TOTALLY GEEKED!

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

RE: Meeting the ex

Mary Zombie · Guru

I agree with FNW but to answer the specific question....to me it's a no brainer. You behave as you would when meeting anyone for the first time.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

IMHO, unless the relationship is officially committed (engaged or married) you need to step out. It isn't fair to the kid otherwise.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

He (the son) had no issue with me going, I've already met his teacher. I've been a mystery reader for his class before. So I'm not sure why some of you are taking it so personally. And who said anything about making parenting decisions? This is the way he and his ex conduct their lives in regards to their son and SO's, she doesn't have a problem with me going so why should any of you?

My question was simply how should I act if she shows up, and I've gotten some good advice, so thank you.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

You'll be fine, Vette!

flan

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Thanks flan :)

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

VetteGirl wrote:
Thanks flan :)

Check's in the mail, right?????

biggrin

flan

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Lol... Tell you what you can have my tax refund!

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

Lol!

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

A WHOLE DOLLAR?!!

flan

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

Buy a lottery ticket and then when ya win don't share it.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

VetteGirl wrote:
He (the son) had no issue with me going, I've already met his teacher. I've been a mystery reader for his class before. So I'm not sure why some of you are taking it so personally. And who said anything about making parenting decisions? This is the way he and his ex conduct their lives in regards to their son and SO's, she doesn't have a problem with me going so why should any of you?

My question was simply how should I act if she shows up, and I've gotten some good advice, so thank you.

Well, to me, this whole situation is Uncomfortable. You have said literally nothing positive that I can recall about this bf, but there have been a fair number of negative things.

Then there is the history you have of not making Very Good Life Choices.

Sometimes you even make Extremely Bad Life Choices, ones with Really Bad Consequences that make you, our own Vetters, Very Unhappy Indeed.

And I just don't like that. I don't. And becoming more involved in the life of a child not your own, when the stability of your relationship with the parent is in question could be another Extremely Bad Life Choice.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Wow Dona, tell me how you really feel? Actually please don't because I don't give a rip. I don't have to justify the course of my life to you or anyone else.

Divine Geek · Guru

I think we all need to remove the "parent teacher conference" from this equation. What if this was a birthday party, a soccer game, Boy Scout function? The answer to Vette's actual question remains the same. I'd treat her how I would meeting, for example, my boss's wife. Someone you have to play nice with, but neither of you have any illusions of being friends. Smile, shake her hand, talk about the weather, etc. be friendly but guarded

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Thanks DG

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

I guess she's banned from those too since she isn't his "real mother" and not engaged or anything.

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

That was sarcasm BTW.

Divine Geek · Guru

And as for the question that wasn't asked: I think the more loving, involved adults in a child's life the better. We don't need to get wrapped up in labels. When I was a tutor, the parents of one of my girls wanted me to go to conferences with the teacher with them.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Ita dg, and you know, when you (general you) divorce, this is the reality you have to live with, the knowledge that someone else besides you is going to help parent your kid. Don't like it? Don't divorce.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Vette, I miss your spider avatar!

flan

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Really? I thought no one liked that one. I kind of want to put up a pic of me with bf's son just to be a wiseacre!

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

VetteGirl wrote:
Really? I thought no one liked that one. I kind of want to put up a pic of me with bf's son just to be a wiseacre!

Do it!!

flan

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

Spider was cute.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

It keeps posting sideways for some reason

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

You may need to rotate it on your computer

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

I think a few people are surprised because just living with someone is against most divorce agreements these days. No live in love interests - period - when there are kids involved. So I think it has taken the. By surprise that not only is it not in your BF's divorce agreement, but neither is it in the parenting plan about these types of situations. Most these days spell out exactly who is to be present at meetings with teachers etc. I don't think they meant any ill will towards you. At least I hope not.

And I think you are wise to get your frame of mind right before you meet her. Then you will be calm, cordial, and guardedly polite and not stressed out.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Vette, I love the photo...but his head looks huge compared to yours.

flan

Vette · Owl drink to that!

IKR? He has kind of a big head anyway but he's also leaning towards the camera :p

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

VetteGirl wrote:
IKR? He has kind of a big head anyway but he's also leaning towards the camera :p

Yeah, I figured it was the angle too.

Cute kid, though.

flan

Vette · Owl drink to that!

And MM, I had asked him about that stuff from the get go and he had never even heard of those types of agreements, so they obviously never came up on either side.

