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Post Info TOPIC: Dear Abby: I Won't Date a Man who Earns Less than Me
Lady Gaga Snerd


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Dear Abby: I Won't Date a Man who Earns Less than Me
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DEAR ABBY: I'm a 33-year-old single woman, a nurse who paid for my own education and am still trying to further it. I work a lot, have a nice car and I am remodeling my house. I make good money, but I have to take certain training, keep my licenses current, etc. I'm serious about my career, and I'm proud of myself.

I was talking to a friend the other day about dating, and I said I wouldn't date someone who made half or less than what I do. I was used as a cash cow in previous relationships and I'm not putting up with it anymore. This makes dating difficult at times, but I'm sticking to my guns. She said it makes me a snob because not everyone earns what I do.

Abby, I'm not a snob by any means. I'm generous toward my loved ones. But I feel that in this day and age, people can always better themselves like I have, and I don't want another man thinking I will support him. It's not fair to me. Any advice? -- LOOKING FOR MY EQUAL

DEAR LOOKING: Your friend was correct when she said not everyone has the earning capacity that you do. But you are right in your conviction that people can better themselves if they are determined to do it.

Considering your personal history, I don't think you're a snob for feeling the way you do. That said, however, I would hate to think you might exclude a great guy who earns less, because he could be helpful in other ways and have qualities the others don't.

http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2015/3/15/tall-teenager-is-reluctant-to-stand

 



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ed11563


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How can I introduce her to my 39 y.o. son?

 



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Domestic Engineer


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Ed, I have a 31 yr old daughter. But he'd need to move south, because I'd hate for my dd to move away. 😊

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This could have been written by me after I got my nursing license. I was single, with three kids, and worked my arse off to get my BSN. No way in hell I would have married some dude who flipped burgers. I have great respect for those that do that for a living but I don't want to marry one. If that makes me a snob then so be it. College changes you. Your thinking, your attitudes. I wanted someone who could challenge me in those areas. And I felt like I worked hard to get where I was so there was no reason to support someone who couldn't make it on their own. I see nothing wrong with this. She says you might pass up a good man who doesn't make a lot of money. Well, money is one of the biggest fights in marriage so if he doesn't make it before it's probably going to cause problems later. Plus, generally higher paying jobs come with more benefits. Time off, insurance, and things like this. All important if you plan on having a family. I don't think this lady is a snob at all. Unless she says something like she won't date a guy because he makes a thousand a year less than her. But if the earning potential is there she's just looking out for herself. And I'd say the same thing for a man. He has every right to look for an equal.

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FNW


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This was me. I had "settled" in the past, and wasn't happy. I was used by a couple guys for my earning potential. I supported an ex until he found himself a job and then I was outta there. I know my limits, and what would make me happy. And I stuck to my guns on this one.

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Raising hand from the "used" camp.

It really isn't even so much about the money as it is about the education and drive. Most people with the same level of education and drive as the LW will earn similar amounts. I've tried dating those that don't have similar drive and such as I and found out that my drive is due to a particular personality factor. It's that personality factor that really is the issue here.

You know its funny. A guy I dated once earned near similar money as I, but didn't have the education, also he wasn't a saver. We were going out one night to a pricey place, his suggestion. He told me on the way he had no money so I would have to pay so I told him I didn't want to go, I would go somewhere else because the cost was beyond what I would spend to go out. I didn't mind paying for myself, but wouldn't pay for both of us. I was feeling very used.

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Wow. That's pretty tacky. But at least he let you know ahead of time rather than waiting until the check came.

I agree on the education and drive. That's basically what I did. Held out for a guy who had an established career and higher education. And who was a gentleman. For others, their definitions vary. For me, it meant someone who would not accept money on a date (I would offer on the first and second date) and who would get the door.

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I agree it's about drive and ambition. It would drive me nutso to know that I worked my arse off to put myself through school as a single mom and then some guy would tell me there's nothing he can do to make more money. I couldn't deal with that.

