TOTALLY GEEKED!

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Father issues

Lindley · Guru

I would go to the game and see how it goes from there.

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

I've never been in this position, Vette.

But, I agree with Lindley.

Go to the game, and see how it goes.

And, take it one step at a time.

If it goes well, maybe mention bringing your boyfriend and his son to a game, sometime.

And, see how that goes over, with your Dad.

I wish you good luck. I hope it goes well.

karl271 · Guru

Yep. Go to the game, see how it goes. Play it slow and easy. If he is opening up to you, I think it shows he misses you and will eventually accept your bf, too. (At least I hope so.) Life is just too darn short to have arguments like this, but I doubt that is a good thing to say to him.

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

I'm with the others. Go alone the first time.

I know what to do_sometimes · Frozen Sucks!

Southern_Belle wrote:
I'm with the others. Go alone the first time.

Yes, alone the first time, but after that, he needs to know that you are a package and he has to accept all of you. I wouldn't shove it in his face, ease into it.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I agree. Go alone. I think you really just need to accept that you are going to have a limited relationship with your dad. I am sorry, but any man who can see his daughter every day and carry that kind of grudge and animosity is always going to find some bone to pick with you for the rest of your life. If it isn't your BF, then it will be something else, like the way you raise your kid or some opinion you have or whatever. I really don't understand how you can expose yourself to that kind of toxicity day in and day out. That really has to wear at you. I just could not go and work with him day after day. Do you really think that is a healthy situation? I know that isn't the question but I do find that very concerning for you and your emotional well being.

So, if you want to go to the game, then go. But, if he has been able to erect this kind of wall with you on a daily basis, I think you need to be careful about expecting that this wall is going to come down in terms of your BF. Don't set yourself up for more heartache. But, you never know either, so you can begin with some small steps.

aergia · Regular

as above

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Thanks guys I will take your advice. :)

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Good luck, Vette! He's missing out on a pretty awesome daughter.

flan

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I agree. Go alone. I think you really just need to accept that you are going to have a limited relationship with your dad. I am sorry, but any man who can see his daughter every day and carry that kind of grudge and animosity is always going to find some bone to pick with you for the rest of your life. If it isn't your BF, then it will be something else, like the way you raise your kid or some opinion you have or whatever. I really don't understand how you can expose yourself to that kind of toxicity day in and day out. That really has to wear at you. I just could not go and work with him day after day. Do you really think that is a healthy situation? I know that isn't the question but I do find that very concerning for you and your emotional well being.

So, if you want to go to the game, then go. But, if he has been able to erect this kind of wall with you on a daily basis, I think you need to be careful about expecting that this wall is going to come down in terms of your BF. Don't set yourself up for more heartache. But, you never know either, so you can begin with some small steps.

As for this, I completely understand how it must sound weird. There's two reasons I continue to work there, one is I'm not willing to jeopardize my career just because of one person. And two, I miss my dad and love him and I like to see him at work since that's the only way I can. If that's the only way I can have some semblance of a relationship than I'm willing to take it.

Fort Worth Mom · Mod/Penguin lover/Princess!

I hope it goes well, Vette!

Holding a good thought for you. smile

Southern_Belle · Nothing's Impossible

Baby steps vette. First you. Then b/f. Then kid.

FNW · Guru

I don't think any "child" ever stops wanting acceptance and approval, and possibly pride, from their parents. At least at some level. Personally, unless my parent(s) were complete asses to me or my children, I would not forfeit a relationship with them over someone who did not care enough about me to make me his wife. But I am the type of person who needs grounding and security to be happy, and for me, that means marriage, not just cohabitation.

That being said, my in-laws have been rude and nasty to me, my husband, and our children. I have no plans to allow them to do that to me or my children again. But Mr. FNW is free to see them at will, without any judgment or anxiety from me.

Personally, if I wanted a relationship with a parent who did not approve of my SO, I would go to the game, or any other event, sans boyfriend. I would not try to push an unwanted relationship, and I would not subject my SO to a situation in which he would be extremely uncomfortable.

It's a fine line, having a relationship with a parent who disapproves of my life, yet still putting your SO first.

Dona Worry Be Happy · Vette's SS!!

