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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Backhanded Compliments and Sugarcoated Hostility
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Backhanded Compliments and Sugarcoated Hostility

How to quickly recognize passive aggression.
Post published by Signe Whitson L.S.W. on Feb 03, 2012 in Passive Aggressive Diaries
 

Is there someone in your life who consistently makes you feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster? Do you know a person who is friendly one day but sulks and withdraws the next? Does a family member or friend consistently procrastinate, postpone, stall, and shut down any emotionally-laden conversations? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, chances are you may be interacting with a passive aggressive (link is external) person.

Passive aggression (link is external) is a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger (Long, Long & Whitson, 2008). It involves a range of behaviors designed to get back at another person without him recognizing the underlying anger. These ten common passive aggressive phrases can serve as an early-warning system for you, helping you recognize hidden hostility when it is being directed your way:

1. "I'm Not Mad."
Denying feelings of anger is classic passive aggressive behavior. Rather than being upfront and honest when questioned about his feelings, the passive aggressive person insists, "I'm not mad" even when he is seething on the inside.

2. "Fine." "Whatever."
Sulking and withdrawing from arguments are primary strategies of the passive aggressive person. Since passive aggression is motivated by a person's belief that expressing anger directly will only make his life worse (Long, Long & Whitson, 2008), the passive aggressive person uses phrases like "Fine" and "Whatever" to express anger indirectly and to shut down direct, emotionally honest communication.

 

3. "I'm Coming!"
Passive aggressive persons are known for verbally complying with a request, but behaviorally delaying its completion. If whenever you ask your child to clean his room, he cheerfully says, "Okay, I'm coming," but then fails to show up to complete the chore, chances are he is practicing the fine passive aggressive art of temporary compliance.

4. "I Didn't Know You Meant Now."

On a related note, passive aggressive persons are master procrastinators. While all of us like to put off unpleasant tasks from time to time, people with passive aggressive personalities rely on procrastination as a way of frustrating others and/or getting out of certain chores without having to directly refuse them.

5. "You Just Want Everything to be Perfect."

When procrastination is not an option, a more sophisticated passive aggressive strategy is to carry out tasks in a timely, but unacceptable manner. For example:

• A student hands in sloppy homework
• A husband prepares a well-done steak for his wife, though he knows she prefers to eat steak rare
• An employee dramatically overspends his budget on an important project

In all of these instances, the passive aggressive person complies with a particular request, but carries it out in an intentionally inefficient way. When confronted, he defends his work, counter-accusing others of having rigid or perfectionist standards.

6. "I Thought You Knew."
Sometimes, the perfect passive aggressive crime has to do with omission. Passive aggressive persons may express their anger covertly by choosing not to share information when it could prevent a problem. By claiming ignorance, the person defends his inaction, while taking pleasure in his foe's trouble and anguish.

7. "Sure, I'd be Happy To."
Have you ever been in a customer service situation where a seemingly concerned clerk or super-polite phone operator assures you that your problem will be solved. On the surface, the representative is cooperative, but beware of his angry smile; behind the scenes, he is filing your request in the trash and stamping your paperwork with "DENY."

8. "You've Done so Well for Someone with Your Education Level."
The backhanded compliment is the ultimate socially acceptable means by which the passive aggressive person insults you to your core. If anyone has ever told you, "Don't worry-you can still get braces even at your age" or "There are a lot of men out there who like plump women," chances are you know how much "joy" a passive aggressive compliment can bring.

9. "I Was Only Joking"
Like backhanded compliments, sarcasm is a common tool of a passive aggressive person who expresses his hostility aloud, but in socially acceptable, indirect ways. If you show that you are offended by biting, passive aggressive sarcasm, the hostile joke teller plays up his role as victim, asking, "Can't you take a joke?"

10. "Why Are You Getting So Upset?"
The passive aggressive person is a master at maintaining his calm and feigning shock when others, worn down by his indirect hostility, blow up in ager. In fact, he takes pleasure out of setting others up to lose their cool and then questioning their "overreactions."

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201202/backhanded-compliments-and-sugarcoated-hostility



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Southern_Belle


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I told someone "bless your heart" today. And I meant it as an insult.

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just Czech


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I know adults who can not handle any emotion whatsoever. I'm in the process of quietly walking away from them.

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Southern_Belle


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I've been walking away from some people in my life too. They have emotion but it's hate. I can't handle toxic people anymore.

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just Czech


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Southern_Belle wrote:

I've been walking away from some people in my life too. They have emotion but it's hate. I can't handle toxic people anymore.

I avoid the hateful individuals as well. 



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Southern_Belle wrote:

I told someone "bless your heart" today. And I meant it as an insult.

 It's an artbiggrin



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Southern_Belle


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It was perfect.

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Blankie


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lilyofcourse wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

I told someone "bless your heart" today. And I meant it as an insult.

 It's an artbiggrin

I'm on to that Southern trick, y'all. Bless your heart means stick a knife in it. 