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And you know, I don't know too many guys who make $100,000 a year hanging out at the welfare office looking for wives either. They at the very minimum want someone who comes from a family that is well to do. Same thing in my book.

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I actually don't like being with someone who makes more than me, in my experience they tend to lord their money over me and I constantly get guilted for not being able to contribute to the relationship financially as much as them.

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In a healthy relationship people don't use money as a weapon. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who do. Just like those who use their kids as weapons. Or sex. And thus the divorce rate. Money is the number one thing couples fight about. And all the other things, like kids and stuff, can most of the time tie into money in some way.

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VetteGirl wrote:

I actually don't like being with someone who makes more than me, in my experience they tend to lord their money over me and I constantly get guilted for not being able to contribute to the relationship financially as much as them.

 That has to do with particular guy's personality,  As FNW said, she held out for a guy that didn't do such stuff.  You are better than that Vette.



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Whenitrains


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I won't date someone who I had to support. A friend let her guy move in, they talked it all about who was paying what (she made a lot more than him), and we joked about how long it take him to lose his job so she would be supporting him. The day he moved in with her he said he got laid off his job. Turns out he quit and kept saying he couldn't find another job (it was more like he wouldn't.)

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Bonny22Pye


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I make the cash in my household and it can be problematic.

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I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:

I actually don't like being with someone who makes more than me, in my experience they tend to lord their money over me and I constantly get guilted for not being able to contribute to the relationship financially as much as them.

 That has to do with particular guy's personality,  As FNW said, she held out for a guy that didn't do such stuff.  You are better than that Vette.

 Exactly.



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ed11563


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VetteGirl wrote:

I actually don't like being with someone who makes more than me, in my experience they tend to lord their money over me and I constantly get guilted for not being able to contribute to the relationship financially as much as them.

I just don't get this. Where do you find these parasites??? 

You're clearly not looking in the right places, or you're attracting -- and attracted to -- guys who are users.

I've never asked a woman for money, the only times I've accepted money from a woman was when she asked me to help her find the right something to buy FOR HERSELF.

And even then, if it was someone I was close to, I'd gift her part or all of it if I could and it felt reasonable. (As in, "help me buy a new TV and DVD recorder", total $500; too much for me to give as a gift.)

 

I'm pretty sure both my sons are the same way. I know DS1 gives people a lot of gifts. DS2 is married to a woman who is angry all the time, and might be a user; I'm not sure.

 

But there HAVE to be guys around who are NOT parasites. You have to be able to recognize and appreciate them, rather than find yourself attracted to the users.

So, honestly, I'm confused.

 

 



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This is my DD. She won't date someone who doesn't have a steady paying job. In NYC, too many wanna be actors, musicians, dancers, DJ's etc. The dream is fine, but have a job that pays the rent too. She wouldn't even date someone who didn't have a "real job".

She dated a few Wall Street types. They were almost without exception, true a-holes to the very core. They expected her to deliver the goods just because they bought her dinner. She didn't like that and didn't like the feeling of it being a transaction. One of them flat out asked her what he could buy her to get her into bed. She told him she wasn't a prostitute, ordered an expensive dinner and when the food arrived, she went to the restroom and never returned to the table.



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Southern_Belle


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I'd date someone who made a little less IF he was not buried in debt and was smart with his money. I don't want to date someone who can't even put gas in his car or go have a little fun. I let the ex bf move in when he had no job. BIG MISTAKE. He took 10 months to find a job. He took one making much less than he had earned previously. He never contributed what I'd consider his fair shate. He also didn't help with yard work or house work.

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burns07


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well, you've got to pay the bills--earnings has never been a barometer for me regards women--have found that whether she enjoys what she does is a lot more important than what she makes doing it--have never expected women to pay my way and they never have ( they've offered for sure but i've always declined )--not interested in dating anyone at all but if so, would be more concerned about their entire picture than what they earn vs what i earn


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