, steak house we did the following. We went in early and met with the manager. We reserved a table for our party of about twenty. We told him what our price range was for each meal and then he chose five options in that range. Steak, chicken, seafood, ribs, and something else. Then he made menus with those options on it and left them on the table for when the guests began showing up. This helped us control the cost but not dictate to our family and friends what they had to eat. All I can think of is mom is trying to control costs.

They should just order whatever they want and pay for it themselves.

Lindley · Guru

Maybe she does that to keep them from ordering the most expensive item on the menu. A Couple in my family use to do that to us. When we go out to dinner and since they did not have to much money we would pay. They always found the most expensive item on the menu. My dh was so much nicer then I was and this was my family.

Or she may just be controlling.

just Czech · Give Me Grand's!

Middle aged children? Like in their late 30's to mid 40's. That would make mom in her late 60's to early 70's. My bet would be on budget issues if she is retired and on a limited income.
Or she's off in the head already.
Mom wants a family style dinner, meaning you all eat the same food like when you're at home. Mom may want to maintain that same style and feel of home.
If mom won't change, then stop going. I don't see this as a hill to die on.

voiceofreason · Guru

I just went out with friends and the daughter ordered for the mom who was running late. The mom ended up ordering an additional side.

I don't think the LW dislikes the food choice, she dislikes the controlling behavior. If she knows this is the way things go, then just decline the invite.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Sorry, if you are going to invite someone out to dinner, don't take them someplace that you can't afford anything they will order off the menu. She's a damn control freak - like mommy dearest.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lawyerlady wrote:
Sorry, if you are going to invite someone out to dinner, don't take them someplace that you can't afford anything they will order off the menu. She's a damn control freak - like mommy dearest.

I don't agree LL. When we threw our parties at the restaurant we knew that my SIL and BIL would order the most expensive things on the menu. Just because they could. Even when we had the manager do up menus they still ordered a steak dinner for their then four month old daughter. There are some people who are notorious for abusing generosity.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Sorry, if you are going to invite someone out to dinner, don't take them someplace that you can't afford anything they will order off the menu. She's a damn control freak - like mommy dearest.
I don't agree LL. When we threw our parties at the restaurant we knew that my SIL and BIL would order the most expensive things on the menu. Just because they could. Even when we had the manager do up menus they still ordered a steak dinner for their then four month old daughter. There are some people who are notorious for abusing generosity.

That is an extreme example. The simple solution is to not invite them something with such a wide range. Take them to Applebees or IHOP, not Outback.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Southern_Belle wrote:
I'd call the restaurant as well and order what I wanted and pay for it myself.

Me too!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

If it made my mom happy, I don't care.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
If it made my mom happy, I don't care.

If my mother insisted on paying and she ordered what she could afford, yeah then I wouldn't care. But if that were the case I would call the restaurant ahead of time and tell them that they could go through the motions of taking mom's CC but not to charge it and I would pay it.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

My parents wanted to pay. I tried to pay and push it but finally I just relaxed and let them. I will do the same with my kids.

ed11563 · Guru

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
If it made my mom happy, I don't care.
If my mother insisted on paying and she ordered what she could afford, yeah then I wouldn't care. But if that were the case I would call the restaurant ahead of time and tell them that they could go through the motions of taking mom's CC but not to charge it and I would pay it.

Good solution smile

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

There is an assumption that this is a money issue. What if it is not? What if mom is just being extremely controlling?

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lawyerlady wrote:
There is an assumption that this is a money issue. What if it is not? What if mom is just being extremely controlling?

This is my take as well. Going to a restaurant is NOT the same as eating at someone's house (which is what Mom claims).

flan

Mary Zombie · Guru

I would probably send it back and order what I wanted if I didn't like or want what was ordered. And pay for it myself.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

MARY!!!!!!!

Good to see you!

flan

Mary Zombie · Guru

Hey there! Its been crazy at work....hard to post! Muahhhh!

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Mary Zombie wrote:
Hey there! Its been crazy at work....hard to post! Muahhhh!