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Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

I told someone "bless your heart" today. And I meant it as an insult.

 It's an artbiggrin

I'm on to that Southern trick, y'all. Bless your heart means stick a knife in it. 

 Not always.  Sometimes, it's actually meant to convey real sympathy.

So, you never know.



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flan327


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Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

I told someone "bless your heart" today. And I meant it as an insult.

 It's an artbiggrin

I'm on to that Southern trick, y'all. Bless your heart means stick a knife in it. 

 Not always.  Sometimes, it's actually meant to convey real sympathy.

So, you never know.

 Yeah, tone is definitely important!

flan



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lilyofcourse


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Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

I told someone "bless your heart" today. And I meant it as an insult.

 It's an artbiggrin

I'm on to that Southern trick, y'all. Bless your heart means stick a knife in it. 

 Not always.  Sometimes, it's actually meant to convey real sympathy.

So, you never know.

And that is the beauty of it. 



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Charley Harper
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I want to be Southern.

I'm on the "walk away" list. Too old to permit mean people to hurt me and my family.

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Sometimes going formal with a Yes SIR or yes MAAM and accentuating those can be a passive aggressive approach.

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Blankie


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lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

I told someone "bless your heart" today. And I meant it as an insult.

 It's an artbiggrin

I'm on to that Southern trick, y'all. Bless your heart means stick a knife in it. 

 Not always.  Sometimes, it's actually meant to convey real sympathy.

So, you never know.

And that is the beauty of it. 

 Not beautiful for the recipient, who can never assume that it's sincere. Which means it's really useless.



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how you treat people ultimately tells all.

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Vette


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I would like to stick a knife into "bless your heart." It really needs to go away.

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Southern_Belle


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We also use "well aint you sweet!"

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LOL, I use "you're such a peach".  wink



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Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

I told someone "bless your heart" today. And I meant it as an insult.

 It's an artbiggrin

I'm on to that Southern trick, y'all. Bless your heart means stick a knife in it. 

 Not always.  Sometimes, it's actually meant to convey real sympathy.

So, you never know.

And that is the beauty of it. 

 Not beautiful for the recipient, who can never assume that it's sincere. Which means it's really useless.

If any woman ever says that to me, I think I'd respond with a bright happy "Thank you!" and probably hug her. 

Good idea?

 



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Vette


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I would say sometimes I'm passive aggressive and sometimes I'm not. It depends on the situation, whether it warrants it, who I am dealing with and also what kind of mood I'm in at the time.

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Mellow Momma


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Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

I told someone "bless your heart" today. And I meant it as an insult.

 It's an artbiggrin

I'm on to that Southern trick, y'all. Bless your heart means stick a knife in it. 

 Not always.  Sometimes, it's actually meant to convey real sympathy.

So, you never know.

And that is the beauty of it. 

 Not beautiful for the recipient, who can never assume that it's sincere. Which means it's really useless.

 And isn't saying something with the intention of being rude just plain rude ? Who cares if the words SOUND nice if you don't mean them that way? I think it's an awfully ignorant way to speak to someone.



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Yeah I am a bit more direct lol.

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lilyofcourse


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Mellow Momma wrote:
Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

I told someone "bless your heart" today. And I meant it as an insult.

 It's an artbiggrin

I'm on to that Southern trick, y'all. Bless your heart means stick a knife in it. 

 Not always.  Sometimes, it's actually meant to convey real sympathy.

So, you never know.

And that is the beauty of it. 

 Not beautiful for the recipient, who can never assume that it's sincere. Which means it's really useless.

 And isn't saying something with the intention of being rude just plain rude ? Who cares if the words SOUND nice if you don't mean them that way? I think it's an awfully ignorant way to speak to someone.

Aww.. Well. Bless your heart darlin.  



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Mellow Momma


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Thank you for proving my point

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flan327


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Mellow Momma wrote:

Thank you for proving my point

Amen!

flan 



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Vette


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Yep. Might as well tell someone to **** off.

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lilyofcourse


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Mellow Momma wrote:

Thank you for proving my point

 You are so cute when you turn your nose up like that. 



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Mellow Momma wrote:
Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

I told someone "bless your heart" today. And I meant it as an insult.

 It's an artbiggrin

I'm on to that Southern trick, y'all. Bless your heart means stick a knife in it. 

 Not always.  Sometimes, it's actually meant to convey real sympathy.

So, you never know.

And that is the beauty of it. 

 Not beautiful for the recipient, who can never assume that it's sincere. Which means it's really useless.

 And isn't saying something with the intention of being rude just plain rude ? Who cares if the words SOUND nice if you don't mean them that way? I think it's an awfully ignorant way to speak to someone.

 If a Southern woman is blessing your heart in a bad way, she doesn't really are what you think or if you know she is being rude.  She just doesn't want to curse at you, because that's not ladylike.



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flan327


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I curse and I'm a lady.

flan

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flan327 wrote:

I curse and I'm a lady.

flan

 You are not Southern.  Southern ladies don't curse (or do so VERY rarely). 