I would just leave bf out of it for a while. Dad doesn't like him, why subject either of them to the company of someone they don't like?
Just have some dad and daughter time, and don't make it a big thing. Dad will either come around, or he won't. A baseball game is not the hill to die on.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

VetteGirl wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I agree. Go alone. I think you really just need to accept that you are going to have a limited relationship with your dad. I am sorry, but any man who can see his daughter every day and carry that kind of grudge and animosity is always going to find some bone to pick with you for the rest of your life. If it isn't your BF, then it will be something else, like the way you raise your kid or some opinion you have or whatever. I really don't understand how you can expose yourself to that kind of toxicity day in and day out. That really has to wear at you. I just could not go and work with him day after day. Do you really think that is a healthy situation? I know that isn't the question but I do find that very concerning for you and your emotional well being.

So, if you want to go to the game, then go. But, if he has been able to erect this kind of wall with you on a daily basis, I think you need to be careful about expecting that this wall is going to come down in terms of your BF. Don't set yourself up for more heartache. But, you never know either, so you can begin with some small steps.
As for this, I completely understand how it must sound weird. There's two reasons I continue to work there, one is I'm not willing to jeopardize my career just because of one person. And two, I miss my dad and love him and I like to see him at work since that's the only way I can. If that's the only way I can have some semblance of a relationship than I'm willing to take it.

I understand that but maybe you are jeopardizing your career by staying? Maybe leaving would give you the wings to fly. Are you staying because you still secretly are longing for approval from him you may never get? I mean, only you can decide what is best for you. But, DH grew up with an alcoholic father and DH's sister seemed to spend her life trying to win approval from her father that she never did get. I don't know if that is the case and I can only relate to what I know. But, I would find it extremely stressful to go to work everyday with that type of angst in my face daily. But, you know what is best for you.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

FNW wrote:
I don't think any "child" ever stops wanting acceptance and approval, and possibly pride, from their parents. At least at some level. Personally, unless my parent(s) were complete asses to me or my children, I would not forfeit a relationship with them over someone who did not care enough about me to make me his wife. But I am the type of person who needs grounding and security to be happy, and for me, that means marriage, not just cohabitation.

That being said, my in-laws have been rude and nasty to me, my husband, and our children. I have no plans to allow them to do that to me or my children again. But Mr. FNW is free to see them at will, without any judgment or anxiety from me.

Personally, if I wanted a relationship with a parent who did not approve of my SO, I would go to the game, or any other event, sans boyfriend. I would not try to push an unwanted relationship, and I would not subject my SO to a situation in which he would be extremely uncomfortable.

It's a fine line, having a relationship with a parent who disapproves of my life, yet still putting your SO first.

These are excellent points. He doesn't like your BF. And, I doubt your BF wants to spend time with someone who so clearly disdains him. So, if you want to spend time with alone, then do so. And, I would simply leave it at that.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

FNW wrote:
I don't think any "child" ever stops wanting acceptance and approval, and possibly pride, from their parents. At least at some level. Personally, unless my parent(s) were complete asses to me or my children, I would not forfeit a relationship with them over someone who did not care enough about me to make me his wife. But I am the type of person who needs grounding and security to be happy, and for me, that means marriage, not just cohabitation.

That being said, my in-laws have been rude and nasty to me, my husband, and our children. I have no plans to allow them to do that to me or my children again. But Mr. FNW is free to see them at will, without any judgment or anxiety from me.

Personally, if I wanted a relationship with a parent who did not approve of my SO, I would go to the game, or any other event, sans boyfriend. I would not try to push an unwanted relationship, and I would not subject my SO to a situation in which he would be extremely uncomfortable.

It's a fine line, having a relationship with a parent who disapproves of my life, yet still putting your SO first.

I just have to ask, we're you referring to me about the not making me his wife comment? I don't recall ever saying that. If not I'm sorry I just read it wrong.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Vette, just live your life and be who you are. And, your father will either come around or he won't. But don't change who you are to try to please him (not that you are, but you know what I mean). If you have people in your life that you walk on eggshells around, you will always be on eggshells with them. It's just who they are.

FNW · Guru

VetteGirl wrote:
FNW wrote:
I don't think any "child" ever stops wanting acceptance and approval, and possibly pride, from their parents. At least at some level. Personally, unless my parent(s) were complete asses to me or my children, I would not forfeit a relationship with them over someone who did not care enough about me to make me his wife. But I am the type of person who needs grounding and security to be happy, and for me, that means marriage, not just cohabitation.

That being said, my in-laws have been rude and nasty to me, my husband, and our children. I have no plans to allow them to do that to me or my children again. But Mr. FNW is free to see them at will, without any judgment or anxiety from me.