We've never had a combined birthday party, she always has theirs and we have ours. I don't think it's done on purpose like that it just happens that way. They have an every other week deal so the custody is split 50/50, one week with his mom one week with his dad. So it's easy to separate our lives from each other.

jlbear71 · Guru

Vette,

I was in a similar situation to yours. DH was 32 and divorced when we first got involved, DSS was 5, I was 20. We waited 9 years to get married for many reasons, including financial and the ExW.

We were together for almost 2 years before I met the ExW. Except she was not nice, very narcissistic, angry and vindictive. According to her, I was not allowed to attend any school/church function until if/when we were married.

The biggest reason I complied was the way ExW would have treated DSS. She was, and still is, a piece of work. It's been 23 years that DH and I have been together and she is still trying to find ways to make DH and myself out to be the bad people.

While your SO's ex sounds pushy and bossy, she does not sound like the crazy nut-job I dealt with. If she shows up, be nice. If you are serious about staying in SO & Kiddo's life, why not just meet her for coffee and talk. Make sure she know you are not trying to replace her. No matter what, she is that little boy's mother and will always be around. You may even find an ally in helping to raise him. I tried that but it did not work for me.

FNW · Guru

I would just take a deep breath, smile, and be courteous. And step back.

I remember when I met Mr. FNW's ex. She ran up and introduced herself and I pretended to not know she was Mr. FNW's ex. I smiled, but acted a little put off by this person rushing me, said nice to meet you, then looked at Mr. FNW with a puzzled look and he said this is my ex-wife and I said "Oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay!" She gave me her business card (she owned a wine store in Manhattan Beach) and said I didn't need to keep it because it was her last one, but I graciously accepted it anyway and told her I had some friends in that area and I would be happy to send them to her store. She turned and walked away and left us alone the rest of the evening.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

We could do a whole other thread on ex's...

flan

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

flan327 wrote:
Vette, I love the photo...but his head looks huge compared to yours.

flan

I know! I'm sure he was just closer to the camera since Vette must have a bigger head!

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Geez jlbear that sucks to have to go through that, I don't know if I would be patient enough to deal with that for so long! But I'm glad it's worked out in the long run.

FNW I hope it goes well like that in my case. She doesn't come off as a bad or mean person. Just a little bossy and nosy.

FNW · Guru

Same in my case. Just nosey and bossy. And pretending to not know who she was meant she was no threat to me and she wasn't even on my radar.

jlbear71 · Guru

Oh, it definitely sucked. But you know what? As an adult now, DSS realizes more of what I went thru and is amazed that I stuck around. He and I have a good relationship. He will never know what I went thru fully and I will never tell him.

Ohfour · Hooker

Vettums...you know I love you dearly...

BUT. You have no reason to go to the parent/teacher conference. You are neither a parent nor a teacher. You are dad's GF. Period. And the fact the your BF moved you in without the mother even meeting you says volumes. I'm glad I live where I do where that RARELY happens. It's a standard part of the divorce decree here that there are no romantic overnight guests while the child is spending the night.

And if I was his mother, I would demand that you leave. I would be livid if my ex brought some girl to my kids conferences. This isn't about you. You need to stay away...

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Thanks for your opinion ohfour, I still love you :)

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Oh, and as I mentioned already, she knows I'm going and doesn't have a problem with it.

Bonny22Pye · Guru

If she doesn't care that you are going then why are you worried about meeting her? Just let your BF introduce you and say hello.

Oughttabeworking · Regular

Bonny22Pye wrote:
Why is he bringing you to parent teacher conference? Personally I don't think you should even be involved unless your married and even then it's iffy.

I freely admit that I'm not 100% positive what your relationship status is, Vette, but I have to say that I wholly disagree with the above. If you are in the home, and you spend time with the boy, and you help him with his homework, then you ARE involved whether you attend a conference or not. I also think that someone living in the home SHOULD be "involved". There are some decisions and actions that remain with the bio parents, but you (general you) can't just live in a house with a child and treat him/her like they don't exist.

As for the "how do you know this person is fit to be around your kids if you haven't met him/her" thing--the unfortunate reality is that it really isn't up to you (again, general) who the child is around during the other parent's parenting time. You don't have a say, as long as the child is not in danger. I had to learn that lesson the hard way. I had a terrible time with that concept when I was newly divorced.

Ohfour · Hooker

And why haven't you met her? Why does your BF not want you two to meet? Red Flags going up everywhere here...