 

After moving here, I actually didn't notice it right away.  But when a northern friend from New York visited, it was really noticeable how much she swore b/c you just don't hear that around here.



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And notice how I didn't comment on your lady-ness.

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flan327


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Lawyerlady wrote:

And notice how I didn't comment on your lady-ness.

Are you feeling okay, LL?

evileye

flan 



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Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:

I curse and I'm a lady.

flan

 You are not Southern.  Southern ladies don't curse (or do so VERY rarely). 

 

After moving here, I actually didn't notice it right away.  But when a northern friend from New York visited, it was really noticeable how much she swore b/c you just don't hear that around here.

 I agree.  I moved from L.A. to WV and the first time I said "sh*t" you could have heard a pin drop.  I learned instantly to knock it off.



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flan327


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FNW wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
flan327 wrote:

I curse and I'm a lady.

flan

 You are not Southern.  Southern ladies don't curse (or do so VERY rarely). 

 

After moving here, I actually didn't notice it right away.  But when a northern friend from New York visited, it was really noticeable how much she swore b/c you just don't hear that around here.

 I agree.  I moved from L.A. to WV and the first time I said "sh*t" you could have heard a pin drop.  I learned instantly to knock it off.

Note to self:

Forget about moving to South Carolina after I retire...

flan 



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lilyofcourse


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Lawyerlady wrote:
Mellow Momma wrote:
Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
Blankie wrote:
lilyofcourse wrote:
Southern_Belle wrote:

I told someone "bless your heart" today. And I meant it as an insult.

 It's an artbiggrin

I'm on to that Southern trick, y'all. Bless your heart means stick a knife in it. 

 Not always.  Sometimes, it's actually meant to convey real sympathy.

So, you never know.

And that is the beauty of it. 

 Not beautiful for the recipient, who can never assume that it's sincere. Which means it's really useless.

 And isn't saying something with the intention of being rude just plain rude ? Who cares if the words SOUND nice if you don't mean them that way? I think it's an awfully ignorant way to speak to someone.

 If a Southern woman is blessing your heart in a bad way, she doesn't really are what you think or if you know she is being rude.  She just doesn't want to curse at you, because that's not ladylike.

 Exactly. Cursing is for the riffraff. The uncouth. Those with no self respect or self control. It isn't lady like. 

And honestly there are so many words in the English language, why would some one want to use them? Being articulate is a good thing.



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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You don't really care about being articulate if you hit your thumb with a hammer. A few curse words articulates quite well.

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Southern_Belle


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Sometimes you just have to drop the "f" bomb.

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lilyofcourse


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I don't understand why that is the first thing a person does.

Why curse? It just makes a person look uneducated to me. It's common.

I know it hurts. I've smashed my thumb with a hammer, had hands slammed in doors, broken bones, slashed flesh, been hurt in hundreds of ways. Cursing has never been what came out of my mouth.



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flan327


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Southern_Belle wrote:

Sometimes you just have to drop the "f" bomb.

 Studies have shown that cursing helps relieve stress.

flan



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lilyofcourse wrote:

I don't understand why that is the first thing a person does.

Why curse? It just makes a person look uneducated to me. It's common.

I know it hurts. I've smashed my thumb with a hammer, had hands slammed in doors, broken bones, slashed flesh, been hurt in hundreds of ways. Cursing has never been what came out of my mouth.

 Bless your heart!

flan



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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Bwaaaahhhh!!!

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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I think cursing is far more genuine than pretending to bless someone with your mouth while cursing them in your heart.

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flan327


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FTR, I am neither UNeducated or UNcooth.

flan

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Lady Gaga Snerd


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Well you can't spell Couth. Just saying! Lol

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flan327


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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

Well you can't spell Couth. Just saying! Lol

 Oh, snap! You're right!!!!

flan



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Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I think cursing is far more genuine than pretending to bless someone with your mouth while cursing them in your heart.

 It's about self control and having class. 

 



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lilyofcourse wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I think cursing is far more genuine than pretending to bless someone with your mouth while cursing them in your heart.

 It's about self control and having class. 

 

 How's the air up there?

I know that one of our pastors cusses.

flan



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Southern_Belle


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Oh please!

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Vette


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lilyofcourse wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I think cursing is far more genuine than pretending to bless someone with your mouth while cursing them in your heart.

 It's about self control and having class. 

 

 Having class is to not curse someone at all, even sounding "nice" about it. 



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lilyofcourse wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:

I think cursing is far more genuine than pretending to bless someone with your mouth while cursing them in your heart.

 It's about self control and having class. 

 

There is nothing classy at all about "bless your heart" when there's a knife in it. And people can feel the vibe and the insincerity. Nobody's fooling anybody.



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Southern_Belle wrote:

Oh please!

 She can dish it out, she'd better be able to take it...

flan



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totallygeeked -> totallygeeked general -> Backhanded Compliments and Sugarcoated Hostility


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