Personally, if I wanted a relationship with a parent who did not approve of my SO, I would go to the game, or any other event, sans boyfriend. I would not try to push an unwanted relationship, and I would not subject my SO to a situation in which he would be extremely uncomfortable.

It's a fine line, having a relationship with a parent who disapproves of my life, yet still putting your SO first.
I just have to ask, we're you referring to me about the not making me his wife comment? I don't recall ever saying that. If not I'm sorry I just read it wrong.

Not at all. I just feel a parent, an otherwise good parent, trumps a boyfriend.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

I would go to the game & enjoy one on one time with your Dad. You can have a relationship with him & a relationship with your BF without them having a relationship with each other. Maybe with time the lines will blur but for now just reestablish the relationship with your Dad.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

FNW wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:
FNW wrote:
I don't think any "child" ever stops wanting acceptance and approval, and possibly pride, from their parents. At least at some level. Personally, unless my parent(s) were complete asses to me or my children, I would not forfeit a relationship with them over someone who did not care enough about me to make me his wife. But I am the type of person who needs grounding and security to be happy, and for me, that means marriage, not just cohabitation.

That being said, my in-laws have been rude and nasty to me, my husband, and our children. I have no plans to allow them to do that to me or my children again. But Mr. FNW is free to see them at will, without any judgment or anxiety from me.

Personally, if I wanted a relationship with a parent who did not approve of my SO, I would go to the game, or any other event, sans boyfriend. I would not try to push an unwanted relationship, and I would not subject my SO to a situation in which he would be extremely uncomfortable.

It's a fine line, having a relationship with a parent who disapproves of my life, yet still putting your SO first.
I just have to ask, we're you referring to me about the not making me his wife comment? I don't recall ever saying that. If not I'm sorry I just read it wrong.

Not at all. I just feel a parent, an otherwise good parent, trumps a boyfriend.

I don't think one has to "trump" the other. You can date whomever you want whether they approve or not. She is an adult. She doesnt' need their permission. It isn't an "either/or". He is the one choosing to make it that.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
FNW wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:
FNW wrote:
I don't think any "child" ever stops wanting acceptance and approval, and possibly pride, from their parents. At least at some level. Personally, unless my parent(s) were complete asses to me or my children, I would not forfeit a relationship with them over someone who did not care enough about me to make me his wife. But I am the type of person who needs grounding and security to be happy, and for me, that means marriage, not just cohabitation.

That being said, my in-laws have been rude and nasty to me, my husband, and our children. I have no plans to allow them to do that to me or my children again. But Mr. FNW is free to see them at will, without any judgment or anxiety from me.

Personally, if I wanted a relationship with a parent who did not approve of my SO, I would go to the game, or any other event, sans boyfriend. I would not try to push an unwanted relationship, and I would not subject my SO to a situation in which he would be extremely uncomfortable.

It's a fine line, having a relationship with a parent who disapproves of my life, yet still putting your SO first.
I just have to ask, we're you referring to me about the not making me his wife comment? I don't recall ever saying that. If not I'm sorry I just read it wrong.

Not at all. I just feel a parent, an otherwise good parent, trumps a boyfriend.
I don't think one has to "trump" the other. You can date whomever you want whether they approve or not. She is an adult. She doesnt' need their permission. It isn't an "either/or". He is the one choosing to make it that.

But her father is family. And the boyfriend is not. Sorry, that's just the way it is. Your family should accept your spouse whether they like them or not, but a boyfriend.....well, that shouldn't really be a deal breaker with your parents. They are entitled not to like your boyfriends.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Yeah so what? They can behave however they want. But she determines her own life.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

If Dad is acting like a toddler, rather than an adult...well, there ARE consequences to his behavior.

flan

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Whether he's "just a boyfriend" or not, I'm certainly not going to let my parents dictate who I spend my life with. I will likely marry my bf and spend my life with him, I will not be marrying my dad and going home to him every night.

lilyofcourse · My spirit animal is a pink flamingo.

I don't know why dad doesn't like the BF, has to be a reason. But dad is extending a very thin, very fragile olive branch.

I would not say anything about BF or his son.

If asked if you are still seeing him, a simple yes and then move away from the subject.

Don't play into pissing matches.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

VetteGirl wrote:
Whether he's "just a boyfriend" or not, I'm certainly not going to let my parents dictate who I spend my life with. I will likely marry my bf and spend my life with him, I will not be marrying my dad and going home to him every night.