Ohfour · Hooker

Oughttabeworking wrote:
Bonny22Pye wrote:
Why is he bringing you to parent teacher conference? Personally I don't think you should even be involved unless your married and even then it's iffy.

I freely admit that I'm not 100% positive what your relationship status is, Vette, but I have to say that I wholly disagree with the above. If you are in the home, and you spend time with the boy, and you help him with his homework, then you ARE involved whether you attend a conference or not. I also think that someone living in the home SHOULD be "involved". There are some decisions and actions that remain with the bio parents, but you (general you) can't just live in a house with a child and treat him/her like they don't exist.

As for the "how do you know this person is fit to be around your kids if you haven't met him/her" thing--the unfortunate reality is that it really isn't up to you (again, general) who the child is around during the other parent's parenting time. You don't have a say, as long as the child is not in danger. I had to learn that lesson the hard way. I had a terrible time with that concept when I was newly divorced.

Sure it does. Most divorce decrees do not allow for overnight guests. If my Ex had moved in someone before marriage, then he wouldn't be seeing my kids...

FNW · Guru

I agree with ohfour on the premarital "slumber" party issue. Not good for kids to see this.

Oughttabeworking · Regular

Sure it does. Most divorce decrees do not allow for overnight guests. If my Ex had moved in someone before marriage, then he wouldn't be seeing my kids...

But, if the BF's decree doesn't prohibit overnight guests, then it is a moot point. It clearly IS permissible. As for the bolded, one parent does not unilaterally get to decide that the other parent may not see the child. That is for the court to decide, which is done via the custody and parenting agreement. Not only that, but it's bad for the kids. (Unless the other parent and/or the guest poses a threat to the kids). Because even if you think he/she is a deadbeat, it is still daddy/mommy to the kids.

Ohfour · Hooker

Oughttabeworking wrote:

Sure it does. Most divorce decrees do not allow for overnight guests. If my Ex had moved in someone before marriage, then he wouldn't be seeing my kids...

But, if the BF's decree doesn't prohibit overnight guests, then it is a moot point. It clearly IS permissible. As for the bolded, one parent does not unilaterally get to decide that the other parent may not see the child. That is for the court to decide, which is done via the custody and parenting agreement. Not only that, but it's bad for the kids. (Unless the other parent and/or the guest poses a threat to the kids). Because even if you think he/she is a deadbeat, it is still daddy/mommy to the kids.

And the courts here are VERY swift about enforcing custody matters. If I had any problems, I could call the police and they would visit the house. If they found out he was violating the order, I could have gotten a TSR until the GF moved out. It didn't take long for people here to realize that wasn't going to go over well. It's really not a problem here.

And I feel that cohabitation outside of marriage IS a threat to my child. So do many...

Oughttabeworking · Regular

Ohfour wrote:

But, if the BF's decree doesn't prohibit overnight guests, then it is a moot point. It clearly IS permissible. As for the bolded, one parent does not unilaterally get to decide that the other parent may not see the child. That is for the court to decide, which is done via the custody and parenting agreement. Not only that, but it's bad for the kids. (Unless the other parent and/or the guest poses a threat to the kids). Because even if you think he/she is a deadbeat, it is still daddy/mommy to the kids.
And the courts here are VERY swift about enforcing custody matters. If I had any problems, I could call the police and they would visit the house. If they found out he was violating the order, I could have gotten a TSR until the GF moved out. It didn't take long for people here to realize that wasn't going to go over well. It's really not a problem here.
And I feel that cohabitation outside of marriage IS a threat to my child. So do many...

We seem to be approaching the subject from opposite ends. It appears that your approach assumes that there is an order in place prohibiting overnight guests when the children are in residence. If that were the case, I would agree with you--perhaps not on the principle of the matter, but on the face. That doesn't appear to be the case in this situation, though. Also, as much as your kids are YOUR kids, they are also HIS kids. And he has certain rights in the matter. That is another one of those things that took me a while to come to terms with.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Well in my case it doesn't matter to either my boyfriend or her, as I live with him and she has a live in boyfriend.

Oughttabeworking · Regular

VetteGirl wrote:
Well in my case it doesn't matter to either my boyfriend or her, as I live with him and she has a live in boyfriend.

We seem to have veered a bit off topic. My apologies, Vette. As for the question initially asked, just be polite and follow her lead (to a point). If she wants to talk to you, I would probably make small talk, though nothing of any substance. If she wants to ignore you, just stick it out and be polite. Good luck!