Well, that's no fun!

flan

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

All this calling ahead to restaurants and arranging things to do with who is paying what and being sneaky and stuff is ridiculous. The restaurant is not there to deal with and settle family issues. I know I would have done the best I could have to accommodate but it really wouldn't have been my job to mediate a family.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Sorry, if you are going to invite someone out to dinner, don't take them someplace that you can't afford anything they will order off the menu. She's a damn control freak - like mommy dearest.
I don't agree LL. When we threw our parties at the restaurant we knew that my SIL and BIL would order the most expensive things on the menu. Just because they could. Even when we had the manager do up menus they still ordered a steak dinner for their then four month old daughter. There are some people who are notorious for abusing generosity.
That is an extreme example. The simple solution is to not invite them something with such a wide range. Take them to Applebees or IHOP, not Outback.

Sometimes it just doesn't work like that. My SIL was in my wedding. I couldn't exactly not invite her to wedding party dinner. Also, whether or not you invite her to something doesn't matter. They have a tendency to show up anywhere the family is that they know they are getting free food. I guess we could turn her away and look like a complete ass. The other option is to find a way to deal with it that makes everyone happy.

ed11563 · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Sometimes it just doesn't work like that. My SIL was in my wedding. I couldn't exactly not invite her to wedding party dinner. Also, whether or not you invite her to something doesn't matter. They have a tendency to show up anywhere the family is that they know they are getting free food. I guess we could turn her away and look like a complete ass. The other option is to find a way to deal with it that makes everyone happy.

Separate checks for those who were not invited.

When there is a pre-set menu for those in a group, and someone orders something different, the wait staff has to turn them down.

We have often had pre-set menu choices for meals at sales meetings. Ordering something else would get a person their own check.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

ed11563 wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Sometimes it just doesn't work like that. My SIL was in my wedding. I couldn't exactly not invite her to wedding party dinner. Also, whether or not you invite her to something doesn't matter. They have a tendency to show up anywhere the family is that they know they are getting free food. I guess we could turn her away and look like a complete ass. The other option is to find a way to deal with it that makes everyone happy.
Separate checks for those who were not invited.

When there is a pre-set menu for those in a group, and someone orders something different, the wait staff has to turn them down.
We have often had pre-set menu choices for meals at sales meetings. Ordering something else would get a person their own check.

The pre-set menu has always worked for us. It's not like we don't offer them a choice. And if they choose to order off the regular menu they can pay for it themselves. My SIL and BIL (The ones having the tacky shower.) are just cheap. Sometimes you have to work with what you have. We wanted to have our wedding dinner at the steakhouse where we had our first date. We didn't feel like we should have to go to IHOP for our wedding dinner just because my SIL has no class.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

ed11563 wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Sometimes it just doesn't work like that. My SIL was in my wedding. I couldn't exactly not invite her to wedding party dinner. Also, whether or not you invite her to something doesn't matter. They have a tendency to show up anywhere the family is that they know they are getting free food. I guess we could turn her away and look like a complete ass. The other option is to find a way to deal with it that makes everyone happy.
Separate checks for those who were not invited.

When there is a pre-set menu for those in a group, and someone orders something different, the wait staff has to turn them down.
We have often had pre-set menu choices for meals at sales meetings. Ordering something else would get a person their own check.

Same here. We would go to meetings and were handed a printout of a choice of 3 items we could choose. Unless they forgot to include a vegetarian item, everyone chose from that list and no one was traumatized by it. We usually were not handed the regular menu so someone could not order off of it and if they tried, the waitstaff just said something like "your choices today are the pasta or the chicken, which can I get for you?" Easy peasy.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Mellow Momma wrote:
ed11563 wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Sometimes it just doesn't work like that. My SIL was in my wedding. I couldn't exactly not invite her to wedding party dinner. Also, whether or not you invite her to something doesn't matter. They have a tendency to show up anywhere the family is that they know they are getting free food. I guess we could turn her away and look like a complete ass. The other option is to find a way to deal with it that makes everyone happy.
Separate checks for those who were not invited.

When there is a pre-set menu for those in a group, and someone orders something different, the wait staff has to turn them down.
We have often had pre-set menu choices for meals at sales meetings. Ordering something else would get a person their own check.
Same here. We would go to meetings and were handed a printout of a choice of 3 items we could choose. Unless they forgot to include a vegetarian item, everyone chose from that list and no one was traumatized by it. We usually were not handed the regular menu so someone could not order off of it and if they tried, the waitstaff just said something like "your choices today are the pasta or the chicken, which can I get for you?" Easy peasy.