See, Vette, if a woman makes my son happy, that's ALL that's important.

flan

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Thanks flan, and thanks everyone for the advice.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

VetteGirl wrote:
Whether he's "just a boyfriend" or not, I'm certainly not going to let my parents dictate who I spend my life with. I will likely marry my bf and spend my life with him, I will not be marrying my dad and going home to him every night.

Well, of course not. But you don't have to refuse to reconcile with them because they don't like him, either. Why can't you have both in your life?

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Lawyerlady wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:
Whether he's "just a boyfriend" or not, I'm certainly not going to let my parents dictate who I spend my life with. I will likely marry my bf and spend my life with him, I will not be marrying my dad and going home to him every night.
Well, of course not. But you don't have to refuse to reconcile with them because they don't like him, either. Why can't you have both in your life?

That's what I'm trying to do!

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

VetteGirl wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:
Whether he's "just a boyfriend" or not, I'm certainly not going to let my parents dictate who I spend my life with. I will likely marry my bf and spend my life with him, I will not be marrying my dad and going home to him every night.
Well, of course not. But you don't have to refuse to reconcile with them because they don't like him, either. Why can't you have both in your life?
That's what I'm trying to do!

You can. But, you have the right to set your own terms as well. If you can meet happily by yourself and your dad is fine with that and your BF is fine with that, then I don't see any problem. If dad gives you an ultimatum, then he can go pound salt with his ultimatum.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

VetteGirl wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:
Whether he's "just a boyfriend" or not, I'm certainly not going to let my parents dictate who I spend my life with. I will likely marry my bf and spend my life with him, I will not be marrying my dad and going home to him every night.
Well, of course not. But you don't have to refuse to reconcile with them because they don't like him, either. Why can't you have both in your life?
That's what I'm trying to do!

Then just go for your personal relationships now and worry about the rest later. Like SB said, baby steps.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:
Whether he's "just a boyfriend" or not, I'm certainly not going to let my parents dictate who I spend my life with. I will likely marry my bf and spend my life with him, I will not be marrying my dad and going home to him every night.
Well, of course not. But you don't have to refuse to reconcile with them because they don't like him, either. Why can't you have both in your life?
That's what I'm trying to do!
You can. But, you have the right to set your own terms as well. If you can meet happily by yourself and your dad is fine with that and your BF is fine with that, then I don't see any problem. If dad gives you an ultimatum, then he can go pound salt with his ultimatum.

Dad has already done the ultimatum thing and found it didn't work.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Lawyerlady wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:
Lawyerlady wrote:
VetteGirl wrote:
Whether he's "just a boyfriend" or not, I'm certainly not going to let my parents dictate who I spend my life with. I will likely marry my bf and spend my life with him, I will not be marrying my dad and going home to him every night.
Well, of course not. But you don't have to refuse to reconcile with them because they don't like him, either. Why can't you have both in your life?
That's what I'm trying to do!
You can. But, you have the right to set your own terms as well. If you can meet happily by yourself and your dad is fine with that and your BF is fine with that, then I don't see any problem. If dad gives you an ultimatum, then he can go pound salt with his ultimatum.
Dad has already done the ultimatum thing and found it didn't work.

Well, it worked for him in a way I guess. He doesn't have to see the BF and he damaged his relationship with his daughter, which apparently he finds an acceptable price to pay to be "right".

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I mean, I don't expect that I will necessarily like all of my kids' choices. But, their choices are their choices when they are adults. I can say "Hey, I don't like your choices". And, if they took up with a partner that seemed harmful to them, yes, I would speak up. But, after I have said my piece, it is really their decision on how they want to live and whom they want to live with, etc. I cant' imagine freezing out my own child in this way. I think that is really a sad thing.

Lawyerlady · On the bright side...... Christmas is coming! (Mod)

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I mean, I don't expect that I will necessarily like all of my kids' choices. But, their choices are their choices when they are adults. I can say "Hey, I don't like your choices". And, if they took up with a partner that seemed harmful to them, yes, I would speak up. But, after I have said my piece, it is really their decision on how they want to live and whom they want to live with, etc. I cant' imagine freezing out my own child in this way. I think that is really a sad thing.

I agree with you.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Thank you.

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

My DH hates my mom. But she treated him like crap. Her treatment of him was just a long list of things that led me to write her out of my life.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

I am really sorry to hear that so many on this board had issues with their parents. I guess I was very fortunate. My mom and dad were wonderful caring people. I can't even wrap my head around going through some of the childhoods that some of you endured.

