TOTALLY GEEKED!

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Meeting the ex

chef · Guru

See what she does. Respond in kind.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

DH's ex hated me when we got together. I mean hated me with a passion. She even told SS at one point she hoped I'd be murdered. But DH always told me to take the high road. And I did. That doesn't mean I never said bad things about her behind her back to DH and only DH but never to her or in front of SS. I always took the high road. I can't tell you what to do but I will say that six years later she and I get along.

If you want my opinion just be cordial and pleasant. Ignore any barbs. I learned a long time ago the ex acted this way because she was angry, jealous, and insecure. That's on her and not me.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

You're not overthinking, imo.

I like chef's advice.

Good luck.

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

chef wrote:
See what she does. Respond in kind.

No. Take the high road. Say it's nice to finally meet her and offer to shake her hand. If she doesn't reciprocate she'll be the one that looks foolish. You don't have to engage her in small talk or act like her BFF. A simple, "I'm Vette, pleased to finally meet you." is enough.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Well, here's another thought. The teacher will be there. If she's nasty to you and you're nasty back is that what you really want the teacher to see? If she takes snipes at you during the whole conference and you simply respond in kindness what do you think the teacher is going to think?

chef · Guru

Nobody Just Nobody wrote:
chef wrote:
See what she does. Respond in kind.
No. Take the high road. Say it's nice to finally meet her and offer to shake her hand. If she doesn't reciprocate she'll be the one that looks foolish. You don't have to engage her in small talk or act like her BFF. A simple, "I'm Vette, pleased to finally meet you." is enough.

I meant, if the ex offers a hand to shake, shake it. Personally, I wouldn't offer a hand to shake as some people don't like shaking hands. I'd let the ex "lead" the interaction.

Taking the high road is best if the ex is a turd.

Blankie · Guru

I'd say you're overthinking just a bit.

I would be pleasant, dignified, polite, and hold your head high. No need to invite any trouble.

Think positive. Maybe she might surprise you and be decent.

And if she's not decent, be cordial and don't stoop to her level.

chef · Guru

I would not advise being nasty back. That's when I'd look at the ex, tilt my head, and give the ex a 'what is wrong with you' look.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Thanks for all the advice!

I was thinking I should take the high road also, but I'll admit that's not an easy thing for me to do :p character flaw I know

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I have learned from dealing with DH's ex and many many many parent teacher conferences to just keep my mouth shut! Honestly, the truth always comes out in the long run. We always start the year with the new teacher and try to explain to them that we have different parenting styles. They ALWAYS tell us they don't get involved in divorce situations. Six weeks into school they are BEGGING us to come deal with stuff since she doesn't. Sometimes it's just better to be quiet and let people figure it out themselves.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

VetteGirl wrote:
Thanks for all the advice!

I was thinking I should take the high road also, but I'll admit that's not an easy thing for me to do :p character flaw I know

Oh em gee!

I thought you were perfect!!!

flan

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

VetteGirl wrote:
Thanks for all the advice!

I was thinking I should take the high road also, but I'll admit that's not an easy thing for me to do :p character flaw I know

It is NEVER easy. Six years later there are still times I have to bite my tongue. But I do know my SS's teachers have told me he's lucky to have me in his life because it's obvious his mom doesn't give him the attention he needs. So I say just be nice and let it play out.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Be kind, extend your hand and then just let her react however she will. If she acts in kind, have a nice small talk situation with her, if she is angry just back up and sit down and smile and look at the teacher.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I know what to do_sometimes wrote:
Be kind, extend your hand and then just let her react however she will. If she acts in kind, have a nice small talk situation with her, if she is angry just back up and sit down and smile and look at the teacher.

Yep

Momala · Great cook-happy wife-superb fisherman

You're there because of his son. Respond to the teacher when appropriate - otherwise, let BF do all the talking. If EX butts in, that will be on her.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Momala wrote:
You're there because of his son. Respond to the teacher when appropriate - otherwise, let BF do all the talking. If EX butts in, that will be on her.

Again, I agree. Whatever the ex does is on her. If you don't respond it will just make her look bad. If you do respond it will make it look like his son has to deal with all this fighting all the time.

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

Be the better person. "hello mama, I'm vette" If she doesn't respond nicely then she's the bitch, not you.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

*sigh* I just hope she doesn't show

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

You will meet her eventually, just get it over with.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Like ripping off a bandaid

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

VetteGirl wrote:
Like ripping off a bandaid

I was gonna say that.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Ok do where a bandaid and rip it off after you meet her.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

LOL!

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

In a perfect scenerio your darling bf would do the introductions.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

I am confused. Isn't this the BF that is blatantly disrespectful of you?