Yep. I'm not sure how having an alternate menu when having a party is that big of a deal.

Of course, this OP could just be a controlling bitch. We don't have all the info.

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

It sounds as if the OP's mom is saying "let's meet at Applebee's for dinner" and when they arrive she has already ordered for everyone. That's my take on it. It's not a private party as much as it is a get together and mom is controlling and ordering for everyone.

In that case, I would eat beforehand and tell mom, "that's not what I wanted, so I will just have water today" and not touch the food. Let mom take it home if she wants to. Don't take it yourself. After a few times, mom will get the picture I bet.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Mellow Momma wrote:
It sounds as if the OP's mom is saying "let's meet at Applebee's for dinner" and when they arrive she has already ordered for everyone. That's my take on it. It's not a private party as much as it is a get together and mom is controlling and ordering for everyone.

In that case, I would eat beforehand and tell mom, "that's not what I wanted, so I will just have water today" and not touch the food. Let mom take it home if she wants to. Don't take it yourself. After a few times, mom will get the picture I bet.

Yep, if it's about control then there are many ways to deal with it.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

And it sounds like they've already tried talking to her...

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I would just go and order what I wanted. I'd make sure to tell the waiter I'd be paying for it myself. If Mom said anything I would tell her flat out, "I'm going to eat what I want. If you don't want to pay for it I will. I have no problem with that. If this situation doesn't make you happy maybe we can make other plans to get together. You raised me well enough to make simple decisions about what I want to eat so now I'm going to make that decision."

Blankie · Guru

I would order for myself and pay for it myself if need be. I have digestive issues and I need to choose carefully, can't have someone ordering for me.

This mother sounds controlling. If it's a money issue, then why the heck is she hosting and paying for it over and over?

Just go dutch and let everyone order what they want, for criminy's sake.

-- Edited by Blankie on Saturday 7th of March 2015 03:51:58 PM

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Sorry, if you are going to invite someone out to dinner, don't take them someplace that you can't afford anything they will order off the menu. She's a damn control freak - like mommy dearest.
I don't agree LL. When we threw our parties at the restaurant we knew that my SIL and BIL would order the most expensive things on the menu. Just because they could. Even when we had the manager do up menus they still ordered a steak dinner for their then four month old daughter. There are some people who are notorious for abusing generosity.
That is an extreme example. The simple solution is to not invite them something with such a wide range. Take them to Applebees or IHOP, not Outback.
Sometimes it just doesn't work like that. My SIL was in my wedding. I couldn't exactly not invite her to wedding party dinner. Also, whether or not you invite her to something doesn't matter. They have a tendency to show up anywhere the family is that they know they are getting free food. I guess we could turn her away and look like a complete ass. The other option is to find a way to deal with it that makes everyone happy.

But you could have had your dinner party somewhere that didn't include dishes outside your budget.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I just don't see a big deal here. I dunno. Everything in life doesn't have to be a pissing contest. Let the old lady win at this one thing.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Lawyerlady wrote:

But you could have had your dinner party somewhere that didn't include dishes outside your budget.

Explain to me why we should change the venue from where WE want just because we have one moronic clod in the family?

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

This just would not be my hill to die on.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Thanks mom. I really enjoyed the meatloaf and pureed green beans. So what. I will live to eat another day. Id it made My Mom happy then it would have made me happy.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:

But you could have had your dinner party somewhere that didn't include dishes outside your budget.
Explain to me why we should change the venue from where WE want just because we have one moronic clod in the family?

Because you can't seem to TELL her "I'm only paying for this food, not this food". Or better yet, have the waiter tell her that's not included and if she orders it, they will give her a separate bill. I do not understand why people can't TELL people the way things are. You are the one who ended up paying for an expensive meal and resenting it.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
Thanks mom. I really enjoyed the meatloaf and pureed green beans. So what. I will live to eat another day. Id it made My Mom happy then it would have made me happy.

I won't eat meatloaf even for my mother. Not happening. This would happen exactly ONCE, and I would tell them to box it up and send it home with mom and then order my own food.