Lexxy · My dog name is Sasha, too!

Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I am really sorry to hear that so many on this board had issues with their parents. I guess I was very fortunate. My mom and dad were wonderful caring people. I can't even wrap my head around going through some of the childhoods that some of you endured.

I'm with you Gaga. I had/have a great relationship with both my parents. I feel really sad for the ones that didn't.

flan327 · Itty bitty's Grammy

Lexxy wrote:
Lady Gaga Snerd wrote:
I am really sorry to hear that so many on this board had issues with their parents. I guess I was very fortunate. My mom and dad were wonderful caring people. I can't even wrap my head around going through some of the childhoods that some of you endured.
I'm with you Gaga. I had/have a great relationship with both my parents. I feel really sad for the ones that didn't.

Mine wasn't anywhere near as bad as some Geeks. Mom just couldn't show affection, likely something she learned from HER mother. I guess I didn't miss what I never had, until I fell in love & had children of my own.

flan

Mellow Momma · Sniff...sniff, sniff. Yay! A Bum!

The armchair psychologist in me thinks it's very telling that you named this thread "father issues" instead of "baseball game question" or something like that.

You are a grown woman. Quit seeking his approval. If he doesn't like who you date and chooses to cut you out of his life because of that - well that's a pretty crappy thing to do to your own flesh and blood. I honestly don't know what my kids would have to do for me to cut them out of my life. I can't think of a single thing.

Go to the game to see your brother play. Speak politely by sparingly to your dad. You have done nothing wrong and he needs to quit treating you like an untouchable because he doesn't like your BF.

Sorry if this sounds mean. But life is short. We need to make sure we are filling our lives with the people who add meaning and value to it. Not people who want to control us and control our choices by using other family as a punishment or reward.

Lady Gaga Snerd · Guru

Well said MM.

Vette · Owl drink to that!

I totally agree MM, and I don't think I'm "seeking his approval" so much as not trying to burn bridges.

FNW · Guru

Well, he seems to be extending an olive branch and you want to take it and see where it leads. I get that. Just take it slow, and try not to get disappointed.

Momala · Great cook-happy wife-superb fisherman

Vette ~
I think that adults (parents) have a very difficult time admitting that they said/did something that isn't sitting quite right with them. He missed out on his daughter's wedding Maybe he's starting to feel tht his ram-rod stiff posture is making him miss out on a lot that he could be enjoying.

Enjoy your brother's game (hope he wins!!!

), and if your father brings up the subject of BF, say something along the lines of: "I know talking about BF irritates you, so let's not visit that topic today. Let's just enjoy brother's game. OK?" Let the day be all about brother, and his game.

If he invites you to another of the games, this may be his way of extending an olive branch. Baby steps, hon, baby steps.
Hugs
Momala

Vette · Owl drink to that!

Thank you Momala, that was really nice

burns07 · Guru

as my parents did for me, always gave them a lot of latitude--for a while, was actually foolish enough to think they would change--when I grew a bit more, understood that they were who they were regardless of what I wanted--was easier then--as I respected their boundaries / limitations they grew to respect mine--on balance, even with some of the drama / pyrotechnics that went on, was very lucky to have them and consider being born into our family one of the few true miracles I've known

-- Edited by burns07 on Friday 17th of April 2015 01:25:01 PM

Nobody Just Nobody · Rib-it! Rrrib-it!

Vette, I'm going to offer a different opinion here. You can tell me to take a hike if you want. If your dad is trying to reconcile maybe you can try this. Apologize for any mistakes you have made in the past. Sincerely apologize. Then tell him you hope you can move forward. I'm just making this up off the top of my head but something like this... "Dad, you know I've made a lot of bad decisions in my life. And I'm truly sorry that some of them have hurt you. I would never want to hurt you because you're my dad and I love you. I'm hoping we can move past the hurt and move forward into a new relationship. I know it will take time to establish your trust again but I know I can do it." Or simply say, "Dad, I know we haven't always gotten along in the past. I'm truly sorry for that because you're my dad and I love you. If I did anything to hurt you and damage our relationship then I'm sorry. I hope we can move past this." Then if he brings up b/f say something like, "Dad, I know you think b/f is another one of my bad decisions but he isn't. I can't expect you to trust me blindly and I understand why but time will show you that he is a good person."

I don't know. It's just a thought. It's like meeting him halfway. If you truly don't have anything to apologize for then just play it by ear.