Bonny22Pye · Guru

Why is he bringing you to parent teacher conference? Personally I don't think you should even be involved unless your married and even then it's iffy.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Why shouldn't I go? I help raise their son every other week and when he's with us I help him with his homework 90 percent of the time. Just because I'm not his bio mom doesn't mean I'm not a part of his life.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

Because you are not the parent and you are not married. If your that involved in his life you should have met her long ago. How would a parent let someone parent their child they've never met. It sounds like a horrible situation.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

We've never met her boyfriend and have never asked to because their life is not our business.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

VetteGirl wrote:
We've never met her boyfriend and have never asked to because their life is not our business.

Well her life isn't your business. I can't even believe a parent would let another person be involved in their childs life without meeting them.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

In fact neither of my parents met the other one's SO until well after the wedding. My dad never even met my stepdad actually.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

VetteGirl wrote:
In fact neither of my parents met the other one's SO until well after the wedding. My dad never even met my stepdad actually.

That doesn't make it ok.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

I guess it's just different strokes for different folks. We don't feel it's appropriate to be involved in exes lives.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

But then how do you know the new partner is fit to be around your child?

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I'm with Bonny on this one.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

If you distrust your ex so much that you don't think they can make that decision responsibly, why would you want them to have any custody at all?

Bonny22Pye · Guru

lilyofcourse wrote:
I'm with Bonny on this one.

Thank you.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Still haven't answered my question.

Not only that, can you imagine having to let your ex do a "screening" process on all your future SO's? Probably most people would be lonely because their ex would say "oh I don't like her/him" just to be difficult. Because, as we all know, exes can make life difficult and have lingering feelings of bitterness and jealousy.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

It sounds from all your posts you have a rocky relationship, your not married. I don't think you should be at parent teacher conference. It's called parent conference for a reason. Your not his mom.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Well I appreciate your opinion. It had nothing to do with my OP though, so that's what I'm concerned about at the moment.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

VetteGirl wrote:
If you distrust your ex so much that you don't think they can make that decision responsibly, why would you want them to have any custody at all?

Theres custody and then overnights with a gf. I would demand no overnights unless getting remarried. I don't think it's good for kids to meet gfs or bfs unless it's going toward marriage.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

I think there's a difference between being involved in your exes life and knowing who is sleeping with them and residing in the home with your child. And I don't think it's too much to ask to know who that person is. My ex and I didn't have contact for a long time. He remarried and had two children. Then he wanted to see the kids again. He lived three states away. A nine hour drive. I told him no. We went back to court. The courts sided with me. He could not take the kids over the state line with people my kids had never been around. They ordered him to come here every other weekend for three months before he could take the kids. He lasted less than two weekends. Hasn't seen the kids since. I don't really care who he dates, lives with, or marries. I do care who is around my kids.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Well in my case there are no such restrictions, so I guess my bf and his ex don't have an issue with it. Her bf is a live in.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I'm not going to dog you about this. I do wonder why you haven't met before now. A parent teacher conference is not the proper place for this.

What should you do?

You should be polite when spoken to and silent the rest of the time.

I agree, this is not the place for you. Not until there is a ring on that finger.

Not because you don't care about the child, but because you care about the child and the relationship he has with his parents and you.

And I wouldn't want over nights with dad if he is sharing a bed with someone he is not married to.

Sorry but kids learn by example.

You are going to do whatever anyway, so be polite and be silent.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Well, here's the thing. You have never met this woman. How would you greet anyone you are meeting for the first time? Set the baggage of "ex-wife" aside. There are two sides to every story, and you have only ever heard his. So, be pleasant, say nice to meet you, and go from there. If she's a bitch, you'll figure it out pretty quick, that doesn't mean you have to be one, too. And if she is there - try to just hang back during the conference, and let her be the mom.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

I don't even know if she is actually going to show up, so it might all be a moot point anyway. I just get the feeling from the last few texts she has sent him that she might.

Bube · Newbie

Nobody... I mean Somebody , has the right idea on this thing... listen to her! 8-)

and LL too!

-- Edited by Bube on Sunday 29th of March 2015 05:58:13 AM

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

VetteGirl wrote:
Why shouldn't I go? I help raise their son every other week and when he's with us I help him with his homework 90 percent of the time. Just because I'm not his bio mom doesn't mean I'm not a part of his life.

Actually I agree with Bonny, he isn't your child. Maybe if you were married. Are you sure BF isn't asking you to go just to annoy the ex?

FNW · Guru

Are you going to be supportive, or to hold the sheets down, so to speak? Are you worried he might realize he's still in love with his ex if he sees her without you on his arm? Not accusing or judging, just something to think about.

Personally, unless I were married and this was my step-son, I would not get involved in "official parental" things. If BF really wants you to act as step-mom, then he should make you the step mom and put a ring on it. I would not help the child with homework, or parent in any way. That's his job. And his mother's. It would only become yours if you were legally married to the child's father. And until then....no. You cannot ingratiate yourself into this man's life by going through his child. Again, not saying you are doing this, but it's something to think about.

If you decide to go, let BF introduce you. If he doesn't, that would be very telling. If he does, greet her as you would any one of his friends. Then stay out of the parenting decisions and let them work together.